Argnotthisagain

So I've been doing the work of adapting to life on my own, learning and practicing new skills as fast and as comprehensivly as I can, working with a GOOOOOD therapist, developing a dear friendship with a woman. The kind of warm nurturing and funny person i most need........ developing other friendships too...taking actions consistently to take care of myself.... all the right stuff.....

And then a cold grey rainy Nov 2nd hits...I'm doing dishes in a nice cozy kitchen, and thinking of making chili. Something *WE* used to do together, and I loved that togetherness sooooooo much......

And BAM. It just hits me like a tidal wave. Miss that happiness SOOOOOO damn much......

Just thought I might try stopping myself in mid sob and coming on here. I've thought of updating you guys but I just don't start threads much unless I'm in an emotional hit.....

Uh.... ESH? Please?

dandylion

Argnotthisagain, I doubt that there is one person, here at SR, who doesn't know exactly what you are talking about! This is letting the pain out. Go ahead and sob--- and cry out to the heavens if you feel it. There are some emotions I feel our language can't adequately describe--but, our tears can give witness to.

I have been there. When the "tidal wave" comes, it can knock you over. That is o.k. You will get back up, again.

The time will come....way down the road when you will have memories (from time to time) but you will not be able to reproduce this pain. Memories--minus the pain.

Go ahead and cry--this is the healing. I can promise you that this will not last forever.

dandylion

AnonK

I've been in that same place lately, and it is horrible.

I almost feel like a child throwing a tantrum: I miss my ex. I miss my ex. I miss my ex.

Well, I miss more of who I thought he was and what I thought we had.

I wish I could contribute something more helpful... or helpful at all.

Argnotthisagain

Ohh that's ok Anon....and helpful. Knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way ..from time to time.. and knowing that we DO survive it, is helpful!

We're not the only ones who ever had to get themselves through this!

PeacefulMe

You are definitely not the only one feeling this way. My AH died last Nov 13 and now I'm in the one year anniversary of him being in the hospital and soon to be the one year anniversary of his death. As time passes the crying spells are fewer and further between but I think what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

martina12

Let it out darling...thats what I do coz I am still grieving too. In fact I have taken to pounding the pavement for very long walks to vent my emotional grief. My AH is gone, not dead but I really fear for him and think I have lost him for good. I can't save him and therefore have let him go (I have 2 young children) and dread the consequences of my actions. I am firedrilling in my head what if's....keeping strong is so hard but there is no choice for a better future?

Argnotthisagain

Oh dandylion! I replied first thing to u but I didn't realize it didn't post!! I must have thought I hit the post button....

Just want to say thank you. I know intellectually what you say is true.. but when you're in it, it feels like it will be this way forever.

I need to hear reminders. Thank you so much!

ShootingStar1

Thank you so much for expressing this so eloquently. I feel this often, and it is overwhelming, and I lose all my confidence and wonder why I have caused this terrible loss...

And then, reason comes back, and I remember why, and I know I was right to do what I did, and I know I did the only thing I could do if I wanted to survive

But there is still that grief.

I hope that someday the grief well will be empty

ShootingStar1

spiderqueen

Hi Arg,
I can so totally relate. I had been feeling mostly stronger, day by day, after ending things with ABF; haven't seen him in over three months now.

And then whammo, got hit by the ol' tidal wave recently, too; had to stand still, hand over mouth, bawling, in front of my neighbor's Halloween decorations (!!!) on a lovely autumn walk.

*sigh*

Rode the wave, like the expert surfer I have become, then wiped off the snot, and walked on home.

I like to think that each one of those waves is taking us closer to shore, where there is a cushy dry towel and hot cocoa waiting.

Would you like whipped cream with that, ma'am?
(((hugs))))

stella27

I find it's best to just FEEL it. Whatever IT happens to be. Just your basic, everyday catharsis. remember that having feelings without acting on them (like calling him up: hi, wanna come over and make chili?) is what separates us from the crazy people.

I just went off an SSRI that I had taken for 6 years. I'm feeling some stuff. As long as I'm not crazy, I'm going to be patient with the process and just try to feel it all without acting on it.

I'm sorry for the sadness. Grief is so rough.

SnoozyQ

Dandylion ;-)

What a fantastic reply .....i hope those words gave you some peace Argnotthisagain.

Glad you posted cos that lessens the pain even if its for a little while.
Tomorrow is another day .

Stay with us , we can help you get thru this xxx

lillamy

For me, the grief still attacks almost four years later. But it's different. Now, I feel grief *for him* - not for what we used to have. But for what he has become.

I spent 20 years with him. Most of them trying to "save" him. If you ask him today, everything that is wrong in his life is my fault and a reason to have another couple of bottles of vodka.

So these days, I don't grieve what we had as much as I grieve that he is stuck and lost and still believes those lies that come in bottles.

Seren

For me, grief usually hits in the car on the way home from work...cried a lot in that old car!

Argnotthisagain

hey you all...I'm at work....just taking a little break here.

Thank you all so much...such great replies.

I haven't actually seen the A in several years now, but there was a lot of contact by email, text and later, phone. Fairly recently I got an unexpected text from him.
Really don't have time or desire to talk about it right now. Talking about the A reinforces my thoughts of him.

Just hard...this time of year I guess.... it's extra hard when you've had a long long long time of consistent abuse and trauma, chronic illness and related abuse from peers, many hospital traumas. etc etc. Blah blah.... PTSD up one side and down the other. No family or anyone else living with me, so no distraction--very lonely, and grew up that way. REALLY hard to change those mental pathways and doomed thinking. My therapist has said that my situation is unusual because the harm was so consistent and sustained for so long. (Infancy through early adulthood.)

Desperate for affection, as a frined once put it, and how true that is.

I know the alone time is necessary so I can learn self-care and all..... I just wonder, is it harder because I have no loving, nurturing in my background, so there's no foundation to build on? Is it easier to recover when you had SOME positive loving influence to draw on, as a model?

I don't get it.

Oh dang...I know this post is pretty disjointed..im just venting....feeling down....but have to RUN right this second cuz I'll be late to my next assignment.

dandylion

Dear argnotthisagain, I am so glad that you are working with a good therapist.

I also wish you were going to alanon meetings, or CODA or Adult tchildren of alcoholics---which ever one that you (or therapist) thinks might be the best "fit". These are groups that will not desert you---they are loving in a healthy way--and understand beyond words. You would receive face-to-face nurturing, there. You could experience what love is like, there. The kind of love that is based on your essential human value. The value that you were born with! You can go there when you are lonely for "real" human connection.

This is a suggestion of mine. Please think about it--to see if it would be of value to you.

dandylion

Argnotthisagain

Hey dandylion. thanks so much!! You are always so right-on!!

I was going to Al Anon for 6 so months during the spring and summer. Every day when i was on summer break...hit some CODA mtgs too. Looked for a sponsor too but couldn't find someone available.

After a while, I realized that the Al Anon mtgs reinforced my feelings of being the abandoned ex of an A. It put my focus on him a lot, which was the opposite of what I want. Also triggered other stuff, what with everyone having family to talk about.

The CODA mtgs turned me off bigtime...no cross talk was especially uncomfortable there, because it was like people unconnected, taking turns venting their stuff --- like dropping non-sequiturs into a well, one after another. No one relating anything they said to anything they'd heard.

Years ago, when I went to AA mtgs (interpreted, had a close group of friends and substituted the word "relationship addiction" for "alcohol") we went out for coffee afterward, but I didn't seem to find any of the groups that do that.

So leaving, alone, felt just as rotten.
Instead, I decided to work on building friendships. I am fortunate to have one friend who really understands and is really caring and warm and kind. She and her wife have said I'm family now and they're there for me. It's not all one way either. I make sure of that and check in; I know I'm a benefit in her life too, as she is in mine.

Everyone at work loves me cuz im funny, supportive and kind and a good listener....but they all go home to families or SO's and I need to continue improving my alone skills.

Just having a bad few days....I'm running out of patience. :P