CPGirl84

My currently clean AH said this the other night "The worst thing you can do for someone trying to change is bring up the past."

Do you agree or disagree? This statement was basically made about recovery but can extend to any other bad behaviors someone is trying to change or correct.

I understand that in his mind the only way to move on is to leave the past behind, but it's hard for me to get in the "never talk about the past" "Forget what the last two years were like" mindset in regards to his drug use.

MsPINKAcres

((CP))

I'm not sure how long your AH has been clean but this is how I look at things. . .

I use the past actions and todays actions to base my decisions on what is healthiest for me today ~ if someone has a chronic history of stealing from my purse, then I am going to make sure my purse is put away is a safe place - where they have no access. I don't have to tell them this, or make a big announcement about it - I just do it, because it's healthy for me.

Now if over the next period of time, I see this person change, I see honest, no stealing, respect of my things and nothing missing ~ then I might be able to be a little more trusting ~ but only after past unsafe behaviors have been replaced with healthier behaviors.

I'm not constantly telling this person I don't trust you - I am just making wiser choices based on proven untrustworthy behaviors.

My choices should not have anything to do with their recovery or their choices ~

just my e, s, & h ~

wishing you & your family the best
pink hugs

CPGirl84

I'm not constantly telling this person I don't trust you - I am just making wiser choices based on proven untrustworthy behaviors.

I agree, I do the same. I don't even think I had said anything that day he just kinda said it out of the blue. Problem is if anything implies what happened in the past he takes it personally so I have to watch what I say. And he's been clean about 3, almost 4 months now.

interrupted

I think talking about the past is an important part of your own recovery. I was very hurt by the things that my sister and mother did to me and the way that they treated me, I needed to talk about those things in order to begin working through the pain so that I could release all of that baggage that was weighing me down. But the best place to do that is at our own recovery meetings, our own therapy sessions, our own forums, etc. Generally speaking, someone who is active in their addiction or new in their recovery is not going to be a very productive sounding board for our pain. We still need to recover from that pain, but they are not the best candidates to help us do so. In most cases, they are the worst.

So do I think you should bring up the past? I do, you need to heal from the hurt that you feel. But should you do that with him? Probably not right now. I know that in my situation, it just wasn't possible to move forward without first getting some separation between us. At first it's just too raw, too hurtful, any attempts at communication quickly escalated way beyond anything productive into more anger, frustration, and pain. I had to limit contact for a while to gain a clear perspective on myself and the situation.

You need to heal, and talking about the ways that you are hurting are part of that healing. You can be healthy and have joy, you deserve to be happy. The best way to do that is to focus on your own recovery, not his.

CPGirl84

Yea simply reading here has helped me to disengage with his recovery and focus on my own, so I'm making progress at least a little. I guess what I really need as well is more distance from him in order to really process and heal, and he wants more closeness with me because it helps him in his recovery I think.