BtheChange

The title of the Upworthy link to this TED Talk caught my attention:

"Ever Tell Yourself You're In Love With A Deeply Difficult Person Instead Of Facing The Truth?"

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave - YouTube

The talk is about domestic violence, the stages of abuse, and also about the many victims who are able go on to lead happy, healthy lives.

The descent into alcoholism often includes a descent into abuse and violence. The sooner we can see the patterns and stop the progress for ourselves and others, the better off we all are.

My story is very similar to Ms. Steiner's, down to the Ivy League education and meeting my wholesome-looking AH in NYC. After 10 years together, my AH began punching walls but he never hurt me physically, although had I stayed, it would have likely happened. Sometimes I think we outwardly successful women feel like we are so strong that we can "make it work," or "handle the tough days."

The bit of knowledge that caused me to finally leave was that it always gets worse. If you have abuse in your life now, it is statistically very, very likely to get worse until you make significant changes to your life. I realized that I was not enough to "make it work" and I should've never had to "handle the tough days" stemming from my husband's alcohol-induced behavior, as he was the one person in my life who should have given me the most comfort and joy.

Sometimes it takes a few times to hear that message before it really takes hold, so I thought I'd share this link and a bit of my story.

Peace to you all and Happy Thanksgiving,
B

suki44883

I think women are getting stronger, for the most part. Our parents and those that came before were of a time when a person stayed married no matter what. Thankfully, women have won enough legal and societal battles that most realize that we have the legal right to protect ourselves and leave an abusive situation.

Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, but I believe there are enough women who have overcome that situation to where they can be of significant help to those who are still struggling.

BtheChange

Yes, Suki44883, I am so thankful for the women and men who have gone before and created a legal and socio-economic framework that allows us to leave abusive spouses and rebuild a life for ourselves and children.

Still, even with knowledge and rights, it takes a very personal change of heart for the abused to finally leave. I think that sometimes, it takes a moment of grace in the same way an alcoholic, who is in a true recovery, will talk about coming to her recovery fully in a single moment, her "rock bottom."

suki44883

I agree with what you say, BtheChange. The phrase "women in general" does not encompass all women. There are still those who suffer and don't see any way out. Be it because of how they were raised or what, there are still those who need the help of strong women (many of whom didn't start out so strong) who have managed to overcome.

BtheChange

Yes, it can be very hard to see the way out for anyone. For me it was a process of maturing, and figuring out what I could compromise, and what I couldn't.

I liked the message at the end of the talk, that even though some of us got ourselves into a damaging situation, it doesn't mean we are "damaged goods." Like the speaker, we can go on to have a long relationship with a kind and gentle man, if that is something we want. It takes some healing first, but it is important to shake off the stigma surrounding domestic violence.

Today on Thanksgiving, I'm very thankful to you, Suki, and all the other strong and wise members of this forum!