Story of a 34 year old male
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Story of a 34 year old male
My story begins at the age of 4. I am a happy child, playing right by the ocean on a beautiful, intimate beach and with toys that i can remember still to this day.
Life went by and I had a good childhood not with any particular trauma or abuse. Fantastic parents and siblings.
At the age of 20 I started partying and drinking. Before that I would go out sober, and enjoy the wonderful feeling of going to bed with warm socks, and the cold swedish winterair coming through my window. I always woke up confident and happy the next day, filled with newgained social acquaintances and adventures.
By the age of 27 and being a student, I still had fun partying and it was really exciting. But at 28, at a festival.. I remember drinking the day after a alcohol-hardcore night, just to get rid of the anxiety. But this time it was almost as if a wall broke inside of me. I was not able to get rid of the anxiety, even though drinking. I have also always had problems with blacking out, and loosing my memory during drinking.
The downfall started at 28. At 29 I had fullblown panic attacks and went out running like a maniac in the forest, just to get rid of them. I felt as if I could not breathe. I emptied my body of all possible potential ”panicattack-energy”, which worked pretty well. I also wasn´t really that scared of the attacks.. being used to all kind of different sports that involved crashing and everything. It became almost a game where i welcomed the panic-*** and then it just went away. Furthermore though, after having partied really hard in my student town, I remember the town just slowly turning grey in my eyes… I became clinically depressed.. due to alcohol and never letting myself rest.
By 30, within two weeks, my friend killed himself, whom I had tried to help for half my life, and my beloved pet – my child – died as well. I was already exhausted from examstudies at this time. My dear cat was the most curageous and beautiful friend I had ever had. When he got hurt, we were allowed by him to clean his wounds, and he just sat there in my lap, knowing trustfully that everything was allright. When i came home late at night, i would wissle. And soon fast, dsitinctive feet could be heard from deep within the woods. His black and white body emerged, and he said hello by the doorstep by putting his head against mine. Eventually he got sick and started throwing up. I went to the vet but maybe the kidneys where broken down. He stopped eating. Then one night, I kissed him on the head and I could see in his eyes that he said farewell. The next day he walked away and into the forrest for his last rest. I searched for him every day and night for the two following weeks.
Then everything turned unreal. and I had to go to see a psychologist just to be ensured that the physical world existed, that everything did not just take place in my own head. By that time I understood that I needed to take good care of my mental health. I had big problems even socialising with people, i felt like a freak and my mind was spinning like a circus. My personality was still fairly intact though, and for that I am thankful.
Grief can be such an enormously tough feeling, that it is now no surprise for me that people can be fully mentally hardcore broken down from it.
My solution to get out of this mental trauma was by doing the following:
1. Cut out all stimulants and alcohol and make time to get rest. All physiological stress is really painful in this state. Cut out alcohol, nicotin, coffein, sugar. The body and mind needs to rest. Take multivitamins and especially vitamin b-complex to stop the "circus" in the head.
2. Meet the nature. The spirit of nature shows you rest, calmness and support… walk by the water and let the sun meet your eyes through its waves. Talk to the trees.. hear the wind making its soulnourishing sound, flying through the leaves. This is where you came from, and this is where you eventually will rest.
3. Let time pass. Mental rehabilitation and development takes time. See it as a journey that intially will take 2 years or maybe more.. after that you can start planning your future again.
I have always had some social anxiety problems, especially for some reason, it can be really troubleing for me with eye contact. I get anxious just using the words eye contact. And I drank to get pass this problem. Now I am working on solving that.
I am also creative, and by nature sensitive. These talents are things that i try to evolve and hopefully they will part of my career in the future.
Now – after three years of mental rehab – I am starting to come through as a joyful, social, clearthinking and bravehearted creature again. I say creature because I belong in and with nature, together with my cat. That is where i get my strength and that is were i will also lay down and meet him at some point.
When you are genuinely friendly and humble… things start going your way. And even if they dont, thats the way you can learn to be who you want to be.
Sorry for bad spelling,
Take care
All best
Life went by and I had a good childhood not with any particular trauma or abuse. Fantastic parents and siblings.
At the age of 20 I started partying and drinking. Before that I would go out sober, and enjoy the wonderful feeling of going to bed with warm socks, and the cold swedish winterair coming through my window. I always woke up confident and happy the next day, filled with newgained social acquaintances and adventures.
By the age of 27 and being a student, I still had fun partying and it was really exciting. But at 28, at a festival.. I remember drinking the day after a alcohol-hardcore night, just to get rid of the anxiety. But this time it was almost as if a wall broke inside of me. I was not able to get rid of the anxiety, even though drinking. I have also always had problems with blacking out, and loosing my memory during drinking.
The downfall started at 28. At 29 I had fullblown panic attacks and went out running like a maniac in the forest, just to get rid of them. I felt as if I could not breathe. I emptied my body of all possible potential ”panicattack-energy”, which worked pretty well. I also wasn´t really that scared of the attacks.. being used to all kind of different sports that involved crashing and everything. It became almost a game where i welcomed the panic-*** and then it just went away. Furthermore though, after having partied really hard in my student town, I remember the town just slowly turning grey in my eyes… I became clinically depressed.. due to alcohol and never letting myself rest.
By 30, within two weeks, my friend killed himself, whom I had tried to help for half my life, and my beloved pet – my child – died as well. I was already exhausted from examstudies at this time. My dear cat was the most curageous and beautiful friend I had ever had. When he got hurt, we were allowed by him to clean his wounds, and he just sat there in my lap, knowing trustfully that everything was allright. When i came home late at night, i would wissle. And soon fast, dsitinctive feet could be heard from deep within the woods. His black and white body emerged, and he said hello by the doorstep by putting his head against mine. Eventually he got sick and started throwing up. I went to the vet but maybe the kidneys where broken down. He stopped eating. Then one night, I kissed him on the head and I could see in his eyes that he said farewell. The next day he walked away and into the forrest for his last rest. I searched for him every day and night for the two following weeks.
Then everything turned unreal. and I had to go to see a psychologist just to be ensured that the physical world existed, that everything did not just take place in my own head. By that time I understood that I needed to take good care of my mental health. I had big problems even socialising with people, i felt like a freak and my mind was spinning like a circus. My personality was still fairly intact though, and for that I am thankful.
Grief can be such an enormously tough feeling, that it is now no surprise for me that people can be fully mentally hardcore broken down from it.
My solution to get out of this mental trauma was by doing the following:
1. Cut out all stimulants and alcohol and make time to get rest. All physiological stress is really painful in this state. Cut out alcohol, nicotin, coffein, sugar. The body and mind needs to rest. Take multivitamins and especially vitamin b-complex to stop the "circus" in the head.
2. Meet the nature. The spirit of nature shows you rest, calmness and support… walk by the water and let the sun meet your eyes through its waves. Talk to the trees.. hear the wind making its soulnourishing sound, flying through the leaves. This is where you came from, and this is where you eventually will rest.
3. Let time pass. Mental rehabilitation and development takes time. See it as a journey that intially will take 2 years or maybe more.. after that you can start planning your future again.
I have always had some social anxiety problems, especially for some reason, it can be really troubleing for me with eye contact. I get anxious just using the words eye contact. And I drank to get pass this problem. Now I am working on solving that.
I am also creative, and by nature sensitive. These talents are things that i try to evolve and hopefully they will part of my career in the future.
Now – after three years of mental rehab – I am starting to come through as a joyful, social, clearthinking and bravehearted creature again. I say creature because I belong in and with nature, together with my cat. That is where i get my strength and that is were i will also lay down and meet him at some point.
When you are genuinely friendly and humble… things start going your way. And even if they dont, thats the way you can learn to be who you want to be.
Sorry for bad spelling,
Take care
All best
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