This emotional roller coaster...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
This emotional roller coaster...
Welp... I got a letter from my jailbird ABF today. It was full of woe...
"Being in here [meaning jail] has been the most serious eye opening experience of my life."
"I've made a promise to myself to wake the hell up, take some responsibility for my life, and make it the best that I can."
"I don't want to go out and get drunk. I NEVER again want to get so drunk that I can't control myself or make level headed decisions."
AND THEN....
"I don't want anything to do with alcohol UNTIL I figure out what is causing me to drink in such a destructive manner. Even then nursing a couple beers with water or drinking a glass of wine with dinner or friends, but nothing past that."
AND THEN....
I realized how sick he actually IS. He has this illusion that he can somehow control drinking... that it's not controlling him. This says to me that he has no intention of getting better, only putting a Band-Aid over the real problem. To me these sound like more and more empty promises. To be honest, when I first read the letter I felt the all too familiar glimmer of hope, hope that he might actually be ready to take on recovery and get better. But I don't think that's the case. And that hope faded fast.
"Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior."
AND THEN...
I realized that no matter what he does, whether he goes into full recovery or tries "control-drinking" or turns back into an active-alcoholic, I'm okay with it. Because I won't let him drag me down with him any longer. I'm getting off this emotional roller coaster at the next stop. I still want the best for him, very much. But I want better for myself as well and he can't give me that, no one can but ME. It's easy to feel these things when he isn't around. I hope I can find ways to hold onto this when he gets out in a couple weeks.
I also realized if he somehow does go into FULL recovery.... I have absolutely NO IDEA how I will handle that.
One day at a time. Trying to make it into Recovery myself!
"Being in here [meaning jail] has been the most serious eye opening experience of my life."
"I've made a promise to myself to wake the hell up, take some responsibility for my life, and make it the best that I can."
"I don't want to go out and get drunk. I NEVER again want to get so drunk that I can't control myself or make level headed decisions."
AND THEN....
"I don't want anything to do with alcohol UNTIL I figure out what is causing me to drink in such a destructive manner. Even then nursing a couple beers with water or drinking a glass of wine with dinner or friends, but nothing past that."
AND THEN....
I realized how sick he actually IS. He has this illusion that he can somehow control drinking... that it's not controlling him. This says to me that he has no intention of getting better, only putting a Band-Aid over the real problem. To me these sound like more and more empty promises. To be honest, when I first read the letter I felt the all too familiar glimmer of hope, hope that he might actually be ready to take on recovery and get better. But I don't think that's the case. And that hope faded fast.
"Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior."
AND THEN...
I realized that no matter what he does, whether he goes into full recovery or tries "control-drinking" or turns back into an active-alcoholic, I'm okay with it. Because I won't let him drag me down with him any longer. I'm getting off this emotional roller coaster at the next stop. I still want the best for him, very much. But I want better for myself as well and he can't give me that, no one can but ME. It's easy to feel these things when he isn't around. I hope I can find ways to hold onto this when he gets out in a couple weeks.
I also realized if he somehow does go into FULL recovery.... I have absolutely NO IDEA how I will handle that.
One day at a time. Trying to make it into Recovery myself!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
"To be honest, when I first read the letter I felt the all too familiar glimmer of hope, hope that he might actually be ready to take on recovery and get better. But I don't think that's the case. And that hope faded fast.
"Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior." "
Sounds like a lot of empty promises - Kudos to you for seeing that! Sounds like you are on the road to recovery :-) Glad you are here!
"Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior." "
Sounds like a lot of empty promises - Kudos to you for seeing that! Sounds like you are on the road to recovery :-) Glad you are here!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's not speaking about recovery at all. He's speaking about not drinking until he thinks he has it figured out and then will control it. That plan is doomed to failure.
Kudos to you for seeing this for what it is. Wish him well, and leave him to his path. Stay on YOUR path towards a healthy life.
Kudos to you for seeing this for what it is. Wish him well, and leave him to his path. Stay on YOUR path towards a healthy life.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I have never seen anyone that appeared a week ago doomed to let some guy drag her down with him...and come back within the week with her eyes wide open.
Never seen that before so quickly! It often takes YEARS.
Congratulations!
His letter...he's sorry, yes...sorry he is in jail. That's about it.
He can't get alcohol there. He's sorry about that, too.
Meanwhile, he writes his fantasy...of how he can have his next drink.
I will visualize it for him...A fantasy of a fine dining experience. Candles, women in high heels, a jazz band perhaps in the background. Him saying things and the whole table laughing. The wine sparkles with the light from the chandeliers, A fine steak is on his plate...his suit is crisp, his wit even crisper!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
And he doesn't even see it...but you do! I do! That letter..sigh...it's more of the same old same ole...
Regrets...he has one...that he is in jail, because there is no alcohol there.
He's already planning his next drink....
Never seen that before so quickly! It often takes YEARS.
Congratulations!
His letter...he's sorry, yes...sorry he is in jail. That's about it.
He can't get alcohol there. He's sorry about that, too.
Meanwhile, he writes his fantasy...of how he can have his next drink.
I will visualize it for him...A fantasy of a fine dining experience. Candles, women in high heels, a jazz band perhaps in the background. Him saying things and the whole table laughing. The wine sparkles with the light from the chandeliers, A fine steak is on his plate...his suit is crisp, his wit even crisper!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
And he doesn't even see it...but you do! I do! That letter..sigh...it's more of the same old same ole...
Regrets...he has one...that he is in jail, because there is no alcohol there.
He's already planning his next drink....
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
He's already planning his next drink....
Isn't it always like that..
I WANT TO GET BETTER AT ANY COST. (next line) Getting better means having one or two, you know, just to be like everyone else.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I also realized if he somehow does go into FULL recovery.... I have absolutely NO IDEA how I will handle that. ( FreetheLove)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Here you are future tripping about something that has NOT even happened yet. It would be in your best interest NOT to allow those type of thoughts to dance through your head.
His recovery is years away. Being in jail does not make an alcoholic recover. It simply takes away the accessible access to booze .
I just have a hunch that by the time he is done with his legal issues, you will have moved on, and are living the healthy life you so deserve.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Here you are future tripping about something that has NOT even happened yet. It would be in your best interest NOT to allow those type of thoughts to dance through your head.
His recovery is years away. Being in jail does not make an alcoholic recover. It simply takes away the accessible access to booze .
I just have a hunch that by the time he is done with his legal issues, you will have moved on, and are living the healthy life you so deserve.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Active A's would rather stick pins in their eyes than stop drinking forever!
Recovery noises from the mouth of A = Quack, Quackity Quack!
The Jailed A's Quacks rev up to the power of 10... after all the misery, the pity party must end with a sparkling alcoholic beverage some day!
However, he must convince everyone else that this is a perfectly wonderful idea and surely everyone will be soooo happy he has such an effective plan to deal with his obvious bad luck and victimization by the world.
Recovery noises from the mouth of A = Quack, Quackity Quack!
The Jailed A's Quacks rev up to the power of 10... after all the misery, the pity party must end with a sparkling alcoholic beverage some day!
However, he must convince everyone else that this is a perfectly wonderful idea and surely everyone will be soooo happy he has such an effective plan to deal with his obvious bad luck and victimization by the world.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
It's not until you read something like this, that you realise how similar everyone's core dealings with their respective alcoholics is! The classic "I'll stop drinking forever - until I can control it! " I hope I can get the same clarity and strength which you have found. Stay strong, be there for yourself and thank you for posting this.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
I don't want to make lite of the post, but this was too cute not to share.
Ducks having a conversation - YouTube
Ducks having a conversation - YouTube
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
So absurd, considering the damage alcohol use has caused thus far, that he wishes to control his drinking. Absurd we think? Of course! We are hearing the musings, or quackings not of a recovering alcoholic, or even an alcoholic contemplating recovery. If an alcoholic has reached the point where control of drinking is possible, it would not be drinking. Moderation stopped being a viable option when the drinking continued despite the growing consequences of drinking. A desire to "control" drinking? No. It is a desire to drink wrapped up in flowery language.
BlueSkies1 nailed it.
BlueSkies1 nailed it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Too bad our A's aren't as cute when they quack as the actual ducks. Love the video!
Hopeworks said, "obvious bad luck and victimization by the world..." So familiar. I believe that was what was going on when my ex "went near a house to pee and got pistol whipped by the homeowner without provocation." Um sure. That guy was just lurking outside his house with a gun, waiting for some innocent, full-bladdered, upstanding citizen to come by and try to pee. Mmhmm, sure. And I'm to dumb to look up the police report and find out what really happened. [Please read with sarcasm.]
Hopeworks said, "obvious bad luck and victimization by the world..." So familiar. I believe that was what was going on when my ex "went near a house to pee and got pistol whipped by the homeowner without provocation." Um sure. That guy was just lurking outside his house with a gun, waiting for some innocent, full-bladdered, upstanding citizen to come by and try to pee. Mmhmm, sure. And I'm to dumb to look up the police report and find out what really happened. [Please read with sarcasm.]
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