bcimkaela

how long and what did it take for you to finally walk away from an addicted loved one? we are in our 5th year together, and he has hidden his drug use from me the entire time on and off. he came clean for the 3rd time 6 months ago and now my gut is telling me something is up. honestly, i feel like I could handle sticking through the addiction if it was just that..but the verbal/emotional abuse and anger that he shows to me is unbearable. i try to just take it, because its usually right in front of my daughter and i dont want to make a scene in front of her.. but i know that this is not a wise decision either. of course 15 minutes after screaming at me he is acting like all is normal and good.

what lead up to your breaking point of enough is enough?

AnvilheadII

i try to just take it, because its usually right in front of my daughter and i dont want to make a scene in front of her.. but i know that this is not a wise decision either.

that might be enough for some...........

Txhelp

I think everyone is different.

If it's abusive then I think a separation is needed....considering that your daughter is witnessing this behavior and it's not just you in the mix.

For me, my husband is out of the house now due to a relapse that began 2 months ago. He wasn't abusive but avoided and disconnected from the relationship gradually. I didn't want a marriage like that....we haven't been married a year!

terryr97

Enough is enough when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of the crap that you live with. I hung in there for 4 years until I realized that the person I was seeing was the real him and guy that showed me love and kindness was an act. Too much damage and lack of trust made me give up. I was tired of waiting for the guy who loved me to show back up and was sick of the insanity and chaos. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, that's when you know you've had enough. You're love will not change him, no matter how much you want to believe that. They need to want to change themselves. You need to want to change you and your life.

CPGirl84

((hugs)) I agree when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving although it's often hard to sort our thoughts out. I sympathize though, one of the hardest things about dealing with emotional and verbal abuse from my husband is like you describe, they lay it on you, break you down, crush your spirit, and then 15 minutes later act like everything is fine. You HAVE to "bounce back" or it starts over again. And each time it takes another part of your light and your soul along with it. It would be different if after being berated you get at least an attempt at an apology, or acknowledgement, or even a quiet rest of the evening, but it's like a double kick in the pants to have to go along with the "I'm a nice guy and everything is fine" routine right after. It's abusive in it's own way.

Katiekate

Unbearable sounds like enough to me.

sevenofnine

Don't beat yourself up about how long it takes to figure this out! Here are some pieces of wisdom I have picked up here about this:

Loving a person for who they CAN BE, not who they ARE is not a healthy relationship.

leaving too soon, when you aren't ready isn't any healthier- you may just be tearing yourself apart if you are still too attached. its ok to take time to decide. For me I needed to allow one more chance, but only with the promise to myself that this was the last chance, no matter what.

and this was the hard one:
you will know.

I didn't know for a whole year and a half, when I finally started really contemplating leaving, and I came here asking myself the same question you just did. But it didn't feel right to leave then (even if it didn't feel right to stay in it), so I didn't leave the relationship at that point. Now after more time and another relapse, I am able to leave knowing with 100% of my being (well, except maybe the co-dependent voice in me that tells me otherwise, but that voice has its world all messed up, so f*** whatever IT says, and thanks to all here who have helped me stand up to it).

For me, after 13 years together, 9 years married, and many many many relapses, that is enough for me, and I am done. I feel free, I feel better, this is the right thing and I know it and am not haunted by 'what ifs' or possible good outcomes.

If you don't 'know it', that is totally ok too! you are the only one in your place, so no one else can really tell you what is right for you, and maybe you don't really know for yourself, and that is OK. maybe you will stick around, and maybe it will work. maybe you will stick around and it won't work. maybe you will leave and it will work. maybe you will leave and it won't work.

The really really important thing is to do whatever it is you have to do today to make things ok for you. And that might be different tomorrow, and you have to make peace with that.

I heard Daniel Dennett talking about the supercomputer Deep Thought, the one that is so great at chess that no one can beat it. During one game, 16 plays in, it makes a move. then on its next turn, it took it back. All the humans in the audience were laughing and mocking this stupid computer which can't even decide on a plan and stick with it. But the thing is, being flexible, and allowing ourselves to change our mind is a WINNING STRATEGY. Not being flexible to change because there is so much already invested in one strategy already is what put Concorde out of business. this is the Concorde fallacy.

So maybe you already know deep down what you want, but you need more time to know for sure and thats ok. At some point, if it is time to leave, you will know for sure.

I can tell you that I do sort of wish I had run away the very first relapse, so many years ago, because I should have believed then that AH was the person he was showing me he was.

But your situation is yours not mine. You will have to decide for yourself. Ask yourself if you can stay because you can accept your husband EXACTLY as he is today, with no change. If you can't accept who he is with whatever faults you have noticed, it may not be a healthy relationship, and you might just be in love with the fantasy of who he could be, not with who he actually is.

And you can always take more time to decide.
And you can always change your mind.

atalose

I know the way you are handling his outbursts is the only way you feel is in the best interest of your daughter but in reality all you are doing is teaching her that it is ok for a husband to talk that way to a wife and that she is suppose to just accept it.

What children witness is what they will repeat no matter how much you try and talk to them and explain that it is wrong.

Kindeyes

I knew I had made a terrible mistake within six months of marrying my XAH. It took me five years to finally accept that enough was enough. It's much like grieving.....no one can tell another person how to do it or for how long......or even if they should do it.

When the fear (and pain) of staying was greater than the fear (and pain) of leaving......that's when I filed for divorce. I have no regrets. I didn't torture myself with what if's or if I had only's. Because it took such a long time, I was confident that I had tried everything in my power to make that marriage work. It was one of the lowest points in my life but I survived.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

HealingWillCome

It took 5 years of recycling relapses, breakups, sobriety, getting back together, bliss, slow changes in behavior, relapses, etc...for me to accept my reality. It was way too long. I wish I could have let go of xabf in the beginning, but my story didn't play out that way.

What I really want to say, is this: Your daughter is a gift and your greatest responsibility. My children were neglected at times in my 5-year cycle with xabf because of my self-absorbed grief from my relationship with my addict...someone who didn't have the ability to give to me or my children what we needed and deserved. Kind of ugly, but sadly true, that I neglected them for the sake of someone like him. For your daughter's sake and of course, yours, please take a hard look at whether it's healthy for either of you to be with him. You know the answer, deep down. Please don't ignore it. Find whatever help you can, whatever resources you need, to remove yourself from the verbal/emotional abuse that you described. We're here for you if you need us.

overit263

I feel the exact same way!

overit263

Have you tried making a pro and con list? I know it may sound cheesy, but when you actually put down the things that have happened, you start to realize that things are sometimes worse than you think they are. Or it at least opens your eyes a little bit more. I just did this today as I was making a timeline for my lawyer for the divorce. It all looks more horrible on paper than I thought it was when I was going through it all.

sevenofnine

Overit-- me too, was trying to go through and actually tally all the incidents over the years and it hasn't previously dawned on me how many chances I had given because I had managed to truly forgive, and therefore largely forget most of them. Actually counting them up was an eye opener.

Sara21

I had enough when I realized that he loved his drug more than me (more than anything/anyone actually) and I didn't want to take a back seat to his addiction for the rest of my life. Life is too short to be miserable. I didn't want drugs in my life and that meant that either he stopped using or our relationship was over. He continued to use and I filed for divorce. Yes, there are moments of sadness. But there is finally peace in my home and in my life. You and your daughter deserve that too. I'm not saying to leave him, that's up to you and you'll find support here no matter what you decide to do. My question to you is, what are you getting out of this relationship? Does he want to stop using and start a recovery program?

lettingonow

Think of your daughter. She is watching and learning. Let that mommy instinct kick in and the strength that will naturally come with it. If you are not happy and then she is learning her happiness is not a priority either. We all go through trials in life don't you want to stand up for her and yourself? I think of you do this would be a powerful life changing and affirming act. There is NOTHING wrong with saving yourself. Especially when you a have a little one. You can do it and you don't need him. He can only help himself and when he chooses. You might be long gone but that's okay that's the only way they seem to be able to learn.

ejohn18

I too have reached enough although not my sig other, but my son. I struggle to turn my back on him as I know I am all he has. Last night I almost lost my son to a heroin OD. They found him blue and not breathing. By the grace of God, and an injection of Narcan, he is alive today. He had been clean for almost 90days prior. I struggle to understand why he chose to get high one more time. I am new to the disease of addiction and never thought I would have to deal with it in my family. My heart goes out to all who have lived this life...

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....although as always, I am so sorry for the reason that brings you here. There are many parents on this forum who understand what you are dealing with as they also have adult children who are addicted. I am one of them. My son is an addict in recovery but we have been to hell and back as we've struggled to understand this disease.

I am sorry to hear of your son's OD....very frightening. I'm glad that he has been given another chance. He (and all who love him) will be in my prayers.

I would suggest that you start a new thread, tell your story. This way others will see you and be able to welcome you.

Once you have posted a few times, you'll also be able to PM (private message) others.

There is a lot of support here. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke