SpouseRecovery

Since my last post my AH has entered inpatient rehab. On the 21st of October, he attempted to break into our home and was arrested. That was followed by multiple threats towards me and our child. He broke back into the house after being released from jail and refused to leave. Because our separation wasn't final, I could not legally have him removed. I was forced once again, the third time in six months, to take our child and live somewhere else. I was forced to file a Protection Order. It took several days for the sheriff to serve him and after a week I was able to go home. With nowhere to go, he had burned every bridge, he finally entered inpatient rehab.

I am glad that he is finally getting help. But now what I am dealing with is immense guilt--the M.O. of an addict's spouse, right? I am getting pressure from him, his family, his rehab center to drive the 5 hours, take time off of work, find child care for my daughter and spend 3 days at his rehab facility for "Family Weekend." You would think the Protection Order, upheld by a judge yesterday at the hearing, would be enough to get them all to stop badgering me.

I want him to get better but I feel like he is still hinging his recovery on me. I filed for separation over 2 months ago after enduring 3 years of emotional abuse due to his alcoholism--which has been present for 10 years but severe the last 3 years. I drew a hard line and I feel like nobody is respecting that. His parents especially are pressuring me to reconcile, yet they are about to take off for 3 weeks to Mexico and can't attend family weekend. I am grappling with taking care of myself and my daughter and the crushing guilt I feel for not going. I know that me going would give him false hope and he is focusing more on our failed marriage than he is on his recovery.

Of course he is extremely apologetic now, as he always is when he is newly sober, which makes it harder for me to keep a hard line because then I feel cruel for looking out for myself and my daughter.

MissFixit

hi

his recovery is not your responsibility! it is his to own. sounds like he might be crying to anyone who will listen and they come to you telling you to go help him (i experienced a similar episode once).

your only duty is to yourself and your daughter. whatever you need to do for the two of you to be safe healthy and happy is probably your best best.

fyi no one has to go see him on friends and family weekend. entirely optional.

dandylion

SpouseRecovery---There is no one in this picture that has YOUR best interest at heart. Not even the rehab center--remember that they are receiving money to put HIS interest
as top priority.

Resist the urge to feel the "guilt"--the false guilt--that is being heaped upon you. **Also, resist the guilt that you are placing on yourself***

You are at an important crossroad in your recovery journey. IT IS OF UPMOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU REMAIN STRONG AND RESOLUTE--NO MATTER WHO YOU PIS* OFF!!

Because, when the whole thing caves in--again--I can gurantee you that there will not be one single person (that you mentioned) there to pick up the pieces for you. They will still be blaming you directly, or indirectly. You will never win their approval--no matter what you do or do not do. So, I say do what is in the best welfare for you and your CHILD.

Gather your support peeps around you and stand Tall. You have made tremendous progress so far--don't let others snatch it away from you!!

You cannot live a happy l ife if you are a slave to the opinions of others. None of us can.....

dandylion

jaynie04

My thought on Family week is this....I think it is as much about you as it is about him. From what I saw, it was a time for families to finally have a chance to talk about how THEY were affected, how much hurt and suffering they had endured.

Not everyone who I saw at family week had a happy outcome. But I felt it was a cathartic time for people to be able to air their issues, and that the guilty party couldn't use old tactics to evade responsibility.

Just my opinion, but I would say if you feel it would help you, then go. But I would make it clear from the outset that you are going for yourself.

CarryOn

So, what would YOU get out of attending family weekend? I think the only reason that you should attend is that it will be helpful for your recovery. If it will not be helpful for your recovery, then don't go.

Also, would that help him in any way with your order of protection? I don't know how that works, but spending three days with him voluntarily seems contradictory to the reasons you need an order of protection. I remember your post from that period, and I am glad (as an internet stranger!) that you were able to obtain that.

His parents want you to go so they don't have to feel bad about going on their vacation rather than going to see him in rehab. Sounds like there is a lot of denial going on with AH & his family - doesn't sound like anyone is willing to admit he is an A.

I guess I'd make some awesome plans with DD, and let him think about why he has no family on family weekend.

suki44883

You would be remiss if you didn't look out for yourself and your daughter first and foremost. I hope you won't allow anyone to browbeat you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. You have every reason in the world to put as much distance between yourself and him as possible, and that includes his family if they insist on badgering you.

No is a complete sentence. You do not owe them anything, and if you have a Protective Order against him, you aren't allowed within a certain distance of him either, at the risk of negating the Order. You have absolutely NO reason to feel guilty and if it were me, I would block the family's phone number or set my phone so that any time they call, it will automatically go to voice mail. They have no right to harass you.

jaynie04

A bit more. I saw the pre-game as I was there as a patient. There were a lot of patients who were very very nervous about family week, because they knew they were going to face the music. What I was trying to convey is that if it is at all at like what I witnessed it was set up to make sure that people felt safe and were heard.

I personally don't think it takes 2 people to have closure, a lot of times when I hear people talking about needing closure I think it is just a thinly veiled way of trying to have more contact. I think it depends on whether you feel that having an opportunity to release frustration and anger in a setting where you will be heard would be of benefit to you.

Hopeworks

Dandylion is right!

I did 6 rehab stints with my XA and I went to every family day dutifully... I swallowed all the promises and all the quacking hook line and sinker. My XA always went to rehab after his relapse vacations (usually in Las Vegas) and all of his resources dried up entirely. Or... if he had a criminal case pending rehab was always a good option as opposed to a jail cell...

And what that do for me??? Made me sicker... more codie... and he never stopped drinking. Oh he would stop for a few months until his bloated stomach and high blood pressure got better. Rest up his liver and get his strength back and then he would pick up and take off for the bright lights and big city party life creating mayhem and madness along the way.

The only reason mine didn't camp at the house because I got so crazy I would pick up a gun and convince him he only had moments to live if he didn't vamoose in a hurry.

I really don't recommend that type of relationship these days... recovery.... such a wonderful thing.

So... codieness is progressive. Hanging out with toxic active or dry alcoholics can be hazardous to our mental health. It could lead to carrying a gun and considering using it...lol.

Just say no. For a year. Tell him one year no drinking you will go on a date to Tahiti if he saves up the money for tickets and hotel and dinners an flowers... etc, etc, etc.

I did that 2 years ago and you know to save up that kind of money for an alcoholic is hard... real hard. So I never had to go to Tahiti and in the meantime I started getting better and less dangerous to others (lol).

And he is sober a full 8 weeks! So exciting!!!!! Just think in 10 months I could be sending all of you a postcard from Tahiti!

Maybe we should all take bets when my XA will next pick up his next drink like they do with football pools... you just got to keep your sense of humor with the relatives.

Let them know you have a date set on the calendar and can't wait to see him in Tahiti after his is sober 1 full year from his sober date (after rehab which is forced sobriety).... and the heat will melt away.

If they keep bugging just call me and I will give them a talking to

Carlotta

Well here is your answer. There is a restraining order against him by the court and you going to see him would like Suki said would negate it. In some States like mine, you could get in trouble for disregarding the judge s orders.
My qualifier for Al Anon was in and out of rehabs multiple times and I attended "family" weekend to be supportive. This is geared toward them and it did nothing for me (neither did it do it for him since he kept relapsing). The last time, I had started Al Anon and I accomplished at least one useful thing by going when I passed out pamphlets to other codies who were there for their As and DAs

atalose

Don't own guilt that isn't yours to own.

You didn't cause him to drink.

Just like you can't control his recovery.

Sounds like he's still manipulating you. And it sounds like You need to be honest with yourself first with what you want for your life and your daughters. Then be honest with those trying to push you into being his recovery.

Of course his family wants you to be there and by his side, that way they don't have to deal with it themselves directly.

Figure out what you want first, then the rest will fall into place.

overit263

I hate that anyone inflicts guilt, especially the inlaws on the spouse. You are the one that has been living with him, not them. I filed after not going to family weekend as well. I let my AXH know that he has to do this all himself and that I can't do anything anymore. He told me not to come to family weekend (a few hours away) and then get very angry with me for not showing up. His behavior made me very thankful that I let him know I would not be going through this anymore and that if he wanted to be clean, he would do it himself. My inlaws told me that they didn't blame me for wanting to leave him, but then they helped him lie about where he was living so that he couldn't be served with the divorce papers. It's extremely frustrating, but when you've had enough, you've had enough. When you know that no matter what they do to make amends is not going to make up for the pain you've dealt with due to their addiction, you have to walk away. It doens't do either party any good for someone to stay out of guilt.

foolsgold66

You aren't being cruel. You are being kind and strong by making your position clear and sticking to it. You are acting in the best interests of all for the long-term, even the family members badgering you. You are pretty amazing.

I wish you well.

I choose not to drink today
FG