opentorecieve

I'm so grateful to have finally signed up. It's been a helluva 3 years and SR has been here through it all. I've read, researched and absorbed so much and feel its time to join the community!
I am an opiate addict in recovery after a 3 year long relapse. Opiates have been in my life over a decade and have wreaked havoc on every facet of my life. It was love at first pill for me...I was always experimenting with drugs but the euphoric buzz from pills hooked me hard. In the past 3 years my use increased FAST. The walls crashed in quickly and violently, I've done some terrible things of which I cannot yet speak, even to my supportive husband. Multiple trips to detox, suboxone and Inpatient rehab and I kept picking up again and again. I've been in withdrawals what seems like 50% of the past year. No way to live.
September 16 I braced myself for another cold turkey attempt. I came clean to my exasterbated husband and family and I don't know what's different...but I'm at day 35. I can hardly believe it and hesitated typing because I don't want to jinx it. It just feels different this time. I use many recovery tools including rehab aftercare, NA, yoga/mediation/reiki and more recently..praying.
My biggest struggle is I'm feeling better physically, but struggling with day to day activities. I feel so very restless. I can't seem to find my clean personality. I struggle to even make conversation sometimes. I just feel so...uninteresting. Love some advice from you all. Thanks for being there from me through the years. Just for today I will not use :-)

finaltime

open, WAY TO GO!!!!!!! I am also a huge opiate addict in recovery. If you are ever bored, read through my past threads. They also took over my life, I lost a TON, house, retirement, husband, I stole, I lied, I cheated, I was on them for years and years. IT's no way to live. I love this new found freedom and this time around its only been since last friday. I seem to love my affair with them, but also hate it.

Very proud of you.

DecBaby

It sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. I was just saying something to my therapist about I don't know who I am. I'm 29 but I started drugs and alcohol young, became a mom young and was in a terrible marraige. Its only now that I'm just being me and trying to figure out what me is. To others I have a very boring uninteresting life. To me I find it peaceful working on my life and me. I'm not here for others entertainment. And you're not either. You seem very focused on recovery and that's very interesting and beautiful.

mkintexas

Congratulations on 35 days. I hope to be where you are in about 38 days. I have no real advice accept hang in there. You were a 10 year addict. 35 days isn't enough "bill to pay". It will take a while to find your sober self. Try to live every minute of the journey to
Find it.

opentorecieve

Thanks so much, you're responses make me feel so very...understood. Love it. I'm at the point right now where my addict brain is sayin HEY! You would get a tremendous buzz and NOT be sick if you used a small amount. I call BS tho. I know better. I'm so sick of evaluating my life on degree of dopesickness, if that makes any sense. I've been down this road enough times to know that is how snorting one pill would end. MK I love what you said about "bill to pay" its so true. Opiates keep a ledger I swear and you ALWAYS pay. There is no way around that. In my experience trying to fool that ledger ended in a higher bill to pay. Whether it be tapering (epic fail) or suboxone (even worse withdrawals) we must pay that bill. Sitting at 35 days I realize I'm no where close but closer every day and that makes me very proud.