How do I know if he's an alcoholic? Please help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 7
How do I know if he's an alcoholic? Please help.
Hello everyone, I am new to your wonderful site. I've read a few dozen threads already, but can't seem to find any posts regarding similar issues to mine.
I've been with my boyfriend close to two years. We don't live together and only see each other once or twice a week because I work out of town. Not even once have I seen him drunk, and we've had tons of time together where alcohol was involved. I'm 39, he's 49.
He told me right after we met that he'd recently spent a year attending AA meetings. He said it helped him get his head straight before he filed for his divorce, and that he'd since learned how do drink in reasonable quantities.
Twice since we've been together there were very clear signs he was in a pattern of drinking too much and when I confronted him he wholeheartedly agreed and cut back. (I'd then found lots of empty cans in his trash and heard him cracking beers after I'd gone to bed.) He went to one AA meeting although he'd promised to go regularly, but he seemed to be drinking much less so I was ok with that. I am 100% confident he quit smoking pot last year - he said when he was high he was propelled to drink at the same time.
But here are the red flags:
- Last week I got to his house before he did (he was stuck in traffic) and I found an empty bottle of wine in the top of the trash and a half-empty one front and center of the counter.
- His debit card occasionally shows $40+ charges for lunches when I know he's dined alone. There are also infrequent smaller charges at gas stations.
- When he goes out of town for a long weekend with his 7yo son, there can be several of these charges in one day and $100 dinners.
- I once found an empty beer bottle in his truck (he said he threw it in there when he was cleaning out his boat).
- He rarely answers his phone after 8pm. They next day he'll tell me he was really tired and went to bed early. When he replies by texts at night, sometimes there are more misspelled words than usual.
- He has told me his sister still throws it in his face about his prior problem with drinking and doesn't understand why she can't see that this was a long time ago. They no longer have a good relationship because of this as well as other issues.
- He spends Sunday afternoons watching football with his friend who he says drinks too frequently.
- He was recently diagnosed with IBS and has to go in for a liver scan because of spots seen on a less precise MRI he had done this summer.
Am I being hypersensitive since I know he's previously had a drinking problem??? I am completely stressed out because I can't prove anything since we see each other so infrequently, but my gut has me on high alert!!! He knows I've counted cans in the past and keep a mental inventory of his consumption and I'm afraid I've unknowingly taught him how to cover his tracks. Nonetheless, he's the mentally strongest man I've ever known who treats me with love and respect every single day.
How do I know if things have gotten out of control again? I need to get some hard evidence. Please help. Any advice/observations are welcome greatly appreciated!
I've been with my boyfriend close to two years. We don't live together and only see each other once or twice a week because I work out of town. Not even once have I seen him drunk, and we've had tons of time together where alcohol was involved. I'm 39, he's 49.
He told me right after we met that he'd recently spent a year attending AA meetings. He said it helped him get his head straight before he filed for his divorce, and that he'd since learned how do drink in reasonable quantities.
Twice since we've been together there were very clear signs he was in a pattern of drinking too much and when I confronted him he wholeheartedly agreed and cut back. (I'd then found lots of empty cans in his trash and heard him cracking beers after I'd gone to bed.) He went to one AA meeting although he'd promised to go regularly, but he seemed to be drinking much less so I was ok with that. I am 100% confident he quit smoking pot last year - he said when he was high he was propelled to drink at the same time.
But here are the red flags:
- Last week I got to his house before he did (he was stuck in traffic) and I found an empty bottle of wine in the top of the trash and a half-empty one front and center of the counter.
- His debit card occasionally shows $40+ charges for lunches when I know he's dined alone. There are also infrequent smaller charges at gas stations.
- When he goes out of town for a long weekend with his 7yo son, there can be several of these charges in one day and $100 dinners.
- I once found an empty beer bottle in his truck (he said he threw it in there when he was cleaning out his boat).
- He rarely answers his phone after 8pm. They next day he'll tell me he was really tired and went to bed early. When he replies by texts at night, sometimes there are more misspelled words than usual.
- He has told me his sister still throws it in his face about his prior problem with drinking and doesn't understand why she can't see that this was a long time ago. They no longer have a good relationship because of this as well as other issues.
- He spends Sunday afternoons watching football with his friend who he says drinks too frequently.
- He was recently diagnosed with IBS and has to go in for a liver scan because of spots seen on a less precise MRI he had done this summer.
Am I being hypersensitive since I know he's previously had a drinking problem??? I am completely stressed out because I can't prove anything since we see each other so infrequently, but my gut has me on high alert!!! He knows I've counted cans in the past and keep a mental inventory of his consumption and I'm afraid I've unknowingly taught him how to cover his tracks. Nonetheless, he's the mentally strongest man I've ever known who treats me with love and respect every single day.
How do I know if things have gotten out of control again? I need to get some hard evidence. Please help. Any advice/observations are welcome greatly appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
I'm no expert, but there's no such thing as "previously had a drinking problem." You are never "cured" of alcoholism, and I have never heard of an alcoholic who is able to drink in moderation.
You don't need to go hunting down the evidence to prove him guilty. I think you already know.
You don't need to go hunting down the evidence to prove him guilty. I think you already know.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Trust your gut and trust the way you see things adding up via evidence.
You may well have seen him drunk and not known it.
In my opinion, he's got a problem, and you must ask yourself if you really want that to be YOUR problem...
To paint a picture.... yet another night at my house where my husband gets drunk, hides how much he had actually drank from me, I knew because he was way too drunk to have only had what he said, I am walking on eggshells because ANYTHING could set him off, he acts like an @$$hole to me and treats me poorly, doesn't eat the dinner I made until hours later so as not to bring down his state of drunkenness, becomes a know it all, yells over nothing, stumbkes around and had his eyes rolling back in his head - I'm so disgusted by that look I can't even explain it, when I tried to awaken him to ask a question he got angry and then gave me an answer that made LITERALLY NO SENSE, sat in the other room in the dark staring at the fish tank which he's obsessed with, wants to buy things we can't afford right now...now he's passed out on the bed. I'm more alone than if I were literally alone, by myself.
So, what do you want for your life?
Because this isn't what I ever wanted for mine...
Peace.
You may well have seen him drunk and not known it.
In my opinion, he's got a problem, and you must ask yourself if you really want that to be YOUR problem...
To paint a picture.... yet another night at my house where my husband gets drunk, hides how much he had actually drank from me, I knew because he was way too drunk to have only had what he said, I am walking on eggshells because ANYTHING could set him off, he acts like an @$$hole to me and treats me poorly, doesn't eat the dinner I made until hours later so as not to bring down his state of drunkenness, becomes a know it all, yells over nothing, stumbkes around and had his eyes rolling back in his head - I'm so disgusted by that look I can't even explain it, when I tried to awaken him to ask a question he got angry and then gave me an answer that made LITERALLY NO SENSE, sat in the other room in the dark staring at the fish tank which he's obsessed with, wants to buy things we can't afford right now...now he's passed out on the bed. I'm more alone than if I were literally alone, by myself.
So, what do you want for your life?
Because this isn't what I ever wanted for mine...
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 7
Wow, thank you both so much for the insight. Onawa, my heart hurts for you.
I am obviously very naive when it comes to addiction. It's just that I feel like I need to be damn sure of my facts before I confront him. He's so very high-functioning and I've never even heard him slur a word after a drink, so I want to make very sure I am correct in my accusation. Honestly, I am a bit envious of those of you who have partners who remove all doubt with their drunken behavior.
I feel like I am alone in uncharted waters.
During our previous go-around when things last got out of hand, I told him that I would fully support him if he got help and that the only way I would get mad is if he were battling a problem and hid it from me. If I can determine for sure that he has a problem that he won't battle, I am fully prepared to walk away.
I am obviously very naive when it comes to addiction. It's just that I feel like I need to be damn sure of my facts before I confront him. He's so very high-functioning and I've never even heard him slur a word after a drink, so I want to make very sure I am correct in my accusation. Honestly, I am a bit envious of those of you who have partners who remove all doubt with their drunken behavior.
I feel like I am alone in uncharted waters.
During our previous go-around when things last got out of hand, I told him that I would fully support him if he got help and that the only way I would get mad is if he were battling a problem and hid it from me. If I can determine for sure that he has a problem that he won't battle, I am fully prepared to walk away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
With an A, it can be hard to tell if they are drinking, they tend to hide it well. My RAH could drink a case (yep, I mean 24) and seem pretty with it to people that didn't live with him. The only time I heard him actually slur (and stumble when walking), was following a dozen beers & three bottles of wine...within 5 hours. Yep, what a mess. I'm reading red flags in your story.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I, like you, really want to have FACTS and HARD EVIDENCE before I draw conclusions in life, in general.
That doesn't work with an alcoholic because they lie, hide, omit, twist things, present themselves as more together than they are, as better people than they are, etc.
In the case of lies, all you have is your gut instinct against their word. Doesn't necessarily matter if you know you're right, they aren't necessarily going to give you any hard evidence to go by...
...until you live with them....
...then the hard evidence is all over...evidence that you are in over your head and that they will fight ANYTHING that threatens to get between them and their precious alcohol.
Read your initial post in this thread. Read over the list you write.
Read it as though someone else has written it, and think about what conclusions you would draw from that post if it were written by someone else, and what advice you'd have for them.
Peace.
That doesn't work with an alcoholic because they lie, hide, omit, twist things, present themselves as more together than they are, as better people than they are, etc.
In the case of lies, all you have is your gut instinct against their word. Doesn't necessarily matter if you know you're right, they aren't necessarily going to give you any hard evidence to go by...
...until you live with them....
...then the hard evidence is all over...evidence that you are in over your head and that they will fight ANYTHING that threatens to get between them and their precious alcohol.
Read your initial post in this thread. Read over the list you write.
Read it as though someone else has written it, and think about what conclusions you would draw from that post if it were written by someone else, and what advice you'd have for them.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Listen to your instincts!
It worries me that you can't talk to him about your concerns which are normal given his history. Are you 'already walking on eggshells'? If so, please believe it will get worse.
Onawaminiya - I can relate so much to your first post. I feel more alone now than when I lived alone! It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship but still we live in hope.
It worries me that you can't talk to him about your concerns which are normal given his history. Are you 'already walking on eggshells'? If so, please believe it will get worse.
Onawaminiya - I can relate so much to your first post. I feel more alone now than when I lived alone! It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship but still we live in hope.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Denverkitty, as others have said, it is totally possible for an A to be drunk and yet have that fact be pretty much undetectable. My A concealed his drinking from me for YEARS. I only knew that our relationship was going downhill, that he seemed more and more distant, that he never seemed to remember conversations and got very snippy when I was bothered by this. Had not the slightest clue why.
Yes, they can be VERY good at hiding it, and in your shoes, I'd trust my gut and not ignore those red flags.
You've gotten good advice from others here; I have nothing more to add, but just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in having an A who hides not only the act of his drinking but the degree of his drunkenness.
Yes, they can be VERY good at hiding it, and in your shoes, I'd trust my gut and not ignore those red flags.
You've gotten good advice from others here; I have nothing more to add, but just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in having an A who hides not only the act of his drinking but the degree of his drunkenness.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When my AH drinks it is quite normal for no one except me to be able to tell, and that is only because we have been together for 16 years! I could not always tell, believe me. And I class him as a binge drinker. He may only drink once per week but cannot control it when he does...sometimes.
I also class him as an alcoholic. He hides booze and he lies to me about it on occasion. He has been in trouble for drinking in his past. It has had negative effects on our relationship. That is alcoholism enough to cause me and my family problems.
If you have found this site then your gut instinct will most likely be correct.
Hugs.
I also class him as an alcoholic. He hides booze and he lies to me about it on occasion. He has been in trouble for drinking in his past. It has had negative effects on our relationship. That is alcoholism enough to cause me and my family problems.
If you have found this site then your gut instinct will most likely be correct.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
If you have found this site then your gut instinct will most likely be correct.
You can ask him all you want. Just be prepared for the run around because you will get it. If you confront him, you are essentially interfering with his love affair with alcohol. Keep pestering him and he's going to turn on you. His sweet demeanor will be replaced with a vile and vicious one.
In my experience, he's picked up where he left off... that's even if he left off the first time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's an alcoholic. He spent a year in AA. No one goes to AA because they're just looking to socialize. Alcoholics can never "learn how to drink". They can NOT drink, period.
You don't spend a lot of time together, that may be part of the reason that you think you haven't "seen" him drunk. He may be managing to keep you at a distance when really drunk. That can't last forever. This is a progressive disease, so he will get worse over time.
Here's the real issue. You are spending a lot of time monitoring his activities. That will make YOU crazy, yet does nothing to address the issue. It doesn't matter how much "hard evidence" you accumulate, you can't confront an alcoholic and win. They will protect their addiction at all costs. You already know what you need to know. And, he already knows how much/how often he's drinking.
Listen to your gut, it won't steer you wrong. This guy is not healthy for you.
You don't spend a lot of time together, that may be part of the reason that you think you haven't "seen" him drunk. He may be managing to keep you at a distance when really drunk. That can't last forever. This is a progressive disease, so he will get worse over time.
Here's the real issue. You are spending a lot of time monitoring his activities. That will make YOU crazy, yet does nothing to address the issue. It doesn't matter how much "hard evidence" you accumulate, you can't confront an alcoholic and win. They will protect their addiction at all costs. You already know what you need to know. And, he already knows how much/how often he's drinking.
Listen to your gut, it won't steer you wrong. This guy is not healthy for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Here's the real issue. You are spending a lot of time monitoring his activities. That will make YOU crazy, yet does nothing to address the issue. It doesn't matter how much "hard evidence" you accumulate, you can't confront an alcoholic and win.
You are already affected by his drinking.
In a normal relationship, you don't go around snooping through lunch charges on the credit card and look through garbage to see whether someone has been drinking. That is already a behavior affected by alcoholism.
And you're probably thinking you don't want to dump him if he's NOT drinking, if you're wrong. But you know -- if whatever-it-is-he-IS-doing is already making you act like you were his parole officer... is this really a healthy relationship?
(I'm saying that with the greatest of concern and love, even if it sounds harsh. People told me for ten years that my husband was an alcoholic, even offered to help me leave him. I didn't believe them. Got the scars to prove it, so do my kids.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
OniwaMinia I so relate to your first post also as that was my life with XABF! I am less lonely living alone and felt so much more alone living with him. Denverkitty, you are like I used to be: consumed with your boyfriends activities and searching for clues. Addicts are consumed with their substances and we get consumed by the addict. It takes up so much time and energy and you end up forgetting who you are without them. It is an unhealthy place to be and like others here said you will drive yourself crazy! Please start focusing your energy on yourself and maybe even attend an al anon meeting. Educate yourself on alcoholism and go from there. I wish you the best and understand where you are and what you are going through. Glad you are here and welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 7
Wow, I have learned so much in the last 24 hours - thank you all so much!
Addiction is something I am totally unfamiliar with. All I know of it is what I've read here, and boy have you opened my eyes!!! I believe EVERYTHING everyone has written in response, but I'm so shocked that someone (my BF) can be an A and I've never seen even one tiny sign of he being intoxicated in almost two years. He is a wonderful person and treats me like a queen. I love him, but I love myself, too and am prepared to walk if I must. However, I prefer to wait till after the holidays.
I'm not sure where to go from here though. I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress. I am not close to his sister and really have no support on my side nor his. I asked my counselor last week my concerns with his drinking and she couldn't point me in the right direction.
I can envision how the conversation might go ...
Me: I know you have a problem with alcohol and it needs to stop or I'm gone.
Him: What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think that? I stopped smoking pot and cut waaay back on the beer. My finances are finally in good shape and I've been going to the doctor. How much more do you want?!
Me: I have a gut feeling. I've seen signs.
Him: Signs, huh? And that's what you're going off of?
Then I feel helpless, unprepared and have no ammo.
I thought about finding a couple's counselor and confronting him there. Thoughts/suggestions???
Addiction is something I am totally unfamiliar with. All I know of it is what I've read here, and boy have you opened my eyes!!! I believe EVERYTHING everyone has written in response, but I'm so shocked that someone (my BF) can be an A and I've never seen even one tiny sign of he being intoxicated in almost two years. He is a wonderful person and treats me like a queen. I love him, but I love myself, too and am prepared to walk if I must. However, I prefer to wait till after the holidays.
I'm not sure where to go from here though. I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress. I am not close to his sister and really have no support on my side nor his. I asked my counselor last week my concerns with his drinking and she couldn't point me in the right direction.
I can envision how the conversation might go ...
Me: I know you have a problem with alcohol and it needs to stop or I'm gone.
Him: What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think that? I stopped smoking pot and cut waaay back on the beer. My finances are finally in good shape and I've been going to the doctor. How much more do you want?!
Me: I have a gut feeling. I've seen signs.
Him: Signs, huh? And that's what you're going off of?
Then I feel helpless, unprepared and have no ammo.
I thought about finding a couple's counselor and confronting him there. Thoughts/suggestions???
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
