My First Post - Can Someone Tell Me If This is Alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 1
My First Post - Can Someone Tell Me If This is Alcoholism
Hello,
I've never posted in a forum before, but I've come to the end of my rope with my husband. I've know him since he was 17 and he is and has always been a "drinker." He drinks every night, and I don't like it, but I've learned to tolerate it. However, we have been having very serious issues that I wonder if alcohol contributes to. We've been married 4 years and are both in our early 40s.
He drinks every night, to the tune of at least 6 beers and up to 12. Recently, I've noticed that he also will finish off the half-bottle of wine I might have opened (I typically have 2-3 glasses of wine on friday and saturday night). Or, if we've had people over on a weekend and have left over alcohol, he will have it all finished off within a day or two in addition to the beer he already drinks. Also, if he goes fishing or hunting he wont drink then.
The thing is, he is not the stereotypical drunk. He doesnt get "sloppy", and I don't have to pick him up off the floor. He also won't drive if he's had anything to drink and he doesnt go to bars. He will slur his words and start to list to one side. He will also fall asleep (pass out?) on the couch many nights a week. It's also affected his ability to have relations. His memory is also really bad. He won't remember whole conversations we've had when we were drinking or just things that happen in general.
I've noticed that he will be in a very foul mood in the morning, in the evening after work (before he starts drinking) and late in the evening if he's had a lot to drink, and I "bother" him about something.
I told him I don't like it and I've tried nagging in the past with (obviously) no success. So, now I just ignore it, but it really bothers me.
The thing is, that he also has narcissistic traits. We get into some very bad arguments and he refuses to communicate with me. His attitude has gotten worse and he blames me for everything that is wrong in life and in this relationship. He puts me down, tells me he hates me, that he doesnt care about me at all. Then a few days later he will calm down. Then things are fine and we have great times, then it starts all over again.
I'm writing now, because yesterday morning he walked out on me. We got into an argument the night before b/c i wanted him to come to bed. The next morning he was still bad and went on a tirade about how he hates me and how much i disgust him and all that. He left. i havent heard from him except for some text tirades immediately after. I tried to apologize, but nothing. I know he stayed at a hotel by his job (he doesnt miss work b/c of his drinking either) but now I have no idea where he is. He left literally with the clothes on his back.
I want to know if that much alcohol can have a negative effect on someone to cause them to act so unstable? Can it affect the brain itself? How do you think he feels in the mornings after drinking that much or in the evening before he has another drink? how long can someone live that way? I am trying to determine if the alcohol is playing a role in our problems or if it's just my fault.
Sorry for the long post. Thank you for any insight
I've never posted in a forum before, but I've come to the end of my rope with my husband. I've know him since he was 17 and he is and has always been a "drinker." He drinks every night, and I don't like it, but I've learned to tolerate it. However, we have been having very serious issues that I wonder if alcohol contributes to. We've been married 4 years and are both in our early 40s.
He drinks every night, to the tune of at least 6 beers and up to 12. Recently, I've noticed that he also will finish off the half-bottle of wine I might have opened (I typically have 2-3 glasses of wine on friday and saturday night). Or, if we've had people over on a weekend and have left over alcohol, he will have it all finished off within a day or two in addition to the beer he already drinks. Also, if he goes fishing or hunting he wont drink then.
The thing is, he is not the stereotypical drunk. He doesnt get "sloppy", and I don't have to pick him up off the floor. He also won't drive if he's had anything to drink and he doesnt go to bars. He will slur his words and start to list to one side. He will also fall asleep (pass out?) on the couch many nights a week. It's also affected his ability to have relations. His memory is also really bad. He won't remember whole conversations we've had when we were drinking or just things that happen in general.
I've noticed that he will be in a very foul mood in the morning, in the evening after work (before he starts drinking) and late in the evening if he's had a lot to drink, and I "bother" him about something.
I told him I don't like it and I've tried nagging in the past with (obviously) no success. So, now I just ignore it, but it really bothers me.
The thing is, that he also has narcissistic traits. We get into some very bad arguments and he refuses to communicate with me. His attitude has gotten worse and he blames me for everything that is wrong in life and in this relationship. He puts me down, tells me he hates me, that he doesnt care about me at all. Then a few days later he will calm down. Then things are fine and we have great times, then it starts all over again.
I'm writing now, because yesterday morning he walked out on me. We got into an argument the night before b/c i wanted him to come to bed. The next morning he was still bad and went on a tirade about how he hates me and how much i disgust him and all that. He left. i havent heard from him except for some text tirades immediately after. I tried to apologize, but nothing. I know he stayed at a hotel by his job (he doesnt miss work b/c of his drinking either) but now I have no idea where he is. He left literally with the clothes on his back.
I want to know if that much alcohol can have a negative effect on someone to cause them to act so unstable? Can it affect the brain itself? How do you think he feels in the mornings after drinking that much or in the evening before he has another drink? how long can someone live that way? I am trying to determine if the alcohol is playing a role in our problems or if it's just my fault.
Sorry for the long post. Thank you for any insight
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Welcome to SR! I'm sure others will be along to welcome you as well.
Of course it isn't just your fault! (wanted to get that out of the way first).
Whatever word you want to attach to it he certainly seems to have a problem with alcohol. Also wanted to add that it's a dicey proposition to estimate how much he's drinking. If you read many entries by others on this forum you'll see that many alcoholics drink secretly once things get bad.
I think you know the answer to your question: he's having symptoms and negative consequences from his drinking.
Please keep posting and reading. Lot's of wisdom and support here.
Danae
Of course it isn't just your fault! (wanted to get that out of the way first).
Whatever word you want to attach to it he certainly seems to have a problem with alcohol. Also wanted to add that it's a dicey proposition to estimate how much he's drinking. If you read many entries by others on this forum you'll see that many alcoholics drink secretly once things get bad.
I think you know the answer to your question: he's having symptoms and negative consequences from his drinking.
Please keep posting and reading. Lot's of wisdom and support here.
Danae
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
The answer to "how long someone can live this way" is a very long time. My son was drinking daily while he was in high school. Throughout his 20's he progressed into narcotics. Your husband sounds like a drunk. Anyone who drink every day is a alcoholic. It may be PC to say otherwise but drinking daily=a drunk.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I don't know him, but he sounds a lot like me, and I am DEFINITELY an alcoholic.
Might want to check out the book codependent no more, cause he is not treating you at all right. It's not your fault. At all.
Might want to check out the book codependent no more, cause he is not treating you at all right. It's not your fault. At all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
Posts: 111
Welcome! He's an A. It will only continue escalate. I feel for you. Mrs worse is sitting in my house getting blasted while I'm camping out at HER parents house. Welcome to the wonderful world of having an A spouse. Wishing you well.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi H&A, he certainly sounds like he has a problem, and it's affecting his thinking and your marriage.
He is grumpy until he has his first drink
He drinks every day, and whatever's in the house
He's forgetting things that have happened while he's under the influence
He's lashing out at anything that stands in the way of his drinking (you)
The with active As is that they are addicted and will do whatever it takes to keep drinking. That's why he's not with you at the moment. Now he can drink as much as he likes without interference. It may be a matter of time until it affects his work.
I suggest you look at the Friends and Family forum and read the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. I'm sure you'll find a lot of what's there very familiar.
Look after yourself, consider Al-Anon, and remember you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.
He is grumpy until he has his first drink
He drinks every day, and whatever's in the house
He's forgetting things that have happened while he's under the influence
He's lashing out at anything that stands in the way of his drinking (you)
The with active As is that they are addicted and will do whatever it takes to keep drinking. That's why he's not with you at the moment. Now he can drink as much as he likes without interference. It may be a matter of time until it affects his work.
I suggest you look at the Friends and Family forum and read the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. I'm sure you'll find a lot of what's there very familiar.
Look after yourself, consider Al-Anon, and remember you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi HurtandAlone and welcome.
Don't blame yourself, I was like your husband until I turned a corner, my h put up with my drunkeness for a long time before he said enough and left. We reconciled but it was the first time ever I looked at myself and changed my ways, not liking what I saw.
Don't blame yourself, I was like your husband until I turned a corner, my h put up with my drunkeness for a long time before he said enough and left. We reconciled but it was the first time ever I looked at myself and changed my ways, not liking what I saw.
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