Double Winners: How not to be a hypocrite?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Double Winners: How not to be a hypocrite?
I have almost a year sober, AH is actively drinking with no plans to stop. What was a completely normal and acceptable situation a year ago (going out with friends, PLANNING on getting totally drunk and having a raging hangover the next day, and of course accomplishing this) is no longer okay.
I feel like such a hypocrite! I used to drink to get drunk every night. My alcoholism was much worse than his, though he's been drinking much longer than I did. He never said a word to me (obviously it was easier to have me drunk so I wouldn't say anything about his drinking). Now, whenever he gets drunk I feel disgusted and angry (though I am trying to work through it...I'm in AA and Al-Anon).
How do I deal with this? I've told him I don't like the drinking, but don't say much about it anymore, as I know it will do no good. I'm trying to focus on myself. One the one hand, I feel I have no right to judge him. I know he's an alcoholic and can't help it, and I've been there. But on the other hand, I am seeing things clearly for the first time now, and everything that I formerly labeled as "ok" was really not ok at all. How do you deal?
I feel like such a hypocrite! I used to drink to get drunk every night. My alcoholism was much worse than his, though he's been drinking much longer than I did. He never said a word to me (obviously it was easier to have me drunk so I wouldn't say anything about his drinking). Now, whenever he gets drunk I feel disgusted and angry (though I am trying to work through it...I'm in AA and Al-Anon).
How do I deal with this? I've told him I don't like the drinking, but don't say much about it anymore, as I know it will do no good. I'm trying to focus on myself. One the one hand, I feel I have no right to judge him. I know he's an alcoholic and can't help it, and I've been there. But on the other hand, I am seeing things clearly for the first time now, and everything that I formerly labeled as "ok" was really not ok at all. How do you deal?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I think this is a sign that you are working your recovery. I do not think it is judgement. This is facing the reality of your life & your relationship & you are starting to see that you want something different. Alcoholism is not normal or healthy, since you are on a path to a healthier life, the choices/behaviors of an active A are no longer acceptable.
Only you can decide what you want as part of your life moving forward. But it is okay if what you want changes...I think that is a part of growth and experience. I have told my RAH that there are many things in our relationship that must change in order for us to continue our marriage...our relationship needs to be healthy which requires a lot of work. We are making progress, but it is requiring both of us to put in the effort.
You are doing the right things - detaching & focusing on yourself. You'll know the next right thing when you are ready for it.
Only you can decide what you want as part of your life moving forward. But it is okay if what you want changes...I think that is a part of growth and experience. I have told my RAH that there are many things in our relationship that must change in order for us to continue our marriage...our relationship needs to be healthy which requires a lot of work. We are making progress, but it is requiring both of us to put in the effort.
You are doing the right things - detaching & focusing on yourself. You'll know the next right thing when you are ready for it.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I agree with the above post. I don't think it is judgement. I think it has to be realization.
You are working your recovery (Congrats on that success)! I know I hear on these boards all the time about spouses and partners who continue to drink with a recovering alcoholic in the home. My husband is working on his recovery and I would never drink or have alcohol in the home. I don't see how he could suceed with that? He would not even stand a chance and I don't think it would be very nice of me to always be putting him in that situation. You are very very strong to have recovery in the environment you are in. Hats off to you!
You are definitely a double winner, dealing with alcoholism and now having to go through this. My heart goes out to you.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
You are working your recovery (Congrats on that success)! I know I hear on these boards all the time about spouses and partners who continue to drink with a recovering alcoholic in the home. My husband is working on his recovery and I would never drink or have alcohol in the home. I don't see how he could suceed with that? He would not even stand a chance and I don't think it would be very nice of me to always be putting him in that situation. You are very very strong to have recovery in the environment you are in. Hats off to you!
You are definitely a double winner, dealing with alcoholism and now having to go through this. My heart goes out to you.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you made changes for yourself, which is TERRIFIC. however, this also puts you in a different "space" now....life as a sober person. and that means things that were once OK in your life are NOT so ok now. as a non-drinker, drinking bothers you, is upsetting, especially in your home.
and this is where it gets sticky. you can't expect him to quit JUST because you quit....you understand it has to come from inside. but you have the right to a sober existence.....and he has the right to drink. those two RIGHTS are mutually exclusive, unless you can learn to be ok with it. some can, some can't.
and this is where it gets sticky. you can't expect him to quit JUST because you quit....you understand it has to come from inside. but you have the right to a sober existence.....and he has the right to drink. those two RIGHTS are mutually exclusive, unless you can learn to be ok with it. some can, some can't.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SomewhereElse.......I'm just thinking.......If he were Sober while you were still drinking.....what do you think his reaction would have been??
Of course, your drinking didn't bother him so much....he had the alcohol to zone out on.
Of course, your drinking didn't bother him so much....he had the alcohol to zone out on.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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He likes to remind me that my drinking was WAY worse than his ever was. If he were sober when I was drinking, he would have been terrified and upset. I'm sure he would have let me know all the ways my drinking was affecting him.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I guess you could ask him to make arrangements to spend the night somewhere else when he is planning his "going out and getting totally drunk and having a raging hangover the next day."
This is another one of those double edged sword circumstances, while it may seem like you are supporting his need to go out and get raging drunk, you are also saying I will not take front row seat , and repeatedly witness his bullsh*t.
Only you can decide what constitutes " acceptable" standard of living.
Congrats on one year sober, good for you!
This is another one of those double edged sword circumstances, while it may seem like you are supporting his need to go out and get raging drunk, you are also saying I will not take front row seat , and repeatedly witness his bullsh*t.
Only you can decide what constitutes " acceptable" standard of living.
Congrats on one year sober, good for you!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Congrats on your one year! That is fantastic. I unfortunately don't have any advice to give you. I relapsed after my husband started drinking again. I am having a very painful day trying to make this day one again.
Stay strong. And I wouldn't say it is judgmental or hypocritical. His using could threaten your sobriety. You are only taking care of yourself.
Stay strong. And I wouldn't say it is judgmental or hypocritical. His using could threaten your sobriety. You are only taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Yes, I do...but it's still hard not to feel like a hypocrite 
And I have a hard time not thinking about the future: Can I live with an active alcoholic for the rest of my life? Can I deal with the infidelity (one night stand a year ago)...everything seems to be coming to the surface lately. I'm trying to live one day at a time, but my brain just goes a little crazy sometimes...
And I have a hard time not thinking about the future: Can I live with an active alcoholic for the rest of my life? Can I deal with the infidelity (one night stand a year ago)...everything seems to be coming to the surface lately. I'm trying to live one day at a time, but my brain just goes a little crazy sometimes...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SomewhereElse---you are going through the mental agonies that we all go through when trying to live with active alcoholism. God knows..it ain't easy and it is usual to feel like you are going "crazy". You can be co-dependent and alcoholic at the same time.......and t ha can suck big jagged rocks.
As a recovering alcoholic--you realize that sobriety comes first in your life. Few people can live with an active alcoholic (if they value their own happiness and welfare). Aren't you generally advised to avoid the playgrounds and playmates of your prior drinking life?
Is it possible that you need to get out of HIS way??
Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest thing.
dandylion
As a recovering alcoholic--you realize that sobriety comes first in your life. Few people can live with an active alcoholic (if they value their own happiness and welfare). Aren't you generally advised to avoid the playgrounds and playmates of your prior drinking life?
Is it possible that you need to get out of HIS way??
Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest thing.
dandylion
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