lala1027

I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this question. My ex is back and he's in full force. Delivering flowers, talking to every mutual person I know, driving my my house trying to surprise me with things to win me back. Wants me back, today I realized it was making me happy. He's breaking me down. I've been apart from him for 2 months. I'm scared I'm not strong enough to say no. He has said "don't praise me get, I'm not there yet but I'm in the neighborhood to being what you need". "Please allow me to talk to you on Sunday. I know what you deserve and need and although I'm not sober yet Its not as bad as you think." I want to believe him but I can't. He's lied, cheated, pretty much done the worst things anyone could do. He's an alcoholic with ADHD, anxiety, and possible depression. Possible undiagnosed sociopathic/narcissistic tendencies (my psychiatrists opinion). Wasn't always this way but it was after his drinking increased. We have dated and lived together for almost 2 months. I miss the old him, I know it's gone. I'm just so sad and heartbroken I can't take anymore. My psychiatrist is on vacation she won't be back for another week. I feel like I can't breathe. When he comes back professing his love how do I tell someone I love to leave me alone? How do I know if he's telling the truth. My mind tells me no my heart says yes. If anyone with experience has advice please share. Any I insight is helpful.

lala1027

Dated and lived together for almost 2 years not months ****

peaceofpi

I feel for what you're going through. But analyze it with your head first:
* "I'm not sober yet." = "I'm not willing to be sober to be with you."
* "Its not as bad as you think." = "You are wrong, you are always wrong. I can control my drinking, hey, I'm not really an alcoholic!"

PurpleWilder

There is a saying among some people in recovery circles that is half humor but all truth:

How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying?....his lips are moving.

This is gonna sound harsh but I am willing to bet if you stick to your guns and refuse to see him, within a month those messages will go from "you are my soulmate, I can't live without you" to "you are an insensitive biatch for not seeing how wonderful/special/unique I am; screw you" probably followed rapidly by another girlfriend - someone who will believe what he says and let him be his addictive self.

Like I said harsh but you have to remember what life was like with him and not give in. Addicts can be very charming when they want something....

SparkleKitty

Our hearts are always going to believe the best of people we have created bonds with. They are sweet but naive children. It is our brains that have our best interest at heart. They don't make us feel as good as our hearts do, but they can save us a heck of a lot of pain down the road if we listen to them.

Even in this whirlwind of romance in an effort to get you back he has point blank told you he is not ready to stop drinking. He is showing you who he is: a lot of flash and dazzle, and not a lot of substance. Believe him!

HealingWillCome

Deep down you already know the truth.

I always knew, but let my heart take over anyway. More than my heart, it was my abandonment wounds that kept leading me back to him. I've spent my life looking for someone like my alcoholic father to love me and not leave me. So when my xabf would want to come back, I would let him back in, every time.

I have never doubted his love for me. It's real. But it's not stronger than his love for his addictions. That was the part that I finally had to accept and find peace with.

At the end of the day, the only person responsible for my happiness is me. I couldn't count on an unreliable alcoholic/addict to give me the future that I deserve with a partner or spouse. It took me a long time to accept it, but I finally got it. Be good to yourself.

HealingWillCome

I didn't realize that image was so large. But...I found it on Pinterest this morning and then read your post a few minutes later. Thought it was fitting.

allysen

I have a lot of contact with my XAH because of our kids. From time to time he starts with the same sort of behaviour. What I do is take some time to think about how I want to address it. I know that part of what he is doing is trying to keep me on the merry-go-round, which would involve me reacting to what he's doing. So I pretend that he is someone else (maybe a coworker, neighbour, etc) and think of what I would say if it was that person. Chances are, I wouldn't address any of their character flaws, their past mistakes, or make empty threats, etc. But I would use tact and be clear that I'm not interested. Like emailing "I notice the nice things you are trying to do lately, but I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone right now. I think it's best if we go our separate ways for a while. If things change in the future, they change. But for now, this is how I want things to be." or whatever. Good luck to you - such a confusing situation to be in!

huntingtontx

I spent 34 years listening to my heart and not my head. What a waste. You know how he is and he is still drinking and wanting you to except it. That is not good. Stay strong. You
are worth so much more. Just my opinion.

HealingWillCome

That's good sound advice. It keeps your perspective objective and less emotional. Love it.

dandylion

I found this helpful---Make a sign and put it on the fridge or your bathroom mirror---"BEFORE IT IS OVER HE WILL MOP THE KITCHEN FLOOR WITH ME"

Then, make a list on a piece of paper (that you can carry) and list the worst experiences of this relationship). Every time you feel yourself growing weak---read the list and remember why you are suffering. You may have to read it over and over. for a while.

H e loves his alcohol more than anything in the world and he has no intention of getting sober. You can let go or suffer emotional trauma by a thousand cuts (and he still won't care).

Sorry hon, but this is just the reality. You have to deal with reality if you are ever to be happy.

dandylion

**I know it sucks rocks.

Tuffgirl

Well, why not check it out then? If he is making you happy - give it a chance.

Thing is - sometimes it takes sticking one's hand on that hot burner a few times before it finally registers - DANGER - and we stop doing it. Maybe you aren't ready to let this go. Maybe you need more time.

This isn't about you being strong or him wearing you down. I suspect nothing could make you do what you don't want to, right? So you really want to believe he is different this time and you really enjoy the positive attention. That's ok, ya know. Who doesn't enjoy that?

So give it a chance, and see what happens. Watch his actions; don't pay any attention to his words. You'll know in short order whether or not he's serious.

Wavy

You say he cheated, lied, done the worst things possible. In an ideal world, what would you need from him to be able to forgive all that, trust him again and with an open and free heart want to try again and really believe that it would not be the same again? Is he there yet? I'm guessing the answer is no since he admits he is still drinking. Its OK to be happy with his attentions, but that doesn't have to mean getting sucked in again right away, take your time to decide if he can really give you the things you need, right now.

marie1960

Usually when something presents itself as too good to be true...... IT IS.

You have already traveled down this road with him, I would be remembering all the reasons you currently are NOT together.

You state he is a liar and a cheater, I do not find those qualities to make for a worthy life partner.

You say he is still drinking, so in reality nothing has changed.

This is still the same toxic dance, but now the toxic dance has beautiful flowers on the table. hmm....

From experience, touch the fire, you get burned EVERY time.

Personally, i would not go there, but you get to decide how you want to live your life. You get to decide what is an " acceptable" standard of life.

SkyeSea

Personally, I would listen to your psychiatrists opinion. x Really wish I could think differently as would love you to be happy x

BlueSkies1

Oh, you haven't quit drinking yet?
I see.
Well that's a requirement for us to get serious again.
I'll visit you once a month while you work on that, maybe meet you for lunch, but that's as far as it will ever go while you have that tough work of sobriety yet unfinished. You'll need a lot of serious YOU time, to do that, and won't be ready for a serious relationship for some time after your last drink.

Unless, you'll be too weak to even meet up for lunch and not cave in...then scratch the lunch too.

Flowers and words of love are not sobriety, hon...I know, done that, got the oh **** relapse tshirt.

Seren

I have learned over the years that when we truly love someone, we will the good of that person. While he is trying to win you back with flowers and promises and phone calls and drive-bys, he is distracting himself from his drinking and other issues with you, it harms him in a certain way. I'm not at all saying that his drinking is your fault--0% your fault. I'm just saying that in the best interest of both of you, perhaps you should remain apart for now?

OnawaMiniya

^^^ yes, this. Exactly. Hard not to think with the heart. But the head tells you that the above interpretation is correct.

Hammer

My edits, if I may be so bold . . .

Once lala smells what REAL Sobriety Sounds like from REAL AA folks Really Working the Program . . . she will become REAL Clear on what BS sounds like coming from a drunk/dry drunk.

Hammer

Fitting VERY WELL, indeed.

Filled up my WHOLE SCREEN. Just right for getting the message to me.

THANK YOU, So Much.