Difference between detaching and denial?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Difference between detaching and denial?
Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here in quite a while but I am back seeking advice. Just to refresh any memories, my husband is a prescription pill addict to multiple pills. He uses a doctor that also illegally prescribes pills for cash ( he doesn't know I know this). We live together with our 2 year old son. I was offered a lot of great advice from many people who have commented on my posts and took advice from others posts. I was obsessing over how to fix my husband- constantly confronting him- causing fights etc.. I had insane anxiety over it all- to an un healthy measure. I was no longer sleeping, hardly eating, and feeling sick to my stomach every minute of every day. So i decided to stop worrying and obsessing.
I stopped asking him anything about his pills, I stopped snooping through his stuff and his phone, I stopped trying to catch him in lies. I started to focus on me and less on him. It felt good and my anxiety was getting better. I stayed off this forum because it made me think too much about addiction.
But somewhere in this process, I became in denial of how bad he really was. I started to believe things were ok- I guess bc I was feeling healthy again. I completely pushed it out of my head. That was until this past weekend- I found orange powder on the bathroom counter, and bloody Kleenex in the trash. He's snorting his suboxine ( something that I have suspected for awhile). I also saw the powder on one of his nostrils. It immediately made me sick again. In a weird way like I was finding out all over again that he was an addict. Then I was looking at him the same night, realizing how terrible he looked. Dark eyes, pale skin, skinny, tired. Hes looked like **** for years now.
It all just made me realize that my way of detaching had been denial of his problem. How do you detach from someone you live with without being in denial? I seriously hate how this makes me feel.
I haven't been on here in quite a while but I am back seeking advice. Just to refresh any memories, my husband is a prescription pill addict to multiple pills. He uses a doctor that also illegally prescribes pills for cash ( he doesn't know I know this). We live together with our 2 year old son. I was offered a lot of great advice from many people who have commented on my posts and took advice from others posts. I was obsessing over how to fix my husband- constantly confronting him- causing fights etc.. I had insane anxiety over it all- to an un healthy measure. I was no longer sleeping, hardly eating, and feeling sick to my stomach every minute of every day. So i decided to stop worrying and obsessing.
I stopped asking him anything about his pills, I stopped snooping through his stuff and his phone, I stopped trying to catch him in lies. I started to focus on me and less on him. It felt good and my anxiety was getting better. I stayed off this forum because it made me think too much about addiction.
But somewhere in this process, I became in denial of how bad he really was. I started to believe things were ok- I guess bc I was feeling healthy again. I completely pushed it out of my head. That was until this past weekend- I found orange powder on the bathroom counter, and bloody Kleenex in the trash. He's snorting his suboxine ( something that I have suspected for awhile). I also saw the powder on one of his nostrils. It immediately made me sick again. In a weird way like I was finding out all over again that he was an addict. Then I was looking at him the same night, realizing how terrible he looked. Dark eyes, pale skin, skinny, tired. Hes looked like **** for years now.
It all just made me realize that my way of detaching had been denial of his problem. How do you detach from someone you live with without being in denial? I seriously hate how this makes me feel.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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just me personally, i don't think i could detach while living with an active drug user. especially with a baby in the house!!! maybe it was more you just ignored the issue....i could see where that could lead to denial.
so now what are you going to do? he IS using. IN the home. and leaving drug residue within the reach of a two year old. he does look like hell. he is dealing with unfavorables. it is illegal.
assuming he won't quit just cuz you ask him to, what are YOUR plans? what are your boundaries? how can you protect your child?
so now what are you going to do? he IS using. IN the home. and leaving drug residue within the reach of a two year old. he does look like hell. he is dealing with unfavorables. it is illegal.
assuming he won't quit just cuz you ask him to, what are YOUR plans? what are your boundaries? how can you protect your child?
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Join Date: May 2010
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A couple of things. You have a baby in the house and I hope you never ever leave that baby with him alone. And I agree w/Anvil...he is leaving drug residue around the home where a baby lives. He is not to be trusted obviously. Document, document, document. Protect your child at all costs.
As far as detatching, for me I guess I am detatching with a plan. I am planning on leaving. While I am planning I choose not to fight and to detatch. I choose not to freak when my AH drinks. I choose not to ride the crazy train because you know what? Nothing changes except I feel crazy. Nope, not interested. I am not in denial that it is not happening. O no, I know it is. I am not in denial at all, just biding my time I guess you would say. And working on me.
Only you can decide what you are going to do and when you are going to do it. Have you turned in the doctor doing this? You can do so anonymously. It's disgusting what people will do for cash.
I understand about it all flooding back at once. A couple weeks ago I had a big internal flip out over all of it. I don't really even know why. A couple days of being on here, the counselor, friends, all brought me back to where I am now, back to working on me. I give it to God one day and seem to take it back sometimes, but that is getting to be less and less frequently. My children are 8 and 14 so they are a little older. You have to keep in mind you have a completely helpless baby in your home and make the best decisions based on what is best for the child.
Good Luck and God Bless! Keep posting, we will gently hold your hand each step of the way!
As far as detatching, for me I guess I am detatching with a plan. I am planning on leaving. While I am planning I choose not to fight and to detatch. I choose not to freak when my AH drinks. I choose not to ride the crazy train because you know what? Nothing changes except I feel crazy. Nope, not interested. I am not in denial that it is not happening. O no, I know it is. I am not in denial at all, just biding my time I guess you would say. And working on me.
Only you can decide what you are going to do and when you are going to do it. Have you turned in the doctor doing this? You can do so anonymously. It's disgusting what people will do for cash.
I understand about it all flooding back at once. A couple weeks ago I had a big internal flip out over all of it. I don't really even know why. A couple days of being on here, the counselor, friends, all brought me back to where I am now, back to working on me. I give it to God one day and seem to take it back sometimes, but that is getting to be less and less frequently. My children are 8 and 14 so they are a little older. You have to keep in mind you have a completely helpless baby in your home and make the best decisions based on what is best for the child.
Good Luck and God Bless! Keep posting, we will gently hold your hand each step of the way!
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He doesnt get left alone with our son very often at all, if he is it's only briefly while I run up to the store. He's a functioning addict. Runs his own business which is successfully making money. Thats why it's easy for me to be in denial of his addiction at times. We even had a few good weekends recently where we were getting along great and enjoying each others company. He works insane hours- so he's not home much. Im home alone a lot- which is also why I've been able to push his addiction away from my mind.
It's hard for me to leave him, when I love him. It's hard also because my son adores his dad, my AH plays with him and cuddles him and does all sorts of fun daddy son stuff with him when he's home. I'm also a stay at home mom- so I financially rely on my husband. All of this makes it hard for me to leave. I'm sure I sound weak, but it's the truth for me. I have so much respect for those that have been able to leave someone they love so much- I don't know how to do it. So I was planning on working on me and not worrying about him- in that process somehow- i pushed the real issue aside ( he's an addict), and became in denial.
It's hard for me to leave him, when I love him. It's hard also because my son adores his dad, my AH plays with him and cuddles him and does all sorts of fun daddy son stuff with him when he's home. I'm also a stay at home mom- so I financially rely on my husband. All of this makes it hard for me to leave. I'm sure I sound weak, but it's the truth for me. I have so much respect for those that have been able to leave someone they love so much- I don't know how to do it. So I was planning on working on me and not worrying about him- in that process somehow- i pushed the real issue aside ( he's an addict), and became in denial.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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functioning isn't a TYPE of addict, it's a phase of addiction...where the addict can still maintain to some degree. that will not last. putting your financial future in his hands is a really poor plan. being financially dependent on someone who is snorting pills off the bathroom counter is a really poor plan. the pills will win out.
what are you going to do when he can't keep up on all those hours. when more and more of the money goes to keep his addiction well fed. or he gets busted. or starts to become irrational. or the baby DOES get a hold of some of daddy's candy.
you sure the finances are all that great? you've seen the tax returns and the bank statements? credit cards? you'd be surprised what you don't know and what he is keeping from you......
what are you going to do when he can't keep up on all those hours. when more and more of the money goes to keep his addiction well fed. or he gets busted. or starts to become irrational. or the baby DOES get a hold of some of daddy's candy.
you sure the finances are all that great? you've seen the tax returns and the bank statements? credit cards? you'd be surprised what you don't know and what he is keeping from you......
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O I don't see you as any less of a person! I do plan on leaving but have stuck in for 16 years if that is what you want to call it! I guess my alarm would be the drugs being left on surfaces. A child that young has everything in their mouths all the time. You do not want your child ingesting any drugs inadvertantly.
It's easy to get comfortable during the good times and push the bad times away. That being said, only you can decide when you have had enough. When you are ready you will find a way.
God Bless!
It's easy to get comfortable during the good times and push the bad times away. That being said, only you can decide when you have had enough. When you are ready you will find a way.
God Bless!
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I used to do all the financing for the business before I became a stay at home mom, I also have full access to the business account- so yes i know those finances are good. Our personal accounts are good, his credit cards- I don't know what those are looking like- and I hope they are good. I know he hides other things from me, he pushes a lot of cash around- I don't know where all that ends up- probably on his pills.
I think my first step is for me to tell him I'm not stupid, I know how bad he is. And my second step would be to tell someone in my family. I have kept this from them for Years. Ive hid it because I know what they will tell me to do, which is exactly what I don't want to hear.
I think my first step is for me to tell him I'm not stupid, I know how bad he is. And my second step would be to tell someone in my family. I have kept this from them for Years. Ive hid it because I know what they will tell me to do, which is exactly what I don't want to hear.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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There is a big difference between wanting to be with someone or needing to be.
I opened a secret safety deposit box. I kept just putting money in there because I never wanted to feel stuck again.
Trust me, what Anvil shares is the truth. We own our business and were very comfortable. His addiction progressed as I was in denial and pretty naive. When things started going down the tubes, I swear I could hear a sucking noise. It all happened so fast, like a tornado, I couldn't even think straight.
My advice is get financially prepared! Put money aside and never tell him.....not even during the "good times." Taking care of you and your baby has to be your number one priority.
Ps. I did eventually tell my husband about my safety deposit box. He has shocked and speechless but understood. I don't regret telling him but I am not sure I would recommend it.
I opened a secret safety deposit box. I kept just putting money in there because I never wanted to feel stuck again.
Trust me, what Anvil shares is the truth. We own our business and were very comfortable. His addiction progressed as I was in denial and pretty naive. When things started going down the tubes, I swear I could hear a sucking noise. It all happened so fast, like a tornado, I couldn't even think straight.
My advice is get financially prepared! Put money aside and never tell him.....not even during the "good times." Taking care of you and your baby has to be your number one priority.
Ps. I did eventually tell my husband about my safety deposit box. He has shocked and speechless but understood. I don't regret telling him but I am not sure I would recommend it.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
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It's only a matter of time. Make a plan now. I did the same thing, although I wasn't a stay at home parent, I was worried about finances. I work three jobs and only have one day off a week, and some times I don't even take one day off. It's worth it not to be with an addict. Like Anvil said, functioning doesn't stay functioning and it will all fall apart. An addict can't just stop, hence being an addict. Wouldn't your son love to have a clean dad even more than a fun dad?
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Your not weak because you stay with your husband especially if you love him. No one here knows the whole of your life. My husband is home after rehab from a relapse that almost cost him his life. I dont suggest you ignore his addiction someday it might get worse. Has he ever had any help ? The doctor at my husbands rehab said some people can use same amounts for years without much trouble in their lives, but other peoples use will zoom up and up and that is what happened to my husband. It was all within a couple months snorting coke and then shooting it up. I never saw traces of coke in our home and I sort of wonder if a big time addict would spill very much of their drug and walk away from it but I don’t know. I think you should tell family and together all of you should get some help to push him into treatment of some kind. My husband didn’t just start using coke again on its own, there were a lot of emotional factors involved. He had to work on that more than anything else because it is what will keep him from going back to using. I was reading your post and wondering if he talks about his feelings with you? It sounds like he works a lot, worries about work. It all sounds familiar with what happened to my husband because he has a job with a lot of pressure and stress. I don’t think the snooping will help you at all because it doesn’t do anything but heighten your emotions and keep you on guard and its not a very good way to live. Be honest that you know, tell him he left residue your child could have ate, don’t make him feel ashamed he has a problem, let him know you are there to support him making the choice to get help but as I understand denial is a big part of addiction and that’s why I suggested getting the family or friends involved. It makes it harder for a person to deny when everyone is working together. I don’t know what I would have done without his parents, mine, and a ton of great friends who helped us both. More than anything know you have choices and they must be your own.
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The problem with giving or receiving advice on here (which I am glad most don't do) is that of course we don't know your whole family dynamics. Often times, calling patents can really backfire. Please think out your situation before making any decisions.
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I've been in that position of denial. My bf was addicted to pills. He was successful--working hard and taking care of his parents. He was successful financially. He ended up losing most of his money--due to the pills. He went through several jobs. I remained in denial until it got so bad that I faced what was happening. I would suggest that you find a counselor or somebody you can be open with. It may help to keep a journal and write down the reality of what you see. Acceptance of reality is an important step for your physical and emotional health.
It is important for you to start building a foundation so that you aren't dependent on him financially. As LMN said, it would be good to save in a secret account. When the stuff hits the fan, it tends to do so really quickly, so it's good to have a back up plan. I think somen should always have back up plans, because you never know what can happen.
I'm very concerned about the safety of your child. Toddlers put everything in their mouths.
It is important for you to start building a foundation so that you aren't dependent on him financially. As LMN said, it would be good to save in a secret account. When the stuff hits the fan, it tends to do so really quickly, so it's good to have a back up plan. I think somen should always have back up plans, because you never know what can happen.
I'm very concerned about the safety of your child. Toddlers put everything in their mouths.
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Lovemenow-thanks for the advice on the safety deposit box. It would be hard for me to hide any money from him though. Also his parents know about his problem, they won't say a word to him and they arent very helpful to me. His mom does ask me how I'm doing, but she also doesn't really like to hear the truth of her son, it bothers her to know how bad it really is. My family is honestly an amazing family- I know that if I needed to leave I could turn to my parents or my sisters for help- they would do anything to help me. I have not told anyone in my family yet bc I know how upset they will be. Part of it for me is them thinking I'm stupid for staying this long, part of it is them thinking so much less of him, and the other part is that I know they will push me to leave. I feel really stuck, but I know I'm only stuck because I choose to be. I'm also afraid that if I leave, he will get so much worse and OD- how will i live with myself then?
Bluechair- thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband is only home all day Sunday the rest of the week he's working, and home late most nights. He's very stressed at work- which is another reason why he uses more and more. From what I've learned an addict needs to be stress free in order to successfully get sober. He thinks he needs the drugs to continue to put in the hours at work, but in reality the drugs are hindering his ability to work. We dont talk any more about it. He used to confide in me, but now he hides it from me because over the years I expected him to do something about his addiction. Hear or there we can have a decent conversation about it, but that's it. He knows I'm here for him, I just reminded him recently that he can talk to me. His parents won't help me confront him- they are too afraid of upsetting him. I'm on my own with that. I am not ready to let go of hope for him. It helps me to hear other success stories.
Bluebell- I love your idea of the journal- I will do that.
Bluechair- thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband is only home all day Sunday the rest of the week he's working, and home late most nights. He's very stressed at work- which is another reason why he uses more and more. From what I've learned an addict needs to be stress free in order to successfully get sober. He thinks he needs the drugs to continue to put in the hours at work, but in reality the drugs are hindering his ability to work. We dont talk any more about it. He used to confide in me, but now he hides it from me because over the years I expected him to do something about his addiction. Hear or there we can have a decent conversation about it, but that's it. He knows I'm here for him, I just reminded him recently that he can talk to me. His parents won't help me confront him- they are too afraid of upsetting him. I'm on my own with that. I am not ready to let go of hope for him. It helps me to hear other success stories.
Bluebell- I love your idea of the journal- I will do that.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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MLJ, it sounds like the detaching you did gave you a new perspective on your husband. After turning your attention to yourself for a while and regaining some calm and sense of self for a while, you realized when you looked closely at your husband again that his addiction is having devastating consequences. Now you have to decide what to do with that realization. It doesn't sound to me like you're trapped. It sounds like your family would help. Only you can decide where you want to go from here, but it sounds to me like you do have options. Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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So sorry that you are having this issue..but glad you posted.
I hear that your worse fear is your husband ODing.
That is my worse fear also for my children and husband.
One of the things that I tell myself is....there is nothing that I can do. Whether I am in their presence or not. They are living their life the way they see fit. My kids use whether they are under my roof, with friend, alone, or living away from home. There is no way that I can prevent this unless they are handcuffed to a pole!
I hear that your worse fear is your husband ODing.
That is my worse fear also for my children and husband.
One of the things that I tell myself is....there is nothing that I can do. Whether I am in their presence or not. They are living their life the way they see fit. My kids use whether they are under my roof, with friend, alone, or living away from home. There is no way that I can prevent this unless they are handcuffed to a pole!
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