Finding a good Alanon meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Finding a good Alanon meeting
I have been visiting Alanon groups for a couple of years. I have been married for almost 25 years to a man whose drinking has escalated over the last 10 years. About 2 years ago he went into a 30 day program, did well for a year and then despite AA is falling off the wagon. My life is a mess and I have alot of decisions to make. I need to hear and talk to people who can relate to the issues of living with an alcoholic I would love to be able to find a "home" group but what I have found in at least three of the groups I have tried are people that are there because they seem to be lonely souls who know they have an outlet to talk because no one would ever ask them to leave the group. There is no qualifier for them. My days are long and by the time the meeting is starting I am doing everything I can to stay alert. And then you have someone who spends 15 minutes talking about the candy bowl on her desk. Or. a story about a second cousin's cat. Then there is another Alanon group that meets on a Saturday that is just too large. 50-60 people.
I would love to find a group where I can enjoy the people there and not cringe when I walk in the door.
I would love to find a group where I can enjoy the people there and not cringe when I walk in the door.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I know it can be frustrating, but keep trying! It took me about 6 or 8 different meetings before I found a coupel of groups that really clicked for me. I actually found a larger group to be pretty great once i got used to it. During the meeting it was more about the topics to share than the number of attendees. i found that when I made a conscious decision to come early and stay later, that I got to know some folks better, found peopole I could really realate with and felt much more comfortable in the group. Some of the friendships I made in meetings have been long lasting.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Winnie--I can relate to what you're saying about people who go on and on about unrelated things and who seem to have no qualifier to be at the meeting. It can surely be frustrating. Here are some ideas that might help, depending on the situation at these meetings:
One thing I've seen at a number of meetings is that when the opening to the meeting is read, those who share during the meeting are asked to limit their shares to 5 minutes. In some meetings, the chance to speak passes around the circle until 15 minutes before the meeting is scheduled to end. At that point, anyone else who wishes to speak raises their hand and the group leader/secretary will call on them. Both of these seem to work fairly well to limit rambling, whether on or off topic.
If the group is large and only the first few people ever get the chance to speak due to sheer numbers, this is something else I've seen done: People go around the circle and count off by 3's, 4's, whatever, and then when the chance to share passes around the circle, only the 2's or only the 3's will get the opportunity. Often this is combined w/leaving the last 15 minutes open for anyone who wishes to speak, as mentioned above.
Also I've seen where the group will count off after the opening has been read and then split into that number of subgroups. While I liked this idea a lot at first, I've since come to prefer that the group remains together--I like to hear what EVERYONE has to say. But it's another way things can be done.
As mentioned above, sometimes you just need to try some other meetings--but you may be limited regarding how many meetings you have to choose from, to start with, and then further limited by whether they are at a time of day where you can attend. In that case, you kind of have to work w/what you've got. A great meeting that goes on at 1 PM isn't too helpful if you have to work then (unless you can possibly flex your work schedule somehow? Maybe another thought?).
As mentioned above, sometimes it can work out very well to go for coffee or a snack after the meeting w/some members that you would like to talk more with/hear more from. If after the meeting is too late, maybe another day and time. Who knows, this could evolve into a regular thing and maybe even a meeting of its own, somewhere down the road.
One more thought that comes to me: Do you have a sponsor? Would that maybe be helpful, considering that you've been in the program for some time and it sounds like you're ready to dig deeper into the steps and what Alanon is all about?
I hope something I've said sounds as if it might be useful. If you do try any of the suggestions, I'd sure like to hear back from you as to how it turned out. If you're frustrated w/the situation, chances are good you're not the only one who is, and you may find more support for making a change than you suspected.
Best wishes!
One thing I've seen at a number of meetings is that when the opening to the meeting is read, those who share during the meeting are asked to limit their shares to 5 minutes. In some meetings, the chance to speak passes around the circle until 15 minutes before the meeting is scheduled to end. At that point, anyone else who wishes to speak raises their hand and the group leader/secretary will call on them. Both of these seem to work fairly well to limit rambling, whether on or off topic.
If the group is large and only the first few people ever get the chance to speak due to sheer numbers, this is something else I've seen done: People go around the circle and count off by 3's, 4's, whatever, and then when the chance to share passes around the circle, only the 2's or only the 3's will get the opportunity. Often this is combined w/leaving the last 15 minutes open for anyone who wishes to speak, as mentioned above.
Also I've seen where the group will count off after the opening has been read and then split into that number of subgroups. While I liked this idea a lot at first, I've since come to prefer that the group remains together--I like to hear what EVERYONE has to say. But it's another way things can be done.
As mentioned above, sometimes you just need to try some other meetings--but you may be limited regarding how many meetings you have to choose from, to start with, and then further limited by whether they are at a time of day where you can attend. In that case, you kind of have to work w/what you've got. A great meeting that goes on at 1 PM isn't too helpful if you have to work then (unless you can possibly flex your work schedule somehow? Maybe another thought?).
As mentioned above, sometimes it can work out very well to go for coffee or a snack after the meeting w/some members that you would like to talk more with/hear more from. If after the meeting is too late, maybe another day and time. Who knows, this could evolve into a regular thing and maybe even a meeting of its own, somewhere down the road.
One more thought that comes to me: Do you have a sponsor? Would that maybe be helpful, considering that you've been in the program for some time and it sounds like you're ready to dig deeper into the steps and what Alanon is all about?
I hope something I've said sounds as if it might be useful. If you do try any of the suggestions, I'd sure like to hear back from you as to how it turned out. If you're frustrated w/the situation, chances are good you're not the only one who is, and you may find more support for making a change than you suspected.
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe look to see if there are any step meetings as apposed to open or closed al-anon meetings.
Believe me I understand your frustrations with the sharing by people who no longer have qualifiers or try and take up all the time with their own issues. Part of that problem is with the person running the meetings, they need to limit the talkers but since most of the people in those rooms are people pleasing codies that doesn't happen like it should.
Try allot of different meetings and when one feels comfortable stick with it for while.
The group I chose as my home group had many who shared about candy dishes, cousins cats, aunt marys china......just about everything but more importantly NOT about themselves or their feelings or difficulties accepting the As in their lives. They are sick just like the rest of us with our thinking and may never grasp what the program is all about but they are there and if they weren't there they may not hear what they need to hear in order to help them move forward.
Believe me I understand your frustrations with the sharing by people who no longer have qualifiers or try and take up all the time with their own issues. Part of that problem is with the person running the meetings, they need to limit the talkers but since most of the people in those rooms are people pleasing codies that doesn't happen like it should.
Try allot of different meetings and when one feels comfortable stick with it for while.
The group I chose as my home group had many who shared about candy dishes, cousins cats, aunt marys china......just about everything but more importantly NOT about themselves or their feelings or difficulties accepting the As in their lives. They are sick just like the rest of us with our thinking and may never grasp what the program is all about but they are there and if they weren't there they may not hear what they need to hear in order to help them move forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
I only go to meetings with timed shares - usually a 12 minute qualification by someone selected in advance followed by 3 or 4 minute shares. A person volunteers to be the spiritual timekeeper and usually holds a finger up with a one minute warning and then holds up a closed first when the person's time is up. When someone's time is up they have to stop talking period. I find I can really listen with empathy for that short amount of time. Are there any groups with that structure? If not, at a business meeting of a group you've tried could you gently and kindly raise trying out having timed shares?
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