Warning Signs of an Abuser
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Warning Signs of an Abuser
Domestic Violence
Warning Signs of an Abuser
Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:
Charm
Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.
For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.
Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.
Isolation
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.
Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.
Emotional Abuse
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.
Control
Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.
The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:
He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
May 2007 © Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Warning Signs of an Abuser
Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:
Charm
Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.
For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.
Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.
Isolation
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.
Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.
Emotional Abuse
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.
Control
Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.
The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:
He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
May 2007 © Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
CHARM,
ISOLATION,
JEALOUSY,
EMOTIONAL ABUSE,
CONTROL.
Anvilhead prints wisdom here. To all those out there who recognize
too many of these........pack an emergency go bag and be prepared
(and READY!) to initiate emergency egress should rapidly deteriorating
events warrant.
It is not a game. Your life (and the lives dependent on you)...may depend
on your ability to think quickly, accurately & dispassionately should the need
arise.
ABOVE ALL: Don't freeze or think "this isn't happening to me".
Perceive. Recognize. Decide. Act. Evaluate.
ISOLATION,
JEALOUSY,
EMOTIONAL ABUSE,
CONTROL.
Anvilhead prints wisdom here. To all those out there who recognize
too many of these........pack an emergency go bag and be prepared
(and READY!) to initiate emergency egress should rapidly deteriorating
events warrant.
It is not a game. Your life (and the lives dependent on you)...may depend
on your ability to think quickly, accurately & dispassionately should the need
arise.
ABOVE ALL: Don't freeze or think "this isn't happening to me".
Perceive. Recognize. Decide. Act. Evaluate.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Just one additional comment to the excellent information above. The abuser will ALWAYS apologize, beg forgiveness, promise it won't happen again. Goes back into charming mode. This causes the victim to believe it won't happen again. But it will.
Realize that abuse gets progressively worse. And escalates when the victim tries to leave. Important NOT to announce you are leaving - just.go. Even without an emergency bag. Domestic Violence shelters will be able to help with anything you'll need.
Realize that abuse gets progressively worse. And escalates when the victim tries to leave. Important NOT to announce you are leaving - just.go. Even without an emergency bag. Domestic Violence shelters will be able to help with anything you'll need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is interesting and frightening....if you look up the traits of either an abuser, psychopath or narcissist, CHARM is the first listed. often the loved one will post here about how charming he was when they met, or how after a horrible fight, spat, break up, he will come back and turn on the charm. and how helpless they feel against it. when in fact they should be running for the hills!!!
the origin of the word comes from [Middle English charme, magic spell, from Old French, from Latin carmen, incantation; see kan- in Indo-European roots.]
v.tr.
1. To attract or delight greatly: the simple elegance of the meal charmed the guests.
2. To induce by using strong personal attractiveness: charmed the guard into admitting them without invitations.
3. To cast or seem to cast a spell on; bewitch.
the origin of the word comes from [Middle English charme, magic spell, from Old French, from Latin carmen, incantation; see kan- in Indo-European roots.]
v.tr.
1. To attract or delight greatly: the simple elegance of the meal charmed the guests.
2. To induce by using strong personal attractiveness: charmed the guard into admitting them without invitations.
3. To cast or seem to cast a spell on; bewitch.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thank you for sharing. My mom was in several abusive relationships. In each one, these warning signs were present. I've seen the pattern first hand. As she got more and more emotionally (and eventually) physically abused, her self-worth continued to drop. This would cause her to continue in the abusive relationship because she felt she deserved it. One of her abusers would repeatedly tell her that no one else would want her. I also saw the pattern many times of the abuser asking forgiveness, be charming again, but next time the abuse was worse. It always got worse. The jealousy is also very true. I think sometimes women get flattered by the jealousy, but it is a big red flag.
As someone who has seen abuse of a family member, I believe very much that this should be out in the open and talked about. Too many times, people ignore what is happening so that they, "Don't get involved."
As someone who has seen abuse of a family member, I believe very much that this should be out in the open and talked about. Too many times, people ignore what is happening so that they, "Don't get involved."
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I have always been mesmerized (charmed, if you prefer!) by how easily
people will willingly turn off their BS detectors if they are being flattered
(or charmed!).
Here's how it seems to unfold:
1.Low self esteem
2.Someone 'notices' them....a rare commodity in their experience.
3.Desperate to avoid losing the 'mating wars'...becomes VERY accommodating
with regards to looking past 'historic/deal breaker'' flaws (e.g. violent/felon/etc.)
4.The charm/violence cycle takes firm root and becomes VERY difficult to escape.
To take a very male point of view------the initiation of this abysmal situation is a
function of low self esteem. Much easier to diagnose than to remedy.
I talked a great deal about this with my daughter as she grew up. The best guys don't
NEED to 'pull charm'. They won at the game of life and the whole world knows it. When
someone opens up with the flattery/charm......it is a 100% solid indicator that you are
being CONNED (pardon the ex-con double entendre).
Think of it as the insult it truly is. Translate as: "I bring nothing to the table that
anyone would want.....only heartbreak and disappointment. But I am COUNTING on the
fact that you are stupid enough to look past the OBVIOUS FACTS if I butter you up with flattery."
......because that is what is truly being said. Words are easy. Performance is hard.
Self esteem is fuel. Fuel is options. With fuel you can point your nose WHERE you want
to go and GET THERE. Without fuel, you can EASILY get stuck in low orbit around one of
these 'winners'.......and get STUCK there.
There is nothing sadder than seeing an older lady in the presence of a younger
lady who is the victim of a 'charm' onslaught. She has seen this BS game played out a
million times and knows how it ends, even as she tries to force a smile and feign
neutrality to avoid conflict.
Charm is a deadly weapon, pointed at the recipient.
Respect and fear it as such, and DON'T fail to tell your daughters.
people will willingly turn off their BS detectors if they are being flattered
(or charmed!).
Here's how it seems to unfold:
1.Low self esteem
2.Someone 'notices' them....a rare commodity in their experience.
3.Desperate to avoid losing the 'mating wars'...becomes VERY accommodating
with regards to looking past 'historic/deal breaker'' flaws (e.g. violent/felon/etc.)
4.The charm/violence cycle takes firm root and becomes VERY difficult to escape.
To take a very male point of view------the initiation of this abysmal situation is a
function of low self esteem. Much easier to diagnose than to remedy.
I talked a great deal about this with my daughter as she grew up. The best guys don't
NEED to 'pull charm'. They won at the game of life and the whole world knows it. When
someone opens up with the flattery/charm......it is a 100% solid indicator that you are
being CONNED (pardon the ex-con double entendre).
Think of it as the insult it truly is. Translate as: "I bring nothing to the table that
anyone would want.....only heartbreak and disappointment. But I am COUNTING on the
fact that you are stupid enough to look past the OBVIOUS FACTS if I butter you up with flattery."
......because that is what is truly being said. Words are easy. Performance is hard.
Self esteem is fuel. Fuel is options. With fuel you can point your nose WHERE you want
to go and GET THERE. Without fuel, you can EASILY get stuck in low orbit around one of
these 'winners'.......and get STUCK there.
There is nothing sadder than seeing an older lady in the presence of a younger
lady who is the victim of a 'charm' onslaught. She has seen this BS game played out a
million times and knows how it ends, even as she tries to force a smile and feign
neutrality to avoid conflict.
Charm is a deadly weapon, pointed at the recipient.
Respect and fear it as such, and DON'T fail to tell your daughters.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Even though we talked w/ our daughter growing up, did all we knew to do, she fell under the "spell". Nothing we could say or do could we help her see this loser for what he was. The relationship eventually ran its abusive course and the light dawned that she deserves so much more. She was a lucky one. He was arrested, she obtained a PPO and left the area to go to college. He followed her and she and her lawyer contacted his lawyer threatening to put him in jail. That was the last of him. She is now (2 years later, and counseling under her belt) in a great relationship with a really nice guy! And having fun. Which is what you should do when you're 20. But as she tells me, her BS meter is well tuned and she doesn't put up with any crap from anyone. I know, she is a lucky one who was able to break free.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Good for her, Eve. Let ALL of us with daughters NEVER fail to tell them
about the reality of abuse.....show them the warning signs....(as Anvil has so
concisely provided).....so that they do not hesitate to yank that ejection handle!
We love our children. To comfort them at night we tell them there are no
monsters in the world. That's OK when they are little ----- but a GHASTLY
mistake when they are older.
There ARE monsters out there. No, not around every corner or in every bathroom stall
(don't be a fear addict)......but they do exist. Teach YOUR kids how to spot, avoid,
and if necessary ....confront them.
Good for you, Eve.....you are a good Mom! I guess this pathetic chump did not have
the stomach to be put in a cage by people with side arms.
For the life of me I cannot understand how incredibly powerful these chumps are with a
battered and crying female.....but lose their enthusiasm when the law shows up?
......oh......that's right............(cowardice)
about the reality of abuse.....show them the warning signs....(as Anvil has so
concisely provided).....so that they do not hesitate to yank that ejection handle!
We love our children. To comfort them at night we tell them there are no
monsters in the world. That's OK when they are little ----- but a GHASTLY
mistake when they are older.
There ARE monsters out there. No, not around every corner or in every bathroom stall
(don't be a fear addict)......but they do exist. Teach YOUR kids how to spot, avoid,
and if necessary ....confront them.
Good for you, Eve.....you are a good Mom! I guess this pathetic chump did not have
the stomach to be put in a cage by people with side arms.
For the life of me I cannot understand how incredibly powerful these chumps are with a
battered and crying female.....but lose their enthusiasm when the law shows up?
......oh......that's right............(cowardice)
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