Dawnerzw

Today I came to the realization that just like SO needs help with his recovery, I need help dealing with his recovery too. I've been doing well with it the first week in. I've given him the space he needs, never question him about the multiple meetings he attends, and just let him focus on himself. And now I am realizing how much I focused on him all along. I never took the time to focus on myself. And now that he is keeping busy with meetings and whatnot, I'm left here. Alone. And all the sudden, here comes the flood of emotions! I've been researching on his 12 step process and just alcoholism in general. My last two relationships have been with alcoholics. The first one was abusive, verbally and physically. The second (and current relationship) was the opposite. It was rainbows and butterflies. He never once was abusive in any way shape or form towards me. But I sit here and think to myself, what is it about me that A)attracts alcoholics to me and B) I don't recognize or see it for what it is. My boyfriend has been pretty honest so far about recovery. Our line of communication is still very open in regards to the entire process. I told him tonight that I'm planning on starting Al Anon. He seemed almost relieved. I'm not sure why, but this time around I"m having a horrible time dealing with the alcoholism after the fact. I'm emotional, my anxiety is out of this world, I'm constantly worrying about him. My heart is heavy. And this is weighing heavily on me. I cannot concentrate on my college courses. I'm a single mother to a two year old, who has been asking me lately "Mommy, whats wrong? Why are you sad?". I have to do something for myself or I'm going to drive myself crazy. I don't really have anyone that I can confide in about this situation. My mother herself is a "functioning" alcoholic.

Someone please tell me that eventually I will be able to cope in a sane manner with this process. Because right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeless and down about it. The last thing I want to do is to abandon him because I know he needs all the support he can get from people around him who care.

MIRecovery

Alanon sounds like it may be of benefit and give you the support and understanding needed

Hammer

Once you see that there is a rather straight forward path it becomes a LOT less stressful.

The 12 Steps, are sort of like College Course work. A Catalog, if you will. There are textbooks to help, study groups (Alanon or Celebrate Recovery), tutors (we call them sponsors), and like college, it is sort of Self-Paced in that you can dive in quickly, or just pace it with your life.

You seem to have the personal insight to do the work, so just relax and enjoy the trip . . . inside and back out again. Like college, you will be better for the experience. And a better mom to your 2 year, as well.

Wonderful that he is in AA. With you in Alanon . . . . IF you BOTH work your OWN programs, you have an excellent prognosis of a Happy Outcome from what I have observed.

btw, Welcome Home.

Leana

I understand completely. I spent the last few years worrying myself sick about my addict daughter. Now that she is in recovery and busy with work and meetings, I looked around and realized I was alone. I stopped calling my friends, going out with my husband, or doing anything meaningful with my life. I worked and worried.

Telling someone with our nurturing nature that they all of a sudden aren't needed anymore often causes more stress that when they were using. I had to make a change. I started by calling a friend to meet for coffee, then made date night with my husband each week, rescued 2 dogs, and volunteer with hospice. I am starting to get a life which helps me keep my mind away from worrying about her possible relapse.

Yancy

I am in a similar state of mind. My wife, and adult son and daughter have all been in recovery for almost two years. Before that it was five years of raging addiction. Most of my time was spent worrying, isolating, getting them out of jail, paying fines, attorneys, etc... When they all got sober I was happy, but looking back I find I'm still isolated. Most of my time is spent alone. I'm not very intimate with anyone in my family. There's not one friend I spend any significant time with. Resentments and doubts began to surface. There is a great distance between me and my loved ones. I'm trying to learn to close that distance, one day at a time. I'm asking them to be patient and understanding. I have a long way to go, but I'm confident I will get there.

meggem

I'm there too. It hit me like a truck early October when my RA and I had our grand finale and that Monday he went to rehab willingly. Here I was, and am, alone with 2 kids and the whole daily production left with a disastrous emotional state ranging from pure anger to sadness to resentment to hope to anxiety and everything in between. Realizing I had poured everything into him over the years and never dealt with my own issues. Now I am here alot on these boards.. Go to alanon, it will help..

Dawnerzw

Its comforting I'm not feeling alone in this situation. I'm struggling really hard with going from seeing my bf everyday to now going on a week. I feel so isolated and distanced from him. We engage in small talk via text throughout the day but that's about it. And now I'm thinking okay, am I going to be able to handle being with someone who will now have a life long struggle of remaining sober. I find myself sick to my stomach thinking about it all. I just feel helpless and useless to him. I guess I'm not understanding as much as I thought I did. I'm frustrated, sad, depressed, angry, lonely, just full of emotions. And its obviously wearing on my body as I had multiple patients at my job today asking me what's wrong and why I'm not my normal happy self. And all I could do was excuse myself and take off to the breakroom crying. I've always been good at keeping myself together and being a positive person. But I can't seem to find the strength in me this time.

honeypig

All this sounds pretty normal to me.

To break it down a little: You don't HAVE to think about being with someone who will have a lifelong struggle remaining sober. He is likely being told to take it one day at a time. You should do the same.

You feel helpless and useless to him? What exactly would you do to help him or be of use to him? You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. The person you CAN be helpful to and useful for is the one you see when you look in the mirror. Sounds to me like SHE could sure use a hand right about now!

You've been advised to get to Alanon. That's good advice. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.org/ A lot of folks here have found support, education and just a lot of great examples of how to live your life better. Alanon will take the focus off of HIM and put it where it belongs, on YOU. Give it a try--if you live in or near a city of any size, I'd bet you can find a meeting today.

Welcome to SR. Read here, don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, and get to Alanon--you'll start to see your way clear as you do these things.

Edited to add: Your thread title is almost exactly the words I said when my A asked me where I was going as I raced out the door to my first Alanon meeting in a tearful mess. I'm different now, and better, altho far from perfect w/a long way to go.

dandylion

Honey, he has support for his recovery. It is actually YOU that needs all the help and support of people around you that you can get.

I just want to add---If you should decide that living with alcoholism (recovered or not) is not what you want (deep down) THAT is o.k. If the truth is known--it is too much for most people. Some make it (when both are working a strong program)---but a huge number don't. Love, alone, is not enough.

I"m just saying......that is the reality....

dandylion

Dawnerzw

I agree, love alone isn't going to keep us together. I love him dearly, but I feel like I need to be selfish sometimes too. I know the AA program is a very selfish one. And I understand why. But I also don't feel that it's fair to me to be sitting on a back burner waiting for him to be able to speak to me or find the time to.

Honeypig, I encourage him daily during our texting converstations (yeah, not only have I not seen him, but haven't even heard his voice in the last week), I also remind him that I am here too. That I'm here to listen to him vent and just be there in any way he needs me to be. And right now, he makes me feel like he doesn't need me. He acts like he doesn't want to spend time with me at all. He claims its just being around people period that seems to be a trigger for him. I brought to his attention that he cannot spend an hour or two with his girlfriend, who doesn't drink, and who has been nothing but supportive, but he was able to attend a dinner for a co-worker who is leaving in which everyone was drinking. How is that fair?! WTF is it about me that he doesn't want to be around me? It hurts, and it makes me angry as hell when I think about it. I can't be there for someone who doesn't want me there. And I cannot continue feeling this way. It's not fair to me. All I've done is encourage him, remind him everyday he is sober is another step forward, UGH! I just don't understand it. And I'm to the point where I really just want to meet up with him, let all this out and lay it on the table for him, and then walk away. I don't think it's fair for him to say i'm a trigger when I don't drink, I don't do the drama ******** in a relationship, i'm very laid back. and when he told me he wanted to do AA, i was excited for him. That he wanted to take that step. I was in the hospital recently for heart palpitations (pretty sure stress and anxiety induced), and when he came to visit me, I couldn't help it. I straight out asked him if he thinks he will ever want to be around me and if I will be a part of his sober life. His answer? "I dunno". That hurt like a knife into my heart. What do I do? Wait around and be patient until he decides he wants me to be a part of his sober life? How is that fair to me? WHy should I be feeling like anything I say or do could be a trigger to him? Deep down, I think removing myself from the entire situation is going to be whats best for ME and my emotional being. I have a lot of issues from a previous 3 year relationship with an abusive alcoholic. So when someone makes me feel that useless and unwanted, it triggers an emotional turmoil for me.

I'm going to an al-anon meeting this coming Tuesday night. I actually have a coworker who is going through similar circumstances and so we are going to attend together. Something has to give. I've never been that person who is inverted and depressed and anxiety ridden. I'm just so frustrated and losing my patience and hope with the situation.

honeypig

OK, so part 1: It is painful to realize, but if he is truly working his recovery, he does NOT need you. His recovery is all about HIM. He needs to work on HIM. He cannot be part of a relationship while still trying to figure out who and what and where HE is. As an addict, he has NO CLUE about so many things sober people take for granted. The encouragement is a nice idea, but if he doesn't seem to care about it and all it's doing is make YOU feel bad, then may I gently suggest that maybe now is not the time for that?

Part 2: That answer sounds pretty darn honest to me. Yes, very hard for you to accept, very painful. I'm sorry you had to hear that. But in the long run, better than a lie that he can't make good on, isn't it? And in all fairness, I don't think anyone here has said that you SHOULD "be patient and wait for him to decide." The only decisions that should matter to you right now are your own. YOU get to choose what your life will be, not him.

Part 3: You have a lot of issues from a previous similar relationship. Unfortunately, expecting the most recent relationship to fix the problems from the prior one is a bad, bad idea, not to mention futile. Take it from someone who is looking back and seeing that this is exactly what she has done herself, time and time again. When we're unhealthy ourselves, we attract/seek out other unhealthy people and have unhealthy relationships with them. Sounds like maybe some digging into your own issues might be useful here.

It's an awful lot to be hit with, all at once, isn't it? And there is this overwhelming belief that we, the Alanon side of the equation, are the GOOD people, the RESPONSIBLE people, the ones who the A OWES things to, dammit! Man, it is hard when you realize that's not the way it is....

So very glad to hear you're going to Alanon--the sooner the better. In the meantime, the more you can read here (not missing the stickies at the top of the page), the better. Also, if you can get your hands on any Alanon literature before the meeting, you might find that helpful too.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Hammer

Ok. THAT part is very sensible.

As for the rest. It will pass. Really.

You get your ducks in a row, and come back in some months and look at all the rest and you will likely just laugh.

Enjoy Alanon. See you there.