I'm so confused
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I'm so confused
Hi everyone- I am so so confused I found out a few months ago the person I married and dated is a fraud. I'm so lonely and miserable.
I found out he is an alcoholic and addict. I'm learning so much about alcohol and drugs that my head is spinning. I am need some advice. I don't know what to say to him when he comes home from work bc I know he is lying what time he has gotten off work and don't even trust if he had a good day or bad day. I use to have dinner ready when he came home or would reheat the food but now I know how stupid I was for believing him all these years when he would tell me he was working to now find out how was at a bar or strip club. I don't cook anymore and stopped living basically around his schedule but feel guilty at the same time. I hope this makes sense.
I found out he is an alcoholic and addict. I'm learning so much about alcohol and drugs that my head is spinning. I am need some advice. I don't know what to say to him when he comes home from work bc I know he is lying what time he has gotten off work and don't even trust if he had a good day or bad day. I use to have dinner ready when he came home or would reheat the food but now I know how stupid I was for believing him all these years when he would tell me he was working to now find out how was at a bar or strip club. I don't cook anymore and stopped living basically around his schedule but feel guilty at the same time. I hope this makes sense.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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welcome to SR. wow, you've had a lot to take in, haven't you? take some time and read around. you're with friends now.
you've already taken some good first steps....no longer living around somebody else's schedule, no longer catering to someone who has another agenda entirely. and you've reached out to get some help and support.
you've already taken some good first steps....no longer living around somebody else's schedule, no longer catering to someone who has another agenda entirely. and you've reached out to get some help and support.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Guilt can be paralyzing.
Be realistic and gentle with yourself, you are not the liar. You are not the one who is living a double life. You are not the fraud.
He is.
Hard as it is, these things can happen in life.
Of course you are confused, you have been misled.
Best I can offer, educate yourself about addiction, lots of factual information right here at SR. Make yourself at home, ask all the question you want, we are here and listening, you are not alone.
Be realistic and gentle with yourself, you are not the liar. You are not the one who is living a double life. You are not the fraud.
He is.
Hard as it is, these things can happen in life.
Of course you are confused, you have been misled.
Best I can offer, educate yourself about addiction, lots of factual information right here at SR. Make yourself at home, ask all the question you want, we are here and listening, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
It makes perfect sense to me. I know how you feel.
I was just thinking the other day how my A(r) has taken the joy out of so many of things I used to love. Music, hobbys, friends. Things that normies do that normals (non addicts) appreciate and love about their spouse/loved ones. Now it is considered codependent or enabling behavior.
I am trying new things and trying to just do what I enjoy doing for ME now. But I miss doing the special things for someone I love.
Welcome from a fellow Texan!
I was just thinking the other day how my A(r) has taken the joy out of so many of things I used to love. Music, hobbys, friends. Things that normies do that normals (non addicts) appreciate and love about their spouse/loved ones. Now it is considered codependent or enabling behavior.
I am trying new things and trying to just do what I enjoy doing for ME now. But I miss doing the special things for someone I love.
Welcome from a fellow Texan!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
welcome to SR. wow, you've had a lot to take in, haven't you? take some time and read around. you're with friends now.
you've already taken some good first steps....no longer living around somebody else's schedule, no longer catering to someone who has another agenda entirely. and you've reached out to get some help and support.
you've already taken some good first steps....no longer living around somebody else's schedule, no longer catering to someone who has another agenda entirely. and you've reached out to get some help and support.
Thank you I have been exploding inside and finally have someone to talk to thank you.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Guilt can be paralyzing.
Be realistic and gentle with yourself, you are not the liar. You are not the one who is living a double life. You are not the fraud.
He is.
Hard as it is, these things can happen in life.
Of course you are confused, you have been misled.
Best I can offer, educate yourself about addiction, lots of factual information right here at SR. Make yourself at home, ask all the question you want, we are here and listening, you are not alone.
Be realistic and gentle with yourself, you are not the liar. You are not the one who is living a double life. You are not the fraud.
He is.
Hard as it is, these things can happen in life.
Of course you are confused, you have been misled.
Best I can offer, educate yourself about addiction, lots of factual information right here at SR. Make yourself at home, ask all the question you want, we are here and listening, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Lyssy
It makes perfect sense to me. I know how you feel.
I was just thinking the other day how my A(r) has taken the joy out of so many of things I used to love. Music, hobbys, friends. Things that normies do that normals (non addicts) appreciate and love about their spouse/loved ones. Now it is considered codependent or enabling behavior.
I am trying new things and trying to just do what I enjoy doing for ME now. But I miss doing the special things for someone I love.
Welcome from a fellow Texan!
I was just thinking the other day how my A(r) has taken the joy out of so many of things I used to love. Music, hobbys, friends. Things that normies do that normals (non addicts) appreciate and love about their spouse/loved ones. Now it is considered codependent or enabling behavior.
I am trying new things and trying to just do what I enjoy doing for ME now. But I miss doing the special things for someone I love.
Welcome from a fellow Texan!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, liloleme. Glad to hear you've been educating yourself about alcoholism, codependence and so on. Those are huge steps forward for you. Also glad to hear you're looking into Alanon, as it's a good idea to have some real-world support in addition to us here online.
I'd recommend you do as much reading as you have time for here in this forum, and be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great information there. This thread is an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Wishing you clarity and strength--as time goes by, you'll start to see your path and know what to do.
I'd recommend you do as much reading as you have time for here in this forum, and be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great information there. This thread is an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Wishing you clarity and strength--as time goes by, you'll start to see your path and know what to do.
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That was a great link thank you so much. I'm learning day by day. Husband told me he knows but isn't going to do anything about it and he will continue to do both because he is happy and it doesn't bother him. So I am just focusing on me now and learning to get back on my two feet. 
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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I also wanted to reply to your statement about "feeling stupid" to find out how he had lied about being at work when in reality he was at a bar or strip club.
When my AH and I first got together, he told me he was a recovering A, but somehow I had believed that it was possible for him to drink socially (talk about stupid!), which we both did at the time and for years after. My A also lied to me, for almost the entire 17 years of our marriage, about one thing or another--and I just couldn't understand it, b/c it was about things that made no sense to lie about, like smoking cigarettes and having a beer after work w/a coworker, things that he knew I wouldn't say anything about anyway.
He hid the extent of his drinking for many years, and about 4 or 5 years ago, I finally saw that he was unmistakably DRUNK when he came to dinner (this after years of becoming more distant, never remembering things we talked about, and acting as if I was just demanding waaaaay too much in expecting him to actually be present and be a partner in life). At that point, he tearfully agreed that things were not right and that he would return to AA.
Faithfully, every Saturday AM, he would go into town to his meeting--or so I thought. On fairly frequent occasions, he would seem "off" to me in the evenings, and I agonized over asking him if he had been drinking. Gosh, a good supportive wife wouldn't QUESTION her husband, would she? But eventually I did start questioning, and he denied it every single time.
Long story short, he kept up this charade for years. In January of 2013, while working in our bank accounts online, something he usually handled, I found withdrawals that were not being recorded in the register for the checking or savings account books. I confronted him and it turned out he had been taking money from our joint accounts for years, hiding the withdrawals so I wouldn't know, and buying booze and cigarettes that he would consume while in his model-building workshop area.
Talk about feeling stupid! I know exactly where you're coming from, liloleme! But, as one of the wise members here said to me, why would you NOT trust him? He's your husband, the person you have chosen to spend your life with, the man you love--OF COURSE you trusted him. Of course. And the shame is not on you for trusting him but on him for lying to you. As you'll see if you read more here, lying is as much a part of alcoholism as drinking is. We've all been there; we all understand. And no one here will look down on you as being "stupid" b/c you believed your husband when he said he was at work.
((((hugs)))) and take care of yourself.
When my AH and I first got together, he told me he was a recovering A, but somehow I had believed that it was possible for him to drink socially (talk about stupid!), which we both did at the time and for years after. My A also lied to me, for almost the entire 17 years of our marriage, about one thing or another--and I just couldn't understand it, b/c it was about things that made no sense to lie about, like smoking cigarettes and having a beer after work w/a coworker, things that he knew I wouldn't say anything about anyway.
He hid the extent of his drinking for many years, and about 4 or 5 years ago, I finally saw that he was unmistakably DRUNK when he came to dinner (this after years of becoming more distant, never remembering things we talked about, and acting as if I was just demanding waaaaay too much in expecting him to actually be present and be a partner in life). At that point, he tearfully agreed that things were not right and that he would return to AA.
Faithfully, every Saturday AM, he would go into town to his meeting--or so I thought. On fairly frequent occasions, he would seem "off" to me in the evenings, and I agonized over asking him if he had been drinking. Gosh, a good supportive wife wouldn't QUESTION her husband, would she? But eventually I did start questioning, and he denied it every single time.
Long story short, he kept up this charade for years. In January of 2013, while working in our bank accounts online, something he usually handled, I found withdrawals that were not being recorded in the register for the checking or savings account books. I confronted him and it turned out he had been taking money from our joint accounts for years, hiding the withdrawals so I wouldn't know, and buying booze and cigarettes that he would consume while in his model-building workshop area.
Talk about feeling stupid! I know exactly where you're coming from, liloleme! But, as one of the wise members here said to me, why would you NOT trust him? He's your husband, the person you have chosen to spend your life with, the man you love--OF COURSE you trusted him. Of course. And the shame is not on you for trusting him but on him for lying to you. As you'll see if you read more here, lying is as much a part of alcoholism as drinking is. We've all been there; we all understand. And no one here will look down on you as being "stupid" b/c you believed your husband when he said he was at work.
((((hugs)))) and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I also wanted to reply to your statement about "feeling stupid" to find out how he had lied about being at work when in reality he was at a bar or strip club.
When my AH and I first got together, he told me he was a recovering A, but somehow I had believed that it was possible for him to drink socially (talk about stupid!), which we both did at the time and for years after. My A also lied to me, for almost the entire 17 years of our marriage, about one thing or another--and I just couldn't understand it, b/c it was about things that made no sense to lie about, like smoking cigarettes and having a beer after work w/a coworker, things that he knew I wouldn't say anything about anyway.
He hid the extent of his drinking for many years, and about 4 or 5 years ago, I finally saw that he was unmistakably DRUNK when he came to dinner (this after years of becoming more distant, never remembering things we talked about, and acting as if I was just demanding waaaaay too much in expecting him to actually be present and be a partner in life). At that point, he tearfully agreed that things were not right and that he would return to AA.
Faithfully, every Saturday AM, he would go into town to his meeting--or so I thought. On fairly frequent occasions, he would seem "off" to me in the evenings, and I agonized over asking him if he had been drinking. Gosh, a good supportive wife wouldn't QUESTION her husband, would she? But eventually I did start questioning, and he denied it every single time.
Long story short, he kept up this charade for years. In January of 2013, while working in our bank accounts online, something he usually handled, I found withdrawals that were not being recorded in the register for the checking or savings account books. I confronted him and it turned out he had been taking money from our joint accounts for years, hiding the withdrawals so I wouldn't know, and buying booze and cigarettes that he would consume while in his model-building workshop area.
Talk about feeling stupid! I know exactly where you're coming from, liloleme! But, as one of the wise members here said to me, why would you NOT trust him? He's your husband, the person you have chosen to spend your life with, the man you love--OF COURSE you trusted him. Of course. And the shame is not on you for trusting him but on him for lying to you. As you'll see if you read more here, lying is as much a part of alcoholism as drinking is. We've all been there; we all understand. And no one here will look down on you as being "stupid" b/c you believed your husband when he said he was at work.
((((hugs)))) and take care of yourself.
When my AH and I first got together, he told me he was a recovering A, but somehow I had believed that it was possible for him to drink socially (talk about stupid!), which we both did at the time and for years after. My A also lied to me, for almost the entire 17 years of our marriage, about one thing or another--and I just couldn't understand it, b/c it was about things that made no sense to lie about, like smoking cigarettes and having a beer after work w/a coworker, things that he knew I wouldn't say anything about anyway.
He hid the extent of his drinking for many years, and about 4 or 5 years ago, I finally saw that he was unmistakably DRUNK when he came to dinner (this after years of becoming more distant, never remembering things we talked about, and acting as if I was just demanding waaaaay too much in expecting him to actually be present and be a partner in life). At that point, he tearfully agreed that things were not right and that he would return to AA.
Faithfully, every Saturday AM, he would go into town to his meeting--or so I thought. On fairly frequent occasions, he would seem "off" to me in the evenings, and I agonized over asking him if he had been drinking. Gosh, a good supportive wife wouldn't QUESTION her husband, would she? But eventually I did start questioning, and he denied it every single time.
Long story short, he kept up this charade for years. In January of 2013, while working in our bank accounts online, something he usually handled, I found withdrawals that were not being recorded in the register for the checking or savings account books. I confronted him and it turned out he had been taking money from our joint accounts for years, hiding the withdrawals so I wouldn't know, and buying booze and cigarettes that he would consume while in his model-building workshop area.
Talk about feeling stupid! I know exactly where you're coming from, liloleme! But, as one of the wise members here said to me, why would you NOT trust him? He's your husband, the person you have chosen to spend your life with, the man you love--OF COURSE you trusted him. Of course. And the shame is not on you for trusting him but on him for lying to you. As you'll see if you read more here, lying is as much a part of alcoholism as drinking is. We've all been there; we all understand. And no one here will look down on you as being "stupid" b/c you believed your husband when he said he was at work.
((((hugs)))) and take care of yourself.
I could hug you right now!!!!! I thought I was the only one in the world going through this. I found out in Oct this year that for 10+ years he has been a drug addict and alcoholic. For 10+ years I was so blind. I drink a beer every once in awhile or drink not a big deal I don't think people that have a beer is an alcoholic. Husband said I should of known. I always thought something was a miss when he would come home 10 or 11 pm and be wide awake from drugs. But I never questioned it bc again he never missed work or missed a paycheck. Now im learning about functioning alcoholics. The only reason I found out ,was just once day he said something to me but it rubbed me the wrong way and I decided to follow him and boy did the cat come out the bag. Found out he had another vehicle and another life and all. Thank goodness for tracking devices. Never in a million years would I believe I would do that. Trust is such a major must and he crushed it all. He said he would of keep on telling me he was at work when he wasn't until I found out. He swears up and down he has not committed adultery but I don't believe him so after the holidays I plan on putting the divorce papers in. He said he knew I would never be with him had I known he had these issues because when we were dating I told him I didn't want someone like that. I have been so ashamed and distraught for some time and never knew why.He made me believe I was crazy. but now knowing he is like this for what ever his reasons are and the fact he doesn't want help. I'm not wasting anymore time . If he wanted help I told him I would be there 110% but he doesn't want to change. I'm scared, Sad, hurt, embarrassed and all kinds of feelings but I don't want to cry anymore. I laughed so hard the other and I forgotten how that felt and it felt good.
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Hi everyone- I did it !!!!! I did it !!!!! I did it !!!!! I did it !!!!!
I wasn't plan on doing it until after the holidays but this morning we got to talking and it was clear to me how little respect for me he has.
I told him I love him but his addictions are killing him and I can see it and its hurting me. I told him I would be there for him 120% if he wanted to clean himself up but since he doesn't because he is happy with his drugs and alcohol that I was gone.
I thought I was going to cry-(but I don't) I thought I was going to feel bad-(but I don't)
I don't know how im going to pay the bills since I got laid off ( but i'll figure out something) If I have to work at McD's so be it at least im going to work there with a smile on my face!!!!!
Mental peace and clarify PRICELESS!!!!
I forgot to say he was so out of it I don't even know if he knows we had this conversation it happened at 8am lol
I don't care !!!
I wasn't plan on doing it until after the holidays but this morning we got to talking and it was clear to me how little respect for me he has.
I told him I love him but his addictions are killing him and I can see it and its hurting me. I told him I would be there for him 120% if he wanted to clean himself up but since he doesn't because he is happy with his drugs and alcohol that I was gone.
I thought I was going to cry-(but I don't) I thought I was going to feel bad-(but I don't)
I don't know how im going to pay the bills since I got laid off ( but i'll figure out something) If I have to work at McD's so be it at least im going to work there with a smile on my face!!!!!
Mental peace and clarify PRICELESS!!!!
I forgot to say he was so out of it I don't even know if he knows we had this conversation it happened at 8am lol
I don't care !!!
Last edited by Pia; 12-22-2013 at 07:29 AM. Reason: Forgot to say something
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ok now i'm confused again (imagine that) So I left this AM went to the Gym after our discussion then went somewhere and read my book " codependents no more and activities" came home and was expecting him gone.
He is never home - Never around it is Sunday and he is here has been all day. I am shocked he looks like a sad puppy. This is new to me.
He is never home - Never around it is Sunday and he is here has been all day. I am shocked he looks like a sad puppy. This is new to me.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Do not be swayed or fooled by this manipulative behavior. HE IS THE SAME PERSON THAT HE WAS LESS THAN 8HRS. AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DANDYLION
DANDYLION
I just haven't seen that look in 10 years he hasn't care about me for a long time. I just never realized it.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Ditto what dandelion said! This is self pity, its not him feeling remorseful for what he's done to you, he's just feeling sorry for himself.
Oh really glad you mentioned self pity, I thought I got to him a bit lol
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I almost responded to your initial post about "I did it I did it". Then I decided to just let you feel good for the moment. I wanted to warn you that he would likely turn up the charm, make tons of promises, be on his best behavior. The A wants to keep the status quo at all costs. You've set a boundary...so he will now challenge you to keep it. He is the same person he was earlier, don't let the manipulation get the best of you.
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Originally Posted by Recovering2
I almost responded to your initial post about "I did it I did it". Then I decided to just let you feel good for the moment. I wanted to warn you that he would likely turn up the charm, make tons of promises, be on his best behavior. The A wants to keep the status quo at all costs. You've set a boundary...so he will now challenge you to keep it. He is the same person he was earlier, don't let the manipulation get the best of you.
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