Any suggestions....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Any suggestions....
I was just reading and replying to a post on another thread when I realized I could use some pointers and tools on how to not compare out or down? I really still struggle with this still. Sometimes it makes me feel better but most of the time it makes me feel worse. 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What are you comparing, LMN, your situation?
Sometimes I felt it tricky in recovery to take my time and apply what I learn to my situation. Sometimes what seemed easy for others was terribly difficult for me, but I reminded myself that I am not "others" and my struggle, my problems and my pace of recovery are all valid.
Or are you comparing your husband to others? Or his recovery or lack of it? That's tricky too because he's not "others" either.
I am confused, just not sure what you mean.
Hugs
Sometimes I felt it tricky in recovery to take my time and apply what I learn to my situation. Sometimes what seemed easy for others was terribly difficult for me, but I reminded myself that I am not "others" and my struggle, my problems and my pace of recovery are all valid.
Or are you comparing your husband to others? Or his recovery or lack of it? That's tricky too because he's not "others" either.
I am confused, just not sure what you mean.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I think it's human nature to compare one another. We want to feel that we are better than others which is a dark quality I think we all have.
As long as we stop ourselves in our tracks and say - we shouldn't be going there... that's the best we can do.
We should feel good about our personal attributes and remember that our Addicted loved ones shouldn't be a reflection of ourselves. We are different because we have chosen to live a good and peaceful life. Whatever their choices are - we don't have to live with them (maybe suffer consequences as we allow them to or not)
In no way does anyone have a right to judge US by what others do. Related or not.
I hope that helps. It helps me. I don't want to be judged my what my family does or does not do.. but on my actions alone.
As long as we stop ourselves in our tracks and say - we shouldn't be going there... that's the best we can do.
We should feel good about our personal attributes and remember that our Addicted loved ones shouldn't be a reflection of ourselves. We are different because we have chosen to live a good and peaceful life. Whatever their choices are - we don't have to live with them (maybe suffer consequences as we allow them to or not)
In no way does anyone have a right to judge US by what others do. Related or not.
I hope that helps. It helps me. I don't want to be judged my what my family does or does not do.. but on my actions alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
I think to compare, that seems normal human nature to do. But to judge...no one should do that, it's not fair and it certainly isn't right. Sobriety is accomplished differently by everyone who is trapped in addiction. My children are judged all the time and that hurts them, makes them paranoid and weak. I think if the people who judge others should take a long look in their back yards, they may be surprised and feel foolish to find addiction may have touch their lives too. Have a happy nonjudgmental weekend everyone! TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I feel like this is an especially easy trap to fall into for people whose spouses arrived at their addiction through prescribed medication, like your husband. And I totally understand why. I mean, it seems like it would be so much different.
My sister chose to get all messed up on meth, then come down with street oxy, and when that wasn't available she started shooting up heroin. She dropped out of high school, she has never had a job, and now she's basically an adult baby. Your husband was told by a doctor to take medicine that was supposed to cure him of his ailment. He trusted a professional to help him, and that trust backfired. They are such vastly different scenarios, and yet now that we're here - now that we're in active addiction, they are both the same.
Now that we're here, they are the same. It's really not fair. But it just is what it is.
I really appreciate you raising this question, though. I don't always know how to handle it when this is happening. Sometimes I feel like certain people think their loved one is "not as bad as" or "better than" people like my sister - but I know that their terminal uniqueness is their own sickness, and my over-sensitivity and defensiveness is mine.
I've learned so much through your posts on this board, I'm glad we can share like this.
My sister chose to get all messed up on meth, then come down with street oxy, and when that wasn't available she started shooting up heroin. She dropped out of high school, she has never had a job, and now she's basically an adult baby. Your husband was told by a doctor to take medicine that was supposed to cure him of his ailment. He trusted a professional to help him, and that trust backfired. They are such vastly different scenarios, and yet now that we're here - now that we're in active addiction, they are both the same.
Now that we're here, they are the same. It's really not fair. But it just is what it is.
I really appreciate you raising this question, though. I don't always know how to handle it when this is happening. Sometimes I feel like certain people think their loved one is "not as bad as" or "better than" people like my sister - but I know that their terminal uniqueness is their own sickness, and my over-sensitivity and defensiveness is mine.
I've learned so much through your posts on this board, I'm glad we can share like this.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am really comparing me and my own recovery. For example, I don't understand why I stayed in denial about addiction for so long. I don't understand why I haven't fully detached yet. Sometimes, I view others as stronger, with more self respect and self esteem because they walked away and I haven't completely yet.
It's been about 3 months since I have really worked on me and I am really feeling the difference.
It's been about 3 months since I have really worked on me and I am really feeling the difference.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
LMN
I fell in love with the Desiderata the first time I read it. I keep a copy of it by my desk to remind me of things such as comparing myself to others. So much of it speaks to me. If you haven't read it....here it is.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
By Max Ehrmann
gentle hugs
ke
I fell in love with the Desiderata the first time I read it. I keep a copy of it by my desk to remind me of things such as comparing myself to others. So much of it speaks to me. If you haven't read it....here it is.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
By Max Ehrmann
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 18
Sometimes I have to remember that there are times when the why of things is irrelavent. What then becomes relavent is what I am going to do about them. I do try to relate to others more than comparing myself to them. I find less stress in doing so.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Kindeyes, thanks for sharing! I found a copy online and printed it out to put on my wall.
LMN, I'm glad you asked this question. In my life, I can tend to be competitive and to be a perfectionist. I think it is healthier for me to look at myself and see how I've grown and improved rather than comparing myself with what others have done. I think it is good that I have a drive to improve myself. However, I think it is self-defeating to have that drive from without myself rather than within myself. This is good stuff to ponder, and doesn't just apply to codependency!
LMN, I'm glad you asked this question. In my life, I can tend to be competitive and to be a perfectionist. I think it is healthier for me to look at myself and see how I've grown and improved rather than comparing myself with what others have done. I think it is good that I have a drive to improve myself. However, I think it is self-defeating to have that drive from without myself rather than within myself. This is good stuff to ponder, and doesn't just apply to codependency!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
LMN, I think you are being hard on yourself. Recovery is a journey and a process and there are no tests or ratings along the way. We do not judge each other and more importantly, we do not judge ourselves. My recovery is tested at least once a week and I am not perfect at all. I stumble and bumble all the time and just make the best of whatever knocks me off balance.
There is no time frame, recovery means we progress with whatever timing works for us personally. Sometimes we pause to rest. Sometimes we step back and re-walk part of our journey, but we walk together her and we're walking with you today.
You are doing just fine, you are just fine and with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
It is because of making to many comparisons that I've stopped using Facebook, which I realized was making me compare myself to all the best sides of my friends and family (but of course you don't really see the other side of their life). I also feel down that it took me over a decade to realise I want more out of a romantic relationship, and to see that holding out for AH to change was hurting me too much and wasn't really coming to fruition any time soon.
I am trying my best to only compare myself to myself, to look at how far I've come, and where I want to go, not where others are at. I also avoid television and magazines that are filled with averts that sneak unhealthy standards for beauty,body, wealth and happiness that just aren't realistic for me.
After I took back AH last year after that relapse, I started to avoid SR, because I felt like I wasn't measuring up here, because I went soft on my boundary. But now that I've hardened it back up again, I'm thinking that maybe that comparison was actually healthy for me, forcing me to want more. So maybe it's about navigating all the comparisons, and choosing which ones are useful, functional and positively motivating, and which ones aren't. Because looking up to a higher goal isn't a bad thing, but being stuck blaming yourself for not reaching it is.
I cant recall who said this, maybe Einstein.. but i like it a lot. "humanity's problem isn't aiming too high and failing, but aiming too low and succeeding"
The point is to see if the goal I'm aiming for is genuinely above me and also whether thinking about it actually results in a positive outcome or just drags me down to feel inadequate. If feeling bad makes me do better, maybe it's worth it ultimately, but more often feeling bad makes me do worse and expect less of myself. So it's more useful for me to focus on just my own trajectory and be happy it's upwards, even if that means only a tiny improvement, a 2% grade.
And also LMN, at least from my POV, I do see lots of improvement in you over the last year. You are talking so much more about you, not about how to fix him, and you have really been digging down to try to understand yourself and to do better. Don't confuse HIS lack of progress with your own--because from here it seems that you've made lots of progress. Keep it up!!
I am trying my best to only compare myself to myself, to look at how far I've come, and where I want to go, not where others are at. I also avoid television and magazines that are filled with averts that sneak unhealthy standards for beauty,body, wealth and happiness that just aren't realistic for me.
After I took back AH last year after that relapse, I started to avoid SR, because I felt like I wasn't measuring up here, because I went soft on my boundary. But now that I've hardened it back up again, I'm thinking that maybe that comparison was actually healthy for me, forcing me to want more. So maybe it's about navigating all the comparisons, and choosing which ones are useful, functional and positively motivating, and which ones aren't. Because looking up to a higher goal isn't a bad thing, but being stuck blaming yourself for not reaching it is.
I cant recall who said this, maybe Einstein.. but i like it a lot. "humanity's problem isn't aiming too high and failing, but aiming too low and succeeding"
The point is to see if the goal I'm aiming for is genuinely above me and also whether thinking about it actually results in a positive outcome or just drags me down to feel inadequate. If feeling bad makes me do better, maybe it's worth it ultimately, but more often feeling bad makes me do worse and expect less of myself. So it's more useful for me to focus on just my own trajectory and be happy it's upwards, even if that means only a tiny improvement, a 2% grade.
And also LMN, at least from my POV, I do see lots of improvement in you over the last year. You are talking so much more about you, not about how to fix him, and you have really been digging down to try to understand yourself and to do better. Don't confuse HIS lack of progress with your own--because from here it seems that you've made lots of progress. Keep it up!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I don't understand why I stayed in denial about addiction for so long.
I don't understand why I haven't fully detached yet.
Sometimes, I view others as stronger, with more self respect and self esteem because they walked away and I haven't completely yet.
See? It serves no useful purpose to compare ourselves to others. When something serves no useful purpose and we accept that it serves no useful purpose........we can turn our energies toward something of greater value.
gentle hugs
ke
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