Bdrign

I relapsed on hydrocodone the past month or so. I was clean for over a month and just decided to buy a few. I have been taking them since then. Not every day but enough to make me feel awful about myself. I am going to stop again. I don't think I really have to worry about physical wd but I don't want this to happen again. I want to stop for good. I wasn't aware I even felt PAWS but obviously I was. Anyone have any advice on conquering PAWS? So ashamed right now.

Threshold

I found drugs much harder to put down than booze. I know I am still tempted, when I see them (when BF gets them after a tooth pull for instance)...

The way I deal with it is to remind myself that I have committed to never picking up again, and that is that. I tell myself "NO!", it's just no longer an option. Simple, but not always easy.

Saying "NO!" right off the bat keeps me from starting the mental gymnastics and rationalization. No arguing, no "just this oncing", no "oh, it doesn't really matter."

I can't even let myself go there...because for me, that thinking set off adrenalin/endorphins. It was part of the whole process...getting me juiced up inside, making me want it more, the thrill of thinking, planning, looking forward to. Gotta nip even that thinking in the bud.

"NO!"

Like smacking a newspaper against my hand when the puppy "gets that look in its eye" and immediately taking myself out of the situation.

TiredEnough

Threshold, you are absolutely right. Sayin no, no, no in every situation life sends you is the only way. A defined, clear medical need under supervision is the only exception there is.

liv1ce

I fully agree. NO! is the only answer there is. One month clean is a victory in itself but really isn't very long to think one has "beaten" the beast. Reality is that the instant response never goes away. You will always recognize the little pill bottle with the red or yellow warning label on it. The shape of the pill can set you off with that instantaneous flicker of recognition and surge of memory and desire.

For myself I had to question the "medical necessity" as the ticket for the last trip to hell I took was exactly that. It not only brought back the thinking and recognition but the actual feeling, the high I seemed to unknowingly miss so much.

This last time when I said NO! I meant no pain pills ever, no matter what. I have been through at least 2 recognized painful conditions - shingles being one - without meds. It wasn't hard and truthfully I think the pain pills make the pain worse. It certainly does for me anyway. The instant I feel the high I begin planning for how I am going to get the next prescription.

18 months now and it definitely is easier but the recognition is still there.

KateL

sorry, wrong thread. oops!

mkintexas

For one thing. Try and record this feeling RIGHT NOW. I am in your boat. I was on Sub for 8 measly days. I was actually content on them. Not happy. But not unhappy. Then I thought I could enjoy a couple of days taking the remaining oxy I had. That was 3 weeks ago and I am now in full blown relapse. I have not been to a meeting. But now I know what 1 is too many and 1000 is not enough means. We can't mess with this stuff ever.

I am in active addiction right now and I am trying to record what I am going through. The guilt. The shame. The counting of pills. The worry about my supply. All of this garbage that comes with pills so I can replay it the next time I think I can have just 1.

Good luck to you.

likehappiness

MK Start over. Dump the pills and start over. I did after a relapse and I found out that I couldn't use again. You can do it. You now have the knowledge that you can't use and what it leads to. Cold turkey it again. Get someone to help you do it. You have done it once. Do it again. Been where you are. You are gonna have to give up the self loathing or you will never stay sober. It happened. Now do something to fix it.

finaltime

Glad I read this right now. I have been doing mental gymnastics the past 5 minutes thinking about how I just need a refill because I have a headache and backache and feel like crap today. BUT I DO NOT NEED THEM. I DO NOT.

mkintexas

You are correct. You don't need them. These things are a massive mind f***

NEVER relapse. For me this time is MUCH harder to quit.

But I think this relapse talked me one thing. Never to pick up just one again.

finaltime

Mk, so what are you waiting for? If you are like me, you are thinking you can't be sick. You are better off using. However, we know better. You are on SR for a reason. you want to be free from in complete control from a single pill. How much do you spend a week on pills?