Progress on top of Progress
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Progress on top of Progress
When I was down in my depths, at my absolute worst, I would take every single tiny bit of bait my AH would send my way. Every phone call degenerated into a screaming match if I suspected he had been drinking. Every insult, every passive aggressive comment...I grabbed hold of it and took it personally and let it destroy everything I loved about myself.
It was a huge breakthrough for me to stop engaging, even some of the time. It was HARD. For those of you struggling with it now, I know how hard it is. For awhile you have to fight against every single instinct you possess. Those instincts scream at you to defend yourself, to fight back, because you are being abused and your qualifier is lying to you and darn it YOU ARE RIGHT AND EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT. But you get a few detachment experiences under your belt, and you feel the peace that starts to come, and it gets easier. For me, I was able to start detaching and taking positive things away from avoiding the conflict. But for a long time it was hard for me to really let go of the obsessive worry about my AH. I was glad to have avoided a fight and an episode of emotional abuse, but I was still angry that he was drinking, worried about what he was doing, etc.
After my A-HA moment a few months ago, that last piece of the puzzle has fallen into place for me. An hour ago I called my AH, and he was obviously totally wasted. I made the conversation as short as possible. He was clearly ready for a fight, and was angry when I ended the call, but end the call I did. And I went about my business, and I have wasted virtually no energy worrying about him, or wondering what he is doing. Instead, I have been caring for our son, taking care of home chores, and just generally marveling at my recovery and how far I've come. This is an even bigger deal to me now, because it's coming off a stretch of 1-2 weeks when I've heard little evidence of drinking when we've talked. Historically, those were my worst times...the first time I would be shocked back to reality after a period of relative calm. Not tonight. Pleasant conversations in recent days were pleasant as I was having them, but they did not become a fantasy world in which everything was going to be fine forever and ever, destined to leave me crushed when the inevitable proof showed up that of course things are NOT fine.
I love him. I am sure that a part of me will always love him. I am in pain, because there is always pain with a broken heart, and a heart always breaks when love...I don't know what the word is. It isn't dying, really. Not for me anyway. When love fails. When loving someone brings you enough pain that you would rather live away from love than with it. I loved this man with all of my heart. Every bit of it. I took down a lot of emotional walls, and pushed all my chips to the center of the table to be with him. And I lost. But now, for the past few months, for the first time in several years, I can imagine a world where I allow my heart to heal and I help my children to heal. And THAT is a very powerful feeling.
It was a huge breakthrough for me to stop engaging, even some of the time. It was HARD. For those of you struggling with it now, I know how hard it is. For awhile you have to fight against every single instinct you possess. Those instincts scream at you to defend yourself, to fight back, because you are being abused and your qualifier is lying to you and darn it YOU ARE RIGHT AND EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT. But you get a few detachment experiences under your belt, and you feel the peace that starts to come, and it gets easier. For me, I was able to start detaching and taking positive things away from avoiding the conflict. But for a long time it was hard for me to really let go of the obsessive worry about my AH. I was glad to have avoided a fight and an episode of emotional abuse, but I was still angry that he was drinking, worried about what he was doing, etc.
After my A-HA moment a few months ago, that last piece of the puzzle has fallen into place for me. An hour ago I called my AH, and he was obviously totally wasted. I made the conversation as short as possible. He was clearly ready for a fight, and was angry when I ended the call, but end the call I did. And I went about my business, and I have wasted virtually no energy worrying about him, or wondering what he is doing. Instead, I have been caring for our son, taking care of home chores, and just generally marveling at my recovery and how far I've come. This is an even bigger deal to me now, because it's coming off a stretch of 1-2 weeks when I've heard little evidence of drinking when we've talked. Historically, those were my worst times...the first time I would be shocked back to reality after a period of relative calm. Not tonight. Pleasant conversations in recent days were pleasant as I was having them, but they did not become a fantasy world in which everything was going to be fine forever and ever, destined to leave me crushed when the inevitable proof showed up that of course things are NOT fine.
I love him. I am sure that a part of me will always love him. I am in pain, because there is always pain with a broken heart, and a heart always breaks when love...I don't know what the word is. It isn't dying, really. Not for me anyway. When love fails. When loving someone brings you enough pain that you would rather live away from love than with it. I loved this man with all of my heart. Every bit of it. I took down a lot of emotional walls, and pushed all my chips to the center of the table to be with him. And I lost. But now, for the past few months, for the first time in several years, I can imagine a world where I allow my heart to heal and I help my children to heal. And THAT is a very powerful feeling.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Wisconsin: You have achieved something awesome & thank you for inspiring others. I added this quote from Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think like A Man". He perfectly describes the love of a woman & you recognized how you loved him--always remember how great your love is & what he will miss--I can see by your words you loved him very much but realized it was time to let go.
“Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough.
That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance. ”
“Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough.
That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance. ”
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wisconsin, that is just phenomenal! You've surely paid your dues. Thanks for sharing your hard-won wisdom and strength. What an inspiring post, and so moving...
Your wings are getting strong--you'll be ready to fly when that day comes!
Wishing you all the best.
Your wings are getting strong--you'll be ready to fly when that day comes!
Wishing you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks everyone. It was really such a big moment for me last night. I mean, I've felt that way for awhile (ending the nasty phone calls and just getting on with my evening with minimal thought to my AH). But for some reason, last night I just sat there marveling at myself, and at my recovery.
Three years ago my AH was home for a weekend (he worked out of town back then, too), and his relapse was brand new. I snooped through his phone and discovered that he has texted a woman he met in a bar, and that he had tried calling her, too. When I confronted him, within 30 seconds...30 SECONDS...it became me begging him not to leave me, begging for HIS forgiveness. I do not even recognize that person anymore. It's like when I think about the way I used to be, I feel like I'm recalling a movie I saw, or a book I read. Gone are the days when I would snoop through his phone, looking for proof of what I already knew in my heart to be true. Gone are the days when I will permit blame to be deflected on to me. Gone are the days when I allow his disease to determine how I feel about myself.
Three years ago my AH was home for a weekend (he worked out of town back then, too), and his relapse was brand new. I snooped through his phone and discovered that he has texted a woman he met in a bar, and that he had tried calling her, too. When I confronted him, within 30 seconds...30 SECONDS...it became me begging him not to leave me, begging for HIS forgiveness. I do not even recognize that person anymore. It's like when I think about the way I used to be, I feel like I'm recalling a movie I saw, or a book I read. Gone are the days when I would snoop through his phone, looking for proof of what I already knew in my heart to be true. Gone are the days when I will permit blame to be deflected on to me. Gone are the days when I allow his disease to determine how I feel about myself.
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