forworse

My AW is at it again but trying to go back to opiates too. I have decided its in my best interests to finally call it quits. She is reckless and very active after 2 baker acts followed by two rehabs. I have to insulate myself financially and mentally from her poor decisions. She let strangers(were they blasted too?) drive her car on her last bender while overdrawing her account to buy booze and pay for the hotel. We have been married for a year and a half and no kids. I am taking the emotion out of this decision and just using logic. My only regret so far is not doing this sooner so I could really start healing. I have always believed in one wedding but I don't see any reasonable alternative here to divorce. I am thankful for the knowledge I have gained but am tired of reading about alcoholism, drugs, how everyone is affected, etc. I want to read about normie things again! I don't want a partner that refuses to change for her betterment or one that believes its ok to sit on the couch drinking and drugging all day while i pay for everything around her. If you find yourself in a relationship like mine my advice would be run. I know we don't give advice like that but its more of an opinion on my situation than something for you to consider in yours. I wish everyone here the best and hope your journey to peace will have less bumps in it than mine.

AnvilheadII

i'm sorry it came to this but am also encouraged that you seem VERY clear on what you want, what you need and what you are going to do.

forworse

Thank you. I met with my counselor last night, a rep from a program locally that helps connect people with services and am scheduling a legal consult tomorrow. I am willing to help her afterwards and still care about her but now its time to start caring about me.

marie1960

If there is a silver lining in this sad, sad story, it has to be that you can walk away and rebuild your life.

Everything for a reason, my friend, I believe you have your head screwed on tight, and going forward ,good things are on the horizon for you.

hang in there, it's going to get easier.

Ruby2

Sounds like you are making a decision that is comfortable and sound for yourself. It is heartbreaking that your wife is making such poor choices but the addiction speaks louder than anything and you need to take care of yourself.

My husband let someone drive my car while he was blotto. Guy had a revoked drivers license so my car ended up impounded. Cost me over eight hundred dollars to get it out. Husband's response? Oops. Read the thread about what normies don't know if you waver.

DMC

I was pretty much in your shoes... but it took me 10 years to get to that point. Good luck.

wanttobehealthy

Good for you! You can care all you want for her but you can do it from afar while caring for yourself. You figured that out and it seems much much sooner than I did!

Best of luck to you!

Recovering2

Be grateful you guys didn't get pregnant, and still have a chance for a clean healthy break. Take good care of you.

Upsetnneedhelp

To answer your question, yes those strangers were "blasted" also. Your wife is living a very dangerous life style to be drinking & hanging around strangers partying it up at motels.

forworse

Thanks all! She was sober this morning and professing her love and how much she doesn't want to keep doing this and doesn't want me to leave her...found her passed out in the garage when I returned from work yesterday and several beer spills in the house I cleaned up before I left(I leave nowadays so she can pass out and I don't have to hear the quackmaster). So the past week of getting drunk, chasing pills and not going to job interviews is forgiven not to mention the last couple years of hell? Um no. At least she admitted how she got beer with no money. She took groceries back to the store and traded them for beer! Damn the alkie is resourceful! She lost her phone and her keys when she was drinking. I am pretty sure she won't find her keys for a while and will have to use the house phone to make calls.

Hammer

Yeah. Run. NOW.


(why are you still reading this? RUN. NOW.)


The path you are describing likely gets worse ahead.

forworse

Thanks Hammer. You were the one here that got me to read 'I hate you don't leave me' What an eye opener. The more I describe her behavior to the pros the more of them bring up personality disorder and I can have an educated conversation with them about it.

Never know whose life you will touch in an anonymous setting...much appreciated.

wanttobehealthy

Your post made me think of something I was told back when I was hopeful many of xAHs issues were bc of BPD (a therapist suggested he for the criteria for that as well as NPD) after seeing us both for "marriage therapy" for a short time...

She said that active addiction can both mirror and mask personality disorders. And she said its impossible to treat a personality disorder and do any real sort of DBT therapy when there is active addiction since the addiction gets in the way.

So it could be that your gf isn't so much BPD as much as an addict or maybe she uses substances to self medicate the personality disorder. But it seems the foundation for help is that the addiction has to be treated first before any real psychological treatment can happen.

Not sure if this makes sense but something in what you said made me remember this and want to share

hopeful4

Good for you to take action before you life is damaged any further and before you would have any children with her.

You can do this and will be glad you did.

forworse

Thank you. You remember correctly. Its the chicken vs egg debate. When she was sober some of the traits of a borderline became more pronounced. When she is drinking other traits get more pronounced. Per the pros its difficult to diagnose and impossible to treat when the A is in their alcoholic fog.

atalose

I see such defeat in your post – Time to throw in the towel.

We codies often think some how WE are defeated when THEY won’t change.

We spend far too long in a battle with trying to CHANGE another person into what we wish them to be, what we may have had a glimpse of along our journey with them.

And when we don’t win that battle – we feel defeated.

When we begin to CHANGE OUR OWN THINKING to, I needed to leave a unhealthy situation and a unhealthy person…….that becomes empowering NOT defeated.

forworse

Good point about defeat. I am not sure if thats really how I feel though. I meant it more as I give up on the relationship because she isn't the partner I need or want. I have mixed emotions such as relief combined with disappointment. There is a good amount of resentment mixed with still caring for her knowing she is sick. Everyone that knows the situation has complimented my strength through it and my personal growth. I take some pride in that. I wasn't trying to change her but for a while I was trying to save her and would believe every time she said "this time its different and I want and deserve sobriety and happiness" Bottom line is I haven't gotten what I want out of our marriage and I deserve a partner that complements me and I want to spend time with not avoid.

BlueSkies1

Are you sure? Really sure? Because you won't have a good reason to hang out with us for the next decade, or 3 or 6 of them...
Really? Just like that? Return to normal land?
But...but...but we don't do that. We are co-dependent. We, umm...we...keep on with it, for many decades. You sure you don't want several decades of more of the same?
Back to normal people?
Wow!

And this folks, is what it looks like when somebody simply says I want what is good, what is healthy, what is a real future.
Huh.
Nope.
You don't belong here.
A drive by!
And so very glad for you, sincerely so...drive by, and on you go!
Odd looking, for most of us, isn't it?

forworse

. So funny! I'm sure I will be back. I'll have a lot more time you know. No more rides to meetings, avoiding my home with senseless errands, no more visits to doctors and rehab, etc. I figure I'm gonna have an extra twenty hours plus per week not to mention about a grand less a month in expenses!

forworse

Hi. Told ya I'd be back. Soon to be xaw was baker acted. As traumatizing as seeing someone you love try to kill themselves in your own house in your bath tub, its turning out to be the best thing that happened. Shes safe and out of the house and I think she's going to voluntarily seek treatment. Regardless, I feel so free today!