That was then, this is now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
That was then, this is now
As an alternative to the "What do you remember from your childhood?" thread, this thread is about what you have done to become aware of what happened in your past, accept it and take action to change it's impact on your life.
As a child, there was never company in my house. No parties, no neighbors over for dinner. That would have been pretty embarassing with my mother being drunk most of the time.
As an adult, I have made sure that my kids grew up in a house where there was lots of company. Where their friends and my friends felt welcome and at home.
As a child, many holidays and birthdays were overlooked or "under celebrated" due to the fact that my mother was drunk.
As an adult, I take particular joy in celebrating holidays and birthdays.
As a child, my home was not a place of comfort or happiness.
As an adult, I have made a home that is a happy and comfortable place for me and for my children.
Okay kids, feel free to add your thoughts.
As a child, there was never company in my house. No parties, no neighbors over for dinner. That would have been pretty embarassing with my mother being drunk most of the time.
As an adult, I have made sure that my kids grew up in a house where there was lots of company. Where their friends and my friends felt welcome and at home.
As a child, many holidays and birthdays were overlooked or "under celebrated" due to the fact that my mother was drunk.
As an adult, I take particular joy in celebrating holidays and birthdays.
As a child, my home was not a place of comfort or happiness.
As an adult, I have made a home that is a happy and comfortable place for me and for my children.
Okay kids, feel free to add your thoughts.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Gabe...nice thread. I have to give this some thought because I am two adults. Then and now.
But the first thing that comes to mind is secrets. The ones I lived with and the ones I am going to spare my grandson.
Hugs,
JT
But the first thing that comes to mind is secrets. The ones I lived with and the ones I am going to spare my grandson.
Hugs,
JT
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Yup, I'm with JT on the two adults thing, kinda like an adult in transition. 
But let's see...
As a child, there was no love, affection, or positive reinforcement. As an adult, I am not afraid to tell the people in my life how much I love and support them.
As a child, I was afraid to show my true feelings for fear of being yelled at or ridiculed. As an adult, well, I'm still afraid, but I'm getting better at expressing myself.
As a child, I was profoundly unhappy and I never thought I could have a happy life. As an adult, I realize my happiness is up to me.
Good thread!
But let's see...
As a child, there was no love, affection, or positive reinforcement. As an adult, I am not afraid to tell the people in my life how much I love and support them.
As a child, I was afraid to show my true feelings for fear of being yelled at or ridiculed. As an adult, well, I'm still afraid, but I'm getting better at expressing myself.
As a child, I was profoundly unhappy and I never thought I could have a happy life. As an adult, I realize my happiness is up to me.
Good thread!
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
As a child, there was never company in my house. No parties, no neighbors over for dinner. That would have been pretty dangerous with my father being drunk most of the time.
As an adult, I have made sure that my kids grew up in a house where there was lots of love, lots of laughter, lots of security. Where their friends and my friends felt welcome and at home.
As a child, many holidays and birthdays were sad due to the fact that my father was drunk.
As an adult, my entire family takes particular joy in celebrating holidays and birthdays.
As a child, my home was not a place of comfort or happiness but often of misery.
As an adult, I have made a home that is a happy and comfortable place and safe for me and for my children.
My father drank until I was 21 years old. I married three weeks after I turned 21 to a man that was nothing like my father. I actively hated my father at the time. He is the only person I've ever had such strong negative emotions about. My father never drank again after that, why he was successful that time I don't know. After my son was born, my father fell in love with my son, in fact he adored him. I saw another side of my father, the hate faded, and I loved him again. He was a good , no he was an excellent grandfather, and loved my son and my daughter so completely I could not help but to forgive him from the past. I loved him again. I forgave him and the forgivness was complete.
The past was behind us and it stayed behind us.
Until now.
It appears my greatest sin is arrogance or pride. Not only did I think I could control my sons addition , I thought I could control fate, if I loved enough, if we laughed enough, I could, create a home that addiction could not enter.
We laughed, we love each other with such a strong bond. We refer to 'us' as 'four guys' and
I was terribly ..terribly wrong
for heroin came creeping in my windows, no worse, into the window of my son.
sigh
As an adult, I have made sure that my kids grew up in a house where there was lots of love, lots of laughter, lots of security. Where their friends and my friends felt welcome and at home.
As a child, many holidays and birthdays were sad due to the fact that my father was drunk.
As an adult, my entire family takes particular joy in celebrating holidays and birthdays.
As a child, my home was not a place of comfort or happiness but often of misery.
As an adult, I have made a home that is a happy and comfortable place and safe for me and for my children.
My father drank until I was 21 years old. I married three weeks after I turned 21 to a man that was nothing like my father. I actively hated my father at the time. He is the only person I've ever had such strong negative emotions about. My father never drank again after that, why he was successful that time I don't know. After my son was born, my father fell in love with my son, in fact he adored him. I saw another side of my father, the hate faded, and I loved him again. He was a good , no he was an excellent grandfather, and loved my son and my daughter so completely I could not help but to forgive him from the past. I loved him again. I forgave him and the forgivness was complete.
The past was behind us and it stayed behind us.
Until now.
It appears my greatest sin is arrogance or pride. Not only did I think I could control my sons addition , I thought I could control fate, if I loved enough, if we laughed enough, I could, create a home that addiction could not enter.
We laughed, we love each other with such a strong bond. We refer to 'us' as 'four guys' and
I was terribly ..terribly wrong
for heroin came creeping in my windows, no worse, into the window of my son.
sigh
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
When I was growing up, I was taught that I would never be successful if I followed my own heart. I was taught that I couldn't be myself and be accepted and loved. Today I try to be the best me I can, and realize that those who love me love the REAL me, and those who don't are people I don't need in my life.
Growing up, I was taught to look for the negative in everything and everyone. Today I try to see the positive and wonderful gifts that are offered to me daily. Hugs, Magic
Growing up, I was taught to look for the negative in everything and everyone. Today I try to see the positive and wonderful gifts that are offered to me daily. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: fresno, ca
Posts: 17
As a child I had labels, *****, stupid ugly, worthless. As an adult I know I was never any of those things that I believed. I don't have to live those labels. As a child I never felt like my needs were important. That everyone elses came first. As an Adult I realize that I feel that way because I never made myself a priority on my list, I was too busy taking care of everyone else. It's not selfish to take care of me. As a child we didn't express feelings , Oh boy has that changed. As a child we spoke to each other indirectly through another family member. " Hey brother, will you go talk to sister, she's mad at me and find out what's going on" It never occurred to me to go talk to her myself. As an adult if there is an issue, I go directly to the person instead of someone else. Growing up I could never trust my instincts or perception of what was happening, I would say Dads drunk again and my mom would say no he's just tired. As an Adult I know that if someones words don't match thier actions then the red flag goes up. As a child I was loyal to you no matter what. As an adult I know the difference between a healthty relationship and one that sick. I have choices now, I can choose the way I think about things, how I feel and how I react to things. Life is good and you guys are such a blessing to me. You know as a child I believed a lot of things that just were not true. I was told I couldn't sing, I was always told to be quiet. It became my personal truth never questioned it again. I never sang outloud again. I went back over everything I once believed and found out I can sing, I can do a lot of things I never thought I could. I test everything against the facts in my life and not against what someone else says. There is no greater joy for me that to find a fault I have or a coping skill that isn't working and replacing it with something that does. When I finally stopped trying to fix everyone else and saw that I had faults of my own, I became less judgemental, and more forgiving. It opened me up to let go of the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by dark angel
You know as a child I believed a lot of things that just were not true. I was told I couldn't sing, I was always told to be quiet. It became my personal truth never questioned it again. I never sang outloud again. I went back over everything I once believed and found out I can sing, I can do a lot of things I never thought I could.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 23
Dark Angel,
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and hold the child I was. I would tell me to not listen to my step mother who told me I couldn't do things or like things.
You know what?
I can sing too.
I can be athletic.
I do like pink.
and my church.
My friends did love me
I am beautiful.
everyone else has worth too.
they can all sing.
angela
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and hold the child I was. I would tell me to not listen to my step mother who told me I couldn't do things or like things.
You know what?
I can sing too.
I can be athletic.
I do like pink.
and my church.
My friends did love me
I am beautiful.
everyone else has worth too.
they can all sing.
angela
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I am living my childhood again. I am trying things that I thought I couldn't do for the same reasons that you've described. I may not be good at some things, but I will never know until I try. Who cares that others think it's foolish. I have the oportunity today to fall on my butt and then giggle til my sides hurt. Our life can begin again at whatever age we choose. We are not doomed to mourn that child. The only obstacle I have met is I don't have the energy of a child. But I take my time and I don't kill myself. I don't want to keep regretting what I missed. Today I live to the fullest of my ability. Hugs, Magic
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Massillon, Ohio
Posts: 387
Before I would not talk to a group of people I was shy. I did try things but I was scared. Now I can talk very well infront of a group of people. I do try new things. I am not as scared as a was before now. I went rock climbing in my home town that is inside. But I did it. People have told me all my life that you can't do this or that and now I am proving them wrong and proving that I was wrong too. I can do things and I am a great person. That is what has been different for me. My attitude. Morre positive now.
Love,
Shana, 18
Love,
Shana, 18
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
Wow!!!!!!
Reading this thread was not easy for me--reliving the past. My childhood was not something that I tend to dwell on. To be perfectly honest---Most I dont remember. Kinda scarey. Everyone in my family was an alcoholic. That was all I knew. I remember a few x-mas mornings that my brother and I came downstairs all to find half-wrapped presents. My mother drunk with my uncles and others just thinking that that was ok. To this day I HATE Christmas!!! Or any holiday for that matter!! I could tell some pretty ugly stories but I just cant bring myself to. Very painful. Today I am close to my mother-but I never delt with anything. Im sure I hold major resentments for that but pushing them aside is easier right now. Just for today-Im clean and sober-and intend to give my children the love that I never felt growing up. I know that what happens in your childhood greatly molds how you will be as an adult--and I cant let my children suffer any of the pain that I felt/feel. Well--I can start TODAY!!!
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
..................
I feel like I have to add to my post. Childhood is not easy and to add any kind of addiction to it can be very scarey. You are supposed to feel safe and loved but sometimes that is not the case. I, for one did not feel like that at all. My childhood sucked! But ya know--we can learn from it and stop the cycle. I know that when I was using that even though I was at home with my kids--not out galavanting--I was not truly there. I wasnt there for my children. Sure--I cooked dinner-cleaned the house, did laundry(sometimes-lol)
But as far as emotional support--my kids had none. I always felt guilty for that. Still do! I thought that when I stopped using all would be better and I would be this perfect mother. RIGHT. Just because I am not using I still have those behaviors. Im working on it but it is very hard. I dont know how to deal with my kids. I still get all stressed out and angry. I cant deal with the day to day problems and that really hurts me sometimes. I want my kids to have what I didnt growing up. But where do you start? I have a great support system and recieve plenty of advice-but to apply it--VERY HARD!
You are supposed to learn from your parents-but what do you do when you had no emotional support growing up? How do I even begin to teach my children values and emotional strength and comfort when I have none?
I dont know--all I can do is work on this and pray for the guidence I need.
Thanks for listening.
Ann
But as far as emotional support--my kids had none. I always felt guilty for that. Still do! I thought that when I stopped using all would be better and I would be this perfect mother. RIGHT. Just because I am not using I still have those behaviors. Im working on it but it is very hard. I dont know how to deal with my kids. I still get all stressed out and angry. I cant deal with the day to day problems and that really hurts me sometimes. I want my kids to have what I didnt growing up. But where do you start? I have a great support system and recieve plenty of advice-but to apply it--VERY HARD!
You are supposed to learn from your parents-but what do you do when you had no emotional support growing up? How do I even begin to teach my children values and emotional strength and comfort when I have none?
I dont know--all I can do is work on this and pray for the guidence I need.
Thanks for listening.
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Annie, when we stop using, we are faced with learning a new way of life yes?
And that includes everything.
Dealing with everything while staying clean.
And if you're like me, after a bit of sober time, POOF! All at once it seems, emotions that we used to overlook hit us square in the heart. We have to do battle with emotions from the distant past as well as the not so distant past. All the while maintaining a focus on the present, where we choose to live now.
Big work.
But it gets better. That's what we are promised.
It's not an easy program. It's a simple program.
We try not to get overwhelmed. We focus on what we are grateful about, on what we have managed to salvage that is good about ourselves. And with that, we start building the foundation for our new life, free from active addiction, and preparing ourselves to right whatever wrongs that we can, in a safe and dignified manner. And all this takes time, as you know. Time is our worst mental enemy, as well as our greatest friend. And finding the balance, instead of juggling it, will see us overcome our hard days every single time.
As long as we stay sober, we're right where we're supposed to be
And that includes everything.
Dealing with everything while staying clean.
And if you're like me, after a bit of sober time, POOF! All at once it seems, emotions that we used to overlook hit us square in the heart. We have to do battle with emotions from the distant past as well as the not so distant past. All the while maintaining a focus on the present, where we choose to live now.
Big work.
But it gets better. That's what we are promised.
It's not an easy program. It's a simple program.
We try not to get overwhelmed. We focus on what we are grateful about, on what we have managed to salvage that is good about ourselves. And with that, we start building the foundation for our new life, free from active addiction, and preparing ourselves to right whatever wrongs that we can, in a safe and dignified manner. And all this takes time, as you know. Time is our worst mental enemy, as well as our greatest friend. And finding the balance, instead of juggling it, will see us overcome our hard days every single time.
As long as we stay sober, we're right where we're supposed to be
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
I guess as a child I was ok, mine came as a teen. So:
As a teen I learned to pretend and hide - As an adult I am trying to be open but at times I still pretend and hide.
As a teen I felt unworthy of love and respect - As an adult I know I am worthy of love and respect.
As a teen I learned to lie - As an adult I am aware of this and still sometimes find it hard to be honest.
As a teen I felt ashamed of my father's behavior - As an adult I know it had nothing to do with me, he was sick.
As a teen I was always angry - As an adult it is getting better.
As a teen I could never forgive him - As an adult I am beginning to see the man in the disease.
As a teen I blamed my Mom for not leaving him - As an adult I see the situation she was in and we now have a good relationship.
As a teen I was always trying to please people - As an adult I make a point of doing something each day for myself.
As a teen I was always trying to prove myself - As an adult I feel I have nothing more to prove. I am me and I am proud of myself.
Gee writing this, I guess I still have a lot of work to do.
As a teen I learned to pretend and hide - As an adult I am trying to be open but at times I still pretend and hide.
As a teen I felt unworthy of love and respect - As an adult I know I am worthy of love and respect.
As a teen I learned to lie - As an adult I am aware of this and still sometimes find it hard to be honest.
As a teen I felt ashamed of my father's behavior - As an adult I know it had nothing to do with me, he was sick.
As a teen I was always angry - As an adult it is getting better.
As a teen I could never forgive him - As an adult I am beginning to see the man in the disease.
As a teen I blamed my Mom for not leaving him - As an adult I see the situation she was in and we now have a good relationship.
As a teen I was always trying to please people - As an adult I make a point of doing something each day for myself.
As a teen I was always trying to prove myself - As an adult I feel I have nothing more to prove. I am me and I am proud of myself.
Gee writing this, I guess I still have a lot of work to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by ChillGal
As a teen I was always trying to prove myself - As an adult I feel I have nothing more to prove. I am me and I am proud of myself.
Gee writing this, I guess I still have a lot of work to do.
Gee writing this, I guess I still have a lot of work to do.
"I am me and I am proud of myself"? That is wonderful.
Keep walking forward my friend.
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
(((((((((((((DAN)))))))))) Thank You!!!
And Chillgal--that was touching.
I know that dealing with the past is very difficult and you need to keep your perspective on TODAY when working a program. Its very easy to get overwhelmed. My heart hurts sometimes when I think of how I felt growing up, and how that incorporates into my life now. In time I know that I must come to terms with these feelings and deal with them. That will not be easy.
But I have a program today--I work it to the best of my ability-and have so much to be grateful for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And Chillgal--that was touching.
I know that dealing with the past is very difficult and you need to keep your perspective on TODAY when working a program. Its very easy to get overwhelmed. My heart hurts sometimes when I think of how I felt growing up, and how that incorporates into my life now. In time I know that I must come to terms with these feelings and deal with them. That will not be easy.
But I have a program today--I work it to the best of my ability-and have so much to be grateful for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
