Twofish

Hello SR, Nice wet Tuesday here in WI, cold, gloomy, snow should fly soon. Anyway, on Thursday, I go pick up my older AD along with my younger AD and go have a meeting with the District Attroney to discuss what the outcome of the charges will be. He initionally said that he had a plan for the girls, he reduced the felonies to mistermeners, he spoke to my husband and with certain conditions like sobriety, cleane drug tests, counciling , keep there noses clean and out of trouble for the next 6 months will exsponge their records! What a miracle, what a chance they are to get, this is being dropped into their laps a second chance that addiction rarely gives it's victims...the problem? My daughters hate each other, can't strange to be in the same car with each other and I'm afraid if the DA sees such hatred between them, he may call all bets off. They both blame each other for becoming addicts, make me feel guilty for letting the younger girl to be allowed to come and live with me after she went thru IOP therapy, she's 19, the other AD 22 is on Methadone therapy. They both are trying and are sober in there own way. If they go into that office hating each other I'm afraid that all bets are off. I'm in the middle, again, and don't know what to do. I asked them to be civil, this opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity, another chance to lead a sober life. What if anything can I say to the girls? Any wise words to this exhausted mom? Thanks. TF

digdug

Isn't this really their issue? You suggested they be civil. You explained to them how this could be their second chance at a good life.

If they bring their petty drama into that office, it's on them, not you.

So breathe and take solace in the fact that you've done all you can.

Kindeyes

TF
Sometimes silence truly is golden. You can only be in the middle if you place yourself there.

I didn't understand that for a very long time. I thought my role was peacekeeper but all I got for my efforts was the anger and resentment turned towards me or I became frustrated when things got worse or I became disappointed that I didn't do a good job of controlling the situation. Letting go and allowing others to conduct their own relationships (even when the relationship is lousy) was a huge relief.

gentle hugs
ke

Twofish

I know deep down in this old broken heart that you both are right. I just wanted them to get their second chance in this drug infested world. I have to be in Madison by 5am driving 2 hrs to get there so she can get her Methadone then drive back up north pick the other girl up and drive to the county they are being charged at(45 minutes away). Then take the younger girl back home so the other girl can be back in Madison for an exam at 1:30. All without a war starting. This is the last thing I'm planning on doing for these girls of mine, addiction has taken its toll on me, I'm tired, sick of worrying and being blamed. The car ride should be exhausting, but someday I hope they will say thanks mom for helping us. TF

EJG123

If they argue in front of the DA perhaps he will feel even more inclined to get them the help they need seeing that they definitely have isssues. Anyway, no need to worry about it- things will work out as they will.

Ann

Twofish, as the mama of an addict I truly understand your pain and how much you want your girls to be okay, and my prayers go out that they will.

Thing is, what you describe is like trying to herd cats. You can run yourself ragged but in the end they will go whatever direction they choose to go.

At some point you may just want to let the consequences unfold, it may be what these girls need to make them "want" recovery and a better life.

No matter how this unfolds, just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. You can only pray, like the rest of us mamas, and hope that somehow they find a better path.

Hugs

Twofish

The "conflict" that I am referring to is how addiction is treated. The younger one picked cold turkey after a suicide attempt, then phy. inpt treatment then IOP therapy. The older one picked the Methadone route. So I can already hear it, the arguing about treatment. Well, treatment is treatment, if it works, great, if not, well, try a different treatment, lets not argue, let's be happy that we are sober, but as the younger girl says, Methadone is legally being high, she will have to withdraw some day, she is right. But the older girl is functioning, very crabby but is still in school. So I'm staying out of it, right?

FeelingGreat

Twofish, have you considered, for your own sake, making and enforcing a rule that while they are in the car, they will not argue. Full stop.
Get their promise before you go anywhere with them, and if they start up, stop the car and ask them to get out.
There's a big chance that their toxic behaviour towards each other is designed to get your attention. If you refuse to take sides, listen or participate it may magically go away. If not, at least you won't be there to hear it.

Twofish

Hi SR, Some good news, for me at least. The DA is unable to see us Thursday morning, too many conflicts and wants to reschedule the pre trial conference for the afternoon at 2:45. Well, the older daughter had already rescheduled an exam for 1:30, so time wise it's impossible to get her up here from Madison. So I asked if it was possible to do a "conference call" her into the meeting. And he said yes! So for me anyway, WWIII will not be happening in my car tomorrow. This conference call meeting does not include me. So the girls are on their own, if they argue and start blaming each other, all bets will be off for leniency, however, if they tell it like it was/is, admit their addiction, tell him how their recoveries are going, be honest (that really hurts an addict to be honest) chances are he will give them the chance they deserve, considering the rehab they are going thru. So, SR, think of us tomorrow, we need positive supportive thoughts, no matter what their outcome is. Will post the results to you. Thank you everyone for following my threads and supporting me, it's coming down to the wire, legally, now for lifetime sobriety, if possible, will be the ultimate goal. Thanks again! TF

Twofish

Hey SR family, Everything went very well, that proves to me that law enforcement has becoming more educated on the disease of addiction. The recovering daughters got a second chance. They have to go thru a recovery program, do random drug screens, have complete sobriety, keep their nose clean as far as legally charges go, complete community service hours. If all goes well, they will clear all charges, including the felonies and disorderly conduct charges from their records in one year. This gift feel into their laps, put their by their HP. I wasn't in the room when the girls spoke to the DA. But because of the severity of the charges and how it was handled, it proves to me that the anti- Heroin education program here in WI is working. My daughters could have jail time, horrible felony records and would most likely of gone back to the drug world. They were given a second chance, will they blow it, God only knows. What I know is that the public is going to fight the drugs attacking the young and old people in this world, contaminating their brains and bodies. This time sobriety won, and maybe next time and the next time! Drugs are the loser, lets fight this war against drugs! TF

help4hubby

Wonderful news! So happy for you! I'm sure you are so relieved!

Lyoness

I am glad for you too, TF, and your daughters. Also very glad you did not have to be part of it because you do not need that stress! As for their fighting over who is and isn't sober, well that is unfortunately an argument that too often thrives in the recovery community. Ultimately, no one can or should dictate another's recovery. What works for one does not work for another and it's really nobody's place to judge it.

For some cold turkey is the lifesaver for others maintenance medication. Both are valid, both are being clean if a person does "the next right thing." Let them bicker or not over it, keep yourself out of it. Take good care of YOU, that is the most important of all!

needingabreak

Twofish, just seeing this. Very happy for you and your two daughters! What a gift.

Twofish

Thank you SR family, yes I am very thankful for the DA he is very young and obviously willing to open his eyes to the drug epidemic and give these girls a second chance...with strings attached, which I am fully in support of. There are consequences to their actions and he is including a punishment, then if all goes well, addiction will stay at bay for a very long time, or not want to come around? I hope my story will encourage other parents who's children have experimented in the drug world and perhaps fallen into that hole, that dark place that steals the life out of your child. But I always did and still do have hope!! And I accepted and sought out support, that together saved us this time! The best to everyone, and thank you SR and Lyoness, I will appreciate you forever! TF

Ann

I am doing the happy dance with you and pray that your girls can stay on a good path and put their lives back together again.

Hugs

Kindeyes

TF
Glad that things went well! I hope (and pray) that your girls are able to recognize this second chance and stay on a positive path.

There's a saying that I love:

In nature, there is no punishment.....only consequences.

When you think about it, it seems much easier to accept repercussions as "consequences" rather than as "punishment". That is how nature works.....

Have a wonderful day. I hope you'll do something super special for YOU today.

gentle hugs
ke

Vale

Great news! Happy for you!

Lyoness

Me too!

allforcnm

Im happy to hear your daughters have another chance, they are so young and can have such wonderful lives - without drugs. Also, wanted to thank you for mentioning the anti-heroin program in WI, had never heard of it, but decided to look it up - and it looks like they have a good campaign going. I always value your shares here on the forum. Thank you.

I will keep your family in my prayers.