flujays

Hey guys I just wanted to share with you before I go off to my AA meeting today. As some of you may know, I went to my first meeting this time last week. I then went to a further 2 meetings over the next 2 days. I was feeling wonderful like I had 'come home' and really felt like I had turned a corner by actually getting myself to AA and not letting anything stand in my way. I have resolved to continue going. I met some wonderful, amazing and inspirational people there, one of whom has become my sponsor. I see alot of myself in her. I was not able to get to a meeting on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Friday is my 'trigger' day BUT i made it through and was feeling great. I was however struggling with the first step "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". The problem was that I still wasn't quite convinced that I was 'powerless' or that I was really and truly an alcoholic, and the unmanageable bit? Well, I'm not on the street, my kids are well fed, clean and happy and I can function pretty well most days. Then came Saturday. On a spur of the moment I invited some friends over for dinner. It wasn't planned (or so I thought at the time) and I relapsed and drank 2 bottles of wine that night even though I told myself I'd only have 2 glasses. I woke up in the morning a mess and emotionally broken. How am I going to go back to AA and tell them what I've done I asked myself. How can i log on to SR and admit defeat again? Instead of hiding and lying i chose to get back up again and learn from my experience. I called my sponsor and we talked it through. What I learned after really doing some very honest soul searching out of this is that this relapse was a good thing because it helped me do the first step and it has helped me see just how sick I really am. After all i said in that meeting and on here in my earlier post about my first meeting, all truth and all from the heart, all the fear, anxiety and love for my children I talked about and yet, still, I drank on Saturday. It proved to me that I truly am powerless over alcohol once it's in my system. Then I started thinking about my life. And several startling revelations came to light... I cannot manage my feelings around fear and anxiety about the future and the futures of my children if I continue to drink. I cannot manage my weight, I cannot manage the financial affairs of our family business because I keep on forgetting things and being late for things like quarterly business activity statements (BAS), I cannot manage my guilt around hiding and lying to the people I love, in a nutshell, my life HAS become unmanageable. So instead of beating myself up over it, I'm dusting myself off, going to a meeting today and being proud of the progress I've made over the last week because I do believe now, I have worked the first step.

unchartedxo

I feel that way a lot too.... I look at the people around me, people who are full on highly functioning alcoholics, and I think "I don't really have a problem"! I can even have one beer, one glass of wine, etc... but then, one day, out of no where, my one beer turns into an all day binge-a-thon... and I wake up like you.... a mess and emotionally broken. It sucks. I am still not where you are; I haven't gone to a meeting, and I still can't use the word "alcoholic" in relation to myself. I give you mad props for being able to recognize it, dust yourself off and start new. I am still stuck in the cycle of self pity :-/

flujays

You can do this, I can do this too. We just have to really want it with our whole being. I know myself I have to stop being a victim and start DOING instead of saying I will do. I wish you the best, you can do it, get to a meeting, it's only a couple of hours out of your life but it could very well save you.

least

What I learned from my last, my very last relapse, is that I can never have even one drink ever again. Once I got my head around that the rest was easier to manage.

Correy

Fantastic!!
A real life take on - "forgive yourself and do it differently next time."

Good luck.

sugarbear1

concede to your inner most self that you can not drink safely

read the doctor's opinion and keep talking with your sponsor!

TempeBrenn

Flujays,
Your post is inspiring. I hear myself in it. Thank you.

Gottalife

Great post flujays
I relate totally. The biggest issue I had with unmanageability was that I was unable to manage the decision I made a thousnad times, to never drink again. I couldn't manage a defense against that first drink.

My last slip was just like yours. it proved once and for all that I have the phenomenon of craving, that once I take that first drink, there is no telling what will happen. My last effort was to have a couple of beers and be home by 6. got home by 6 alright, just 4 days later!

Then I did what you are doing and, through the grace of the God of my understanding, have not needed to take a drink since, no matter what. That was over 33 years ago.

LittleSparrow

Flujays, you just made a lightbulb go on over my head. The "once it's in my system" part had not sunk in for me until reading your post. I can't take the first drink. Once it's in my system, I'm done for. I might be able to have one, two, three nights of having maybe 2 drinks, but it tricks me into thinking I can control it when really it's just setting in motion the cycle of alcohol controlling me. I've tried moderation enough to know that it never stays moderated for me, but I don't think I had truly made that connection until I read your post. I wasn't sure about being powerless over alcohol because I can get through days without it, but now I get it. I truly can't thank you enough.

LadyinBC

Ditto for me too. I kept trying to control it. Wasn't happening and needed to change my thinking. I had to accept that I was the problem and needed to change ME.

afloatsober

Flujays

My powerlessness is my obsessive thought that one drink wont hurt me, pushing aside all experience and thought of the hell it has taken me to in the past.
Then:
I drink one, and because i develop a physical craving 1 becomes 2 and 2 becomes 4 and so on..... I am chemically wired to drink now!
My unmanageability has to do with my thinking and actions.
My obsessive thoughts,irrational fear, over-sensitivity, anger and resentment,emotional insecurity, low self esteem, OVERBLOWN EGO..... and so on.
Step 1 revealed all of this stuff.
Rest of the steps help me to deal with it.
When i've done i have changed.
Spiritual change/experience.

Thanks for your honesty and commitment to recovery.

Gx

flujays

Thanks Gottalife, your post gave me goosebumps. Sound like you really have 'Gottalife'. You are an inspiration. Thanks.

flujays

Littlesparrow, you put in words exactly what I was trying to say, only I left out the part about lulling me into a false sense of security which inevitably brings me back to our of control drinking and YOUR post helped me gain even MORE clarity. Thank you so much for replying, SR is honestly such a wonderful place.

flujays

Brilliant post, I can relate to ALL of what you said about unmanageability. Thank god I can now see exactly how 'unmanageable' my life has become.

TomSawyer

I see a lot of myself in your post flujays. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but part of me feels like I needed my last relapse. It really hit home the fact that I cannot drink a drop of alcohol. Here's to the future for both of us!