A New Family Plan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
A New Family Plan
I've been thinking, with recent actions of my AH, who for now is trying very hard to abstain since the cat is once again out of the bag that he is secretly drinking, that there are some things that perhaps I should do, such as:
~Go back to school
~Take over the family budget since I've noticed some bills have been missed and are passed due
~Just make a plan in general that doesn't rely on whether my AH is on or off the wagon
~Learn how to do simple plumbing and car maintenance
I sound like I've been a do nothing for years, but my job has been to raise my children in a home schooling environment, which has been great, but I now have them in private school for the remainder of their high school years. Thinking I should have a new plan for myself, too.
Has anyone else done the same once you've figured out you have no power over your A or the alcohol they consume? What would you add to the list?
~Go back to school
~Take over the family budget since I've noticed some bills have been missed and are passed due
~Just make a plan in general that doesn't rely on whether my AH is on or off the wagon
~Learn how to do simple plumbing and car maintenance
I sound like I've been a do nothing for years, but my job has been to raise my children in a home schooling environment, which has been great, but I now have them in private school for the remainder of their high school years. Thinking I should have a new plan for myself, too.
Has anyone else done the same once you've figured out you have no power over your A or the alcohol they consume? What would you add to the list?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
katchie, sorry you are going through this
i was in your hubbys shoes about a year ago. i saw how i was tearing apart not only my self, but my family as well. my family dynamics is about the same as yours. sorry to say but in my view, your kids are the most important, and you have to take all steps to protect them from the effects of alcohol.
i was in your hubbys shoes about a year ago. i saw how i was tearing apart not only my self, but my family as well. my family dynamics is about the same as yours. sorry to say but in my view, your kids are the most important, and you have to take all steps to protect them from the effects of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Katch,
When I got to the point of realizing things were turning to $h*t, I made a plan.
I made a nine-month (roughly) plan that included paying off the one credit card that was in my name, making sure my credit score was great, secretly sorting through clothes and books and stuff and getting rid of things I didn't want, and opening a secret checking account to start saving money. (If you're in the US and you open a checking account with zero interest, it doesn't show up anywhere -- at least that was the case then.)
That was my version of getting prepared to take care of myself -- in my case, it was a preparation to leave.
I don't know where your AH is at in the progression of the disease, but I will tell you this: When I made the decision to start preparing to be responsible for everything myself, something in my behavior changed. And he noticed. And that is when he went from emotional abuse to physical abuse.
Now, I'm not saying "don't do it! He'll start beating you!" -- I'm saying "Good on ya, girl!" -- but be prepared that you making changes may cause more changes. So chin up, eyes scanning the horizon, and get crackin'!
When I got to the point of realizing things were turning to $h*t, I made a plan.
I made a nine-month (roughly) plan that included paying off the one credit card that was in my name, making sure my credit score was great, secretly sorting through clothes and books and stuff and getting rid of things I didn't want, and opening a secret checking account to start saving money. (If you're in the US and you open a checking account with zero interest, it doesn't show up anywhere -- at least that was the case then.)
That was my version of getting prepared to take care of myself -- in my case, it was a preparation to leave.
I don't know where your AH is at in the progression of the disease, but I will tell you this: When I made the decision to start preparing to be responsible for everything myself, something in my behavior changed. And he noticed. And that is when he went from emotional abuse to physical abuse.
Now, I'm not saying "don't do it! He'll start beating you!" -- I'm saying "Good on ya, girl!" -- but be prepared that you making changes may cause more changes. So chin up, eyes scanning the horizon, and get crackin'!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I love this post and it makes me smile. I do this R-E-P-E-A-T-E-D-L-Y.. 
I think I do it even when I am obsessing over the A, in fact I was just writing about this in my journal this morning. I think the biggest one you listed is "~Just make a plan in general that doesn't rely on whether my AH is on or off the wagon" because that is what life is truly about right?
I have my job, I stay at it because it's comfortable, pays relatively well, and I don't hate it. But, I really really want something more. A real live goal with a time frame. I'd love to go back to school, but I'm just not sure how right now. Plus the program I would really like to study is $650 a credit hour and once I obtain my Masters in that area, I actually might make less than I do now. So that is something to really think about.
I also want to learn more about house maintenance. Easy electrical stuff and just general care. I want tools! I would love to learn simple carpentry as well.
I'm also focused on regaining my creative spirit. I used to just imagine anything, draw or paint it and feel wonderful. I'm working a book called "The Artist Way" I think it can help my creative block as well as help me with a spiritual recovery.
Aside from that I would like to learn about gardening. I'm HORRIBLE at it, but would like to shift to living a more sustainable lifestyle. One step at a time..
But I feel like all of these things are lingering goals. Focus, don't focus, there is no real pressure. And I seem to be much more efficient when under pressure. I often feel jealous of people who have these amazing passions. Things they think about and work towards all the time. They never get sick of it. I want that.. I seem to switch gears so much I never really master anything.
I guess I'm just rambling at this point. But yes! I love the feeling of having a plan for what I want to do with life.
I think I do it even when I am obsessing over the A, in fact I was just writing about this in my journal this morning. I think the biggest one you listed is "~Just make a plan in general that doesn't rely on whether my AH is on or off the wagon" because that is what life is truly about right?
I have my job, I stay at it because it's comfortable, pays relatively well, and I don't hate it. But, I really really want something more. A real live goal with a time frame. I'd love to go back to school, but I'm just not sure how right now. Plus the program I would really like to study is $650 a credit hour and once I obtain my Masters in that area, I actually might make less than I do now. So that is something to really think about.
I also want to learn more about house maintenance. Easy electrical stuff and just general care. I want tools! I would love to learn simple carpentry as well.
I'm also focused on regaining my creative spirit. I used to just imagine anything, draw or paint it and feel wonderful. I'm working a book called "The Artist Way" I think it can help my creative block as well as help me with a spiritual recovery.
Aside from that I would like to learn about gardening. I'm HORRIBLE at it, but would like to shift to living a more sustainable lifestyle. One step at a time..
But I feel like all of these things are lingering goals. Focus, don't focus, there is no real pressure. And I seem to be much more efficient when under pressure. I often feel jealous of people who have these amazing passions. Things they think about and work towards all the time. They never get sick of it. I want that.. I seem to switch gears so much I never really master anything.
I guess I'm just rambling at this point. But yes! I love the feeling of having a plan for what I want to do with life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I had my sons build raised garden beds for me a couple of years ago and I've loved them! Gardening can be very soothing to the soul. I have a plethora of gardening books and love reading them; again, very soothing to the soul among other benefits like healthy, free food!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I believe it’s extremely important to be as independent as possible. I have sat in the rooms of al-anon for years listening to woman worry, cry and complain about how they are going to survive if he loses his job. How are they going to live if he loses his job? How are they going to provide for their children if he loses his job? It’s always a crap shoot when you are dependent on an active alcoholic.
Doing what ever you can to become independent can only work to your advantage, smart move and healthy to begin working on a plan. I find it best when planning to plan for the worse case scenario and then hope for the best but at least if the best doesn’t happen you are prepared.
Doing what ever you can to become independent can only work to your advantage, smart move and healthy to begin working on a plan. I find it best when planning to plan for the worse case scenario and then hope for the best but at least if the best doesn’t happen you are prepared.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Oh and I totally forgot.. not only is this an awesome feel good blog but it has this:12 Dozen Places To Educate Yourself Online For Free
Just in case you're like me and $650 a credit hour sounds scary.
Just in case you're like me and $650 a credit hour sounds scary.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 38
I think a lot of us are in this boat, where relying on our A is not an option, so we put our skills to work, we make plans we live our lives. Google or whatever your search engine of choice maybe is wonderful for finding how to fix just about anything, I fixed my washer the other day when my AH was gone, not because he wouldn't but because it would just be easier then nagging him to do it. I find that My AH only half asses most jobs, like he will do it part of the way and then leave a way bigger mess for me to clean up.
This must be part of detaching...realizing that we can do these thing for ourselves.
This must be part of detaching...realizing that we can do these thing for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Make YOUR physical and mental health a top priority (often forgotten in the drama of an A and their health, and focusing on our children).
This is excellent for your long term well-being, and a very important thing to model for your kids. (It ***may*** have the side benefit of positively influencing your spouse to take care of himself, but don't count on it.)
- Annual physical
- dental health
- cancer screenings
- up to date on immunizations
- diet & exercise regimen
This is excellent for your long term well-being, and a very important thing to model for your kids. (It ***may*** have the side benefit of positively influencing your spouse to take care of himself, but don't count on it.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Katchie
I thing that I have been subconsciously on this path for the past 7 or 8 years. I initially went back to school so that WE (H and I) would be able to survive retirement. However, as my education progressed, I realized that I needed this for me. I decided that if our marriage imploded, I needed to be able to support myself. A great deal of my motivation was provided when I sat down to write a paper because AH was ranting, and I saw each assignment as a step closer to independence. I was 51 when I graduated 2 years ago, and I will never regret it. I also like lillamy's explicit approach...step by step. I just don't know if I can wait another 7 years myself. My daughter graduates from High School at the end of next year, and that seems like a long time to wait.
Check www.wgu.edu for the programs that they offer. It is an online university and has garnered many accolades over the past few years.
I also think that Spiderqueen's suggestion is important. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children.
I thing that I have been subconsciously on this path for the past 7 or 8 years. I initially went back to school so that WE (H and I) would be able to survive retirement. However, as my education progressed, I realized that I needed this for me. I decided that if our marriage imploded, I needed to be able to support myself. A great deal of my motivation was provided when I sat down to write a paper because AH was ranting, and I saw each assignment as a step closer to independence. I was 51 when I graduated 2 years ago, and I will never regret it. I also like lillamy's explicit approach...step by step. I just don't know if I can wait another 7 years myself. My daughter graduates from High School at the end of next year, and that seems like a long time to wait.
Check www.wgu.edu for the programs that they offer. It is an online university and has garnered many accolades over the past few years.
I also think that Spiderqueen's suggestion is important. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
