Sally2222

Well, I know i should be on the gratitude list because I certainly have alot to be grateful for.
My spouse has been sober for 4 years now and we both quit smoking, started our own business. Put our life back together rising from the ashes
But yet i find myself obsessed with fear of trusting again. Im controlling, and jealous, self conscious, Feel so inferior.
Im scared, and miserable.
I can't seem to pull out of it, to find that sense of security.
Im so obsessed with keeping him sober and inline, that once again i've lost myself.
Im affraid if i let go of trying to control the situation i will lose him.
Because he's done so well,
Guess i don't feel like he needs me the same way he did before
I feel like i don't have much to offer and he could do better.
and if i don't stop my obsessive behavior im afraid i will drive him away.
I have major Trust issues for good reason i might add.
but it's driving me crazy, I need some peace
it feels the only way to stop the pain is to pull away from him, let him go, let the chips fall where they may.
I have to stop controlling the situation and let it happen.
Im just not ready for the outcome.
Im afraid I will lose him is my deep down fear
but i guess if the only way for me to keep him is to control him then it's not the ideal either.
Anyway feeling terrible about my self, no self confidence, ive given all of me.
I've put all my egg's in one basket.
And i hate who i've become

pinkdog

Hi Sally, I think forgiveness is the key. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Think about this. Hugs to you.

Seren

Hello Sally,

I don't know your story or your husband's story, but I think I do know a bit how you are feeling, though. My ex was unfaithful to me, and I remember feeling so paranoid with an obsessive need to check on him all the time.

I'm sorry to say that my previous marriage did not work out, but I did manage to find healing through counseling. Have you considered something of the sort for yourself--to bring some peace back into your life?

Please know you can vent here any time you need!

dandylion

Sally, If a person wants to drink, you can't control it--they will find a way. So, if he has been sober for 4 yrs.--it stands to reason that he has chosen sobriety.......

You can't cause someone to drink and you can't force them to be sober if they don't want to be.

Perhaps he is with you because he wants to be--not because he "needs" to be. I'm not saying that your contribution to the relationship is not valuable......

I don't know either of you personally, of course, but I offer this as food for your consideration.

dandylion

jessicajoe

Hi Sally

It sounds like things are getting really stressful for you, I'm sorry.

I wonder what you think would change. Am I oversimplifying if I say its almost like you think if you don't do A then B will happen. (like avoiding walking under ladders or stepping on the cracks)

As I understand it if an alcoholic is going to drink then they are going to drink and absolutely nothing you can say or do can change that. If he is four years into recovery then I think perhaps its time to let him be in charge of his choices.

I'm not for one minute comparing drinking and cheating but I also think if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat and there is nothing you can say or do to change that either. Why not devote some of the time and effort it takes to worry about it to being nice to yourself.

Maybe (in a gentle voice) its time to take some control over these things. Do nice things for you, work on your self esteem, realize what an intelligent, hard working, articulate person you are and work on (by whatever means are right for you) making yourself feel better.

Take care Sally. I wish you well

jaynie04

Hi Sally. I looked backed at some of your older posts to get a bit more of a sense of your relationship. I understand he is an A, but he is also a guy and after 4 years of sobriety sometimes not everything is about being an addict. I've felt the way you are feeling before and it didn't feel good at all, it happened to me right after I got married when I was in my early 30's.

I lost my footing. I had always been self-sufficient and resilient and at my best when I was coming from behind. I worked in a primarily male industry and could handle a lot of pressure. After I got married I didn't work for a few years, and I turned into someone I didn't recognize. I became so insecure, convinced that my husband was out in NYC hitting the clubs at night while I sat home and watched Lifetime Movies eating microwave popcorn. I would call him, ask him who he was with, where he was going, when he would be home. I would sit waiting for him with my heart racing as the minutes ticked by. He doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem, I just made him out to be larger than life in my mind. I would call his mother and ask when he would change, and she told me something that I think about until this day.. "when it doesn't matter anymore". I wouldn't have wanted to come home to me!

He wasn't doing anything. I was so lost without a career all of a sudden and no identity that I was turning into a nutcase. And in doing so I was trashing my ego and inflating his. I can look back now and see exactly what was going on, almost 17 years later, but I couldn't see it when I was in it. I was giving my power away. I was convinced all of a sudden that I was nothing without him.....even today pretty happily married I don't buy that at all. I think there are likely a lot of people I could be happy with, and I know there are a lot of women that my husband could be happy with as well.

Relationships are hard, even when 2 people are extremely committed. Even when a lot of things in life go right. One of my dearest friends is an art dealer in Soho. She married a very handsome guy who I went to college with. They had a charmed life, they traveled extensively, had 3 beautiful children, and their homes were always filled with people from all over the world. I have never seen a couple suck more out of each day than this pair. He passed away very unexpectedly 3 years ago.....he was 45, just a sudden heart situation out of nowhere. It rocked a lot of people. But I watched my dear friend. Of course, she struggled, an apt in the city and a lake house, 3 kids, a huge business to run, trying to figure out estate stuff...they had always been too busy living to worry about the future. She lost a beautiful man. But she had so much in her life, her children, her family, a huge group of friends all over the world, a thriving business. She had always thrown herself into every area of her life, and she pulled on that, and I realized that when you have a deep pool to draw from, it helps you navigate in a crisis.

Finding balance in the things you can control and being open to possibilities everyday might not sound like it has anything to do with romance and heartbreak. But the older I get, the more I am convinced it has everything to do with it. I have never felt more attractive than when I am confident because I am excited about something that has nothing to do with men. I waited until I was 40 to have my daughter because there was so much I wanted to do. I know, when you are in it it feels like an all or nothing proposition. If nothing else leave him questioning. Maybe it's game playing, but I am a firm believer in walking away with your head high and leaving them to wonder if maybe they missed something. Even if you spend every night hanging with your gal pals eating Ben & Jerry's , he doesn't need to know that. Not against him...for you. I know, easier said than done, but someday you will look back and know you had much more going on than you ever realized!

Ifeelcrazy

Trusting without wanting to check in is very hard. I just keep telling myself "I can only control my own behavior, not someone else's behavior". It is amazing how the life and who you were gets sucked right out of you. I hear ya! good luck.

Aeryn

When I read your post I got an underlying feeling that he has somehow taken center stage in your life (your life where you are the lead) and that is making him seem like the only option. I'm just throwing this out there but is it possible your subconscious is telling you otherwise?

I don't know, I just think of back when I was with my XAH (whom I would not go back to even if he were sober BTW and he has been for some decent periods several times) and how I lost myself even before his alcoholism progressed to an impossible state. What I realized when I left was that I was valuable outside of a man and outside of a marriage and that I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again (and this has nothing to do with alcoholism).

Everything in life is temporary even life itself, if I worry about what I might lose I spend so much energy and unhappiness on it I don't open myself up for authentic joy or love....or that's how I feel about it.

Only you know the answer for you but I almost feel like you know it but your fear of what it might be keeps you from looking...if that makes any sense. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

lillamy

Did you ever go to Al-Anon? Work their program? I know we say that a lot here, but the kind of things you are struggling with are exactly the kind of things I have been able to work on and that I've heard other people overcome in Al-Anon.

I know that I thought my AXH's drinking was the only problem there was, that if he just quit drinking everything would be fine. Well, here I am divorced from him almost four years later and I'm still having reactions that are unhealthy coping mechanisms that I learned in that marriage.

FireSprite

Hi Sally, you've gotten a lot of great input here. My question is when he got sober, did you do anything for yourself? Does he attend AA or have another network of support outside of you, or did he just white-knuckle through quitting & stay quit? If he has no other support to turn to perhaps you feel the burden of "keeping" him sober, which is unrealistic, IMO. That's a LOT of pressure!

I think the obsessive control in dangerous for you - it's like setting yourself up for failure because eventually SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN that you find upsetting when you have such a tight rein. It distorts your internal gauges over time so even little stuff can upset you in a big way.

LightInside

Yes, did you ever go to Al Anon? I recommend it. For many people, Al Anon is something that they feel the need to be involved in for the rest of their lives. Do you go to therapy?

I also wonder if you journal. There its an exercise I did once that I need to do again. Basically, you imagine that your worst fear has come true and try to feel that feeling and find what the silver lining or positives would be if the fear came true. This is a way to stare your fear in the face, which theoretically makes it less powerful. It's like, how scary can it be if I know how it would feel, how I could respond, and what I could gain from it if it happened? There is always something to gain from loss.

A little of my experience: My worst fear recently came true and I wasn't really prepared. My A Partner left after 7 years and our son was 14 months old at the time. Truth be told, I wanted to either be out of that relationship or for it to change drastically for the better. I was terrified of the grief I would go through if the relationship ended, so I hung around waiting for things to get better. Instead of leaving and facing my fear head on, I now had the rejection and abandonment to deal with (we have to deal with that as partners of A's while in the relationship anyway). I have to focus on those silver linings: my freedom to have peace in my daily life, to grow and exercise my independence. My son will not grow up watching his parents fight every night and seeing beer cans all over the house like that's normal.

I seriously wanted to die when this all happened in July. I have been a mess and I'm not all better. The point is that I sought help, I felt the awful painful feelings and now I see the light through the tunnel and it's getting closer.

Do you have a Higher Power? I have found that trusting my HP has been difficult at times. Sometimes I have doubted that I even have one. Somehow I can see it getting easier for me to trust my HP. I hope you can trust yours too.

Sally2222

I am so overwhelmed with stress right now, I can hardly bare it.
My Father is dying stage four cancer...in the hospital and any day now I will get the news. I just flew out to see him and spent two weeks with him and pretty much left him on his death bed. I've been home only two day' s and my husband and I are in a crazy argument.
I came home and went right back to work with my husband. He's making all these changes and working his ass off I might add and Im just feel crazy and out of control.
I feel like he's not even happy to have me back (imagine that). He's at thng e breaking point, Iam at a breaking point.
We have no communication skills and I have NO Trust.
Unresolved issues haunt us and it leaves me feeling empty lonely angry crazy and out of control.
And it just over shadows everything in my life.

Pia

Sally2222- You are going through so much right now. Please remember to take care of you. Breathe, go for a walk, watch a comedy.
I'm so sorry your husband is not there for you the way he should be.I'm sending you hugs.
Do you have to go back to work or can you take a few days off.

Sally2222

Thank your for your reply, this site always helps, I can thank my lucky stars im alone at home today so i can take some time to myself.

patientlywaitin

I know exactly how you feel. I'm dealing with the same issues tonight, except for your father, I hope he finds peace soon. I have a really hard time being able to even talk civilly and respectively to my rah about things that relate to his indescretions. He gets upset and shuts down on me no matter how rational I'm being and it hurts. It hurts to feel like you can't talk to the man you have always stood by and taken care of, sometimes you don't need them to be a super hero, just to listen to you. As far as the trust thing goes, my previous therapist said it will happen in its own time and for some people it never does. I'm still trying to figure out when that will be. I know things have gotten better but it just isn't there yet. I feel proud of myself for working diligently on controlling the thoughts and behaviors that stem from the mistrust but I'm reminded everytime I need to talk it out with my H that it's not over and he cannot fix that for me.

As far as your rah's sobriety you have to understand that it's up to him. I pushed my H into treatment and he went but I can't keep him from drinking. He has to do that part and has chosen wisely for a little over a yr now, yours is at 4! That's an accomplishment and I know how hard it can be for a spouse to deal with as well. So congratulations to him and you as well, you have had a lot on your plate and a lot of changes to cope with but you have made it this far and that says a lot. I struggle with change to. I don't think I've had my foot on the ground long enough to ever catch my balance and it makes everything feel unnatural and chaotic. I tell myself that it's only temporary but that really just means that another imbalance is just around the corner. Deep breaths

I can't offer any advice, just know your not alone. I'm going to look for a therapist Monday. Maybe you could use it to? Even without the history with your husband you have a lot going on. I hope things get better for you

Seren

Hi Sally, You know, you sound a lot like me after my husband (ex) had his affair. I eventually had to decide whether or not I could trust him again if he could also do what was needed on his part to heal the relationship. The counselor told us (the one appoint to which he actually showed) that no matter how hard he worked or how open and honest and transparent he was with his actions--if I did not ultimately think I could forgive him and move forward, it would not work.

I had a tendency to get a bit too wrapped up in my own thoughts and fears and had to begin to look outward. What helped me very much was therapy during that time. Ultimately, my husband and I split, but I am forever better because of my time in individual counseling.

I hope you will consider that as an option for you. I hope today will be a better day

Lewis73

I spent the last 2 years of my marriage living like this....I've come learn that trust issues are as destructive as drinking (at least for me).

My entire life was devoted to her....but not really, it was devoted to wondering where she was going, what she was thinking!

There were reasons for that, but it's not relevant...we could never have rebuilt our lives together because of trust (even if she stopped drinking)

The lengths I went to to check up on her embarrass me now....more so because I neglected my kids and my in order to do it!

Having let go of her, only recently, I can tell you that the issues you face may disappear very quickly. I no longer care what my wife does or who she sees...as long as she's happy.

I love her more now than at any point in the last few years.....because I no longer worry about trusting her. What I thought was love, last year, was .... But it was more as well, and it was bad stuff...it was my insecurity, my fear of losing her. With those feelings gone i am just left with loving her, as a very dear friend.

I hope, if she ever gets the drunk under control she will feel the same...but if she doesn't, she doesn't.

This is not a recommendation to split.....just that, if you aren't because you are afraid....maybe don't be.