why do people snoop?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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why do people snoop?
since Ive been reading a lot about control issues and snooping, things of this nature, I was wondering why people do this. I knew my husband had a past history of drug use but I never worried about it, then he relapsed. Even when I thought he was acting strange I thought it was stress from work. Now he is coming home and Ive had people say I may become controlling, very worried, snooping, following him. Are there things that start this type of behavior? Is it from fear of relapse, or lack of trust in your partner. Not talking so much about people who are knowingly using and always lying about it, but people who are supposed to have stopped, after rehab for example. My husband will be having drug screens through his employer and I keep thinking if he did relapse again we would all know it quickly this time, checking up on him in-between wouldn't help and would be an invasion of his privacy and a break in our trust. But then he isn't home yet, and I worry I could do something like this instinctively?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Bluechair, In my situation, which is different than yours, my daughters, it's in my nature to worry about our addicted loved one. The number of meetings and councelling sessions and other parents kind of beat the worry and always wondering into me. My daughters are both drug checked each day, but that doesn't stop my parents from asking if they are "clean" or if the therapy is working. I wish I didn't worry so much and wonder and then ask too often if their AV is talking or that they are having cravings. This will help me at least to back off some. It's gotta drive the addict nuts to have so many people have so little faith in them. It's almost like a secret they prefer to keep as private as possible. TF
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I have past behavior of snooping on my addicted loved one. I looked through folders with medical information too see if he was going to doctors to get pain pills. I looked at his emails, checked to see if he was going to counseling sessions, listened to conversations on the phone (is he going to see his medical doctor for pills or psychiatrist for prescribed meds?). I've looked in pockets/drawers for pills. You name it, I've probably done it.
I think it came from a strong desire to want to know right away whether or not he was using. I felt like if I knew the "truth," then I could better prepare for it. I wanted proof so that I could confront him and get him to seek help. It was from a desire to control him--I felt like if he was well (free from drugs), then I would be healthy.
It is an addiction. I would feel uncertain and a almost uncontrollable desire to snoop. Once I started, I wouldn't find what I was looking for -- or, I'd find something that seemed suspicious. That would want me to look through his stuff more or to confront him.
I am much better than I used to be. Sometimes I get the urge -- I might look at his prescription bottle to see what he is taking. I feel bad afterward. I try to think about it from his perspective. How would I like it if he was checking up on me? How would I feel if he went through my medical statements to see what kinds of treatment I was receiving? He is an adult and deserves respect. He has the right to make his own decisions -- including his own decisions about treatment and to make his own mistakes. When I start feeling that way, I picture myself handing him over to his HP and remember that God has a plan for me and him.
I think it came from a strong desire to want to know right away whether or not he was using. I felt like if I knew the "truth," then I could better prepare for it. I wanted proof so that I could confront him and get him to seek help. It was from a desire to control him--I felt like if he was well (free from drugs), then I would be healthy.
It is an addiction. I would feel uncertain and a almost uncontrollable desire to snoop. Once I started, I wouldn't find what I was looking for -- or, I'd find something that seemed suspicious. That would want me to look through his stuff more or to confront him.
I am much better than I used to be. Sometimes I get the urge -- I might look at his prescription bottle to see what he is taking. I feel bad afterward. I try to think about it from his perspective. How would I like it if he was checking up on me? How would I feel if he went through my medical statements to see what kinds of treatment I was receiving? He is an adult and deserves respect. He has the right to make his own decisions -- including his own decisions about treatment and to make his own mistakes. When I start feeling that way, I picture myself handing him over to his HP and remember that God has a plan for me and him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I was a dreadful codie detective and I believe I snooped to validate what I already suspected...that my son was lying to me or using. From his cell phone bill I could tell who he called, who called him and how often. From his pockets I could find his subway transfers and figure out where he had been. I searched his closets and found crushed pop cans stored in the lining of an old jacket...cans he had used for smoking crack in his room.
I knew where to look, how to look and the thing is...I didn't need to look at all. My instincts never lied to me and once I learned to trust my instincts and not believe him when he told me I was crazy and neurotic, I didn't feel a need to ever snoop again. I knew my feelings were valid.
If you are confident in your instincts that may be why you feel no need to snoop. And that's a good thing.
Hugs
I knew where to look, how to look and the thing is...I didn't need to look at all. My instincts never lied to me and once I learned to trust my instincts and not believe him when he told me I was crazy and neurotic, I didn't feel a need to ever snoop again. I knew my feelings were valid.
If you are confident in your instincts that may be why you feel no need to snoop. And that's a good thing.
Hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
I don't know why I do/did snoop exactly. Fear of relapse mostly. Wanting to "know" right away but as a previous poster said, my instincts were never wrong. I just hated being lied to. I told him all the lies and the denial and the making me feel like I was wrong and crazy were all "worse" than the actual dealing with his addiction. There was no reason to snoop. It just made him madder at me, and less likely to tell the truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I thought it was so there was proof of use so there would be no falling for the lies/excuses. I for one should have trusted my gut, but didn't go snooping. I almost wish I had snooped so that all of this had been over sooner than now.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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The answer to this question is pretty simple.
If you had no clue that a person was an addict, you would have no reason to snoop. Period.
When addiction comes into the picture, your instincts tell you that something is wrong, you ask about it hoping for (expecting) an honest answer, you are lied to and told you are crazy.......you want to prove that you're NOT crazy....thus snooping occurs. You need evidence.....snooping often results in the evidence to prove that instincts were correct.
The evidence is provided to the addict. The addict becomes upset and tells the snooper "YOU violated my privacy!!!" The snooper recognizes that the addict is right BUT to defend their actions they retort with "but you LIED to me". Pointing out to the addict that they had a "viable reason" to snoop. The addict (caught in the lie with no reasonable way to deny it often resorts to further lying) says "It's not mine." Or "that was there from a long time ago...I forgot about it."
If a person has never experienced this situation time and time again.....they won't relate to this scenario. But for those who have....it becomes habitual. This process is one of the very early steps in the dance of addiction.
gentle hugs
ke
If you had no clue that a person was an addict, you would have no reason to snoop. Period.
When addiction comes into the picture, your instincts tell you that something is wrong, you ask about it hoping for (expecting) an honest answer, you are lied to and told you are crazy.......you want to prove that you're NOT crazy....thus snooping occurs. You need evidence.....snooping often results in the evidence to prove that instincts were correct.
The evidence is provided to the addict. The addict becomes upset and tells the snooper "YOU violated my privacy!!!" The snooper recognizes that the addict is right BUT to defend their actions they retort with "but you LIED to me". Pointing out to the addict that they had a "viable reason" to snoop. The addict (caught in the lie with no reasonable way to deny it often resorts to further lying) says "It's not mine." Or "that was there from a long time ago...I forgot about it."
If a person has never experienced this situation time and time again.....they won't relate to this scenario. But for those who have....it becomes habitual. This process is one of the very early steps in the dance of addiction.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
I used to think that if I snooped and caught him early enough when I suspected it started, it would be easier to appeal to his rational side and get him to stop. Never worked that way. I remember once about a year ago when I suspected he was using again, I couldn't find anything or confront him or get him to come clean until I actually was able to catch him, by chance because he thought I had gone to bed but was asleep on the couch in the living room while he was in the rec room with a friend, IN the act of snorting a pill. And even then he got mad at ME for catching him when in actuality I was just going down there to say hi and happened across "the act." He was so very mad at me. Because I think he was mad at himself because me actually fully knowing and seeing it meant he had to fully know and acknowledge it too.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think if you read through all the responses snooping basically comes down to:
Convincing
Controlling
Convicting
The need to convince ourselves that what our gut is telling us is the truth.
The need to discover things in order to attempt to control them into seeking the help we want them to receive.
The need to convict them, proof we are right and they are wrong.
So when that feeling to snoop comes along look at the person looking back at you in the mirror and ask why don’t I trust my own gut and instincts? What’s that all about?
What exactly am I going to do when I do discover something that proves they are using/drinking? Have I set a boundary that I now need to fully enforce?
And after I convict them with my discovery – Will I be able to detach enough so that their repeated use will not affect me? Am I prepared emotionally, financially and physically to walk away from this situation?
Convincing
Controlling
Convicting
The need to convince ourselves that what our gut is telling us is the truth.
The need to discover things in order to attempt to control them into seeking the help we want them to receive.
The need to convict them, proof we are right and they are wrong.
So when that feeling to snoop comes along look at the person looking back at you in the mirror and ask why don’t I trust my own gut and instincts? What’s that all about?
What exactly am I going to do when I do discover something that proves they are using/drinking? Have I set a boundary that I now need to fully enforce?
And after I convict them with my discovery – Will I be able to detach enough so that their repeated use will not affect me? Am I prepared emotionally, financially and physically to walk away from this situation?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
Detachment was the hard part for me. It was like AH wouldn't "let" me detach. He wouldn't respect my space or my desire to take a step back from our relationship and him being the center of my universe while he was using. He just made me feel bad for not being "so nice" to him all the time. In addition to the lies detaching was made impossible by AH.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by CPGirl84 
Detachment was the hard part for me. It was like AH wouldn't "let" me detach. He wouldn't respect my space or my desire to take a step back from our relationship and him being the center of my universe while he was using. He just made me feel bad for not being "so nice" to him all the time. In addition to the lies detaching was made impossible by AH.
The fact that he was able to make you feel bad and change your response to him based on fear, uncertainty, and guilt (FOG) means that you were not lovingly detached from him, you were still actively participating in the dance of addiction. Because that right there is the dance, the roller coaster we are all too familiar with. I think it's important to recognize that, because it can help you to overcome long standing habits that contribute to that dance.
For me, I was totally unable to detach at first while continuing frequent argumentative interactions with my sister. I just couldn't stop engaging with her or my mother. In order to achieve a loving detachment (still a work in progress) I had to go through an extended period of no contact with them to get more comfortable with my own role in our dance and get more comfortable with my own recovery. The clarity I achieved through no contact helped me to practice loving detachment. Others are able to achieve recovery without no contact, but for me it was a necessary step for me to be able to move forward.
And now back to our regularly scheduled thread in progress...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by Ann
I was a dreadful codie detective and I believe I snooped to validate what I already suspected...that my son was lying to me or using. From his cell phone bill I could tell who he called, who called him and how often. From his pockets I could find his subway transfers and figure out where he had been. I searched his closets and found crushed pop cans stored in the lining of an old jacket...cans he had used for smoking crack in his room.
I knew where to look, how to look and the thing is...I didn't need to look at all. My instincts never lied to me and once I learned to trust my instincts and not believe him when he told me I was crazy and neurotic, I didn't feel a need to ever snoop again. I knew my feelings were valid.
If you are confident in your instincts that may be why you feel no need to snoop. And that's a good thing.
Hugs
I knew where to look, how to look and the thing is...I didn't need to look at all. My instincts never lied to me and once I learned to trust my instincts and not believe him when he told me I was crazy and neurotic, I didn't feel a need to ever snoop again. I knew my feelings were valid.
If you are confident in your instincts that may be why you feel no need to snoop. And that's a good thing.
Hugs
I think the best I can do is trust my instincts when I know something feels off, and know now it could be a relapse coming or already started.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
THANK YOU to everyone who replied. I am trying to prepare myself for when he comes home from rehab, and I am looking at things people talk about here, and how it might apply to me now, or once he gets home.
Ive never been a snooper because Ive always trusted him, and never worried about a relapse. Now he relapsed and he cheated on me, so the trust is a little weak right now.
I dont want to make mistakes when he comes home with my own behaviors. I dont want to be a snooper, and thinking about it, it seems like snooping would come from fear. Being afraid he is getting sick and trying to hide it. There is potential for me to do that, so I will have to be cautious not to fall into that trap. I dont think I will snoop to try to watch over his recovery, control who he might be talking to or things like that. I dont think I will snoop to try to catch him cheating, I feel safe that it was isolated to the drug use. But he did tell me he would like to have a conversation with the one woman he knew from work (she quit her job since all this happened) but I dont know if he means that. Is that my business?
I dont want to take on behaviors that will damage our relationship, or undermine the trust we are working on restoring, trying to prepare, get my head straight.
Ive never been a snooper because Ive always trusted him, and never worried about a relapse. Now he relapsed and he cheated on me, so the trust is a little weak right now.
I dont want to make mistakes when he comes home with my own behaviors. I dont want to be a snooper, and thinking about it, it seems like snooping would come from fear. Being afraid he is getting sick and trying to hide it. There is potential for me to do that, so I will have to be cautious not to fall into that trap. I dont think I will snoop to try to watch over his recovery, control who he might be talking to or things like that. I dont think I will snoop to try to catch him cheating, I feel safe that it was isolated to the drug use. But he did tell me he would like to have a conversation with the one woman he knew from work (she quit her job since all this happened) but I dont know if he means that. Is that my business?
I dont want to take on behaviors that will damage our relationship, or undermine the trust we are working on restoring, trying to prepare, get my head straight.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10
I found myself snooping - reading text messages n what not!! I felt so guilty but it answered the questions I already knew the answers too and more!! I found out he was injecting which was a complete shock to my system!!
As much as I felt guilty I was glad it gave me ammo!! I just acted very perceptive which He already knows I am!! I think it started as a way to try and hide it from me because snorting was obvious!! When I said I know your still doing it your just not sticking t up your nose - he asked where was my evidence! I admitted nothing and just asked if he was telling me I was wrong he!! He just said again where's your evidence!! I asked again if he was saying I was wrong!! He said no but where's the evidence!! I just replied... It's right there in your answer!! That was the end of the discussion!! He shut down and walked out!!
I hate it but we know they can't be trusted web using!! All I suggest is wait until your gut feeling tells you you are right!! Otherwise snooping will genuinely become mistrust and there's no point!! I never looked at his phone before I already knew - daft as it sounds!! But if I hadn't been armed with the truth I wouldn't have been able to ask with conviction and may have let my love for him cloud my judgements!!
As much as I felt guilty I was glad it gave me ammo!! I just acted very perceptive which He already knows I am!! I think it started as a way to try and hide it from me because snorting was obvious!! When I said I know your still doing it your just not sticking t up your nose - he asked where was my evidence! I admitted nothing and just asked if he was telling me I was wrong he!! He just said again where's your evidence!! I asked again if he was saying I was wrong!! He said no but where's the evidence!! I just replied... It's right there in your answer!! That was the end of the discussion!! He shut down and walked out!!
I hate it but we know they can't be trusted web using!! All I suggest is wait until your gut feeling tells you you are right!! Otherwise snooping will genuinely become mistrust and there's no point!! I never looked at his phone before I already knew - daft as it sounds!! But if I hadn't been armed with the truth I wouldn't have been able to ask with conviction and may have let my love for him cloud my judgements!!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Nelsky, What an excellent way of asking a RA if they are using again! It works for me. And if I do suspect, or have evidence and that ever truth the gut gives you, that's how I will approach my 2 ADs. I like that..."you have answered your own question..." Thanks for the tip. Welcome to SR BTW! TF
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
From what you shared nelsky, did you ever think that now you had become the manipulator and the liar?
I don’t believe there is a way to justify snooping and making it ok. I mean we could come up with dozens of reasons to, but then that won’t make it a healthy thing to do.
I never understood the need to ask the question when you already knew the answer. But then I view the lies as such an indication of the truth, with their lies never as important as the ones we are telling ourselves.
I know why I don’t snoop, why I find it an unacceptable behavior for me. And I also know if my husband ever snooped through my phone, my email I would have a hard time ever trusting him again no matter what behavior I was displaying. I just can’t justify, well I wouldn’t snoop if you didn’t lie…
It comes back to, if you allow a known addict in your home, then you have a known addict in your home. In recovery or not, it makes no different, the truth always shines.
And if you find yourself in a position where you need to snoop, then you probably need to reevaluate your relationship…
I don’t believe there is a way to justify snooping and making it ok. I mean we could come up with dozens of reasons to, but then that won’t make it a healthy thing to do.
I never understood the need to ask the question when you already knew the answer. But then I view the lies as such an indication of the truth, with their lies never as important as the ones we are telling ourselves.
I know why I don’t snoop, why I find it an unacceptable behavior for me. And I also know if my husband ever snooped through my phone, my email I would have a hard time ever trusting him again no matter what behavior I was displaying. I just can’t justify, well I wouldn’t snoop if you didn’t lie…
It comes back to, if you allow a known addict in your home, then you have a known addict in your home. In recovery or not, it makes no different, the truth always shines.
And if you find yourself in a position where you need to snoop, then you probably need to reevaluate your relationship…
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10
That's very probably and yes I felt awful for doing it!! But I knew he would not open up to me voluntarily but wanted to see if he'd lie!! I found out more than I bargained for and it broke my heart!! Do I feel guilt or snooping yes!! Am I any better than him... No but I wasn't aware I claimed to be!! Do I regret it.... No because it got us a lot further down the communication road than him thinking I'd leave if I knew and me thinking he's leave if I got it wrong!! So yeah maybe we need to re evaluate our relationship!!
Like I said above I felt guilty!! And your evidentially a far better person than me.... I'm happy for you but I take your tone as judgemental which isn't what I'm here for!!
So maybe I did get it wrong... Sue me a long with many people before me!
Like I said above I felt guilty!! And your evidentially a far better person than me.... I'm happy for you but I take your tone as judgemental which isn't what I'm here for!!
So maybe I did get it wrong... Sue me a long with many people before me!
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