My DF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
My DF
My DF broke up our friendship because I told her how her drinking was affecting me and that I was worried about her health and her life. Now she's poisoning my pool of friends behind my back -- now that I'm not around drinking anymore. She's scapegoating me. Telling people I've done something to her. What do I do?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Find new friends. Doesn't sound like the ones you had were fit for the job. Seriously, though, if they are going to bite and side with an A, you could probably raise your standards for both friends and potential mates.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I know how painful this must be. It is hard to know that people are talking about you behind your back.
And even if you try to 'set the record straight' or protest against what this woman is saying, some will not believe you.
The important thing is that you know the truth and you and your conscience can live with your own actions at the end of the day. True friends will be able to see her words and actions for what they are--a hurting and sick person lashing out.
I hope someday your friend will find her way.
And even if you try to 'set the record straight' or protest against what this woman is saying, some will not believe you.
The important thing is that you know the truth and you and your conscience can live with your own actions at the end of the day. True friends will be able to see her words and actions for what they are--a hurting and sick person lashing out.
I hope someday your friend will find her way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Thanks. This really is hard. I'm a grown woman and I'm in middle school.
I have a big problem with toxic friends and being misrepresented, and dealing with the repercussions while I try to take the high road.
Many friends in the past have done this, employers, and most significantly, my mother.
So many people have done this that I've often wondered if I am delusional and they're right.
I have a big problem with toxic friends and being misrepresented, and dealing with the repercussions while I try to take the high road.
Many friends in the past have done this, employers, and most significantly, my mother.
So many people have done this that I've often wondered if I am delusional and they're right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
She is protecting her addiction which is what alkies do. It has nothing to do with you and is unfortunately totally predictable alcoholic behavior. Something similar happened to me with my ex so I know how much it hurts. I won't bore you with the details but the gist of it is I got in the way of his drinking, then he cast me out of his life and told lies about me.
I know it's hard not to doubt yourself when the people you are dealing with are so sick. You could try writing to the other people in your circle of friends and explaining what happened, but I think I agree with everyone else that it's time to find new friends. It sounds like you've grown up and these people haven't.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
I know it's hard not to doubt yourself when the people you are dealing with are so sick. You could try writing to the other people in your circle of friends and explaining what happened, but I think I agree with everyone else that it's time to find new friends. It sounds like you've grown up and these people haven't.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Two thoughts:
1) When I left AXH, he steamrolled over our group of friends to get to tell his story first. Beat me to it. I, meanwhile, sat back and did not want to badmouth him because his career depended on some of our friends not knowing that he was an alcoholic. (Yes, very codependent behavior, I know)
What happened was that the people who really knew me called me up and said "I heard a story that sounded completely out of character for you -- WTF is going on, babe?"
The people who didn't know me, or who knew me superficially, or who were easily influenced by his (granted, extreme) talent for manipulation -- those people probably still think I have horns and carry a pitch fork. Good riddance, I say.
2) I think just as some of us do repeat picking of the wrong spouses/partners/significant others for reasons that reside inside of us, some of us do the same with friends.
I know as I have stepped through recovery in Al-Anon, I have had to reevaluate many of my relationships, including those with friends. One friend, when she found out AXH was an abusive alkie and I was on the run from him, "broke up" with me because she said she couldn't handle another needy friend. Another couple of friends, I started distancing myself from because I realized that they not respecting me but mostly using me -- for free therapy and babysitting, but were never around when I needed something.
Good as it was to clean out in the friendship department, the really difficult but rewarding thing has been taking a hard look at what it is in myself that attracts needy people who tend to use me, and why I put up with them, and (most importantly) what I believe about myself that makes me get into those friendships.
I believe those kinds of things are always important to analyze -- and it doesn't have to mean that you're delusional, just that you've behaved in a certain way towards your friends and when you stop behaving in that way, they don't like it.
1) When I left AXH, he steamrolled over our group of friends to get to tell his story first. Beat me to it. I, meanwhile, sat back and did not want to badmouth him because his career depended on some of our friends not knowing that he was an alcoholic. (Yes, very codependent behavior, I know)
What happened was that the people who really knew me called me up and said "I heard a story that sounded completely out of character for you -- WTF is going on, babe?"
The people who didn't know me, or who knew me superficially, or who were easily influenced by his (granted, extreme) talent for manipulation -- those people probably still think I have horns and carry a pitch fork. Good riddance, I say.
2) I think just as some of us do repeat picking of the wrong spouses/partners/significant others for reasons that reside inside of us, some of us do the same with friends.
I know as I have stepped through recovery in Al-Anon, I have had to reevaluate many of my relationships, including those with friends. One friend, when she found out AXH was an abusive alkie and I was on the run from him, "broke up" with me because she said she couldn't handle another needy friend. Another couple of friends, I started distancing myself from because I realized that they not respecting me but mostly using me -- for free therapy and babysitting, but were never around when I needed something.
Good as it was to clean out in the friendship department, the really difficult but rewarding thing has been taking a hard look at what it is in myself that attracts needy people who tend to use me, and why I put up with them, and (most importantly) what I believe about myself that makes me get into those friendships.
I believe those kinds of things are always important to analyze -- and it doesn't have to mean that you're delusional, just that you've behaved in a certain way towards your friends and when you stop behaving in that way, they don't like it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Plenny 
My DF broke up our friendship because I told her how her drinking was affecting me and that I was worried about her health and her life. Now she's poisoning my pool of friends behind my back -- now that I'm not around drinking anymore. She's scapegoating me. Telling people I've done something to her. What do I do?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
My own MOTHER has done this to me. She still does, from what I hear. A couple of people caught on and apologized to me for their behavior, but most are still Team Crazy Train. Fine by me. You will likely experience much the same thing. My first post was done too late last night on my phone, so I felt like I left out a bit. 
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
What others think of you is none of your business. I've heard that said many times by many people, and it's true, even if it is a hard pill to swallow.
People who matter will recognize the truth over time if they haven't already. In her mind, you probably have 'done something' to her. You called her out and she wasn't ready to deal with the truth.
If you can sleep at night knowing you've done nothing to hurt her in any way, then you have no worries.
People who matter will recognize the truth over time if they haven't already. In her mind, you probably have 'done something' to her. You called her out and she wasn't ready to deal with the truth.
If you can sleep at night knowing you've done nothing to hurt her in any way, then you have no worries.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by lillamy
Two thoughts:
One friend, when she found out AXH was an abusive alkie and I was on the run from him, "broke up" with me because she said she couldn't handle another needy friend.
One friend, when she found out AXH was an abusive alkie and I was on the run from him, "broke up" with me because she said she couldn't handle another needy friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Yikes I'm sorry so many people go through this!
Remembering I don't have control over others actually does help.
NWGRITS,
My mother is the same. Much of my family doesn't know the real me or call me or invite me to holidays because she is out there representing me, and I'm separated because I chose to end our relationship or be involved with her anymore.
Remembering I don't have control over others actually does help.
NWGRITS,
My mother is the same. Much of my family doesn't know the real me or call me or invite me to holidays because she is out there representing me, and I'm separated because I chose to end our relationship or be involved with her anymore.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I've been No Contact with my mother for... 16 months now. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. My life is so much better, my head is quiet. The people who genuinely care about ME are in my life, not the ones who are petty and gossipy. I totally understand. Just remember that their opinion of you doesn't matter, and is simply a reflection on them and not you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
