How do I help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 1
How do I help?
How do you help someone who is clearly screaming for help, yet in denial? I've had to see my younger brother throw his life away and get sucked in into a life of pity and self-destruction. For everything that has gone wrong in his life, he finds someone to blame, a reason for his addiction. He started with marijuana, then alcohol, to meth, and now heroin! He is no longer the person I grew up with, there is no life in his eyes, no joy in his life, he has let this addiction control his whole life and found a way to blame everyone but himself. He lost his wife, his boys, he lost respect for his family - my parents, my sisters - he has become an extremely violent and aggressive person. Everyone is afraid to even approach him. As soon as someone tries to talk to him he reacts violently, starts screaming, yelling, and insulting people. Makes threats to hurt himself, makes threats to have his buddies burn the house. It kills me to see what has become of him because I know that deep down, my brother is still there. He is more than addict, only if I could get him to see it. My relationship with him is limited, I haven't had a real conversation with him in years. Yet, I am his to go person whenever he is down. I am the one he calls or texts in the middle of the night when either he is high, drunk, or who knows but he opens himself to me. I don't give in to his pleads, I don't offer to take him in, or give him money. I listen, I reply, I try to help him see the good in him, the good in his life, that only HE has the power to change his life and that only HE is responsible for where he is in life, for his misery.
I am still hopeful that one day he will open his eyes and seek change. Yet, the one thing that hurts me the most out of all this is seeing how he is dragging my parents down with him. They are slowly dying with him. They have never followed through with a consequence, my dad cant see how he enables his addiction. He feels hes protecting him by letting him step all over them, giving him a roof over his head, food to eat, money, etc. I know I cant change who my brother is, or make him want to change, but how do I help my parents see that what they are doing is wrong? I know it must be hard as a parent to see your child go through an addiction and naturally want to help. You naturally want to believe that your child is safer in your home than on the streets. But he is not the only child, there are more to live for. He has stepped all over them, disrespected them every way possible. They cant keep closing their eyes and pretending everything is ok. Each day that passes, my brother gets worse. He is more violent, more aggressive, more disrespectful. He has a warrant for his arrest...but I don't know that going to jail is really going to help him. I havent given up on my brother, not completely, I will always have hope that he will one day open his eyes and seek change. But I will not stand next to him and watch him self-destruct and enable his addiction. I just can't sit and watch my parents go down with him either. How do I help them?
I am still hopeful that one day he will open his eyes and seek change. Yet, the one thing that hurts me the most out of all this is seeing how he is dragging my parents down with him. They are slowly dying with him. They have never followed through with a consequence, my dad cant see how he enables his addiction. He feels hes protecting him by letting him step all over them, giving him a roof over his head, food to eat, money, etc. I know I cant change who my brother is, or make him want to change, but how do I help my parents see that what they are doing is wrong? I know it must be hard as a parent to see your child go through an addiction and naturally want to help. You naturally want to believe that your child is safer in your home than on the streets. But he is not the only child, there are more to live for. He has stepped all over them, disrespected them every way possible. They cant keep closing their eyes and pretending everything is ok. Each day that passes, my brother gets worse. He is more violent, more aggressive, more disrespectful. He has a warrant for his arrest...but I don't know that going to jail is really going to help him. I havent given up on my brother, not completely, I will always have hope that he will one day open his eyes and seek change. But I will not stand next to him and watch him self-destruct and enable his addiction. I just can't sit and watch my parents go down with him either. How do I help them?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
If he's getting more and more violent and unruly in the home, maybe call in his location to the police and have them come pick him up on the warrant. It could be anonymous.
It might not help HIM to be in jail, but it might help your parents. If they don't bail him out, they could have a few days of peace and quiet, and time to realize that having him NOT come back home is in their best interest.
One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my daughter (who was in jail for the umpteenth time and about to get out) that she couldn't come home when she asked. It was heart-wrenching to me. Made me physically ill...but we knew that having drug dealers in the driveway, needles in her room, drugs in our house, sleeping with one eye open, and basically babysitting a 30 year old, was not helping our lives. Or hers.
As a parent, I know how hard it is not to enable. I'm struggling with it every day - because we are hard-wired to save our children from harm. And we see them as CHILDREN, no matter their age. Until they see that life can be better without the every-minute drama they won't change. They are as addicted to their addict as he is to his drug. It's a horrendous burden for parents. The grief of lost dreams for your child is so hard to live with. The fear that they will die is ever present.
Hopefully they will see that they are going down, too. Maybe at this point an intervention for THEM would help more than one for him. (As a mom of a meth-heroin addict, I''m trying to take my own advice.) It's very difficult. No one loves your children the way you do, except God. No one understands the pull they have on our heart strings. Be gentle with them - their hearts are shattered.
It might not help HIM to be in jail, but it might help your parents. If they don't bail him out, they could have a few days of peace and quiet, and time to realize that having him NOT come back home is in their best interest.
One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my daughter (who was in jail for the umpteenth time and about to get out) that she couldn't come home when she asked. It was heart-wrenching to me. Made me physically ill...but we knew that having drug dealers in the driveway, needles in her room, drugs in our house, sleeping with one eye open, and basically babysitting a 30 year old, was not helping our lives. Or hers.
As a parent, I know how hard it is not to enable. I'm struggling with it every day - because we are hard-wired to save our children from harm. And we see them as CHILDREN, no matter their age. Until they see that life can be better without the every-minute drama they won't change. They are as addicted to their addict as he is to his drug. It's a horrendous burden for parents. The grief of lost dreams for your child is so hard to live with. The fear that they will die is ever present.
Hopefully they will see that they are going down, too. Maybe at this point an intervention for THEM would help more than one for him. (As a mom of a meth-heroin addict, I''m trying to take my own advice.) It's very difficult. No one loves your children the way you do, except God. No one understands the pull they have on our heart strings. Be gentle with them - their hearts are shattered.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Welcome to SR helpmestopit.
Thank you for so elegantly explaining your situation. Believe me it is nothing new here, we all have similar stories. Pleas take some time to read the sticky notes above. Also read other posts, maybe even look back at some of the older ones. Take what works for your situation and just leave the rest. When we all share our experience, strength and hope we all can find some answers that work for our own situations.
Now for your first question. You don't, You can't, You are too close and love him too much to be of any help to him. He needs to want the help, seek the help himself. He must get help from a professional or another addict that has found recovery. The addicts wont do that till they hit their rock bottom.
As for the family and especially the parents. This is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I know I have 2 sons addicted. For generations the parents and grandparents have helped the family and the young adults get on their feet and make it on their own.
This is something that was needed in the old days. But they had never had to deal with the disease of addiction, This is something new for the past few generations. It may sound strange but we must learn that the opposite of what we think is the right way to handle it. Like flying a plane to go up you push the yoke down to land you must pull the yoke up.
We are all dealing with addiction in one form or another. But almost all the addicts that are in recovery have told me if only the family would stop enabling they would get clean sooner. We can't give advice but we can share our knowledge from that you can decide what will be best for your situation.
I have gained my most knowledge and experience in the rooms of Nar-Anon. From sharing and listing to others I have learned how to get my life back, my sanity and peace back. In doing so the addicts have learned to stop using me and find there own program to break the addiction and find recovery. Your State has a strong Nar-Anon following visit a meeting, go to 6 and see if it might help you. Then your family and your brother might follow your lead and see if it might help them.
Keep posting, keep reading on here.
Be well,
Thank you for so elegantly explaining your situation. Believe me it is nothing new here, we all have similar stories. Pleas take some time to read the sticky notes above. Also read other posts, maybe even look back at some of the older ones. Take what works for your situation and just leave the rest. When we all share our experience, strength and hope we all can find some answers that work for our own situations.
Now for your first question. You don't, You can't, You are too close and love him too much to be of any help to him. He needs to want the help, seek the help himself. He must get help from a professional or another addict that has found recovery. The addicts wont do that till they hit their rock bottom.
As for the family and especially the parents. This is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I know I have 2 sons addicted. For generations the parents and grandparents have helped the family and the young adults get on their feet and make it on their own.
This is something that was needed in the old days. But they had never had to deal with the disease of addiction, This is something new for the past few generations. It may sound strange but we must learn that the opposite of what we think is the right way to handle it. Like flying a plane to go up you push the yoke down to land you must pull the yoke up.
We are all dealing with addiction in one form or another. But almost all the addicts that are in recovery have told me if only the family would stop enabling they would get clean sooner. We can't give advice but we can share our knowledge from that you can decide what will be best for your situation.
I have gained my most knowledge and experience in the rooms of Nar-Anon. From sharing and listing to others I have learned how to get my life back, my sanity and peace back. In doing so the addicts have learned to stop using me and find there own program to break the addiction and find recovery. Your State has a strong Nar-Anon following visit a meeting, go to 6 and see if it might help you. Then your family and your brother might follow your lead and see if it might help them.
Keep posting, keep reading on here.
Be well,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 23
Your parents will go through stages and when they are ready to really see what is happening, they will. It took us 15 months to get here and now we are finally ok with life teaching the lessons, even when they are tough ones. Sure we have our moments where we melt down but they are less and less. None of you can make him fight to get his life back and that is sad. I am sorry for you and will add you to my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Thank you for posting. Your brother sounds like my son. My heart is broken and he is dragging me down with him, but I have said NO to him. It is still so difficult. But you are doing the right thing to listen but not take him in. That would not help. Thanks again for posting.
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