why do people snoop?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
I guess I'm confused. Is it a matter of perspective? I mean, on one hand, if your loved one is lying to you, wasting your household's money, involved in dangerous circumstances, does it make you a bad person to snoop? I would assume snooping is quite normal under those circumstances and the addict gives up "right to privacy" quite a bit once money for the electric bill is spent on drugs and they continue lying to you. Is it ever ideal to snoop into someone else's business? Obviously, no, not really. But extenuating circumstances are at play. At the end of the day snooping doesn't help a damn thing, I learned that the hard way after much aggravation, but you know what I mean.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is a lot to learn, nelsky.
And I don’t need to be better than anyone or worse than. I had my own demons, actions and behaviors I had to look at to save my own ass.
It isn’t healthy to want to see someone lie…
It isn’t healthy to ask questions you know the answer to looking for a lie…
It isn’t healthy to snoop and unless I am reading wrong you did advise blue chair to snoop but not all the time only to confirm what was already known. Well if it was so known, then why snoop.
Oh and addicts will do everything they can to protect their addiction. The lies are not personal.
It also isn’t healthy to carry guilt, although it is very healthy to accept that you screwed up….being human is awesome, make amends as needed if possible and to forgive yourself.
And I don’t need to be better than anyone or worse than. I had my own demons, actions and behaviors I had to look at to save my own ass.
It isn’t healthy to want to see someone lie…
It isn’t healthy to ask questions you know the answer to looking for a lie…
It isn’t healthy to snoop and unless I am reading wrong you did advise blue chair to snoop but not all the time only to confirm what was already known. Well if it was so known, then why snoop.
Oh and addicts will do everything they can to protect their addiction. The lies are not personal.
It also isn’t healthy to carry guilt, although it is very healthy to accept that you screwed up….being human is awesome, make amends as needed if possible and to forgive yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
It isn’t healthy to want to see someone lie…
It isn’t healthy to ask questions you know the answer to looking for a lie…
It isn’t healthy to snoop and unless I am reading wrong you did advise blue chair to snoop but not all the time only to confirm what was already known. Well if it was so known, then why snoop.
I know when I asked questions I was praying AH would tell the truth. I didn't want to see them lie. I wanted to give him a chance to tell the truth. In a way, there can be closure in "snooping to confirm what's already known." I know in the past I drove myself crazy sometimes needing to validate what I suspected. When you want to trust and love and believe someone, you want to be able to believe they're OK. It helps with a reality check sometimes to actually confirm the behavior and begin distancing yourself and healing. There are different ways to approach this discussion I think, but it's situational.
It isn’t healthy to ask questions you know the answer to looking for a lie…
It isn’t healthy to snoop and unless I am reading wrong you did advise blue chair to snoop but not all the time only to confirm what was already known. Well if it was so known, then why snoop.
I know when I asked questions I was praying AH would tell the truth. I didn't want to see them lie. I wanted to give him a chance to tell the truth. In a way, there can be closure in "snooping to confirm what's already known." I know in the past I drove myself crazy sometimes needing to validate what I suspected. When you want to trust and love and believe someone, you want to be able to believe they're OK. It helps with a reality check sometimes to actually confirm the behavior and begin distancing yourself and healing. There are different ways to approach this discussion I think, but it's situational.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I didn't detect any judgement, just sharing of experience.
It's very helpful for me to be reminded that I was just as manipulative as my sister. I tried to control her and trick her into making the decisions for her life that I thought were best for her. I thought that I was the one who was powerful enough to lead her into the life that I thought was best for her. Scratch that. I thought I was the ONLY ONE powerful enough to lead her into the life that I thought was best for her. I was actually worse than her, because for me, it was personal. All she ever did was try to protect her addiction. It's a pretty twisted dynamic.
I sound like a complete loon - to my credit, I wasn't aware that that's what I was doing at the time. Now that I am, I still struggle with changing my behavior, maybe I am a complete loon!
It's very helpful for me to be reminded that I was just as manipulative as my sister. I tried to control her and trick her into making the decisions for her life that I thought were best for her. I thought that I was the one who was powerful enough to lead her into the life that I thought was best for her. Scratch that. I thought I was the ONLY ONE powerful enough to lead her into the life that I thought was best for her. I was actually worse than her, because for me, it was personal. All she ever did was try to protect her addiction. It's a pretty twisted dynamic.
I sound like a complete loon - to my credit, I wasn't aware that that's what I was doing at the time. Now that I am, I still struggle with changing my behavior, maybe I am a complete loon!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Maybe it's the word " snoop" that people get hung up on. I think most of us who love an active or recovered addict know that they are very manipulative and constantly lie to cover up something they don't want you to know. Or if, God forbid, you pi$$ off that AV in their minds, your gonna be their walking target. Snooping has a few definitions to different people. If you are vacuuming and suck up a pipe, is that snooping? Or doing the laundry, emptying out the pockets and find some pills, is that snooping? Finding a needle in YOUR car in the ashtray or under the seat, or seeing a lighter on the dresser of your child's dresser, just walking by and your child doesn't smoke. That to me isn't snooping. Going thru and looking under the mattress or looking at someone else's phone texts, or calling an unfamiliar phone number just to see who answers, these both contraversal issues can go on and on. Trust is very hard to regain once you have lost or it has been broken. Like forgiveness...that can be done and quickly, but to forget what the AP has done may take a very long time to do fix or to get back to normal, if normal is ever possible. I'm not wanting to start a debate here. But facts are facts. To "snoop" or stumble onto a questionable object. This could go on forever. The point is trust must be earned back, an addict needs support, a mom shouldn't feel guilty over how her ADs became addicts. We all need support in one form or another, we need to take good care of ourselves, make good decisions and leave the judging up to our Higher Power. If you find something or catch a loved one in a lie, have your plan ready. To continue to snoop can cause a lot of damage to the person being snooped on. To each his own. Like every fingerprint is different so is every addict. Think before you speak. Thanks for listening, I didn't mean to offend anyone, just food for thought! Happy Thursday SR! TF
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
For me, if I feel the need to snoop then something is already wrong.
Forget about the drugs. If I ever feel like I have to spy on my fiance, then our relationship is in trouble, regardless of whether I find anything incriminating or not.
Forget about the drugs. If I ever feel like I have to spy on my fiance, then our relationship is in trouble, regardless of whether I find anything incriminating or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
What I am looking for myself is to understand the emotions behind actions so I can be on the lookout for it. Good point about snooping meaning different things, what I dont want to do is see my husbands jacket laying there and feel an impulse to search his pockets, or when he is in the shower think its a great time to go look in his car, or see if phone laying there and have the urge to look at whats in there. None of that would help me, or help restore the trust between us. That is all I want to do. The family counselor we are working with said sometimes after things like this happen, the person needs to understand they may be expected to be more open in order to help reestablish trust. One of the questions was what do I think he could do to help me with this. I am having time thinking of anything of a physical nature he can do. Its more about him being open with me, if I were to find something out from someone else it would hurt and damage trust. The only thing I can think of is really to make sure he calls me a little more, lets me know when he will be home from work, or if he knows he will be somewhere and cant have access to his phone then he can let me know in case i tried to call, then I wouldnt get anxious. Im not perfect, and the counselor says its natural to have some fears and need some reassurance for a period of time.
Maybe that helps some more knowing why I asked the original question.
Thanks again for all your replies on the subject
Maybe that helps some more knowing why I asked the original question.
Thanks again for all your replies on the subject
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
Im not perfect, and the counselor says its natural to have some fears and need some reassurance for a period of time.
This is why I would love for AH to go to counseling with me. To understsand that it is natural to have fears and doubts for a while. I can't just sweep it all under the rug and never worry. Not yet. I'm getting better but I wish he would open his mind to understanding more.
This is why I would love for AH to go to counseling with me. To understsand that it is natural to have fears and doubts for a while. I can't just sweep it all under the rug and never worry. Not yet. I'm getting better but I wish he would open his mind to understanding more.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I would say calling you can be a good reassurance. It's very difficult to not suspect drug use or walk around on egg shells scared we can cause it... somehow.
I personally only snooped when I felt things were wrong. I had a "feeling". He was able to hide things pretty well but his use became obvious when I learned his behavior when he was high. Each person has certain attributes when using.
My husband would become a very negative dark person. I believe this was due to his feelings of failure. Essentially he failed at staying sober... AGAIN.
As for our recovery, we have certain attributes. Me personally, I would go through his phone and see who he called, when he called them. It didn't change anything but the more different numbers on there the more I would know that he was using. Meaning, he was selling and trading and God knows what... but needing a few different people as pawns in his game.
While he was sober, I didn't feel the need to snoop. He was being honest, positive and his behavior was pleasant.
Being someone who has went through sober, clean, sober, clean, sober, clean I know that it's tiresome and it's best to trust until they give you a reason not to.
I wish you well BlueChair.
I always have so much anxiety when he comes home and new promises are made. I always believe this is the time he will get better. (my strength or weakness??) Who knows?
I personally only snooped when I felt things were wrong. I had a "feeling". He was able to hide things pretty well but his use became obvious when I learned his behavior when he was high. Each person has certain attributes when using.
My husband would become a very negative dark person. I believe this was due to his feelings of failure. Essentially he failed at staying sober... AGAIN.
As for our recovery, we have certain attributes. Me personally, I would go through his phone and see who he called, when he called them. It didn't change anything but the more different numbers on there the more I would know that he was using. Meaning, he was selling and trading and God knows what... but needing a few different people as pawns in his game.
While he was sober, I didn't feel the need to snoop. He was being honest, positive and his behavior was pleasant.
Being someone who has went through sober, clean, sober, clean, sober, clean I know that it's tiresome and it's best to trust until they give you a reason not to.
I wish you well BlueChair.
I always have so much anxiety when he comes home and new promises are made. I always believe this is the time he will get better. (my strength or weakness??) Who knows?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by interrupted 
It's very helpful for me to be reminded that I was just as manipulative as my sister. I tried to control her and trick her into making the decisions for her life that I thought were best for her.
it wont. trying to 'help', confront or any of that wouldn't have made a lick of difference.
I can't control it. (I should probably write a hundred lines of that on a chalkboard or something)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
I would say calling you can be a good reassurance. It's very difficult to not suspect drug use or walk around on egg shells scared we can cause it... somehow.
I personally only snooped when I felt things were wrong. I had a "feeling". He was able to hide things pretty well but his use became obvious when I learned his behavior when he was high. Each person has certain attributes when using.
My husband would become a very negative dark person. I believe this was due to his feelings of failure. Essentially he failed at staying sober... AGAIN.
As for our recovery, we have certain attributes. Me personally, I would go through his phone and see who he called, when he called them. It didn't change anything but the more different numbers on there the more I would know that he was using. Meaning, he was selling and trading and God knows what... but needing a few different people as pawns in his game.
While he was sober, I didn't feel the need to snoop. He was being honest, positive and his behavior was pleasant.
Being someone who has went through sober, clean, sober, clean, sober, clean I know that it's tiresome and it's best to trust until they give you a reason not to.
I wish you well BlueChair.
I always have so much anxiety when he comes home and new promises are made. I always believe this is the time he will get better. (my strength or weakness??) Who knows?
I personally only snooped when I felt things were wrong. I had a "feeling". He was able to hide things pretty well but his use became obvious when I learned his behavior when he was high. Each person has certain attributes when using.
My husband would become a very negative dark person. I believe this was due to his feelings of failure. Essentially he failed at staying sober... AGAIN.
As for our recovery, we have certain attributes. Me personally, I would go through his phone and see who he called, when he called them. It didn't change anything but the more different numbers on there the more I would know that he was using. Meaning, he was selling and trading and God knows what... but needing a few different people as pawns in his game.
While he was sober, I didn't feel the need to snoop. He was being honest, positive and his behavior was pleasant.
Being someone who has went through sober, clean, sober, clean, sober, clean I know that it's tiresome and it's best to trust until they give you a reason not to.
I wish you well BlueChair.
I always have so much anxiety when he comes home and new promises are made. I always believe this is the time he will get better. (my strength or weakness??) Who knows?
The counselor said a lot of people want to examine phone records not from the phone but have it detailed by the provider. But then said this doesnt work for some wives because they assume their is a second phone they know nothing about ! Paranoia can build into something huge I guess. I did notice my husband had a funny look on his face with that suggestion of an extra phone. I dont want to go there I dont think. I hope I can rely on my instincts that "something" is wrong if I feel it. I wont know if it is drugs maybe, but then I will at least try to talk with him. If he shuts down then it would be more of an indicator something is wrong. Fall back on the drug screening from work.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I never had any instincts and would always be blindsided every time. Wouldn't even suspect a problem until hours after his eta home and him not calling to check in. So I'm not sure if you always can trust suspicions or lack thereof.
But I do think its fair to notice suspicions or instincts, and decide if the lack of trust is a major problem, regardless of whether they are based in reality. Something doesn't necessarily have to be true to interfere with your sanity. I have now decided to take the pov that I will no longer accept that uncertainty, or be willing to rebuild broken trust again, because baseless or not, the fears are unacceptable to me.
But I do think its fair to notice suspicions or instincts, and decide if the lack of trust is a major problem, regardless of whether they are based in reality. Something doesn't necessarily have to be true to interfere with your sanity. I have now decided to take the pov that I will no longer accept that uncertainty, or be willing to rebuild broken trust again, because baseless or not, the fears are unacceptable to me.
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