JadeSatellite

I made a mistake tonight. My partner was having a panic attack, and unfortunately purchased what was my favorite drink - vodka, even though they said they were going to quit.

I had a weak moment and asked for a little bit. They said no. I told them I was having a weak night and to please not let me see it.

I waited a little, and still had that temptation. I asked again for a little. They lamented, and I took a capful to drink.

But here's the thing... I f*cking HATED it. As soon as it was in my mouth I spit it out in the sink - I couldn't swallow. I don't know if it was my body or me that stopped me from swallowing, but I'm glad it did.

And so now I'm upstairs in my bedroom, about to watch a video and be glad that I didn't like what was my favorite drink just 4 days ago.

Other than being glad I didn't like it, I am again a little disappointed in myself I had that weak moment, when I had been so steadfast in never drinking again. I was resolute, and I let that voice "Just one...!" get the better of me.

Elisabeth888

I am glad you didn't like it. Don't try that experiment again though!!! For me, tasting alcohol is liking waking up the beast. If I even taste it, the chances are that I will chug it and we all know where that goes.

Amajorityofone

If your partner knows you stopped drinking, why would they choose to bring a form of alcohol, that they know you like, around you in the first place? If this isn't malicious intent, than I don't know what is.

Sounds like you two need to have a talk.

hawkeyefan

If there was Vodka near me, I'm not sure if I could resist the temptation, as of now. I'd liked to think I would, but for right now I'm not taking any chances. Thankfully my husband will have an occasional beer and that doesn't tempt me in the least..mainly because I don't want to ruin my sobriety on something I really don't care for. Glad you were strong and walked away, if will really help your resolve to quit drinking!!

JadeSatellite

I don't want to try it again. I hated it. It wasn't comforting or tasty or anything I thought it would be. It didn't soothe me, it didn't fill a void. It was just a bitter reminder of what I never want to do or be again. I just, feel shame I goaded my partner into letting me have a drink, even though they already said no once. I should have hopped onto this website and talked to you folks.

But, this was a bad night for my partner, and I was stressed out. I let the addiction get the best of me, thinking a drink would calm me. It didn't. What calmed me down was spitting it out, putting my partner to bed and coming here onto this website.

JadeSatellite

Amajority -- we did have a talk, and they said yesterday they'd stop drinking too because they were using it for their recent panic attacks (which wasn't helping, but hurting). They bought the vodka on the way home thinking it would help - (just like I used to think it would) - but it didn't and just made things spiral out of control. I calmed and soothed them, suggested we eat dinner and watch a movie. They finally were calm enough to fall asleep. Believe me, they didn't do it out of malicious intent; we both have a problem, and I think they are realizing that they need to quit too. They said that just yesterday, and had me pour out another bottle they had bought and hidden.

doggonecarl

Hence my warning to prepare for when the "glow" of early sobriety wore off and you had to deal with the flip side of early recovery. Glad you didn't drink.

JadeSatellite

I'm gonna get that glow back!! ;D

Notmyrealname

Well it doesn't sound like the schoolbus crashed into the old folks' home or anything, you didn't chug the bottle and head out for more, so no harm no foul this time around I suppose. But those habits, they die hard. It's tough to break out of that drunk character, takes lots of will and work.

Just need to come up with the right answer in those situations and start doing it consistently and then you have momentum and things start to turn your way. (in theory, anyway)

You can do it!

GotGrace

"The school bus didn't crash into the old folks' home." I love it! Have to remember that one. Thanks, Notmy!

Amajorityofone

Friend-

I apologize in advance if what I am about to say comes across the wrong way. I shoot from the hip and that gets me in trouble sometimes.

Your living conditions sound awfully precarious. Thus, if you are even remotely serious about your sobriety, and it sounds like you are, then I would draw a hard line and ask your partner to keep all alcohol and drug related substances a considerable distance from the home.

Good luck and God Bless

JadeSatellite

That is probably a good idea. I'll talk to them tomorrow morning once they are awake and feeling better.

Br00ksie

If not malicious, then SELFISH! I second the "talk" notion.

If both of you have a problem and he/she isn't ready to quit, then you can't make them, and if you are going to share a space with an addict/alcoholic while you are in recovery, it would be a good idea to set boundaries that will prevent another instance of you doing something that you regret.

Boundaries are difficult to set at first, but they are inherent to a successful recovery!

JadeSatellite

They aren't malicious or selfish, at least no more than I have been to them when I was a black-out drunk. :/ We're both having issues that need addressed.

JadeSatellite

I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug if it sounds like I'm shrugging the problems off. I'm not. My partner was in a bad car accident on sunday (not drinking related at all, they spun out on a wet road) and they are not handling it well. Tonight they had a very bad panic attack, one I've never seen them have before and it was very stressful for both of us.

Boy, when I read it back it does sound like I'm making excuses for them. I'm being understanding, because I've been there - the panic attacks (I'm on medication for them now for a month), the drinking to try and quiet them... so I know why they did what they did. And I forgive them.

They apologized for doing it. It's not like them to act like this. I guess the bottom line is that we are both experiencing things that we haven't before, and we're just in the early days of trying to cope with them.

There will be a talk tomorrow though. And I will let you guys know how it goes.

MythOfSisyphus

You blinked a little but didn't flinch. I'd say you did good.

JadeSatellite

Thanks sisyphus