suncatcher

I have been more content since distancing myself from my XAB and have learned not to react to his emotional abuse over time. We still talk sometimes but I have noticed he seems rather hostile toward me. Could this hostility be a result of my detachment? Does the A even notice when we detach and stop giving them a reaction? Would welcome anyone who has experienced this and if it helped the A in their recovery process or did they just get more hateful toward you? I know I am getting stronger but I still can't help but wonder how he feels about the change in my attitude toward him. I am kind if I talk to him but I have stopped all the calls and checking on him and reacting negatively toward him. I am not getting back on the merry go round but he still tries to pull me on with him sometimes. Thank you for listening and I welcome your thoughts and experience. I attribute this wonderful site to my ongoing healing process.

Recovering2

When I first started really working on detachment, my counselor warned me. He said it would take a couple of weeks maybe, but my ABF would notice changes and likely not react well initially. Yep. It took about a week, but he noticed. And it definitely got a little worse before it got better. He went into overtime trying to engage me in a fight, trying to push my buttons, blaming etc. I stayed with my plan and remained detached. He didn't get any better at that time, but I did. He did eventually seek treatment, and has been in recovery for a year. Not sure how much the detachment played into that, but I didn't do it to get him sober. I did it to save myself.

suncatcher

Thank you so much recovering2! I got tears in my eyes when I read " I didn't do it to get him sober, I did it to save myself" that is ultimately what it is all about! As a codependent it is still hard for me to focus on myself and not focus on him so much but I am learning! Thank you for your response I really needed to hear that today! Peace to you

fourmaggie

my A in my life is recoverying for 8 years....i have started to say no to her and set boundaries...she is in the biggest temper tantrum of her life....this was in May of this year....and now, she plays the VICTIM and stays STUCK there for me saying no to her demands....i dont react anymore...its what addicts do best....

i feel for her that she can not go beyond her VICTIM stage....that is part of her
recovery...
I am at peace for finally saying my say...i knew the outcome...its normal behaviour for her to not get her way.....

i dont play the victim, never did...i have grown from this...and prayed to my HP about it...when "she gets it" and at her pace....i hope she is willing to talk to me like an adult...(she is over 50).....

I dont need validation on how i do things around my house and in my life...i just do it for ME....

suncatcher

Thank you fourmaggie. I am still struggling with saying no and setting boundaries. I used to be his personal chauffer but that stopped when I moved an hour away. Still he called last week and asked me to pick him up and I should have said no but regressed back to my old habit of rescue and caretake. I have not been calling him though which is a big improvement for me. Still it's hard for me to say no if he calls me. Hopefully I will get there! They are good at playing the victim and pushing our buttons aren't they? Wishing you peace and thank you for posting

Hammer

Typical response?

Generally somewhere between Stormy and The Hurricane.

If one were speaking Weather Metaphor.

--------------------------

Do you know about the Karpman Drama Triangle?

This is the basis of All the various Disney Princess Movies -- as well as dealing with A's.

It is an inverted triangle -- point at the bottom. This is where the victim places his/her self -- and then you are placed at one or the other top corners. Either in the role of "Rescuer" or "Villain." Today's rescuer can easily be tomorrow's Villain. Only the would-be Victim / Addict gets to keep their role.

Only way out for us is to pull away or leave the Game. When you detach and set boundaries -- You will generally be considered a Villain. Then the Drama continues by trying drag in new Suckers . . . er, ah, Rescuers.

Typical Layout:

HealingWillCome

Yes, they notice. The ego of the alcoholic needs to be fed constantly. When we don't play along, Ego gets cranky and hungry. And louder.

Can you go 100% no contact?

Stung

I've been practicing detachment the last few days. It's hard but very effective. AH gets very defensive and desperate. He constantly comes back and tries to goad me into fighting with him. "No, thank you. Please go along your merry way, I have nothing further to say or offer." Has been my new response in addition to walking myself and our kids away from him. Yesterday, he was trying to goad me and then told me we needed to make another appt with our marriage counselor (meaning *I* need to see her because he isn't getting the response he wants out of me), I told him that she recommended that its pointless for us to see her together until he's worked through his alcoholism, so he could email her and update her to his recovery this far and get her thoughts. And that shut him down. He may have been sober the last 4 days but his bad behaviors still remain. He's controlling and manipulative and defensive and aggressive. He's starting to get really frustrated that I'm educating myself and no longer falling into his trap.
On Monday he told me he was going to go see an addiction specialist but still hasn't made an appt. unfortunately, I think that's what will help him the most and its the one thing he keeps dragging his feet with.

suncatcher

Thank you all for responding to my post. It's comforting to know others who have gone through this and are still going through it with me. I have read a lot of literature including the triangle which was very enlightening as I was on that triangle playing victim and rescuer repeatedly. That's what I meant by not jumping back on the merry go round. I also read "Codependent No More" which I highlighted every page! It has been a slow but steady progress toward recovery but I feel like I am in a better place mentally than I was a year ago. You are right about the ego needing to be fed constantly and I am no longer feeding it! I am trying to stay 100 % no contact but I know I have my weak moments if he calls. It's going on 3 days with no contact but I'm doing well so far. I used to get so anxious when I didn't hear from him and then I would break down and call hence jump back on the triangle! But the anxiety is gone now and I actually feel at peace. One day at a time. Hugs and best wishes to all of you going through the same thing. Wonderful support on these boards and I am so grateful!

ladyscribbler

Mine reacted by escalating his attacks, as others have mentioned. Following me when I left the room, not allowing me to have personal space, disrupting my sleep, escalating to physical violence, whether it was smashing walls and furniture or threatening me physically. There was no "detaching", I ended up leaving because I finally saw that he couldn't live without a raging fight when he drank and I was frightened at the things I was doing to defend myself. One of us was going to end up dead or in jail. Or one of each.
That said, I think detachment can be a successful tactic in the right situation. I've had good results using it with my schizophrenic mother, refusing to engage her delusions, not trying to talk her out of it and walking away if she attempts to escalate to accusations or verbal abuse.

Florence

He's tugging the rope trying to make sure you're still holding your end. Healing for me began when I dropped the rope.

suncatcher

Ladyscribbler I am so glad you were able to leave that situation and get out safely! I am glad I live an hour away from XAB as it does make the detaching much easier and I know he won't drive here. I am glad you are able to use detaching in the situation with your mother. I work in mental health and sometimes have to practice that myself but I am sure it's different and not always easy to do with a family member. Wishing you much peace and glad you are here.

suncatcher

Florence, thank you for posting that. I am going to put that on my fridge to remind me that's what he is doing and to remind myself to drop the rope!

Seren

*chuckle* Yep, pretty much what everyone here has said. Escalation of crazy behavior to try to rope us back in. Ah, the good old days

RhodeIsland

I can't say exactly how your A will behave. But the one thing I've noticed is that I haven't seen many A's react by being supportive towards detachment.

oneday66

I asked my husband this question after he had been in recovery awhile... he said that when he was drinking/using.. he wasnt thinking about me.. if he did the guilt would make him drink or use to block it out.. he definately didn't want me around... he would reach out if he needed something.. emotional reassurance, company, wanted to feel normal.. whatever... so when he reached out he was basically ising me, likr he used drugs and alcahol, to change his moods..

I wouldnt worry so much about your detachment affecting him.. he may not get better for years... I had to focus on its affects on me... how was I going to deal when I had suddenly lost (its still a loss) this big part of my life..

PurpleWilder

What you are seeing here is a behavioral concept called an extinction burst.

From DailyKos.com:

An extinction burst is a concept from behavioral psychology. It involves the concept of elimination of a behavior by refusing to reinforce it.

The best example of this is a child's tantrum. Parents react to tantrums, which is why they often work, but the point of the tantrum is primarily attention. So when the parent reacts, it reinforces the tantrum and increases the frequency of it. What many parents fail to understand is that even a spank or yelling is still attention and still helps to reinforce the tantrum.

What is generally very effective about reducing tantrums is not attention, but a complete dearth of it. As difficult as it is to do so, the tantrum will generally go away once the attention is removed.

But first there is the extinction burst.

.
The extinction burst is basically what happens when the tantrum's not working any longer-- it actually gets worse for a time before it fades away

Stick to your guns - it will get worse but if you refuse to react eventually it will fade. But it takes time.

suncatcher

Thank you oneday66. Your post made a lot of sense to me. He does use others including me like he uses alcohol and weed to change his moods! Since I have been detaching he seems angry toward me and lashes out or just doesn't talk to me at all. I'm feeling better about myself but still worry about him. Also lately things he has said and done in the past keep playing over in my mind. I know I am doing the right thing. As you said he may not seek recovery for years. I worry that he doesn't have that long as he is already having some health issues. I know it's out of my hands and all I can do is wish him well and keep focusing on my own recovery. Thanks again for posting!

suncatcher

Thank you purpledurple! He alternates between hostile remarks and shutting me out completely. I am learning to not react either way.

cgfox

We haven't seen each other (since I'm in Europe and him in the US) but I don't think he notices I'm trying to distance myself. When he talks about going to rehab and such, I don't say anything but 'ok' -I've heard that too many times before.
But yesterday I got distant when he called and didn't want to listen to me (I had a bad day and just wanted to let go of stuffs), and that got him pretty upset.
Beside I knew he was drunk as f*** and high too (I'm always surprised how I can tell without even seeing him in front of me)
What OneDay66 said is very true for my bf. When he's bad into his drinking/drugging, I have almost no news during the day because he doesn't want to feel guilty about what he's doing (and I'm a mood downer -I'm no fun because I don't need drugs/booze to party).