Brincess

Since mutually ending my engagement with my ABF, I have been reading a lot on SR and my eyes are definitely opening and I'm realizing that I'm making the right decision and I can't survive in this emotional turmoil I've let my life turn into. I was still under the delusion that I could help him if I just said the right things, the most profound things. But nothing changes. His moving out is still pending a fee more weeks but we went to a family BBQ and of course my family has alcoholics so they were just too eager to offer him shots,mixed drinks, and beer. There's just no place that feels safe when you're out with an alcoholic. Everything revolves around alcohol or events with alcohol. I want more for my life. I want to have fun. Today I reached a different place in my feelings and thinking. I hope not getting depressed but I feel like I have accepted that he won't change and he loves alcohol more than anything or anyone. I can't believe how in such a short period I turned into a person I don't recognize. Anyways I feel like the life is sucked out of me

krhea75

Reading on the forum is good for the soul, but even better is going to an Al-Anon meeting! You are probably on a roller coaster of emotions, and the support of other members can be so helpful! Life will get better!

amy55

Brincess,

I felt like you did also. I felt like I had entered depression, but that the depression was one step up from having hope.

When I thought about it years later I realized it was not depression that I was feeling, it was acceptance. You see, the hope was gone, the adrenaline rush of trying to fix things was gone. I was at peace. I wasn't used to feeling peace, and I erroneously thought it was depression.

I think you are doing really good.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Brincess

Thank you amy55. I will try and be hopeful

Raider

Brincess, if this man is truly an alcoholic, it's not that he prefers drinking over you or anything else, he is powerless over it and he is sick. My opinion. Good luck Sweetie.

Brincess

Thank you Raider. It's less hurtful from that perspective

Brincess

So I'm trying to find al anon but mainly see AA. Is celebrating recovery the same? Just as good?

Hammer

afaik, There is not much bad to be found in the Land of Good.

My Father In Law and his wife did something like Celebrate Recovery with their church. It was before their church even started running formal C.R., which it does now. Helped them A LOT for dealing with Mrs. Hammer's crap that she pulled on them.

I do Alanon, but that is easy for me, as we have it available:

6 X a week only a 1/4 from our house.
7 X a week only 8 miles from our house.
and
12 X a week only 10 miles from our house.
and
4 X a week at a major customer site when I am working out of town.

So I would really HAVE to be serious stupid to be missing much Alanon, huh?

so. How do we help find Alanon or C.R. for you?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

Raider

I love celebrate recovery. It is still a twelve step program but it is supported by scruptures. Just try it, it may be a good fit for you.

Brincess

Hammer and raider thanks for the info. Hammer I tried the link you gave me but in my area only shows alateen and the others it doesn't say if they're aa or al anon? Does it matter?

Hammer

Dunno. Personally, I only deal specific with the Texas sub-linked website.

Texas being my major stomping grounds.

If you would like to PM me or someone you have trust in here on the board with your general location, maybe they or I can help you find the one(s) closest to you?

Brincess

There is a celebrate recovery in my area on Friday. Bi will give it a shot and see how it goes. Thanks for all your help and support

Brincess

We'll today my possible ABF moved out. Definitely had second thoughts after all he treated me so well. the thing that is puzzling me is that he left our thanksgiving dinner last night for a 30 minute errand to his friends house and was gone for two hours! He's done this twice before even when we were still engaged and not having problems. I asked him why he would treat me that way that it's inconsiderate and disrespectful and if the shoe was on the other foot he definitely would not tolerate it. He said he lost track of time. This is his friend he likes to drink with whenever he sees him. What do I conclude from all this? He downplays it and doesn't think it's a big deal.

Brincess

And I definitely do feel depressed or too stressed. Can't eat can't sleep. Can anyone relate?

jarp

From someone married to an A and having children with an A, in my opinion you have done the right thing by yourself. At the moment I know it really hurts I'm sure. Of course you might feel depressed and overly stressed. You've ended you engagement to a man you loved, and you'll be grieving what you had, what you thought you had, and what you wanted to have in the future.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel the sadness and grief.

On the disappearance act....does it really matter why he disappeared or what he was doing whist he disappeared? Even if you knew for sure he was off drinking does it change anything for you? Will it make things better?

take care and be proud of your strength.

Brincess

Thanks harp for your response. I guess I'm wondering if he ever loved me. How can he think that's ok? I guess I'm just big on respect and being considerate. I would never want him to worry about me cause I'm taking longer than I said and didn't call. Are alcoholic
Cs capable of truly loving? Is it this drinking buddy he gets with and then he has no control? I'm just trying to understand and make sense of his behavior

jarp

Its NOT Ok that he did that. Not at all. It's not reasonable and definitely not a respectful way of treating another person. I think you are right....he has no control. All that matters in that moment is the drink, and I know my AH starts his justification and denial of his behaviour the minute the wine glass hits his lips. I suspect that he even believes himself when he think "I' just have 1, and be 10 minutes late, that's no biggie". But no control.

My AH does the same disappearance thing. I get texts to say he'll be home in 10 mins from work, then he shows up 3 hours later (drunk). Last week he packed a bag to go away and "sort himself out" - tells me by txt - I txt back saying "OK let me know you are safe" and I hear NOTHING from him. Luckily his drinking buddies let me know where he was.

I don't know if A's are capable of truly loving - I'm new to this board and new to trying to address my own issues rather than being distracted by my AH's so I can be strong enough to ultimately leave. I only know my own AH and I suspect he is not capable of love as I would describe it.

Brincess

Jarp ok that helps a little. I rarely see him drunk. He just drinks when he gets home until he goes to bed or passes out on the couch. He mainly drinks beer and maybe a glass of wine as well. He's just the most kind and giving man otherwise. So difficult to understand and sort out how I feel.

jarp

its hard isn't it? Its like they have 2 personalities. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. And you ride the rollercoaster with the personality changes.

I don't know at all what your BF is like of course, but as my AH gets older I've noticed that the unkind personality is taking over, and the kind one seems to be disappearing as his disease progresses.

Brincess

I'm so sorry Jarp. I guess I can be thankful he left maybe doing me a favor? He said to me "you were so unhappy". And yes I was after I realized how alcohol was his life outside of work. But before that, so very happy. It's all so sad how alcohol destroys lives. I'm so thankful for SR. I was feeling so lonely earlier and stomach in knots. But helps to know I have no control. It's not in my hands. Best wishes to you jarp