PhotoArtist

Here's a quick summary of my situation:

Husband has been abusing drugs for 4 years, seriously abusing as in injecting 30mg oxys. The past few months have been pure hell. I couldn't take another minute of the drug abuse so I made him leave a little over a week ago. He was homeless for 7 days, I was terrified, and then he decided to get help.

He checked into a detox facility Saturday evening. Today was the first day we spoke on the phone, but only after i spoke to his therapist. She asked me lots of questions, and I answered them honestly. He thinks an outpatient program is enough after detox, I completely disagree. I know he needs inpatient treatment. You don't just cure yourself of a serious addiction in 10 days and then follow up with outpatient rehab. I told her that he will have a needle in his arm the day he walks out of there if he doesn't go to inpatient rehab, and I am not exaggerating. Also, no one is willing to allow him to live with them until he can prove that he is clean and well on his way to recovering from his addiction. 10 days of detox is NOT ENOUGH proof for me, my family or his family. We have set our boundaries. We need to feel safe in our own homes. And that is our call to make, not his. So if he doesn't go to inpatient rehab he will be released to a shelter.

His therapist shared all of this with him before he called me today, and of course he was furious. We discussed this before he decided to go to detox, he was well aware that I needed proof that he is serious about recovering from his addiction. But now that the cravings and withdrawal are at full force, the addict is back! Of course I knew this would be difficult for him, and for myself. I expected this to happen. I have been preparing myself for this for a long time now. But he didn't expect me to be handling the situation very well. I know he assumed that I would cave in and let him back into our home if he just got some type of help. He thought I would take him back because I would miss him so much. He knows I am codependent and he knows how to use it against me. He knows how to manipulate me. Well, that has changed.

As much as it hurts to detach from him like this, I have to do it. I really have no idea how I am doing this right now. Something happened within me. I don't know if it is because I love him enough to see that enabling him will only keep him sick. Maybe it was the fear of him overdosing in some ratty hotel? Maybe it was the humiliation I felt when I found yet another syringe in my home last week? I don't know what it was, but whatever it was, it has helped me survive the most difficult week of my entire life.

I don't want to cave in tomorrow when I see him. He feels like his mother and I are forcing him to do to inpatient rehab and that he has to go or he will have no place to live. I told him he has a choice. He can choose not to go. But it is my choice to wether or not he lives in this home. I know he is going to be angry tomorrow, will probably blame everything on me. He will try to make me feel sorry for him if that does not work. He will cry, beg, and plead for me to let him come home. And it is going to kill me inside to see him like that.

So, how do I stay focused on me during this family therapy session while still supporting him? How do I stay strong and not give in? Do I remain detached, even cold? Or do I lay all my feelings out on the table and cry my eyes out? I know there is no right or wrong answer. I'm just scared and I am trying to keep it together, but not pretend I am okay. I'm trying to DEAL with my emotions and not just cope with the situation.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

Coldfusion

I thought I needed rehab after a week in detox, but we couldn't afford rehab. I am still sober almost a year later, but I worked on recovery with AA and NA meetings and a sponsor after leaving detox. A lot of time spent here at SoberRecovery also shows my dedication to sobriety.

I hope the folks at your detox family session are helpful. Just be honest.

allforcnm

Personally I would go in with the honest approach like you have shown here. I don't think you need to be cold/distant, or cry to get your feelings across. Whatever you feel is what you should express. I would try to work together on a solution with the help of the detox therapist. Be honest with your concerns, and express your requirements for his coming home.

If I was in your position, I would encourage inpatient. This is what my husband did, it may have been overkill based on his stage of addiction, but from all I had been reading, it seemed like his best hope. We had an infant, and I didn't want to mess around with his working his way up the treatment ladder.

Lots of times insurance will only pay for outpatient if a person has not had previous treatment. This is what happened to us. In the end, the rehab was able to work it out with insurance, dont know/didn't ask how they accomplished it. Was thinking this could be part of the reason why the therapist is going the outpatient route?
Also, even after inpatient rehab, my husband still does therapy for support (18 months later). Its not something I demanded, but something he feels helps him. In the beginning of his coming home, I was especially grateful he had that support.

PhotoArtist

Coldfusion,

I am glad that detox and AA/NA worked for you. You must be very dedicated to your sobriety, and I admire you for working so hard to maintain it.

My husband has already tried detox and in-patient rehab for 1 month (this was before we met) and he admitted that he was using again within a week of leaving inpatient rehab. I know him, and I know that he needs a very intense program. His addiction is well beyond his control. I know he doesn't want to be like this, but at this point, he needs to put a needle in his vein to live. Living in our home is not safe for either one of us. I can't watch him 24/7, and I can't stop him from doing it. He is stronger than I am and if I physically attempt to stop him, one of us is going to get really hurt.

We have gone through this over and over again for 4 years, and I just can't put myself in that horrible environment again. I have given him 4 years, I put myself through hell for 4 years. if he can't give me one month of inpatient rehab, then I think that is pretty damn selfish. I know he has to want to do this for himself. And if he makes the choice not to, I have to accept it. But he has to accept my choices as well.

Thanks for sharing!

PhotoArtist

allforcnm,

Honesty it is! I'm just going to go in there and be as honest as possible. I have never lied to him. But I have tried to spare his feelings by saying things nicely. I have also degraded him when i was really angry because I wanted him to hurt as much as me. But I am not going to try to make him feel guilty or ashamed, I'm just going to focus on what this is doing to me as well. I know his recovery is about him, but I matter too. If we are in this together, then he needs to know everything I am feeling regardless of how it makes him feel.

And when it comes to rehab, insurance/money isn't an issue. He has medical insurance, and between me, his parents, and my parents we will find a way to pay for inpatient treatment. Also, places like Cenikor (there are facilities in Louisiana and Texas) only initially charge $300 to enter the program. Then the patient PAYS THEM BACK. After they complete 6 months of inpatient rehab, the facility helps patients find a job and learn to take responsibility for themselves, including paying for their own rehab. I believe Cenikor takes a portion of their weekly paycheck until they are repaid for the treatment the patient received. I think this is a wonderful approach! And it also takes the "I can't afford it" excuse away. We live in Louisiana, so this is definitely an option. But he won't even consider it right now. Oh well, he has to compromise or live elsewhere. I have compromised for too damn long!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, it really did help.

Wish me luck! Time to get some much needed sleep!

allforcnm

I think you will do fine, you seem very centered. My husbands rehab focused a great deal on communication and being honest with our feelings; hasn't failed us yet. Sending you LUCK...

Ann

Any program, in patient or out, long or short is about as good as the addicted person's willingness to work it. If he is truly ready, he will work his program as if his life depended on it...because it does. If he isn't ready, not a program in the world can help him. Sorry but that's a hard truth that took me a long time to learn.

Go and be honest. You don't have to "justify" your feelings, you feel what you feel. You don't have to "justify" your decisions, you just need to make the ones that are best for you and your family. What you think and feel is valid, remember that.

He has choices, he can choose recovery or he can choose the street. You aren't the one putting him there, he is.

Good luck, this must be a very painful time for you.

Hugs

cleaninLI

Photoartist, the way you wrote your post is the way you should speak while in family therapy. You have been honest and very precise about what you feel would benefit your husband as well as what you will do to keep your home safe. You have been dragged along with your husbands IV oxy addiction for the past four years. I am sure you are completely fed up with all his lies and empty promises. I agree with you that impatient is most definately the best option for your husband. I am attending an intensive outpatient program and noticed that the majority attending my program vs. impatient do so because they have other responsibilities such as jobs, college or children and cannot spend time away in an impatient facility. It looks to me that your husband is free to dedicate 24/7 to his recovery. As well as job assistance after completing the program. This is a chance of a lifetime to get his life in order. Unfortunately, like Ann said "any program is as good as the addicted persons willingness to work it"

Good luck to you and prayers to you and your family that your husband will find it within himself to make the most of this wonderful opportunity!

I just wanted to mention one thing to you. I too am an oxy addict. I have 8 months oxy free. I am using suboxone for maintenance. I feel it has saved my life and given me the chance to break the cycle of addiction and work my program. I am beginning to taper this week and hope to be completely oppiate free within a year. My family could tell you that my behavior while actively using and now on sub are like night and day. Of course this method isn't for everyone. I just wanted you to know that it is an option that is available should your husband choose to go this route. There is a sub forum on this site with a little info in the stickies above. Good luck and kudos to you for maintaining strong boundaries!

PhotoArtist

Thanks to all of you for your input & support.

Ann, thanks for your honesty. I know that he has to be ready to change and that it is his choice, but it doesn't hurt to hear it from other people as well. I used to think that if I loved him enough, he would change. And it hurts to admit it, but no amount of love will change someone. It doesn't matter how much he loves me, I am who I am and that won't change. I've tried to change myself in order to be with him, but I finally realized that no one is worth changing who I am. I'm a good person, I like who I am and am not willing to lose any part of myself because of his addiction. So why would it be any different for him?

If he is comfortable with who he is, then he shouldn't have to change himself to please me. But that doesn't mean that I should compromise my own beliefs and morality to be with him. I have to get rid of these expectations, stop thinking about how this should be and accept that it is what it is. But my codependency is screaming "do something!", "help him!", "change him!". I never expected that loving someone could be this difficult. I'm just tired of clawing my way through life.

I'm sitting in my car right now mentally preparing myself for what may happen in there. Guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and deal with this.

Thanks again,

Txhelp

Photoartist....I will pray for you and hope that your family meeting goes well.

You sound very strong although I know sometimes you feel weak.....that is how I feel at times. Honesty is the best as you said.

Let him be in control of his business (recovery or not). You are in control of yours...no matter what your expectations or hopes or his potential......these are the facts. Trying to fight this will make you crazy.

Hugs...

atalose

What says you have to participate face to face? Why not over the phone? You know you better then anyone and if you don't feel strong enough to stick to your boundary then don't do a face to face.

Your still willing to participate but if HIS therapist can't understand you not wanting to do a face to face right now then that is not YOUR problem.

I think you are strong and set a very good boundary for yourself, but let me tell you, I am about 5 months out of a 13 year relationship with an addict and even thought I have a restraining order in place today I know me well enough to know that seeing him face to face is not where my strength lies right now. And there is nothing wrong with that.

You have to start viewing things from YOUR side of the street and doing what is BEST for you and YOUR recovery. HIS recovery is up to him and what ever choices he may make for himself.

I'm behind you 100% if you chose NOT to do a face to face right now, and there would be nothing wrong with that.

LoveMeNow

Great Post Ann.

I, too, started out with a big EGO thinking I could save my husband however thankfully I learned from respected professionals, other RAs and people here on SR that the need had to come from within him and there wasn't anything I could to do to save him.

My codependent thinking used to question if *I* made all the right decisions for *his* recovery, as if I knew it all and knew best. Although, the outcome was not what I desired, I believe my husband has the capability, knowledge, and gonads to make his own choices as this is *his* journey.

Thankfully, I have learned that my ego needed a huge adjustment and I couldn't shouldn't or wouldn't - want to change somebody to be who *i* needed them to be....for me!'

PhotoArtist

Therapy was horrible. I am emotionally exhausted. Will update everyone after I take a nap. Thanks for the comments though

sevenofnine

yes! yes yes yes. I don't really see codependency as a problem for me, but I do think that some of my behaviours and choices have that ring to it. THIS is one of them.

photoartist, I hope things have gone well, or well enough. or i don't know, not crushing? I was going to say I hope things were ok or good, but then I'm wondering what on earth that would look like. Like if the Blue Fairy came down and waved her wand and cast a spell so he could never use again? I guess by 'well' I'm hoping that you were able to hold up your boundary re not letting him back home after only 10 days on a program. I really agree with what Ann and you both said about how he has a choice, he doesn't have to be in rehab, and its not your fault if he is out on the street. Not your job to put a roof over anyone's head if it is damaging you (not even your kids, Ann). And I have MAJOR respect for how hard that must be for you. major. Especially when he was out on the street. last year I had ended up letting STBAH stay in our shed for a week while he looked for a new place because I didn't want him homeless, like me leaving him out on the street would be endangering him to use again.

But LMN is right. It was never me in control of that anyway, and even if I had kicked him out on the street into Canadian winter, that wouldn't have made it my fault if he used or froze to death. We are the authors of our own stories. If STBAH or your AH ended up with nowhere to go, no decent friends to call on, no family willing, well, thats a hole they dug themselves into.

Not that it makes it any easier! Hats off to the mothers and fathers here who have had to do that. I guess the thing is just to remember that unconditional love doesn't equal enabling, or being willing to injure ourselves to do it. I'd donate a kidney to a loved one, but my sanity? not so much.

From what you describe, things were way out of line. way out. I don't want to tell you what to do, lest you feel unsupported if you don't do it, and feel like you don't have any place to go then, but your descriptions of his use were setting off my alarm bells. I was alarmed. syringes have that effect on me I guess, and it just sounds like you are doing the right thing here.

let us know how it has gone ok? and no matter what has gone down, I am proud of you for that week you just spent. That was like an olympic feat of strength to not give in to guilt and to hold your ground on what you know is right, and for that you may deserve a medal.

PhotoArtist

I truly do feel sorry for his mom. She and I are sticking together, helping each other through this. But I can't imagine how difficult this is for her. Her nature is to protect him, and having to let him go is really tearing her apart. But she is doing it because she knows it is best for him, and for her as well.

And you are so very correct - unconditional love does not equal enabling! He tried to pull the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" ******** on me yesterday. And I responded to him with "so when I married you, I was really promising to allow you to put me through living hell, right?". But he also forgets that he promised to be faithful to me (to me, faithful means not lying and deceiving me), to honor and respect me, and to protect me. So he is not honoring the promises he made to me either!

And right now, I feel like I am sacrificing my sanity. I felt like a crazy person after our session yesterday! I am so tired of having to sacrifice who I am, my needs, my values, for him. If he needs a kidney, I'll give him one. But I won't give him a place to live if he chooses not to go to inpatient rehab. That may sound pretty crazy to some people, but I am sure that it makes a lot of sense to those who are going through the same thing I am.

Syringes make me cringe, they make me feel like pulling my hair out, they make me feel worthless. And he knows this. They remind me of the fact that my husband would rather stick a needle in his arm then have a happy life with me, that he is choosing something that could kill him over me. But he has lost all decision making power. He's like a zombie, he reacts to a stimulus (in the zombie's case, live flesh, in my husband's case, syringes and pills). He doesn't think about the dangers of injecting drugs let alone how it is affecting me, he just does it without a second thought. And that is what really scares me. 10 days in detox and outpatient is NOT ENOUGH, and he knows it. I know it. The world knows it. Hopefully he will open his eyes before it is too late, and I fear that too late may be death for him.

Txhelp

You sound so very strong in your boundaries! I agree with you 10 days in detox doesn't mean anything but a beginning. He is in control of his recovery.

sevenofnine

OMG, why did I never think of that!! I have been kind of torturing myself about that sickness and health vow, especially when people make the comparison between addiction and say, cancer, how I wouldn't abandon him if cancer was eating away at him, but that when he is facing this illness, I'm not going to stand by him. Especially since he 'was always there for me when I was struggling with illness' (not! eyeroll!) But what about the years of repeatedly building up my trust only to break it down, the vows he made to me? So flipping true, so much what I needed to hear.

PhotoArtist

IT GOES BOTH WAYS!

and as for the whole addiction/cancer comparison that I have heard a gazillion times...it's a bunch of crap.

Think about it this way:

You have a treatable form of cancer, early stage as well. Your doctor says that chemotherapy is your best chance at beating this. He can't guarantee that it will work, but if you don't do it, if you don't try this treatment, your cancer cells will replicate and spread to other parts of your body, and you will eventually die from the disease.

You choose NOT to go through with chemo treatments. You choose to do it your way even though the chance of you surviving this are slim to none.

Would you expect your husband to just sit there and allow you to pretty much kill yourself right in front of his face? Of course he would try to convince you to get the treatments, because you have so much to live for and you can beat this! But you still choose not to. And it hurts him so badly. He is crushed, he just can't stay in a relationship with someone who would risk her life like that, and hurt the people she loves over and over again. He vowed to stay by your side, "in sickness and in health", and you are sick, very sick. But he just can't do it. He has to let you go.

Does that sound familiar? Hmmmmm? Sure it does. The disease is just different, but the choice to remain sick is not. If someone chooses to be sick, doesn't do everything he or she can do to recover from the disease, no one should be guilted into remaining in a relationship with that person. I bet that just made you feel even better, didn't it?!?