blue violet

Hi, I'm new here and have been reading this forum for the past few days. So far it's offered some comfort just knowing others are going through similar things. I'm at the lowest I've ever been dealing with my boyfriend's addictions, and just feel so trapped and isolated. I don't even know what's he's addicted to anymore since he insists he's off all opiates but for months he's been trading one thing for another: Xanax, alcohol, klonopin, suboxone/subutex, weed, etc. all in an effort to manage withdrawal symptoms.

For a long time I thought he was sober until this past April he admitted to relapsing back in fall of 2012. Somehow he hid all this from me even though I felt something was wrong but I was in such denial. We don't live together so I guess I was just hoping his lack of energy and angry outbursts were stress related from not having a job. Turns out he was getting drugs by driving to get it for a friend and then splitting it with her.

I've started reading this forum and a book on codependency, as well as attending my first Al-Anon meeting this past week. I guess I was just tired of handing all my money, time and youth to someone who just lies to me constantly. I tell myself I give him money so he won't rob anyone or do something stupid, but it's clear I'm an enabler and scared to death he'll ruin his life with a criminal record. I hope I'm at a turning point because I'm finally getting too tired to even care much anymore. At this point I feel like I'll never be free of guilt or a toxic situation. I needed to get this off my chest.

overit263

you can never trust an addict. It's painful. Sounds like you're doing the right things for yourself. Unfortunately since you can't trust an addict, you're never going to know everything that's going on. Detach with love!

Stucco

I ask myself why I keep inviting chaos into my life.

Paige02186

Sorry for your pain and know that u are so lucky you don't live together. It makes matters much worse. I get a strong sense you'll be ok soon. Good move going to a meeting this week. Keep going

glitterdeva

Good thing you guys don't live together. Oh, it is HELL to live together like that. I have to look at my AH every day, trying to figure out - are pinned eyes because he is on dope or suboxone or what? Or did he go the the bathroom downstairs to use or poop? Or, is he going to the store or meet the dealer? I am going crazy, crazy, crazy. Sorry, anyway, I can totally understand

hopeful4

Im so sorry. I encourage you to stop the money train and let him have consequences. I read recently how if you protect the addict from all consequences and pain ypu are hurting their opportunity for recovery bc sometimes its ONLY the hurt, consequences, and pain they create for themselves thst can ever possibly motivate recovery. I suggest you do things to work on YOU. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!

blue violet

Thanks to all who have responded, I feel a lot less alone. I'm trying to draw my boundaries but it's very hard as he's a very stubborn person to begin with. I know I'm lucky we live apart and don't have kids, it's still just a nightmare since he feels entitled to just say he's coming by my work and waits outside so he can drive me to the ATM. I don't want to cause a scene at work so there I go. I have created a monster. I'm thinking a restraining order is the next step, but how would I get through the guilt of leaving him all alone (no siblings, no friends)? I know I probably sound like a real sucker but I both fear and feel sorry for him.

hopeful4

Ask yourself...why is it he has no friends? If he takes advantage of people like he is doing to you...no wonder! It's HIS choices that are getting him to where he is. If you need a restraining order...get one. Is your work the kind of place you can advise them what is going on? Some places would be very helpful in support of you. Others, not so much. Either way, if someone is in violation of a restraining order and you call the police a couple of times, you can bet he will learn not to keep trying it and won't stick around for long.

You are very lucky to live apart. Have your home be as secure as possible. If he has a key, change locks, etc. I ordered ADT security signs and window stickers on amazon for $27 including shipping. While I cannot afford a central alarm, no one else knows that I don't have one.

Do you think he feels sorry for you or worries about you?

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I hope you protect yourself and are able to stop being taken advantage of not only monetarily but emoationally. Go to meetings, counseling, any and all you are comfortable with and get YOU the help YOU deserve!

Keep posting, you are not alone!

Twofish

Hi BV, First I'd like to welcome you to the SR family, stick around, read the stickies at the top, also read the threads and posts that are written by people like you and me. The people who love addicts. I would advise you to start a plan, set up some boundries. Look into the no contact order. I did this against my two ADs this summer. This was difficult, but I got some of my sanity back, it's not for everyone but it did work in my case. Then, no more hand outs, you are just buying the illegal drugs for him to use, feeding his addiction. Taking care of you, this will be a priority. Eat something, keep hydrated and busy, and get that much needed rest! Obscessing turns into overwhelmingly days and nights of worry. Face to face support is the best! Counceling or meetings along with SR really helps. See, BV, you are not alone in this nightmare. I'm so happy you turned to SR, some of the true life stories are shocking, but, you will learn from them. Gentle hugs and tons of support are yours here with us. Take care, TF

Ann

You may not feel it, but you are already on your way to your own recovery. You are doing the "do" things to help yourself, you know that this has dragged you down and don't plan on staying there long, and you have exhausted yourself into sanity...all good from where I sit.

I'm glad you found us (and live meetings too) and hope you stick around and find even more support and helpful information here.

Welcome to SR.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

but how would I get through the guilt of leaving him all alone (no siblings, no friends)?

Turns out he was getting drugs by driving to get it for a friend and then splitting it with her.

oh hon, he is far from some 5 year old child you intentionally abandoned at the shopping mall. he is a full grown adult and evidently quite capable of getting what he wants. he has "friends" you just don't know about them. HE is in charge of HIS life. if he engages in criminal activity a CONSEQUENCE of that is getting arrested and doing jail time. if he chooses to do drugs, get them off the street, keep a steady supply going, then HE can suffer the consequences of those choices too.

you aren't helping. yes you are enabling (big time) but more importantly YOU are getting hurt in the process. wanna save someone?

SAVE YOU. do NOT give him one more cent of your hard earned money. say NO. if he causes a scene, oh well. leave by a different exit. notify security. quit answering the phone. change the locks on your home if he has a key. once he sees the $$ has dried up he'll go look elsewhere.

blue violet

Many thanks to everyone's encouragement and advice. I am trying to take everything to heart and summoning courage to do what is good for me finally.

blue violet

Oops double post.