How do I know if he's an alcoholic? Please help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
bird, I don't think you can necessarily say that about ALL alcoholics.
Denverkitty, I know how you feel. I knew absolutely nothing about addiction. Heck, I didn't even know RABF was an alcoholic until he flat out TOLD me (when I was so worried about those shakes he was having--I had no idea it was withdrawal!)
If you've been reading around here you know that you can't MAKE him stop drinking. You can tell him how you feel and how it has affected you, but the next step is up to him. Don't even let it become that debate scenario you described. You don't need ammo and you don't need proof to tell him how you feel.
Denverkitty, I know how you feel. I knew absolutely nothing about addiction. Heck, I didn't even know RABF was an alcoholic until he flat out TOLD me (when I was so worried about those shakes he was having--I had no idea it was withdrawal!)
If you've been reading around here you know that you can't MAKE him stop drinking. You can tell him how you feel and how it has affected you, but the next step is up to him. Don't even let it become that debate scenario you described. You don't need ammo and you don't need proof to tell him how you feel.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I'm sorry you are in a heart breaking position like this. It is hard to let go of, or even consider letting go of, a relationship that has gone on for two years.
I've known and dealt with many drug addicts, but never really too closely with an alcoholic before this. I was completely taken aback. At first, I was so confused by his words and actions. It's hard to believe the reality of it...that's because it's totally illogical and irrational. The harsh reactions I faced from him whenever I said anything about his drinking were hard to process at first. I thought he can't be serious...this is too ridiculous to be true. Sadly, it is true...he's an alcoholic, he's selfish, he's not insightful when it comes to self awareness, he's prepared to hurt me/lie to my face/say anything cruel just to hurt me, etc...and that's what happens when you try to get between an alcoholic and their TRUE love, alcohol.
Many people say it's like their partner is having an affair...with booze. I think it's more like they committed to alcohol and we are the "other" woman. Because at the end of the day, they go right back to their alcohol, no matter if they looked us right in the eye and told us they were leaving alcohol to be with us.
I think it's possible that you still want more to go on, that you still want to take more steps to confirm that he had a drinking problem, because you don't WANT to accept it, though your gut is telling you otherwise. No judgement from me, to be clear; I understand the pain you are feeling and how you want so badly for him to acknowledge the problem, apologize for treating you poorly, and to go get help and quit drinking so that you can really start your life together. I wish I could say something else, but from what you've posted, it really doesn't seem like he's ready or willing to do any of that. For example:
I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress.
Guilt tripping you ("how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?") and blaming/putting it on you ("you drink, too"). Common tactics when confronted about having a problem with alcohol include deflection, turning it back on you, guilt trips, bullying, acting insulted, acting as though there's no reason for you to not trust them despite their blaster dishonesty, anger, changing the subject completely, being passive-aggressive, silence/silent treatment, and the list, unfortunately, goes on. They often won't actually answer your question, but rather steer the conversation in another direction, usually towards picking on you and blaming you for something, ANYthing, as long as they don't have to face reality. The above list of tactics they will use is "crazy making". The purpose of it is to drive you crazy, getting you to stop focusing on their crappy behavior, and to start questioning yourself. It makes you second guess your gut instinct, question whether your perception of events is valid and accurate, question whether you are overreacting, question whether you remember things correctly, etc.
Really - how messed up is that that they can and they WILL cause you so much pain, in order to avoid the pain of having to face their own self and reality? This is selfish and cruel, immature, and no one wins.
Life with an alcoholic partner is extremely tiring, exasperating, upsetting, and unhealthy. Even with detachment, it's a sad kind of relationship. Detachment in a healthy relationship would KILL that relationship; yet, when in a relationship with an alcoholic, detachment is necessary to survive with your sanity intact. Think about that....how effed up is that???!!?!?
The conversation you listed in the post you just made where you envisioned how it would go speaks volumes. It's full of him insulting you, being condescending toward you, the old "what are you talking about?" line (I hear that one a LOT), the excuse making...and for what? So he can hold onto his precious alcohol while making you feel like crap? Making you feel helpless, unprepared, and unarmed?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again, the best advice I have is go with your gut.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I ignored that little voice that nagged me, telling me this isn't right. I wish I hadn't.
I'd keep working on YOU with your counselor. What did they have to say about it, if you care to share?
Peace.
I've known and dealt with many drug addicts, but never really too closely with an alcoholic before this. I was completely taken aback. At first, I was so confused by his words and actions. It's hard to believe the reality of it...that's because it's totally illogical and irrational. The harsh reactions I faced from him whenever I said anything about his drinking were hard to process at first. I thought he can't be serious...this is too ridiculous to be true. Sadly, it is true...he's an alcoholic, he's selfish, he's not insightful when it comes to self awareness, he's prepared to hurt me/lie to my face/say anything cruel just to hurt me, etc...and that's what happens when you try to get between an alcoholic and their TRUE love, alcohol.
Many people say it's like their partner is having an affair...with booze. I think it's more like they committed to alcohol and we are the "other" woman. Because at the end of the day, they go right back to their alcohol, no matter if they looked us right in the eye and told us they were leaving alcohol to be with us.
I think it's possible that you still want more to go on, that you still want to take more steps to confirm that he had a drinking problem, because you don't WANT to accept it, though your gut is telling you otherwise. No judgement from me, to be clear; I understand the pain you are feeling and how you want so badly for him to acknowledge the problem, apologize for treating you poorly, and to go get help and quit drinking so that you can really start your life together. I wish I could say something else, but from what you've posted, it really doesn't seem like he's ready or willing to do any of that. For example:
I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress.
Guilt tripping you ("how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?") and blaming/putting it on you ("you drink, too"). Common tactics when confronted about having a problem with alcohol include deflection, turning it back on you, guilt trips, bullying, acting insulted, acting as though there's no reason for you to not trust them despite their blaster dishonesty, anger, changing the subject completely, being passive-aggressive, silence/silent treatment, and the list, unfortunately, goes on. They often won't actually answer your question, but rather steer the conversation in another direction, usually towards picking on you and blaming you for something, ANYthing, as long as they don't have to face reality. The above list of tactics they will use is "crazy making". The purpose of it is to drive you crazy, getting you to stop focusing on their crappy behavior, and to start questioning yourself. It makes you second guess your gut instinct, question whether your perception of events is valid and accurate, question whether you are overreacting, question whether you remember things correctly, etc.
Really - how messed up is that that they can and they WILL cause you so much pain, in order to avoid the pain of having to face their own self and reality? This is selfish and cruel, immature, and no one wins.
Life with an alcoholic partner is extremely tiring, exasperating, upsetting, and unhealthy. Even with detachment, it's a sad kind of relationship. Detachment in a healthy relationship would KILL that relationship; yet, when in a relationship with an alcoholic, detachment is necessary to survive with your sanity intact. Think about that....how effed up is that???!!?!?
The conversation you listed in the post you just made where you envisioned how it would go speaks volumes. It's full of him insulting you, being condescending toward you, the old "what are you talking about?" line (I hear that one a LOT), the excuse making...and for what? So he can hold onto his precious alcohol while making you feel like crap? Making you feel helpless, unprepared, and unarmed?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again, the best advice I have is go with your gut.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I ignored that little voice that nagged me, telling me this isn't right. I wish I hadn't.
I'd keep working on YOU with your counselor. What did they have to say about it, if you care to share?
Peace.
Last edited by OnawaMiniya; 12-16-2013 at 10:48 PM. Reason: autocorrect errors in spelling
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Ixi 
bird, I don't think you can necessarily say that about ALL alcoholics.
My experience: My ABF saw an addiction's therapist who wanted to see me separately. The guy told me to my face and asked if I heard him: You want my advice? Say: Call me when you get sober. He proceeded to tell me he does not counsel active drinkers and their partners because there is too much brain damage there to a./ make permanent changes b./ be consistent c./ fix anything in the midst of an addiction. He also let me know that trying to talk to him about it would just cause him to run away, b/c until he is ready to deal with it himself and hits his rock bottom, he will not be open to any suggestion of a drinking problem whether it's in couples counseling or in our living room with us alone. Us alone is about 200$ cheaper, so if i am not going to get anywhere i'd rather do it for free! LOL.
I did not take his advice obviously b/c I thought, "Not MY alcoholic! I can find a counselor." I then found a non addictions therapist, (the only type willing to take us!) and the first said not to come back together once she realized he was active addict and thus a compulsive liar to protect that, the second gave him under the influence- the book- and told me he is not going to be a candidate for counseling as an addict b/c he cannot make those kinds of communication strides when he has this kind of brain damage and issues with addiction/lying/denying.etc.
I wasted thousands of dollars. Today he is much worse than he was then, it did NOTHING. He used it to just turn things around on me and keep me even more entrenched in his disease and the drama. best thing I ever did for myself? quit the counseling with the last therapist when I realized he was playing games with everyone, even her. It was very upsetting for him I didn't go - he lost control of me.
I took that money and put it into a counselor who knows this disease for MYSELF. (Minus him.) and started to work on dealing with this disease from my end… instead of talking to him with a professional HOPING that it would make any sort of difference. I really don't think it works. I guess that is just my opinion, and a few other addiction therapists in my area. who knows.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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He'll probably feel ambushed and it won,t go well. You won,t get the results you are looking for. How about going to Alanon for you?
Originally Posted by DenverKitty
Wow, I have learned so much in the last 24 hours - thank you all so much!
Addiction is something I am totally unfamiliar with. All I know of it is what I've read here, and boy have you opened my eyes!!! I believe EVERYTHING everyone has written in response, but I'm so shocked that someone (my BF) can be an A and I've never seen even one tiny sign of he being intoxicated in almost two years. He is a wonderful person and treats me like a queen. I love him, but I love myself, too and am prepared to walk if I must. However, I prefer to wait till after the holidays.
I'm not sure where to go from here though. I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress. I am not close to his sister and really have no support on my side nor his. I asked my counselor last week my concerns with his drinking and she couldn't point me in the right direction.
I can envision how the conversation might go ...
Me: I know you have a problem with alcohol and it needs to stop or I'm gone.
Him: What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think that? I stopped smoking pot and cut waaay back on the beer. My finances are finally in good shape and I've been going to the doctor. How much more do you want?!
Me: I have a gut feeling. I've seen signs.
Him: Signs, huh? And that's what you're going off of?
Then I feel helpless, unprepared and have no ammo.
I thought about finding a couple's counselor and confronting him there. Thoughts/suggestions???
Addiction is something I am totally unfamiliar with. All I know of it is what I've read here, and boy have you opened my eyes!!! I believe EVERYTHING everyone has written in response, but I'm so shocked that someone (my BF) can be an A and I've never seen even one tiny sign of he being intoxicated in almost two years. He is a wonderful person and treats me like a queen. I love him, but I love myself, too and am prepared to walk if I must. However, I prefer to wait till after the holidays.
I'm not sure where to go from here though. I've pestered him before only to receive the response "how can you not trust me/are you calling me a liar?", "you drink, too", etc., etc. and clearly have made no progress. I am not close to his sister and really have no support on my side nor his. I asked my counselor last week my concerns with his drinking and she couldn't point me in the right direction.
I can envision how the conversation might go ...
Me: I know you have a problem with alcohol and it needs to stop or I'm gone.
Him: What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think that? I stopped smoking pot and cut waaay back on the beer. My finances are finally in good shape and I've been going to the doctor. How much more do you want?!
Me: I have a gut feeling. I've seen signs.
Him: Signs, huh? And that's what you're going off of?
Then I feel helpless, unprepared and have no ammo.
I thought about finding a couple's counselor and confronting him there. Thoughts/suggestions???
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I went to counselling with xah two summers ago. Three sessions, three disgusting fights immediately thereafter. But boy, he was honest there about his drinking. More than ever before or since.
That helped open my eyes to the extent of his disease.
But it isn't the safest path to do counselling with an A. He should have gone alone and the counsellor could have spared me some pain and scary abuse.
Yet knowing the truth is grounding. You can't decide to detach and/or leave an A until you're sure there is a real problem and they aren't planning on fixing it.
That helped open my eyes to the extent of his disease.
But it isn't the safest path to do counselling with an A. He should have gone alone and the counsellor could have spared me some pain and scary abuse.
Yet knowing the truth is grounding. You can't decide to detach and/or leave an A until you're sure there is a real problem and they aren't planning on fixing it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
DenverKitty, my experience with my husband is that it does no good to continually discuss his alcohol consumption. It just becomes "nagging" and does nothing (except provide an additional reason to drink!) They quit when and if they are ready. No sooner, no later regardless of what we do/don't say or do.
ETA: We did marriage counseling for all of a month. He quit because he felt like it was driving us apart instead of together (because we were actually acknowledging issues including his drinking, instead of ignoring the elephant in the room.) I'm still going alone. I'm also in Al-Anon.
ETA: We did marriage counseling for all of a month. He quit because he felt like it was driving us apart instead of together (because we were actually acknowledging issues including his drinking, instead of ignoring the elephant in the room.) I'm still going alone. I'm also in Al-Anon.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Mkay. Since no one has mentioned this . . . I suppose I will be the first . . .
From this list . . .
But here are the red flags:
- Last week I got to his house before he did (he was stuck in traffic) and I found an empty bottle of wine in the top of the trash and a half-empty one front and center of the counter.
- His debit card occasionally shows $40+ charges for lunches when I know he's dined alone. There are also infrequent smaller charges at gas stations.
- When he goes out of town for a long weekend with his 7yo son, there can be several of these charges in one day and $100 dinners.
- I once found an empty beer bottle in his truck (he said he threw it in there when he was cleaning out his boat).
- He rarely answers his phone after 8pm. They next day he'll tell me he was really tired and went to bed early. When he replies by texts at night, sometimes there are more misspelled words than usual.
- He has told me his sister still throws it in his face about his prior problem with drinking and doesn't understand why she can't see that this was a long time ago. They no longer have a good relationship because of this as well as other issues.
- He spends Sunday afternoons watching football with his friend who he says drinks too frequently.
- He was recently diagnosed with IBS and has to go in for a liver scan because of spots seen on a less precise MRI he had done this summer.
My question is: How did the Colonoscopy go?
Because you must have climbed up his ass by now to check things, out there, too.
Sort of joking, but you follow I am not really?
Things are out of control.
Out of your control.
And THAT is the way things are supposed to be.
As far as advice . . . . Alanon. You. Go. Now.
From this list . . .
Originally Posted by DenverKitty
But here are the red flags:
- Last week I got to his house before he did (he was stuck in traffic) and I found an empty bottle of wine in the top of the trash and a half-empty one front and center of the counter.
- His debit card occasionally shows $40+ charges for lunches when I know he's dined alone. There are also infrequent smaller charges at gas stations.
- When he goes out of town for a long weekend with his 7yo son, there can be several of these charges in one day and $100 dinners.
- I once found an empty beer bottle in his truck (he said he threw it in there when he was cleaning out his boat).
- He rarely answers his phone after 8pm. They next day he'll tell me he was really tired and went to bed early. When he replies by texts at night, sometimes there are more misspelled words than usual.
- He has told me his sister still throws it in his face about his prior problem with drinking and doesn't understand why she can't see that this was a long time ago. They no longer have a good relationship because of this as well as other issues.
- He spends Sunday afternoons watching football with his friend who he says drinks too frequently.
- He was recently diagnosed with IBS and has to go in for a liver scan because of spots seen on a less precise MRI he had done this summer.
Because you must have climbed up his ass by now to check things, out there, too.
Sort of joking, but you follow I am not really?
Am I being hypersensitive since I know he's previously had a drinking problem??? I am completely stressed out because I can't prove anything since we see each other so infrequently, but my gut has me on high alert!!! He knows I've counted cans in the past and keep a mental inventory of his consumption and I'm afraid I've unknowingly taught him how to cover his tracks. Nonetheless, he's the mentally strongest man I've ever known who treats me with love and respect every single day.
How do I know if things have gotten out of control again? I need to get some hard evidence. Please help. Any advice/observations are welcome greatly appreciated!
How do I know if things have gotten out of control again? I need to get some hard evidence. Please help. Any advice/observations are welcome greatly appreciated!
Out of your control.
And THAT is the way things are supposed to be.
As far as advice . . . . Alanon. You. Go. Now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
You can't reason with them, their brain doesn't function like a non-addictive brain. Instead of giving him ultimatums, set boundaries of what you can live with; and be sure to follow through with whatever you say you are going to do. They are good at manipulating and lying to protect their addiction! I am impressed that you saw the red signs with no prior history with addiction...kudos to you!!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"I love him, but I love myself, too and am prepared to walk if I must. However, I prefer to wait till after the holidays."
Oh...those crazy holidays. If it wasn't the holiday season, would it make your relationship and your own life different? Why do the holidays have such power to affect our choices?
I only ask, because I remember being in those shoes. I always had a reason to wait to make the changes I knew I had to make. The holidays....family visiting....important work obligation etc etc. I held on through the holidays in a bad relationship, guess what? That holiday wasn't very fun. I would have been better to make a break, and have a quiet peaceful day to myself. Not telling you what to do...but the "holidays" is just a day or two. ....don't let that stand in the way of your serenity.
Oh...those crazy holidays. If it wasn't the holiday season, would it make your relationship and your own life different? Why do the holidays have such power to affect our choices?
I only ask, because I remember being in those shoes. I always had a reason to wait to make the changes I knew I had to make. The holidays....family visiting....important work obligation etc etc. I held on through the holidays in a bad relationship, guess what? That holiday wasn't very fun. I would have been better to make a break, and have a quiet peaceful day to myself. Not telling you what to do...but the "holidays" is just a day or two. ....don't let that stand in the way of your serenity.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 4
so, so similar
Originally Posted by DenverKitty
But here are the red flags:
- Last week I got to his house before he did (he was stuck in traffic) and I found an empty bottle of wine in the top of the trash and a half-empty one front and center of the counter.
- His debit card occasionally shows $40+ charges for lunches when I know he's dined alone. There are also infrequent smaller charges at gas stations.
- When he goes out of town for a long weekend with his 7yo son, there can be several of these charges in one day and $100 dinners.
- I once found an empty beer bottle in his truck (he said he threw it in there when he was cleaning out his boat).
- He rarely answers his phone after 8pm. They next day he'll tell me he was really tired and went to bed early. When he replies by texts at night, sometimes there are more misspelled words than usual.
- He has told me his sister still throws it in his face about his prior problem with drinking and doesn't understand why she can't see that this was a long time ago. They no longer have a good relationship because of this as well as other issues.
- He spends Sunday afternoons watching football with his friend who he says drinks too frequently.
- He was recently diagnosed with IBS and has to go in for a liver scan because of spots seen on a less precise MRI he had done this summer.
[
But:
I've counted beer cans.
I've monitored the credit card statement for a bunch of very small convenience store charges.
Watched as he avoided late night conversations with "I'm just tired", which he now admits was him covering the fact that he knew if he said more than a few words, I'd hear him slurring.
Found an empty beer can in the cab of his truck, which he "tossed in there while I was working on {friend}'s car with him".
Surprised him in the garage before he had a chance to shove the empty cans to the bottom of the garbage.
Sounds very similar, huh? I differ from many on here in that I have not been and do not plan to go to Alanon. His problem to solve, not mine, although I'm fully supportive. However, I do agree 100% with other posters that yours is an alcoholic whether he admits it or not - it looks to me like his first go round with AA was a test run, not the real thing. Alcoholics can't drink in moderation, period, at least not for long, so he still needs to accept Step 1.
The thing is, you can point all this out to him and he'll deny deny deny, and then turn it around on you, and by the end he'll have you so confused you feel like you should apologize to him! You KNOW inside what's really going on. So does it really MATTER whether he denies it, throws it at you? Just keep focused on THE FACTS, the truth that your eyes can see. He has to decide between you and alcohol, full stop. If not, it's all downhill from here.
A hug if you want it, because I know how hard this part is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 7
dangerdoll - I think we're living the exact same life! It's as if I wrote your post myself!
As for all the comments on counseling, thank you, but I should clarify ... I don't want to go to couples counseling for the purpose of fixing things. I just want BACKUP when I tell him I'm done being blind. I absolutely dread initiating a one-on-one conversation with him - I'm afraid I'll cave, I'll second guess myself, I'll blow it. I did once before.
I don't have anyone else to help me out or to plan an intervention with. The only exception is friends to help me get through post-breakup tears. I'm pretty much alone in this.
I am ready to call it quits as soon as I am 100% sure all of his problems are true. At this point I'm at 90%. What's wrong with me?!?! I can accept that he has a problem. It's terrible to say this, but in fact, I hope he does so at least this dread will be gone (the worst part of it all). I just want to have my hardcore ducks in a row when I drop the hammer. It will be a relief when all of this is over - the anticipation is killing me. My hair actually started falling out a few weeks ago. I just need to find the b@ll$ to do it. (And in all honesty, I'm kind of a whimp and HATE confrontation.) Moving on won't be the hard part. This is the hard part. Ask any old ex of mine ... when I'm done, I'm done. My exes are dead to me. I hope not to need Alanon, albeit a wonderful program.
Would it be yellow-bellied of me to just forward all these posts to him in an email and let that be that? I can't handle hearing again that I don't know what I'm talking about.
As for all the comments on counseling, thank you, but I should clarify ... I don't want to go to couples counseling for the purpose of fixing things. I just want BACKUP when I tell him I'm done being blind. I absolutely dread initiating a one-on-one conversation with him - I'm afraid I'll cave, I'll second guess myself, I'll blow it. I did once before.
I don't have anyone else to help me out or to plan an intervention with. The only exception is friends to help me get through post-breakup tears. I'm pretty much alone in this.
I am ready to call it quits as soon as I am 100% sure all of his problems are true. At this point I'm at 90%. What's wrong with me?!?! I can accept that he has a problem. It's terrible to say this, but in fact, I hope he does so at least this dread will be gone (the worst part of it all). I just want to have my hardcore ducks in a row when I drop the hammer. It will be a relief when all of this is over - the anticipation is killing me. My hair actually started falling out a few weeks ago. I just need to find the b@ll$ to do it. (And in all honesty, I'm kind of a whimp and HATE confrontation.) Moving on won't be the hard part. This is the hard part. Ask any old ex of mine ... when I'm done, I'm done. My exes are dead to me. I hope not to need Alanon, albeit a wonderful program.
Would it be yellow-bellied of me to just forward all these posts to him in an email and let that be that? I can't handle hearing again that I don't know what I'm talking about.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Really I am sort of having a hard time tracking what "the problem" is.
Clearly the problem is not that he is an Alkie, is it? I mean you knew that when you walked in here.
You do not have kids with him, right? Looking at the numbers, I do not think you are planning on having kids with him, right? And you do not already have kids you need to protect?
Does not sound like he has objectionable in behavior, is he? Did I miss something in that?
So what do you like about it all? Good (or good enough) company? Good (or good enough) in bed? Treats you nice?
What is it that you think you need to "fix?"
Clearly the problem is not that he is an Alkie, is it? I mean you knew that when you walked in here.
You do not have kids with him, right? Looking at the numbers, I do not think you are planning on having kids with him, right? And you do not already have kids you need to protect?
Does not sound like he has objectionable in behavior, is he? Did I miss something in that?
So what do you like about it all? Good (or good enough) company? Good (or good enough) in bed? Treats you nice?
What is it that you think you need to "fix?"
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Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by DenverKitty
I am ready to call it quits as soon as I am 100% sure all of his problems are true. At this point I'm at 90%. What's wrong with me?!?! I can accept that he has a problem. It's terrible to say this, but in fact, I hope he does so at least this dread will be gone (the worst part of it all). I just want to have my hardcore ducks in a row when I drop the hammer. It will be a relief when all of this is over - the anticipation is killing me. My hair actually started falling out a few weeks ago. I just need to find the b@ll$ to do it. (And in all honesty, I'm kind of a whimp and HATE confrontation.) Moving on won't be the hard part. This is the hard part. Ask any old ex of mine ... when I'm done, I'm done. My exes are dead to me. I hope not to need Alanon, albeit a wonderful program.
Would it be yellow-bellied of me to just forward all these posts to him in an email and let that be that? I can't handle hearing again that I don't know what I'm talking about.
Would it be yellow-bellied of me to just forward all these posts to him in an email and let that be that? I can't handle hearing again that I don't know what I'm talking about.
I had to learn that if it was a problem for me, it was a problem. It did not matter if the other person considered it a problem or not. If I was walking on eggshells or changing my behavior to try to control his emotions or prevent an outburst that was enough to signal a problem.
I also came to find out that my struggle to engage in getting my needs met (afraid of confrontation), was mine, and though it had little to do with who I was in relationship with, until I started to deal with it I kept getting into relationships with people who were not healthy. It was this side of things that I needed to get both conseling, and that I found Al-Anon really helpful for.
I did not attend Al-Anon until the end of my relationship. I continue to go (though differently now) three years later. The reason is because if I don't keep my challenges in life in perspective I am going to continue to repeat the same patterns I have.
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