Aiko

I really have tried since 20/02/2012.

And I just can not stop, I have periods I keep away but I keep on bouncing.

I am getting the hunger to take anything again!!!
I am smoking stuff again and I stole my friends beer last night, really sadddd, and ended up with a vodka....

I feel really bad I am tired of trying but not actually stooping fully.
I feel stuck in the middle No in No out, is a nightmare.
I want more and know I can not loose it again I can not go back.



Is destroying my sanity, I am medicated ,I really got ill in the head.
And still thinking I want more... If I was intelligent why do I do the things I do??? I had to stay at home tonight could not face a drinks menu again...

I can not get out, I am better but can not get out.
I am worried my close friends will leave me.
They are getting sick and tired to tell me to quit and go to AA.

And outside everybody thinks I am great and they have not got a clue...
It is hard to keep appearances specially with family...
my father is a alcoholic and a vending machine man... , and my younger brother smokes, and my mum just can not do it to her...my older brother died she suffered so much.

At work it is getting harder and harder to concentrate I have to make such an effort mentally, I just pass out looking at the screen... partly due to the meds.

I am starting to get round the fact that I have a problem, and need to stop, but never said it out loud. I do not say what I am...

I need help!!!

ejackson

Aiko, I'm so sorry for this intense struggle you're going through.

Can you try a different approach? Maybe a new plan will inspire change.

I don't know what else to write, except that my thoughts are with you. Take care.

suki44883

What are you doing for support other than just trying to abstain?

soberhawk

I am sorry Aiko.

How can we help?

Are you trying to stop everything; alcohol, pot and medicine or just the alcohol?

Aiko

I only try not to do it by myself, but last year I just kept on taking sleeping tables and lorazepan,,, and now I am on antidepressants...

I do not have any support apart from this site for two weeks, and a couple of friends that do know it but they do not have idea how to handle me...

I have been trying on my own for over 20 months now,
just can not get out...

I have depression and anxiety,...
I am having pressure at work and my left eye lid has been moving for over a week...
I when to doctors and it is my nerves... told me to calm down... hahahaha

And I going back more and more is like a quicksand!!!!
I am getting tired of fighting it DO NOT DO IT....... do not do it...
damn it I just do it...

hayley86

Aiko, i'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling so much. Maybe getting some support and a recovery plan in place would be a good idea?. Can you speak to your doctor and be honest about this?. Having the support of my doctor was really important to my recovery. Best wishes.

ejackson

OK, so you know what doesn't work. Set that aside.

What can you try that's different from all of that? What about AA?

Aiko

My GP is not good. JUst convince her to give me lorazepan and alzaloprams...

My psychiatrist I use him to get pills... and if I tell him I drunk he gets angry I only make excuses to take... but I got an appointment on the 30th...

My psychologist just said I am doing well,... but stopped going what was the point...

My friends insist I got to go to AA, but will not go...

and then I found this website... I am very lucky I found you...

suki44883

SR can be a great support system, but we cannot keep you clean. You have to want that yourself and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Until you are there, nothing much is going to change.

hayley86

Aiko, SR is great for support but if it isn't keeping you clean and sober then maybe you need to try adding in some extra tools to your recovery. There are lots of different recovery methods if you don't want to go to AA. Have you looked if any would work for you?.

Aiko

I just cannnnnntttttttttttt my head will go on an on and on and on
I want to be in peace, and I get it for a while when I get stoned/drunk.
but after I feel like a mess I am not getting out...
I can not say Never when I want moreeeeeeeeeee


I know I have to stop but I just can not stop I am tired to fight it...

I always thought as soon as my parents die I can take all I want and lose myself in it.
I wanted to stop my life for a long time
but I could not do it to them they lost my brother...

It is hell on earth...

Why can I be like the rest??? Normal...
It is my fault I just kept playing with fire and know I am too damn burnt.

Anna

As others have said, clearly you need a different plan. What you have been doing is not working and it's making things worse for you.

What will you do differently this time?

sugarbear1

Stick with us at Sober Recovery!!!

Hugs and love sent your way!

Aiko

I am stuck I need help,

but I just do not know what to do any more....
I tried the doctors...

I got friends that really are in the mud... and do not do anything to stop it.
and I think I can do it by myself.

but I am realizing I can not do it!!!

I would feel stupid going to AA I can see people in really worse state...
besides I do not want to bump onto people...
nobody knows...

I am going mad!!!
this is no life!!!

Anna

You're not stuck Aiko.

You are making a choice to not go to AA which could be a great help you. So, you are not stuck.

By the way, I am not an AA person, but I believe we all need to do whatever it takes.

Aiko

Thank you Anna you are right... it is my choice not to go to AA
I just do not see it as an answer to my problem.
But might look for a far away meeting and give it a try...

I am going on the 7th to walk in the north Spain for 7 days will have plenty of time on my own to think.
But sadly my head plans for taking more before I get there...
I am just going to make it worse... and will stop in the trip... fingers crossed.

Thank you all.... all my love

Quinne

Hi Aiko,
I too had a reluctance to go to AA; I can also relate with trying to stop on my own. I personally believe my thinking cannot fix my thinking-at the very least, guidance from others and listening intently to their experiences helps me. The people that are "worse-off" than you are examples of how much worse it will (not can) get. If you head to a meeting, my suggestion would be to look for the similarities, particularly in thought processes. Hope that helps!

Xx

Charliee

Hi Aiko,
I know what you mean about going to AA alone, it can be hard but when you find the right group of people it can make all the difference. You are reaching out for help and that is the first step, but a I am worried when you say you can't do it. Just try to remember this as it seems to work for me "It's not that can't ever drink again, just not today". Your in the right place, there's a lot of support here. Best of luck to you!!

lommey

I also didn't want to go to AA.I live in a small town and didn't want anyone to know.Plucked up the courage 8 weeks ago it was the best thing I ever did. All sorts of people there with lots of different stories just go once and see how you feel after. Ive got greatb peace and the banjo string in my head isn't just as taut anymore

venuscat

Aiko ~ addiction is a disease. It messes with our brains.
The more we take, the worse it gets.
I know you feel awful right now, but without a change, this will just go on and on.

AA is anonymous. It doesn't matter who knows you; everyone in that room is there for the same reason. We want to get well.

I stayed stuck in the same loop for way too many years;
until we are really willing to say I can't do this my way any more,
we do cannot begin to heal.

Wishing you some peace, and sending you love.

Venus xx