jarp

My ah has come home after a bender, he's 'sloppy' drunk, is crying, saying he wants to die. Repeatedly. I asked him if he was saying he was thinking of killing himself and he wouldn't respond. Just says I want to die.

A long time ago he has a very half hearted suicide attempt (that I now think was an episode of self harm rather than suicide attempt as there was no chance what he did would kill him, but he refers to it as a suicide attempt and likes to show his scar).

How seriously do I take him? Or is this just something a's do? He's feeling very sorry for himself at the moment...

Quish16

My AH said it in the Spring constantly and for a few weeks ate very little and drank very very heavily. Could you get him to see the doctor? Alcoholics do tend to wallow in self pity......but they do have a high suicide risk I don't suppose you could get him to AA or to see a counsellor? I know it is very hard for you right now. Do you have any close mutual friends or family who you could discuss it with it? I personally would remove pills if you have any in the house but you cannot watch him 24/7 and at the end of the day even suicide is HIS choice.
Take care my AH sort of snapped out of it himself and then started eating and wanting to live so he could destroy my life, or so he said. He had decided his death would make it easy for me!!!!!!
The saddest thing is when he said he wanted to die, and I had to bite my tongue not to say 'I wish you would to!'. I didn't really mean it but when someone says it constantly it does tend to wear one down.

NWGRITS

My AM has said it a couple of times, but she wouldn't go through with it. She can't keep everyone pitted against each other and playing her games if she's dead. Your AH could be serious, so a call to the doc or 911 to do a care call are always options.

jarp

Thx, I got him to a gp a couple of weeks so who referred him to a psychiatrist. She did ask he if he was suicidal and he said no.....but at that appointment he also said he was drinking 'up to' two glasses of wine a day. More like 2 extra large dustbin sized glasses!

All his friends are telling them the same thing (whilst all being at a bare minimum extremely heavy drinkers themselves).... He needs to stop, get help, take responsibility etc and a lot are refusing to drink with him. He's had a friend offer to go to AA with him, but no won't go. He's refusing to do anything.

I'm starting my journey of learning to let go....but it's hard to know.....I don't want to not act (we have kids) bc I wrongly think its Part of detaching, but I don't want to play in to any attention seeking, pity wallowing drama either. I have a feeling he feels so bad he is now trying to create situations around him tha will justify his behaviour.

I've removed anything from the house he can harm himself with - that I can think of. I am leaving him alone though bc I refuse to hold the kids hostage to this, and they have activities, end of year concerts, parties etc etc that have been planned. I've told his friends, and will try to talk to him again tomorrow when he is less 'sloppy' and see if he has any plans at all, whether he wants to commit suicide (as opposed to die bc he just wants it to stop) etc.

So much trust has gone my first thought was.....nice try at manipulating me.....terrible hey? And quish I totally get why you thought what you did. In some horrible way it's true. I'm thinking of calling my country's version of 911 if he says it again so he can see that I take him seriously and take action rather tha buying into the drama.....

Thx everyone

choublak

If he wanted to kill himself, he'd have done it already.

GracieLou

This is not always the case. My brother took his own life. He wrote poems from 1982 to 1984. At first they were depressing and you could feel the pain. Then when we went to AA you could see him come out of that. His poems changed from desperation to hope. Sadly, they turned worse to not only desperation and hopelessness but they plainly said he wanted to die. He took his own life in 1984.

I was only 15 at the time. I never saw these poems until after he was dead. I took them out recently and read them again. Now at 44 I can feel what he must have been going through. I beat myself up and took others with me. If I had only known, did they know? Did they read these before and do nothing?

Some will say they want to die and will never do the deed but there are some that do. I no longer blame myself or others. It was his choice and he is the only person I can lay blame on and I have forgiven him.

If you call for help the worse case is he sits from a 72 hour hold. If you don't, then there is a much worse case scenario. I am not saying it will happen, I am saying it can happen.

csd

Not very, presonally, I heard it every 2nd week. But I do think mine was 80% attention and 20% mental issues.

Quish16

Good luck Jard. Alcoholics do tend to be 'in denial' about about the amount they drink, and maybe your doctor is aware of this? I do know in the UK we have patient confidentiality so it may be hard for you to let doctor know amount?
My AH says he is down o 400ml vodka a day - 16 units till but there are 9 litres of vodka in the re cycling so unless cats are secret drinkers (LOL) he must be on 600ml even wit my dreadful maths that is 24 units a day -maximum in UK as to what a male should drink in a week.
I am glad some of his friends are refusing to drink with him - maybe jut maybe the message will get through to him. It does show they care and are aware he has a problem.
I notice you are new so do keep posting - it has been a life saver for me! Do take care of those kids, and most importantly yourself!
Helenax

Quish16

I am so sorry to read about your brother GracieLou - I didn't mean to sound uncaring. Obviously, people who threaten suicide are in a lot of distress and yes, a minority do carry it through.
We have different laws in the UK but if I had called 999 for my husband when he wasn't eating and saying he intended to die, it would have been his word against mine. I don't know if they would have sectioned him if they thought he had mental capacity. I said I would tell them about the vodka bottles but he said he would say they were mine! I know blood tests would have shown that wsn't true. But is sectioning the answer? What happens after the 48/72 hours when they come out? They have to want help.
My heart goes out to Jard - she is in a no win situation. Actually, I think most long term alcoholics are already killing themselves by continuing to drink at harmful levels. It is just a slow death not just for them but those of us who love them.
Once again, I am sorry and hope my posting didn't cause you distress.

Lulu39

That's so very thoughtful, I mean codie of you.

And I'm saying this in the nicest possible way, because there is nothing you can do to stop him doing what he wants to do. You don't have that power.

If he wants to drink - he's gonna.
If he wants to take drugs - he's gonna.
If he wants to pee on the floor, poop in the sink, dance in the street naked or kill himself - he's gonna.

I live in a house and if I wanted to, even in a house with all the pills and all the knives and all the ropes and all the cars and all the chemicals and all the other dangerous looking stuff gone, I could still kill myself in a myriad of ways that you would never think of.

I'm not going to, and neither may your A, just saying that if he's gonna then he will. And there's really no-one who can stop him.

Call the cops if you really think he is going to try. Although, in my extensive marital experience with a drunk, my XAH's suicide attempts were always just "attempts". He called the paramedics (and his Mommy to say goodbye) when I was asleep. He left the rope etc there for dramatic effect.

I think he liked seeing my WTF face when I saw the rope with the cops present.

I think he thought my WTF face gave him a little bit of power over me. It did, for a time.

Now I can spell manipulated. That's what I was and a limpet codie to boot.

Don't turn into what I was.

GracieLou

Not at all. I agree. If the person really wants help then they need to get help. I also agree that many die a slow death. It is still up to the person to reach out.

I was just pointing out that not all cries for help are false or attention seeking manipulations.

As far as I know my brother never said out loud he wanted to die or at least I never heard it. It was said out loud on paper though. I just never saw it until after the fact. Maybe that was his way of reaching out, I don't know.

I guess I would rather be wrong and deal with it then do nothing and regret it later. I blamed many people, that they did nothing, myself included. It took me 29 years to find peace with it. It is not a burden I wish on anyone.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry, Gracie Lou. People who are suicidal can take their lives at any time (drunks or not), and their friends and loved ones usually have no idea they were feeling that way. My best friend's mom was an alcoholic and took her life when my friend was 15. Her Mom had been on the phone with her brother that night saying she was going to do it and he just assumed it was her drunken rambling again. He has always lived with the guilt of her death since then. So very sad.

Big hugs to you and your family. xoxo

Hopeworks

I joke around a lot on the board but this is serious.

If your A says they want to die then pick up the phone and call 911 and report it.

This is a wise boundary. This is not normal behavior and it is either manipulating or a serious red flag and cry for help.

You are not God nor are you a professional equipped to try to answer that question. We cannot answer that question.

He will be evaluated and treated and released. He will either deal with his issues or not.

But if he knows that if he threatens suicide or talks about dying he will get a few days in the mental hospital he will take care with his words.

This removes a burden from you. The last thing you need is for him to actually harm himself and rack you with guilt.

Think about it. Never take a suicide threat lightly... even if it subtle or veiled.

Pamel

Good advice from the posters, especially Hopeworks, above.

Very often, I think, drinking IS committing suicide, the chicken's way out. At least it was for me. And of course the more I "tried" to commit suicide (by drinking) the more I actually believed I wanted that. However, I could have ended it quickly: drowning? Too cold and I don't like to get wet. Guns? too much work and to messy. Hanging? again too much work and it might hurt. …and so on. Let's have another drink. Poor me I just want to die.

Fortunately I have snapped out of that awful cycle, and with sobriety, all thoughts of killing myself have ended.

Of course people do act on suicide, but of all the many people I have known who did it, only one was an alcoholic, and he was brought to it by cancer.

In short, I think the 911 call is an excellent idea. He may chose to get help after that.

XXXXXXXXXX

For my XABF this was the ultimate form of manipulation. He was much to narcissistic to ever kill himself, but he knew this card got him attention plus whatever he wanted.

choublak

This.

My father loved playing the suicide card. Then one evening when my parents were living apart, but still married, my dad drove over to my mom's house and was saying he was going to drive his car off a cliff (geographically impossible since there are no cliffs in the area) or into a tree. He left, my mom called the police and told them about the suicide threats, he was taken to a hospital and kept under suicide watch for 24 hours. Oh and he never let my mom hear the end of it: "I can't believe you told them I threatened suicide, I wasn't serious, you should have known that duh" and so on.

So, I may come off as callous when it comes to people saying they want to die, kill themselves, etc. My apologies.

By all means call the police. Better safe than sorry.

Quish16

I can relate to everything to what you are saying Choublak. I know if I had called the emergency services when AH stopped eating he would never have let me live it down, and it would have been my word against his. I agree that threatening suicide is manipulative and a way of 'control' but I still feel that the person is in a lot of pain. Just a shame that they make their loves ones share with it and agonize over what is the right thing to do!

hopeful4

I would tell him today that if he says it again he needs to be prepared that you will call 911 or whatever the appropriate authorities are. I say this because how do you know? Is it manipulation or is it true? I would tell him you consider it serious business, you are not a psychiatrist so if he is saying this he needs to be prepared you will get him to a person who is a psychiatrist via 911. This way he knows if he is going to say it you are going to follow through with getting him help. If it is manipulation maybe that will help stem that behavior.

I agree with not letting it hold you and your kids hostage. There was a time I would not go do things out of FEAR but you know what, he is going to do whatever he does if I am there or not. I am not a babysitter, he is not a child. I now go out and do stuff with my family and friends on a regular basis. Being the partner of an addict can be lonley and that is one thing I won't tolerate anymore. I am definitely not alone nor are you!

Hope you are getting some support for YOU!

((Hugs))

Johnston

Patently false statement.

hopeful4

Redhead Susie just used the term ASSHAT in her thread. I believe this would be a perfect definition. I am so sorry you went through all of that for you and your mom! Good for her for calling the police.