aroundtheblock

I'm 67 years old and retired. We barely make it on our SS money and our home is almost paid for. Been married for 12 years, the first seven were delightful as I didn't realize I was with a highly functioning AH.
He has serious back problems that have progressed from aspirin to oxycontin, and now to Suboxone. AND still drinking, although much less and still lies about it, even if I'm standing there with the breathalyzer in my hand (won't let him drive if I suspect he's had some).

3 years ago he agreed to switch the house and $ into my name to make sure the business landlord didn't come take our home when we tried to get out of a lease we had never been late on (ridiculous, as he had been there 34 years!!! And she still wanted every cent from the future). He holds this against me and tells my brother that "I took all the money and give it to my kids". My bro knows I don't do anything except pay bills and he has now said he and his husband (gay) really don't want to spend time with my AH anymore because he's always high and says stupid stuff.

As we closed the store he tried to kill himself twice, both times drunk as a skunk. I though great, he will now get some help for depression, suspicion of Bi Polar Depression and stop drinking so his liver could recover.

Lessened the juice just enough to heal his liver and add opiates as a new way to medicate himself out of life. He is the sweetest man, never goes to bars or out with guys or girls, comes home and drinks.

I did not cause it. I cannot cure it. I never let him avoid repercusions or hide his addictions. He is now drinking on top of Suboxone and it's making him forget a lot and he talks stupid. I'm going to his pain doc this week to make sure he knows what's happening.

I'm sick at heart trying to plan how to get the house I love ready to sell, I keep thinking he'll realize what he's throwing away. We will both live with much less when we separate. I'm crying now as I type this. I have friends my age that live in apartments and are barely making it after leaving their spouses and it scares me. And my Ah is so vulnerable he will easily give away his half of the $ to any female that will spend time with him. I worry he'll end up homeless. Tremendous guilt....for what? I'm not the one ruining our lives.

JustAGirl1971

I have no words of wisdom. Just commiseration. I'm in a similar place - feeling like it's time to leave (or in my case, get dh to leave), but paralyzed by fear, guilt, sadness, and financial insecurity. Plus, it's just plain hard to admit when a relationship is ending. I was 17 when we started dating. Our youngest child is only 3 years younger than I was when we started dating. Oldest ds is older now than I was when we got married. I don't know how to do it alone but I also know I can't keep doing it this way.

I'm 25 years younger than you so I definitely have an advantage when it comes to starting over, but the thing I keep reminding myself is that it's all just material possessions. My sanity and my children's wellbeing is worth more to me than "things."

shil2587

You said that you did not cause it and you cannot cure it, but you missed not controlling it. From what you said in your post, it looks a lot like you are trying to control it.
Breathalising him, deciding when he can or cannot drive, taking control of his finances for him, paying all his bills etc. These things are controlling the level of the consequences he faces. Perhaps the reason you are finding it hard to start the break-up is that deep down you may still hop you can control the situation.

Perhaps you could start small, start by not asking him or testing to see if he's been drinking. If he drink drives and gets a DUI, that is a consequence that he needs to learn from. Can you manage on your income alone even if it means cutting back? If you have control of the money, are you giving him an allowance he is spending on drinking?

Just my thoughts.

aroundtheblock

Good question. As a 5 year member (years ago) of COSA that should have occurred to me. The breathalizer was purchased to show he was telling the truth and acting goofy because of the heavy meds he's on (chronic severe back pain). I pay the bills because they are all in my name so guess who's credit I'm guarding. We both get $100 every two weeks that is not accounted for and usually he gets it from the bank. I save most of mine for girl lunches/movies/Vegas with my cousins every year and he likes to eat fast food and brings it back home to eat. I never ask him what he spends it on.
I usually drive when we go places and if he is driving and is acting odd I won't go. BUT it terrifies me when he is staggering around and about to drive, he could hurt other people. So I use the breathalzer to show him "see you are drunk and shouldn't drive" and he chooses not to. Otherwise he pretty much comes and goes and does what he wants.

Do you think I should risk other people's safety to get him in jail on a DUI? That bothers me a lot so if I could be sure he wouldn't hurt someone I'd even call the cops to let them know he's out there, etc.

shil2587

Hi again.
Sorry if I came across more roughly than intended. I'm having my own issues today and my 'gentle filter' isn't functioning very well. I suppose what I mean is more, for your own sake, keeping an eye on what your own focus is. If he goes out to drive drunk, is that really YOU putting people at risk? Calling the cops when he's out is something I would do too, for the same reason. But, perhaps it'd be worth keeping an inner eye on whether any part of you is trying to manage his situation in order to manage your own.
It's so easy to do that instead of trying to manage our own reactions and boundaries, I just don't want you to have to go through the pain that that will bring you.

I truly wish you the best in starting your separation, from what everyone on here seems to find, life gets better, even living on less.