Message in a bottle
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Message in a bottle
I'm quickly approaching my 1/2 year mark and need to unload this before my celebratory 6 month post
As of late I'm pretty stuck emotionally. All sorts of pain is rising to the surface. I'm living an inauthentic life and I have to figure this mess out. For so long I have pretended everything is ok. I tell others to deal with their **** to make them better, when I can't do the same!
So here it is God forgive me for these confessions. I'm a sad lonely housewife stuck in a pretty emotionally abusive marriage that I have created. I know enough to know we teach others how to treat us. And I have slowly over the last 12 years taught my husband to treat me the way I feel about myself.
But with my sobriety I'm starting to wake up and love myself. I don't want to be invisible anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. But I don't know any other way. I tried to call my sister at least 10 times yesterday but hung up each time.
I have to get this right but feel selfish for looking out for me. I feel I owe it to my husband to be his kicking post because of the horrific things he's been through!
I'm not looking for sympathy or advise this is merely my first selfish attempt to advocate for myself. My message in a bottle, no pun intended. Time to be real and time to make changes bigger then just not drinking. I will NEVER drink again, now I need to create an environment that sees that through. I don't believe in divorce but my hubs doesn't believe in counciling!?!?!?
As of late I'm pretty stuck emotionally. All sorts of pain is rising to the surface. I'm living an inauthentic life and I have to figure this mess out. For so long I have pretended everything is ok. I tell others to deal with their **** to make them better, when I can't do the same!
So here it is God forgive me for these confessions. I'm a sad lonely housewife stuck in a pretty emotionally abusive marriage that I have created. I know enough to know we teach others how to treat us. And I have slowly over the last 12 years taught my husband to treat me the way I feel about myself.
But with my sobriety I'm starting to wake up and love myself. I don't want to be invisible anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. But I don't know any other way. I tried to call my sister at least 10 times yesterday but hung up each time.
I have to get this right but feel selfish for looking out for me. I feel I owe it to my husband to be his kicking post because of the horrific things he's been through!
I'm not looking for sympathy or advise this is merely my first selfish attempt to advocate for myself. My message in a bottle, no pun intended. Time to be real and time to make changes bigger then just not drinking. I will NEVER drink again, now I need to create an environment that sees that through. I don't believe in divorce but my hubs doesn't believe in counciling!?!?!?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
That's a tough situation, ImperfectlyMe. I'm an altruistic and emphathetic person but more and more I'm beginning to under that sometimes we 'have to be cruel to be kind.' Despite the old dynamic of your marriage, something has now changed -you- and you can't pretend it hasn't.
After this long, is there anything of value in the relationship? If you are only staying out of some obligation you feel since he put up with your drinking, then ask yourself if you're doing it for you or for him. Is it simple inertia?
Would your husband agree to counseling? At this point are you interested in seeing if there's anything to salvage?
After this long, is there anything of value in the relationship? If you are only staying out of some obligation you feel since he put up with your drinking, then ask yourself if you're doing it for you or for him. Is it simple inertia?
Would your husband agree to counseling? At this point are you interested in seeing if there's anything to salvage?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
100% there is value in this relationship, it wasn't always this way but if I'm honest with myself, if I didn't have kids and he hadn't battled for his life recoverying from a grave illness, I probably would have left.
I know I/we need therapy but he is resistant. Don't know how to reach him.
Kind if regretting posting this actually. The realness of it breaks my heart!
but if I'm honest with myself, if I didn't have kids and he hadn't battled for his life recoverying from a grave illness, I probably would have left. I know I/we need therapy but he is resistant. Don't know how to reach him.
Kind if regretting posting this actually. The realness of it breaks my heart!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: sydney
Posts: 142
As miserable and low as you sound, it seems like your doing "the work". You are getting to the core of it. The pain. The ache. the reality. this is where you will find new growth and meaning. It doesnt mean you need to divorce or get counselling. This too shall pass and new green shoots will sprout up again.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 217
WoW...you really are superwoman??!!! You have always been there for my posts and just want to say "do you" whatever that may be, your sobriety time is amazing, if you feel you need couple therapy, counseling, etc. demand it or go alone is my advice, but ummm, I only have a day, so....just wanted to stop in and say "stay strong and Congrats to you!"
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I agree, congrats on six months! Just that alone proves you're capable of things you didn't think you could do. I know seeing it in print makes it seem more real but maybe that's a good thing. Alcohol can be a place to hide from your troubles but seeing your problems clearly makes it easier to address them, and ultimately solve them.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I am so proud of you. The 6 months is great but tackling these issues is such a huge step, particularly given how raw and difficult these issues and emotions must be.
I used to go skydiving after my ski career had ended. I enjoyed the same adrenaline rush but the emotional side was different since more variables were out of my control (I have control issues).
I would be terrified as I slid towards the door and wrapped my legs under the plane at 10-15K feet. I needed the count to jump and then while I enjoyed the free fall, I enjoyed when my chute would deploy even more. It was here that I found serenity with my two ropes flying above the earth like a puppeteer. My point is you just jumped, and while it is scary in the free fall, know that God/your higher power/energy is protecting you through this transition. Your chute is going to deploy and you will be able to enjoy the serenity of the flight (life) by tackling these issues.
I let my wife know that we were getting a divorce and she accepted the marriage counseling - left a msg for the Dr. yesterday so I will let you know how that goes.
Good luck - I think your better than Superwoman - your real!
I used to go skydiving after my ski career had ended. I enjoyed the same adrenaline rush but the emotional side was different since more variables were out of my control (I have control issues).
I would be terrified as I slid towards the door and wrapped my legs under the plane at 10-15K feet. I needed the count to jump and then while I enjoyed the free fall, I enjoyed when my chute would deploy even more. It was here that I found serenity with my two ropes flying above the earth like a puppeteer. My point is you just jumped, and while it is scary in the free fall, know that God/your higher power/energy is protecting you through this transition. Your chute is going to deploy and you will be able to enjoy the serenity of the flight (life) by tackling these issues.
I let my wife know that we were getting a divorce and she accepted the marriage counseling - left a msg for the Dr. yesterday so I will let you know how that goes.
Good luck - I think your better than Superwoman - your real!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I have to get this right but feel selfish for looking out for me. I feel I owe it to my husband to be his kicking post because of the horrific things he's been through!
It's not selfish to look after ourselves....and it's not healthy to metaphorically beat ourselves up, or to let others do that as some kind of twisted penance.
Two wrongs really don't make a right.
Right makes right
I think it's ok to take things slowly Imp - you didn't just wake up here...it took you years to get to this point...
I reckon it's ok to think about what you want too, and where you want to be, and move slowly and deliberately
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya hun :-)
You have done a wonderful job thus far., give yourself a pat on the back.
The others are right , its certainly NOT selfish to put yourself first at the moment.
You need to communicate with your hubby as men are not mind readers and don't see things coming , often .. until they are gone. ( and i certainly don't mean that in a condescending way).
You still have something there with him as i can read it between your lines.
Im sure if you sat down with him and were just blatantly honest , he would listen.
You are still together , so that has to mean something.
He's not gonna let a lovely girl like you go without a fight, you both just have to find a new normal now , post drinking.
I wish nothing but the best for you Imp :-)
So glad you put it on the table , now you have made it real and can act on it xxx big hugz xxx
You have done a wonderful job thus far., give yourself a pat on the back.
The others are right , its certainly NOT selfish to put yourself first at the moment.
You need to communicate with your hubby as men are not mind readers and don't see things coming , often .. until they are gone. ( and i certainly don't mean that in a condescending way).
You still have something there with him as i can read it between your lines.
Im sure if you sat down with him and were just blatantly honest , he would listen.
You are still together , so that has to mean something.
He's not gonna let a lovely girl like you go without a fight, you both just have to find a new normal now , post drinking.
I wish nothing but the best for you Imp :-)
So glad you put it on the table , now you have made it real and can act on it xxx big hugz xxx
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 212
Congrats on your sober time! My hubby and I are going though major changes and sometimes it can be emotionally exhausting for both of us. When it's said that your whole life has to change to become sober, they weren't kidding! But in the long run it is going to be better for everyone.
Have you had a personality change for the better and your husband doesn't like it? Are you acting the same, but scared how your husband will react if you use your new found strength. Because, if he doesn't know or see the change, you don't really know how he will react.
Just be who you are, you may be surprised that he starts to go along with the ride. Reacting to you in a more positive way. Go to counseling alone. That is what I'm going to do. When I told my husband that he said, "Maybe if it works for you I will go." Baby steps.
My husband is just as confused as I am right now. This is a brand new life for us in a manner of months!
I wish you the best. Keep growing in the right direction, and no matter the outcome, you will be in the right direction.
Have you had a personality change for the better and your husband doesn't like it? Are you acting the same, but scared how your husband will react if you use your new found strength. Because, if he doesn't know or see the change, you don't really know how he will react.
Just be who you are, you may be surprised that he starts to go along with the ride. Reacting to you in a more positive way. Go to counseling alone. That is what I'm going to do. When I told my husband that he said, "Maybe if it works for you I will go." Baby steps.
My husband is just as confused as I am right now. This is a brand new life for us in a manner of months!
I wish you the best. Keep growing in the right direction, and no matter the outcome, you will be in the right direction.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...kles-back.html
It's not about the alcohol anymore is it? You are doing just fine.
It's not about the alcohol anymore is it? You are doing just fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Wow siletrun you really caught me off guard with that. In a good way! I have so many piles of **** to sift through. One heap at a time. And nope it's no longer about alcohol. I couldn't give less about drinking.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
Hi Imperfect!
So sorry you are struggling. As adults, we evolve over time, and I think that for many alcoholics like us, we miss the "bit by bit" changing over time as we were coasting and not really living. Then when sobriety arrives, it's like BAM! This is who I really am??, and sadly that real person doesn't always click right away with our past and current relationships.
It takes time and work...you have the right idea with counseling, and I hope your hubby agrees to it.
Congrats on your 6 months coming up...I am sooooo proud of you!!! You have been there for me since my beginning, and I know you are strong enough to handle anything.
So sorry you are struggling. As adults, we evolve over time, and I think that for many alcoholics like us, we miss the "bit by bit" changing over time as we were coasting and not really living. Then when sobriety arrives, it's like BAM! This is who I really am??, and sadly that real person doesn't always click right away with our past and current relationships.
It takes time and work...you have the right idea with counseling, and I hope your hubby agrees to it.
Congrats on your 6 months coming up...I am sooooo proud of you!!! You have been there for me since my beginning, and I know you are strong enough to handle anything.
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