Katchie

I don't know why, but today I have had a rush of anger over me. I haven't lashed out verbally at anyone and have tried to just be normal but the anger isn't going away. AH hasn't done anything and has been clean for a little over a week. He had a very bad headache this morning verging on a migraine, which I believe is part of his detoxing but he doesn't seem to make that connection so I don't say anything. But I'm just angry and I think it's at him. I know that's not normal or right and I'm not really being very fair. How do you all get over anger?

steelman1649

Have you ever deflated an air mattress and started to roll it up just to realize there was more air trapped in it that needed released? That's how it is for me. I do healthy things and make healthy choices which has release most of my anger, but occasionally more "air" was trapped in and needed released.

It's normal! Just deal with it in the right way.

SparkleKitty

What do you mean it's not 'normal or right'? Of course it's both. And it's what you feel.

I don't try to get over anger. I just try not to act on it. Or to judge myself for feeling it. Emotions are like sweat, they happen whether we like them or not. Ever try to stop yourself from sweating?? We can't. Nor do we judge ourselves for it!

You've been living in an incredibly stressful and difficult situation. Anger is a perfectly normal response as we see more clearly things we were denying before. It's just more information for you as you proceed through recovery.

dandylion

Katchie--here is my hunch on this: I suspect that you have been denying and "stuffing" your emotions for a long time. So many times, I read, on here, that--after waiting for so long and tolerating so much while waiting for the alcoholic to quit drinking (so that all will be right in the world, again)....they are shocked and dismayed that they are filled with anger and fear...rather than the relief that they were expecting.

Early recovery seems to stress the loved ones as much as the alcoholic. Who knew?

At least, these are my thoughts on it.

dandylion

FireSprite

Anger is extremely normal - it's when you let it run wild & free & unchecked that it becomes trouble. Turning it into revenge would be wrong, but working through it in healthy ways can only benefit you.

I think the best thing you can do is work to identify the true roots of what is creating the feeling of anger & deal with THAT issue as much as possible. Sometimes you just have to embrace & acknowledge it in order to release it.

Katchie

Thanks, what a great analogy

Katchie

I suspect you're probably right. Not sure what to do with that.

Katchie

I'm not sure what that really is. He isn't an abuser physically or emotionally; shoot, most of the time no one would know he has been drinking! The kids love him and look up to him (as kids should of their father, but ugh on one level), he's a great provider, coaches all the kids stuff... Ugh.. I could go on but not necessary.

trixie56

Good question. For the first couple of months after my XABF suddenly stood me up one day and went AWOL, I felt like I was totally drowning in anger. Sure I was depressed and hurt and many other emotions, but it seemed like the anger was the worst. A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I'd seemed to be holding onto it, and keeping myself from moving forward (not intentionally, of course). From then on, whenever I found myself dwelling in the sea of anger again, I gently re-directed my mind towards....less damaging ways of thinking.

I do still get angry about it at times, but I do think that's normal. It's normal for any of us to feel anger, and the important thing is to be aware of it and intervene when you find that it's becoming self destructive. I wish there was a trick to 'getting over' the anger, but I think the best thing, is time.....With time it seems all things heal, in their own way.

lettingonow

I feel a lot of anger too and have a hard time being ice to my qualifiers right now. It's difficult to not express what you really think and feel which is what we end up doing often. They keep pushing your buttons and it feels deliberate. I'd love to hear more suggestions on expressing anger in a healthy non explosive way.

NYCDoglvr

HUH? It certainly IS normal. It's what we do with the anger that matters. In Alanon I learned to put the focus on myself and ask "what's my part in this?" In my case it was choosing an alcoholic and continuing to stay with him. And there were times when I was sarcastic, cutting and acted superior. When I factored that in, took responsibility for my own words and actions, my anger dissipated.

isitme

Since I don't have any great advice I'll just share my side of this anger thing....

I feel angry right now. He's trying to get better and I really want that for him. He hasn't quit drinking, but I really don't care. What's making me angry is his actions of superiority. I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I want this for you.. But I'm angry because I don't believe any of it yet. It all still feels like it can and will crumble at any moment. Like it just one more big lecture flowing out his mouth that will mean nothing in the end. I'm not buying it. I'm angry because deep down I see that; I know it won't change. Yet I keep holding on. I'm angry at myself for not living my life, doing the things I love and letting him hold my emotions. It's not even his fault. But I'm angry that it went this far, because I don't think I can ever get those old feelings back and that means I need to take action.. and I don't want to.

Johnston

I picture the anger like an allergic substance that will cause me discomfort. I hate allergic reactions.

FireSprite

My anger wasn't typically surfacing due to something happening right now - it was more so being affected by old stuff popping back up that I had unresolved, or hadn't known was an issue until "More was revealed" during his recovery efforts. It seemed like the more he healed, the more I fell apart. He might have been getting over things, but some of them were new to me.

I was angry that he seemed to have a wonderful network of help, literally never more than a phone call away. I was angry that it was all HIS fault and I was paying the consequences. I was angry that while he was getting better I was falling apart & yet still had to continue taking care of all the details of our lives while he lived One Day At A Time. I was angry that he had hidden his drinking from me, and that I felt like a fool. I felt like every other person around us knew the truths & I was the blind sheep. I was angry that I consider myself a strong person & yet here I was, feeling victimized. I was angry that he had created huge financial problems for our family. I was angry that I had unwittingly played a role in all of it. I was angry that after having an alcholic father, I missed the signs of it in my husband (even though they were very, very different people & situations). I was angry at feeling completely out of control of where my life was & where it was going. Sometimes I was JUST angry.

FireSprite

It's come up on the board before, one method that I like to physically work through anger is to literally throw rocks. In the past I have also taken the time to paint the rocks with the words that express my anger, hauled them to a lake or beach & heave them one by one into the deep water.

I've been known to lock myself in a closet when I am home alone & simply scream until I feel better.

Sometimes I watch or read something that will encourage me to cry and then just let it flow, it's a tremendous release.

Exercise helps me too - aerobic activity when I am boiling with anger; yoga when I'm feeling sentimental & reflective & trying to riddle through something mentally.

I hope this helps!

m1k3

Time is a great healer as well. One way for me to get rid of the anger was to journal. Simply write stream of thought what you are feeling. You will be surprised at what comes out. I think my biggest shock was when I wrote 4 or so pages about how mad I was at me for putting myself in a position to be hurt over and over again.

I will tell you that each entry hurt to write it but it was like draining pus from a wound, I felt so much better afterwards.


I stopped journaling when I got to the point I didn't have anything to say anymore. I'd sit there and stare at the paper or maybe write about how much better life was. That took a while but it felt great to be there.


Your friend,

lettingonow

Really helpful comments here thank you all. I especially like the rock throwing idea. One thing I do like to do is play my guitar and sing. I always feel like playing when I'm sad. I might try playing when Im mad.

I have a part two to this question. What a good thing to say to an alcoholic that tells you they've stopped drinking? Especially when you still feel like punching them in the face and punishing them for all the trouble they caused? Everything I imagine saying sounds snarky!

steelman1649

As an FYI, always make sure you roll up the air mattress toward the air release valve. That way there is no self-inflicted air pockets.

That is both a real tip and accidentally a figurative one LOL.

Hammer

So if I am understanding all this correctly -- one can release anger by farting?

Let me go try. Will report back.

Katchie

I don't want to either! All of this tension is screwing with my neck and shoulder on top of it!