I'm done
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
I'm done
I have been trying to stay sober for most of this year...IOP, another IOP, inpatient, AA, SR, outpatient. Nothing clicked. I have been a terrible person for so much of this year. Jail, DUI, kicked out of more than one house, involved with DCFS and had my kids taken away twice. And yet I kept going back.
That ends today.
I am a great mom when I'm not drunk. I'm a good person, a good wife, a good friend...when I'm not drunk. I read something today and it made me so sad. It made my heart ache. Because it made me see how I've been living. I haven't done these things, but what I've done has been bad enough. I don't want to ever feel this way again.
From Doctor Sleep, by Stephen King:
A kid was standing there.
He looked about eighteen months old. He was wearing an Atlanta Braves t-shirt. It came down to his knees, but the diaper underneath showed anyway, because it was loaded and hanging just above his ankles. Dan's heart took an enormous leap in his chest and his head gave a sudden terrific whammo, as if Thor had swung his hammer in there. For a moment he was absolutely sure he was going to stroke out, have a heart attach, or both.
The he drew in a deep breath and exhaled. "Where did you come from, little hero?"
"Mama," the kid said.
Which in a way made perfect sense - Dan, too, had come from his mama - but it didn't help. A terrible deduction was trying to form itself in his thumping head, but he didn't want anything to do with it.
He saw you take the money.
Maybe so, but that wasn't the deduction. If the kid saw him take it, so what? He wasn't even two. Kids that young accepted everything adults did. If he saw his mama walking on the ceiling with fire shooting from her fingertips, he'd accept that.
"What's your name, hero?" His voice was throbbing in time with his heart, which still hadn't settled down.
"Mama."
Really? The other kids are gonna have fun with that when you get to high school.
"Did you come from next door? Or down the hall?"
Please say yes. Because here's the deduction: if this kid is Deenie's, then she went out barhopping and left him locked in this ****** apartment. Alone.
"Mama!"
Then the kid spied the coke on the coffee table and trotted toward it with the sodden crotch of his diaper swinging.
"Canny!"
"No, that's not candy," Dan said, although of course it was: nose candy.
Paying no attention, the kid reached for the white powder with one hand. As he did, Dan saw bruises on his upper arm. The kind left by a squeezing hand.
He grabbed the kid around the waist and between the legs. As he swung him up and away from the table (the sodden diaper squeezing pee through his fingersto patter on the floor), Dan's head filled with an image that was brief but excrutiatingly clear: the Deenie look-alike in the wallet photo, picking the kid up and shaking him. Leaving the marks of his fingers.
He carried the baby - Tommy, his name was Tommy - into the bedroom. The kid saw his mother and immediately began wriggling. "Mama! Mama! Mama!"
When Dan set him down, Tommy trotted to the mattress and crawled up beside her. Although sleeping, Deenie put her arm around him and hugged him to her. The Braves shirt pulled up, and Dan saw more bruises on the kid's legs.
He stood in the doorway, looking at Deenie and her bruised boy. The kid had gone back to sleep, and in the morning sun, the two of them looked almost angelic.
She's no angel. Maybe she didn't leave the bruises, but she went out partying and left him alone. If you hadn't been there when he woke up and walked into the living room...
Canny, the kid had said, reaching for the blow. Not good. Something needed to be done.
He picked up the coke and the dusty People magazine and put them on the kitchenette counter, safely out of the kid's reach. There was a scrubbie in the sink, and he used it on the coffee table, cleaning up the leftover shake. Telling himself that if she came stumbling out while he was doing it, he would give her back her goddamn money. Telling himself that if she went on snoozing, she deserved whatever she got.
Deenie didn't come out. She went on snoozing.
That ends today.
I am a great mom when I'm not drunk. I'm a good person, a good wife, a good friend...when I'm not drunk. I read something today and it made me so sad. It made my heart ache. Because it made me see how I've been living. I haven't done these things, but what I've done has been bad enough. I don't want to ever feel this way again.
From Doctor Sleep, by Stephen King:
A kid was standing there.
He looked about eighteen months old. He was wearing an Atlanta Braves t-shirt. It came down to his knees, but the diaper underneath showed anyway, because it was loaded and hanging just above his ankles. Dan's heart took an enormous leap in his chest and his head gave a sudden terrific whammo, as if Thor had swung his hammer in there. For a moment he was absolutely sure he was going to stroke out, have a heart attach, or both.
The he drew in a deep breath and exhaled. "Where did you come from, little hero?"
"Mama," the kid said.
Which in a way made perfect sense - Dan, too, had come from his mama - but it didn't help. A terrible deduction was trying to form itself in his thumping head, but he didn't want anything to do with it.
He saw you take the money.
Maybe so, but that wasn't the deduction. If the kid saw him take it, so what? He wasn't even two. Kids that young accepted everything adults did. If he saw his mama walking on the ceiling with fire shooting from her fingertips, he'd accept that.
"What's your name, hero?" His voice was throbbing in time with his heart, which still hadn't settled down.
"Mama."
Really? The other kids are gonna have fun with that when you get to high school.
"Did you come from next door? Or down the hall?"
Please say yes. Because here's the deduction: if this kid is Deenie's, then she went out barhopping and left him locked in this ****** apartment. Alone.
"Mama!"
Then the kid spied the coke on the coffee table and trotted toward it with the sodden crotch of his diaper swinging.
"Canny!"
"No, that's not candy," Dan said, although of course it was: nose candy.
Paying no attention, the kid reached for the white powder with one hand. As he did, Dan saw bruises on his upper arm. The kind left by a squeezing hand.
He grabbed the kid around the waist and between the legs. As he swung him up and away from the table (the sodden diaper squeezing pee through his fingersto patter on the floor), Dan's head filled with an image that was brief but excrutiatingly clear: the Deenie look-alike in the wallet photo, picking the kid up and shaking him. Leaving the marks of his fingers.
He carried the baby - Tommy, his name was Tommy - into the bedroom. The kid saw his mother and immediately began wriggling. "Mama! Mama! Mama!"
When Dan set him down, Tommy trotted to the mattress and crawled up beside her. Although sleeping, Deenie put her arm around him and hugged him to her. The Braves shirt pulled up, and Dan saw more bruises on the kid's legs.
He stood in the doorway, looking at Deenie and her bruised boy. The kid had gone back to sleep, and in the morning sun, the two of them looked almost angelic.
She's no angel. Maybe she didn't leave the bruises, but she went out partying and left him alone. If you hadn't been there when he woke up and walked into the living room...
Canny, the kid had said, reaching for the blow. Not good. Something needed to be done.
He picked up the coke and the dusty People magazine and put them on the kitchenette counter, safely out of the kid's reach. There was a scrubbie in the sink, and he used it on the coffee table, cleaning up the leftover shake. Telling himself that if she came stumbling out while he was doing it, he would give her back her goddamn money. Telling himself that if she went on snoozing, she deserved whatever she got.
Deenie didn't come out. She went on snoozing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Welcome!
Alcohol turned me into a person I hated, too. It's awful what the addiction does to us and, in turn, how we hurt those around us.
If you've decided it's enough, good for you. Don't let failure of past programs deter you at this time. If you are motivated, you will be able to do this.
Alcohol turned me into a person I hated, too. It's awful what the addiction does to us and, in turn, how we hurt those around us.
If you've decided it's enough, good for you. Don't let failure of past programs deter you at this time. If you are motivated, you will be able to do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Sounds like you had a wake up flash. That's really good!
Now you just need to work your plan to the letter, seek support, and most of all never take that first drink!
And yes you are a good mother I have no doubt about it. Count your blessings and make this happen!
Now you just need to work your plan to the letter, seek support, and most of all never take that first drink!
And yes you are a good mother I have no doubt about it. Count your blessings and make this happen!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome! Thanks for the book passage. It is pretty powerful and a good reminder of why we should never pick up that first drink. I used to drink on my back porch and be half passed out by mid day, not really paying attention to what my kids were doing. Not anymore.
You listed the things you have done this year to stop. Which ones worked best for you? I go to AA. I have been calling my support network more than I was before. I come here to read and post. Hang in there, you can do it. Come here for support. Find in person support. If you are in Chicago then there are tons and tons of meetings of all kinds, all over the City and suburbs. There will be one that can work for you if you want to keep with AA.
You listed the things you have done this year to stop. Which ones worked best for you? I go to AA. I have been calling my support network more than I was before. I come here to read and post. Hang in there, you can do it. Come here for support. Find in person support. If you are in Chicago then there are tons and tons of meetings of all kinds, all over the City and suburbs. There will be one that can work for you if you want to keep with AA.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
Alcohol turned me into a despicable person too - a person who is nothing like the real me. It had to go - and finally it did. Forever.
We are with you noexcuse. There's no doubt you can do this.
We are with you noexcuse. There's no doubt you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
It's amazing how much damage we can do to ourselves and even our loved ones by drinking. The cure is simple - all we have to do is STOP. Of course, it's easier said than done. Your body, habits, mind, and lifestyle have become completely entwined with alcohol, so virtually everything in early sobriety will remind you that you are NOT drinking. And that's tough. As others have said, this means you'll need a plan, I think. A strategy to get you through these first few days and months. Something you can hold on to. What do you think that is? Have you considered support groups or any other methods? The folks here at SR can be quite helpful, I've found, but for many of us we need support systems in the home and social scenes as well....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
If I had a time machine I'd go back and beat the s*#t out of stupid drunk-ass self.
That said, time travel ain't an option so forgiveness and acceptance of my past behaviors are necessary.
I forgive myself. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. And it was only when I was able to do those two things did sobriety stick for me. I'm now just a few weeks shy of 1.5 years of living sober!
You can do this. You really can!!! I have faith in you and you are worth it.
That said, time travel ain't an option so forgiveness and acceptance of my past behaviors are necessary.
I forgive myself. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. And it was only when I was able to do those two things did sobriety stick for me. I'm now just a few weeks shy of 1.5 years of living sober!
You can do this. You really can!!! I have faith in you and you are worth it.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I agree, you have to forgive yourself. If you dwell on all the things you did when you were drinking you will spiral right back into the mindset of drinking and self loathing. If you did some bad things, and we all did, try to do good things now to balance it all out. You'll feel so much better and will be able to move forward.
That was a powerful passage. It's sad to think of how many kids are out there growing up like this.
That was a powerful passage. It's sad to think of how many kids are out there growing up like this.
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