alphaomega

I have finally accepted that alcohol and I must part ways forever. In the past, I lamented over my perceived "loss" of it.

In the beginning of this journey of sobriety I genuinely thought I would never not want it. I thought about it constantly and left myself openings in case I couldn't bear life without it. What a joke. I thought about drinking poison as a means to coping with life. ?!?! Think about that for a moment...

That is straight up cray cray.

Now I am filled with gratitude to never have to drink again. It's like I've had a brain shift. The sheer insanity of thinking I was "facing" life or escaping life, or living life while intoxicated or hung over has me totally mind boggled.

What the hell was I thinking ? No seriously. What ?

I'm so greatful to NEVER have to drink again. No more having to vacillate back and forth on the exhausting hamster wheel of drunk/hungover rinse repeat.

Hi, I'm Tracy. And I'm a grateful, recovering, alcoholic.

Dee74

There was a moment, maybe two months in, when suddenly the scales fell from my eyes and I looked back at 20 years and the reality of what I'd been doing winded me.

I like to say I was restored to my right mind. May I never lose it again.
years later, I'm still very glad, everyday, to know I've left those days behind.

welcome to the club Tracy

D

anchorbird

Hello Tracy, I am Lindsey, also a grateful, recovering, alcoholic. Thank you SO MUCH for your post this morning!

opentorecieve

Hi Tracy and Congratulations on your mind shift. While I'm not quite there yet your post gives me hope that one day the obsession will lift. I'm grateful for your post

Ghostlight1

Hello, and welcome.

No, you never have to drink again. It's an amazing revalation isn't it? That we CAN recover.
I was like you, on the hampster wheel of drinking and being hungover. Oh, the time I wasted, the living I missed.
Now I've learned if I don't have the first drink I won't get drunk.
This has kept me sober for two years ten months.

Thanks for your great post. It'll help me sober one more day.

Clemence

Thank you so much for your post Tracy. And Dee too for your beautiful response, which I also really relate to. It's starting to become clear to me too. All those years, decades, but finally I think maybe I can do this and it's exciting.

minouminou

Hi Tracy! I'm Sarah, and I am an alcoholic. I have a little over three months sober and lately I have found myself frequently thinking "wow, I am so grateful I don't have to live like that anymore." I DON'T have to drink today! I think I am finally starting to understand what people mean by "happy, joyous, and free."

freshstart57

I was so miserable at the end that when that acceptance came, I got kinda giddy. The relief was almost palpable. It was the continual battering of my self esteem, the anxiety, the sheer self destruction I had been committing, the lying, and just living in a way that went against who I had planned to be.
Did I choose to not do that for a day? Nah. It was the 'for good' part that made it stick. I made the decision to never go there again. And it is beautiful to see you come to this place too, AO. This drinking for you had a beginning, and now it has an end.

Awesome. Onward!

IOAA2

Congratulations on you reality awareness, it's a great start. I suggest you save your post to re read in the future in case your facing bad moments as it's a good remember when. BE WELL

Croissant

Thanks Alpha and everyone else for your posts. Helps me to see the way.

Bad week.

alphaomega

Something profound happened during my last slip.

I was at the ocean with my husband for our 18th anniversary. I drank the first night and proceeded to cry the next 4 days. I was borderline suicidal. Who is borderline suicidal on vacation at the ocean ? Chemically, I had crossed a line. And I knew with ONE MORE DRINK, I would be no longer flirting with a couple bottles of wine a night, I would be drinking around the clock, all day, every day.

I got down on my knees and begged the God I knew to let me live again.

Kinda like George in Its A Wonderful Life.

minouminou

I was also on vacation at the beach when I "crossed a line" and truly knew I had to stop. I can really identify with what you are saying overall, too -- for more than just the common location.

Melina

I'm so happy for you, AO!

Keep it up!

Croissant

Thanks again, so much. I feel lost right now, read my earlier posts from a few weeks ago and think, what, who was that person, I want to be her.

It's scary to put into words how I feel right now.

This is nowhere anything like a life.

jdooner

Congrats Tracy, nice to meet you. I too am an alcoholic. Its funny how recovery and sobriety ruins the ability to drink again. Sounds like you may have had a spiritual awakening. Usually a resolute to never touch a drink again follows - this is known as the pink cloud effect. Enjoy it to its fullest!

Croissant - how about starting another thread so we can provide some support and see if we can help figuring out what is causing you to feel so down?

IOAA2

I and many in the program and on these forums as well suffer from relapses because a head full of AA, and or here, and a belly of booze is a horrible feeling. For me the before was "I didn't know what I didn't know." After some sober time the result was guilt, shame and failure. Tough to deal with for newly sober. BE WELL

changeiscoming

Hi Tracy,

I always looked at not drinking as a bad thing too. Then I decided to celebrate it. Its a good thing to end my relationship with alcohol. I know I have some rough spots to conquer but I try to keep it positive.

Croissant

Sorry, I was thanking Alpha for her honesty as it helped me, I'll move on, thanks. Sorry.

Renarde

I think jd was suggesting a thread for you so we can get you some more help and support! No one should be feeling so sad. Hugs.

Croissant

Jdooner, please do not aggressively pm me about your way to sobriety, thank you. I asked you to stop as you do not know my path with religion or AA. I asked you to not pm me. Thanks.