Maria089

I posted this in another forum but oh we'll... I came to this site to get some advice on how to help my husband.. He is addicted to oxy. He tried getting sober two years ago and was put on subs, but after about 9 months he relapsed and his addiction has been slowly consuming his entire life. Oxy is all he thinks about, talks about, and reads about. He doesn't want to do anything unless he's high. The amount of time he spends trying to get pills and meeting up with people is insane... Not to mention money spent. He lies to me and hides text messages.. even went as far as talking to a stripper to get pills, which is absolutely not okay when your pregnant wife is sitting at home wondering why you won't answer your phone. When we first got together he was sober, and openly talked about his past addiction.. he was doing so good I didn't think relaps would be a question. After he found out you can in fact get high even while taking subs, sobriety was out of the question. I moved across state to be with him (his job is reason why), we were just married in May, and have a beautiful baby girl that was born in July. I told him a couple days ago that he needs to quit the oxy and just stick with the subs. I'm tired of all the lies, and all his time and energy wasted on his damn pills and no time or energy goes to his family. I feel like he's abandoned us emotionally. I don't know how to save our marriage. Any advice on how to deal with this situation? If I catch him lying, hiding messages, or high one more time... We are gone.

KeepinItReal

Leaving is what we want to do. It's fight or flight. I hope someone else has some advice for you. I tried everything imaginable to manipulate my AH to go to rehab. Nothing worked (as he didn't have the problem)
I left him and it took him 8 months and jail to finally say he needed help.
It's a long road. I travel on it because I believe he will get better but he also tells me how much he wants to get better.
I'm guilty of "throwing him out" and not following through with it. I knew he was back in active addiction last May. I began my ranting. Of course he denied it... and had full intentions on stopping. That didn't work.
Now, he's back in jail for Violation of Probation and hopefully will be attending a 14 month faith based program. I will feel much better once he's there.

pravchaw

Maria - Sorry for what you are going through esp. with a new baby to take care of and a husband who is awol. I am the dad of a 21 yo who is fortunately in recovery at the present time but we went to hell and back for the last 3 years.

It is good that you gave him the ultimatum - are you prepared to follow through for your own (and your child's) sake?

You can't really persuade him with words - addicts only understand action. Its very difficult to break through the fog of drugs. They need to experience the negative consequences of their addiction. Frankly it is very difficult to quit opiates without treatment or help. The best thing for him is get into detox and/or rehab.

You need to take care of yourself. Can you get to a Nar-anon or Al-anon meeting? It will be very valuable for you to learn about addiction and essentially your powerlessness over your addict.

Great that you have found SR. Its has helped me stay sane over the last many months.

crazybabie

Maria, I am sorry your going through this addiction is a terrible beast. I am glad you found SR as you can see your not alone.

I find it better if I do not give ultimatums as it can be seen as manipulation at times instead I set boundaries the difference is the boundaries are for me such as I will not live with an active addict or I will not accept phone calls after so and so time etc...


My suggestion is read the stickies at the top of the page learn as much as you can and try Nar-anon or Al-anon.

Maria089

I have thought very long, and very hard about leaving. And yes I feel prepared to follow through, I feel I would have no choice but to leave. My husband asked if I would go to one of the meetings you mentioned above with him.. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our family. My husband who is 27 (me 24) has a very good relationship with his mom and has a lot of respect for her... I was thinking about talking to her about his relaps. She has no idea and still thinks he's clean. I feel she could help, but my husband would be very mad if I told her. I just don't know what to do... I also have a 6 year old from a previous relationship that I have custody of, he was very close to my husband until the addiction took control.. And I have to look out for his sake too. This is just a giant mess

crazybabie

Maria, the meetings I mentioned are for the people (us) who love an someone who is addicted was he possibly asking you to go to one of the AA or Na meetings which are for the one who is addicted?

You have so much on your plate especially for someone so young.

Maria089

He asked if I'd go to the one for the loved ones.. But I think he wanted to go with too? He mentioned me going to NA with him also... He said it's easier when you have someone to go with.

cleaninLI

Hi Maria, I'm a recovered addict. I'm not giving advice, just telling my story. My doc was also Oxys. I'm very close to my parents also. Lets put it this way, how my parents feel about me holds a lot of weight. I had a very hard time funding my oxy addiction. I called my father weekly to beg for money. I used every sob story I could think of. It usually had something to do with my car breaking down or rent being due or groceries needed etc.. You get the picture. Well, my 23 year old daughter overheard a couple of my conversations and tattled on her Mama. she told her Grandpa what her Mom was really spending all that money on! Thank you very much my sweet caring daughter who I know had her mother's best interests at heart. Now you may be wondering was I angry. Of course I was at first. Am I angry now? Not at all. Do I think she made the right decision? Of course, yes! In fact it helped to number 1. Stop my father's enabling dead in its tracts. Number 2. It made me completely embarrassed that my parents knew about my addiction. Number 3. It forced me to look at the extent I would go to feed my addiction. (Lie, and cheat my father) Number 4. It made me realize how much my addiction was hurting my family. Number 5. It kept me from being able to support my addiction.

I don't know what your situation is or the family dynamics but it positively impacted my life and I have already told my daughter that if she sees her Mama pick up again. She needs to first tell Daddy and second call Grandpa. This is me though. I care about what my family thinks of me. Accountability works very well for me. It's a lot like joining an IOP and not using because you know you will be drug tested. I think every addict needs to discover what works best for them. I hope this helps!

Hugs and prayers

help4hubby

Maria, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to your situation as my husband was very much the same way when we first started dating (his addiction was in the past and he greatly minimized the severity of his situation). Looking back on it now, I was very naive about it all, but SR has helped me tremendously. I've learned not to make any threats that I'm not prepared to follow through with. I can't tell you how many times I said I would leave but didn't, no wonder he didn't take me seriously.

I also have a great relationship with my husband's mom. I found her to be my strongest supporter through this all. I held off on telling her about my husband's relapses in the past bc my husband had told me she would have him put in jail (not true). When I finally came to her she was so helpful she told me things/excuses to watch for and together we developed a strategy. I found my friends and family to be more supportive of me but not so supportive of my husband or his recovery. Given that you two have a child together I would think that your mother in-law could also be an excellent resource for you. Best of luck to you.

Maria089

My husband highly values his moms opinion, but she will be upset if she finds out. I will give him a couple weeks and see how he's doing then. I have to give him a chance... Today is his first day off oxy, he said he feels like crap..
I'm glad you were able to beat the devil, how long did it take you to feel "normal"? My husband has been an addict for about 5 years also..

Maria089

Yeah I definitely agree my mother-in-law is going to be very beneficial to his recovery. I just really hope he is truly ready.. Ugh

BlueChair

I dont think I could have made it through this without the help of my husbands parents, my own too, but his parents have a lot of knowledge, and they have a lot of influence over him, he respects them and knows they have his best interest at heart. I know all families are different and for some it might make it worse getting family involved, you have to decide I think.

My husband had to go to inpatient treatment, he was too sick and would not have been able to stop without it. Its not only their wanting to stop because they are not thinking rationally. The doctor from the hospital was telling us he needed more than a month of treatment, and he was saying he was fine could come home and would do outpatient, he didnt have a clue what he needed because of being sick. Rehab is making a big difference for us now. I hope you can get some support from the family, and he will get the help he needs.

cleaninLI

Maria I've been clean for almost 8 months now. I'm using suboxone for maintenance. I've been attending an outpatient program. I haven't had to much problem with energy probably because of the sub. I will begin to taper soon and will probably be completely off within a year. I tried numerous attempts with cold turkey without success so that is why I opted going the sub route this time around. This is a relapse that began about 3 years ago. The first time I went cold turkey and used naltrexone. I had 5 years clean time until a neighbor lady offered me some Vic's. I thought I could take a couple. WRONG! Within a month I was off to the races again. This relapse caused much more damage and severe consequences. I do believe I reached my bottom. I most definately understand that I'm truly an addict and will always be an addict. There is no cure. I also learned (the hard way) that one is too many and 100,000,0000 never enough! So for today I've decided not to use.
My parents were also extremely angry as were my husband and daughter when they learned that I had relapsed. As I'm sure your mother-in-law would be if you told her. I understand that you want to give your husband a chance and that's nice of you. But if he doesn't take his recovery seriously you may have to enlighten his mom. From my experience secrecy served only 1 purpose. It kept me deep into active addiction. Just something to think about.

Hugs

story74

I found out my husband was cheating on me and on cocaine all in the same day. I was in shock. I was probably in flight or fight mode. I remember telling him either go to rehab or leave. He asked if I would still be there for him. I said yes. I meant it. I didn't care about the cheating. I wanted to help him get healthy. He said he had to think about it and went for a walk. He took off. never saw him again or had a rational conversation with him again. He, of course, angrily told me that I was controlling and that how dare I gave him an ultimatum....never was there remorse for the cheating. lies and abandonment. This was 2.5 years ago. Everything happened VERY fast. But, looking back at it all now, I am very thankful that I was strong and smart in this situation. I did the right thing. What else did he expect me to do? Allow his emotionally abusive non committal immature behavior? Now, after he took off, I begged him to get help and come back. But, he said he didn't have a drug problem and refused to talk to me. Probably for the best. I think the point I found out about the drugs, he was in major addiction mode. He had a girlfriend and a rich buddy that enabled his behaviors. So, I was just this "nag". He knew that if he came back into my life, he would have to stop using drugs. So he ran. The only thing that could help your marriage if your husband decides he wants to get sober and he tries to recover. I think you both would have to work the steps, go to meetings and get therapy. If he is willing to do that great. Otherwise...read this site. There are so many stories. I know in my heart that my x husband and I could have been together forever. I was willing to do anything and work on anything. He was not. I was terrified when he walked out on me. Thankfully, my parents live down the street and have helped out watching my son and financially. I found a great job. I basically started over. New home, new job and new friends. It has been hard. I am always exhausted (my son is 5), I have no life, and at times I am depressed. BUT, I'm doing it. In fact, I can do it. and, you can too! I miss him, but I don't need him.

story74

Just my two cents, maybe you should tell his mother together. That would be the first step in wanting recovery in my eyes. If you tell her without his consent he will just use that against you. Addicts can get very angry and become very entitled. Sending many blessings.

Maria089

I'm just tired of how he treats me when he's not high, and I think it's time for me to go. I have struggled with depression since I was 14, and he sure knows how to bring it out. I'm tired of being sad. It's so hard to walk away when you love someone so much, but I can't take anymore.

LoveMeNow

He is nicer when he is high?

Maria089

Yes

Maria089

Why... Is that odd?! What does that mean?

LoveMeNow

I really don't know what is odd or "normal" anymore. Yet, I have noticed that when my husband is in active addiction - he is very different and not very likable. Then again, there were times that he was using again, I had no idea either and he was very sweet.....but eventually the deflection and blame shifting came out.

I do know the first week to two weeks after he stops, he has a lot of highs and lows and is pretty miserable to be around.