I'm so confused
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Originally Posted by Kayla50 
He realizes he has been found out. Now he is looking for pity. I'm an alcoholic and we lie to get what we want and are very selfish. It sucks but it's true. Take care of yourself.
I got home he CLEANED the house WASHED the Dishes and just checked in to see if I was hungry and brought something home to eat?
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Originally Posted by liloleme
Please help me to understand then why doesn't he just leave if I am giving him what he wants( to do whatever he wants to with no consequences) why not leave????
I got home he CLEANED the house WASHED the Dishes and just checked in to see if I was hungry and brought something home to eat?
I got home he CLEANED the house WASHED the Dishes and just checked in to see if I was hungry and brought something home to eat?
More will be revealed.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Hon, losing YOU would be a consequence! I know it doesn't feel like that. my XABF didn't seem to give a fig about me until and unless I was threatening the status quo. Then he got very nice and generous. But it was not a sustainable situation. And it is not a long term solution to the issues in your relationship.
More will be revealed.
More will be revealed.
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I'm feeling just ill. After spending hours reading and reading experiences and making my mind over and telling him it was over all that came crashing down with in a 20 minute conversation.
AH is pissed I called him out on a lie and made sure he knew I knew (not saying that I was right but I want to be honest in my post) He tells me how he is sorry for the lies,the hurt he has caused, for ruining my life and the chance I could of been with someone all these years. He also told me how he doesn't know what to do and he is depressed and wants to quit his job because he is not happy and he doesn't know what is going on with us and our house is not a home He said he knows he can't take care of himself let alone anyone else . And he knows 90% of the problems are his fault.
I felt like crap like maybe I should help him and then I think to myself I was about to begin a new life. Its not like were dating were married, I did say for better or worse.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AH is pissed I called him out on a lie and made sure he knew I knew (not saying that I was right but I want to be honest in my post) He tells me how he is sorry for the lies,the hurt he has caused, for ruining my life and the chance I could of been with someone all these years. He also told me how he doesn't know what to do and he is depressed and wants to quit his job because he is not happy and he doesn't know what is going on with us and our house is not a home He said he knows he can't take care of himself let alone anyone else . And he knows 90% of the problems are his fault.
I felt like crap like maybe I should help him and then I think to myself I was about to begin a new life. Its not like were dating were married, I did say for better or worse.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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You are 2 stepping your decisions and he is now all of a sudden a man of words when just how long ago he wasn't? He's not sorry because if he was he'd be like Wife, I'm going to stop this sh*t right here right now and get help! Has he done that? I'm going to assume that's a big fat NEGATIVE because you haven't posted anything about him talking recovery. Only about him liking his drink and doing drugs.
He's sorry. He's sorry he got caught. And that's the extent of his sorry thus far.
He's sorry. He's sorry he got caught. And that's the extent of his sorry thus far.
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liloleme---the way I see it---when it comes to an alcoholic relationship---the usual "rules" that apply in a normal, healthy relationship go out the window-- as in...they just don't work.
The vows taken at the alter--the "for better or worse" stuff---is part of a contract that supposes equality and mutual trust and loyalty....and EACH party caring about the welfare of the other as a top priority. When only one party is living up to those principles...and the other has kicked them to the curb---the contract has been broken. It has been voided. Trust and respect--the very foundation of the relationship is gone.
Marriage is supposed to enrich life---not hurt and bring misery just by the fact of being joined together. Sure, difficulty and hard times come in every life--but in a healthy partnership they are seen as the common "enemy" and the challenges are met as a couple--working together to navigate through this, sometimes very difficult life.
A marriage should not be a life sentence or a one-person suicide pact.
I just want to share with you how I, personally, view this particular subject.
I hope it helps a little.
dandylion
The vows taken at the alter--the "for better or worse" stuff---is part of a contract that supposes equality and mutual trust and loyalty....and EACH party caring about the welfare of the other as a top priority. When only one party is living up to those principles...and the other has kicked them to the curb---the contract has been broken. It has been voided. Trust and respect--the very foundation of the relationship is gone.
Marriage is supposed to enrich life---not hurt and bring misery just by the fact of being joined together. Sure, difficulty and hard times come in every life--but in a healthy partnership they are seen as the common "enemy" and the challenges are met as a couple--working together to navigate through this, sometimes very difficult life.
A marriage should not be a life sentence or a one-person suicide pact.
I just want to share with you how I, personally, view this particular subject.
I hope it helps a little.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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He won't keep this up. Once he has his cushy setup back to normal, he's going to go right back to doing what he was doing before. And you'll be back to getting upset where you were before. And round and round it goes. He knows how to get to you, and it appears he's done it again. HIS drinking, HIS depression, HIS lies, HIS self-loathing is not your fault. It is not your burden to bear. It has nothing to do with you. This is all him, and he's going to do what he's going to do whether you're there or not. He will find sobriety IF HE CHOOSES TO whether you're there or not. He will drink himself to death IF HE CHOOSES TO whether you're there or not. Get what I'm saying? Until he can prove change long-term he's just stringing you along so that that nothing has to change for him. Classic A behavior.
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Originally Posted by liloleme
I'm feeling just ill. After spending hours reading and reading experiences and making my mind over and telling him it was over all that came crashing down with in a 20 minute conversation.
AH is pissed I called him out on a lie and made sure he knew I knew (not saying that I was right but I want to be honest in my post) He tells me how he is sorry for the lies,the hurt he has caused, for ruining my life and the chance I could of been with someone all these years. He also told me how he doesn't know what to do and he is depressed and wants to quit his job because he is not happy and he doesn't know what is going on with us and our house is not a home He said he knows he can't take care of himself let alone anyone else . And he knows 90% of the problems are his fault.
I felt like crap like maybe I should help him and then I think to myself I was about to begin a new life. Its not like were dating were married, I did say for better or worse.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AH is pissed I called him out on a lie and made sure he knew I knew (not saying that I was right but I want to be honest in my post) He tells me how he is sorry for the lies,the hurt he has caused, for ruining my life and the chance I could of been with someone all these years. He also told me how he doesn't know what to do and he is depressed and wants to quit his job because he is not happy and he doesn't know what is going on with us and our house is not a home He said he knows he can't take care of himself let alone anyone else . And he knows 90% of the problems are his fault.
I felt like crap like maybe I should help him and then I think to myself I was about to begin a new life. Its not like were dating were married, I did say for better or worse.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I know it feels sincere, and some of it probably is, but these are excuses to DEFEND his behavior. He's not apologizing, this is more self pity.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Everything you wrote has been said by my husband. I'm not exaggerating.
I know it feels sincere, and some of it probably is, but these are excuses to DEFEND his behavior. He's not apologizing, this is more self pity.
I know it feels sincere, and some of it probably is, but these are excuses to DEFEND his behavior. He's not apologizing, this is more self pity.
So is it safe to say he is defending his behavior but not going to make a change and if he says he is rule #1 Alcoholics lie, it would be by his actions that I see if he is telling the truth
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His words must match his actions and not just for a day or two. For example, It's easy for me to pacify you to shut you up n get you off my back for a bit by doing x,y,z. But for real change, it takes time and a conscious decision to put the effort in to change one's life for the better.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
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Check out Getting Them Sober. It has a lot of practical advise for YOU. It is kind of like Codependency No More - lite version. Very easy reading.
Getting Them Sober: You Can Help!: Toby Rice Drews: 9780961599591: Amazon.com: Books
Getting Them Sober: You Can Help!: Toby Rice Drews: 9780961599591: Amazon.com: Books
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
You are 2 stepping your decisions and he is now all of a sudden a man of words when just how long ago he wasn't? He's not sorry because if he was he'd be like Wife, I'm going to stop this sh*t right here right now and get help! Has he done that? I'm going to assume that's a big fat NEGATIVE because you haven't posted anything about him talking recovery. Only about him liking his drink and doing drugs.
He's sorry. He's sorry he got caught. And that's the extent of his sorry thus far.
He's sorry. He's sorry he got caught. And that's the extent of his sorry thus far.
So my husband has been hiding a lot of things for 10+ years and at no point did he decide to stop hurting me and come clean on his own and work on him. Now the cat is out the bag he still has not said he needs help.
***I can't change the past but, I am in charge of MY future***
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liloleme, one of the things I was told both here and in Alanon meetings was that I don't HAVE TO make any decisions right this second. I have the right to take as long as I need/want to decide what is right for ME. That applies to you, too.
When I've posted here regarding whether it's time for me to call it quits, wiser heads have told me that I'll do best when I come from a place of calm and strength, rather than a place of anger and fear, regarding ending the marriage. It seems to me that those wiser heads have been right so far--I'm working towards getting my own side of the street cleaned up and my own issues dealt with, and as I do that, I start to see things more clearly. I start to trust that I will indeed know what to do, and when to do it.
As you say, you've been with this man for many years. If you need another week/month/year to know for sure what you want to do, then take it. See if his actions match his words as time goes by. A saying you'll hear often in Alanon is "More will be revealed." That is exactly what will happen here, I would be pretty sure.
Have you made it to an Alanon meeting? I'd like to once again strongly recommend trying a few. It will help you focus on YOU, the one person whose actions and thoughts you CAN change, rather than your AH. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/
And here's a link to a thread about Alanon meetings, in case you need more encouragement! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-meeting.html
You can search this section of the forum for the term "Alanon" if you'd like to find more, or check the stickie section at the top of the page in this section of the forum for a thread dedicated to Alanon and how it can help. Right now, if you read over your posts, they are all about HIS actions. Things will look a whole lot different when you are able to start to focus on yourself. Really, they will.
Wishing you some peace and a bit of clarity.
When I've posted here regarding whether it's time for me to call it quits, wiser heads have told me that I'll do best when I come from a place of calm and strength, rather than a place of anger and fear, regarding ending the marriage. It seems to me that those wiser heads have been right so far--I'm working towards getting my own side of the street cleaned up and my own issues dealt with, and as I do that, I start to see things more clearly. I start to trust that I will indeed know what to do, and when to do it.
As you say, you've been with this man for many years. If you need another week/month/year to know for sure what you want to do, then take it. See if his actions match his words as time goes by. A saying you'll hear often in Alanon is "More will be revealed." That is exactly what will happen here, I would be pretty sure.
Have you made it to an Alanon meeting? I'd like to once again strongly recommend trying a few. It will help you focus on YOU, the one person whose actions and thoughts you CAN change, rather than your AH. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/
And here's a link to a thread about Alanon meetings, in case you need more encouragement! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-meeting.html
You can search this section of the forum for the term "Alanon" if you'd like to find more, or check the stickie section at the top of the page in this section of the forum for a thread dedicated to Alanon and how it can help. Right now, if you read over your posts, they are all about HIS actions. Things will look a whole lot different when you are able to start to focus on yourself. Really, they will.
Wishing you some peace and a bit of clarity.
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Honeypig- I believe what I feel the most is a sigh of relief and anger at the same time.
Just a little background he chased me for years and years over 20 years. I finally gave in he had me on a pedestal for years. On our wedding day I sat down looked at him and recall telling myself something isn't right here. I recall crying in the shower thinking I made a huge mistake and don't know what it is. After the wedding all has gone downhill so fast. I felt like the rug was pulled right out from underneath me. I know that my instincts kept telling me something is not right for so long but never had any proof, when he said he was working I believed him. He works in construction so his hours varied , at least that is what he told me. Boy was I a sucker. After tracking him I saw he was getting off 3pm coming home anywhere from 730pm-12pm.
Husband isn't physical abusive and the bills were always getting paid but I felt crazy and never knew why and it all makes sense. Husband would blame me and tell me I was over reacting and I would humbly apologize . I hated the fact something was always nagging at me. I don't come from a home where drugs and alcohol was present and was always taught drugs was bad and do drink in moderation.
I couldn't do a search online for clues because I didn't really know what I was looking for, I thought I had to be nicer, show more loving, keep the house clean, be a perfect wife. While all along he was always leaving and gone. Now I learned he has another place with a roommate and another 4x4 and I never knew all the while he is living here at home. He swears up and down he has never cheated on me however to me strip clubs is cheating. I feel like I had an illness for a long time and now have a name to put behind the illness. I never have heard anyone say I have the best Alcoholic and Drug Marriage and after reading these post and seeing how much pain and suffering involved. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore as hard it is to walk away. I am and will cry, scream, be scared and lonely but I only have one life and spent so much of it already in depression, weight gain, broken promises. I bet if I really found out the truth what he has been doing all this time it would destroy me so I don't what to know anymore.
Oh also wanted to mention his Momma works for Child Guidance center for abused children and drug abuse and she puffs puff and drinks away too. Found out the whole entire family have alcoholism on both sides and drugs. His fishing club they do drugs to so he is constantly surrounded by it all the time.
So I'm not going to be naive and believe he all of a sudden is going to want to go into rehab and cut of contact with his family.
All because of this love for me _NOT_
Just a little background he chased me for years and years over 20 years. I finally gave in he had me on a pedestal for years. On our wedding day I sat down looked at him and recall telling myself something isn't right here. I recall crying in the shower thinking I made a huge mistake and don't know what it is. After the wedding all has gone downhill so fast. I felt like the rug was pulled right out from underneath me. I know that my instincts kept telling me something is not right for so long but never had any proof, when he said he was working I believed him. He works in construction so his hours varied , at least that is what he told me. Boy was I a sucker. After tracking him I saw he was getting off 3pm coming home anywhere from 730pm-12pm.
Husband isn't physical abusive and the bills were always getting paid but I felt crazy and never knew why and it all makes sense. Husband would blame me and tell me I was over reacting and I would humbly apologize . I hated the fact something was always nagging at me. I don't come from a home where drugs and alcohol was present and was always taught drugs was bad and do drink in moderation.
I couldn't do a search online for clues because I didn't really know what I was looking for, I thought I had to be nicer, show more loving, keep the house clean, be a perfect wife. While all along he was always leaving and gone. Now I learned he has another place with a roommate and another 4x4 and I never knew all the while he is living here at home. He swears up and down he has never cheated on me however to me strip clubs is cheating. I feel like I had an illness for a long time and now have a name to put behind the illness. I never have heard anyone say I have the best Alcoholic and Drug Marriage and after reading these post and seeing how much pain and suffering involved. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore as hard it is to walk away. I am and will cry, scream, be scared and lonely but I only have one life and spent so much of it already in depression, weight gain, broken promises. I bet if I really found out the truth what he has been doing all this time it would destroy me so I don't what to know anymore.
Oh also wanted to mention his Momma works for Child Guidance center for abused children and drug abuse and she puffs puff and drinks away too. Found out the whole entire family have alcoholism on both sides and drugs. His fishing club they do drugs to so he is constantly surrounded by it all the time.
So I'm not going to be naive and believe he all of a sudden is going to want to go into rehab and cut of contact with his family.
All because of this love for me _NOT_
Last edited by Pia; 12-24-2013 at 02:51 PM. Reason: need to add more
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I'm pretty annoyed/upset right now.
So I've been feeling pretty well last few days. I decided to paint my kitchen (very therapeutic by the way) Needed to run to the store as I was at the store a song I never heard before came on so I was listening to the words (song about missing someone) and BAM out of nowhere I almost lost it. I felt like I was kicked in the gut with emotions. Then husband calls me and tells me he is about to get off work when I know for a fact he has been off work for hours and at his place where he goes to do drugs. I don't know how to deal with the LYING. I expect it, I know it is going to happen. I should mind my own business but I despise being lied to. Why can't I get a job so I can leave him. Why the very same day I was going to leave him I was laid off. Arggggg
So I've been feeling pretty well last few days. I decided to paint my kitchen (very therapeutic by the way) Needed to run to the store as I was at the store a song I never heard before came on so I was listening to the words (song about missing someone) and BAM out of nowhere I almost lost it. I felt like I was kicked in the gut with emotions. Then husband calls me and tells me he is about to get off work when I know for a fact he has been off work for hours and at his place where he goes to do drugs. I don't know how to deal with the LYING. I expect it, I know it is going to happen. I should mind my own business but I despise being lied to. Why can't I get a job so I can leave him. Why the very same day I was going to leave him I was laid off. Arggggg
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