I want my knuckles back
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
I want my knuckles back
At 4 1/2 months sober I'm starting to wonder if I've been white knuckling it.
The individual is just using pure willpower to stay sober. It is like they are just hanging on in there waiting for the ride to end. This is not a satisfactory way to live in recovery
I'm just so frustrated and spend too much time with a lump in my throat, choking back tears. I thought The only thing making me unhappy in my life was alcohol. Realizing that's not the case is scary. I feel full of resentment lately. All of this resentment is not about alcohol it's about the role I play in my life. I'm angry that everything in my household is my job! I've been distant from my husband because of this anger. I've begged and pleaded for change but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just so sad because taking away alcohol has given me a voice that I muffled for so long with wine filled evenings. And now that I have that voice it really doesn't matter if no one listens to it!
I drank to escape this and now I can't. But I'm a mom and a stay at home one so this that I resent is inevitable it's in my job description. Sorry to be so glum having a self pity day
The individual is just using pure willpower to stay sober. It is like they are just hanging on in there waiting for the ride to end. This is not a satisfactory way to live in recovery
I'm just so frustrated and spend too much time with a lump in my throat, choking back tears. I thought The only thing making me unhappy in my life was alcohol. Realizing that's not the case is scary. I feel full of resentment lately. All of this resentment is not about alcohol it's about the role I play in my life. I'm angry that everything in my household is my job! I've been distant from my husband because of this anger. I've begged and pleaded for change but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just so sad because taking away alcohol has given me a voice that I muffled for so long with wine filled evenings. And now that I have that voice it really doesn't matter if no one listens to it!
I drank to escape this and now I can't. But I'm a mom and a stay at home one so this that I resent is inevitable it's in my job description. Sorry to be so glum having a self pity day
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by InperfectlyMe 
The individual is just using pure willpower to stay sober. It is like they are just hanging on in there waiting for the ride to end. This is not a satisfactory way to live in recovery
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hi There. You may be realizing that some serious change is in order. I am not sure what I think of the "White Knuckling" thing. I mean, you may want some help around the house and you have realized that maybe you do not want to be a stay at home Mom. I for one am not sure how I could do it, and I only have a step son.
These changes can take place. Give it a go. Make the required changes so that you are happy?!
These changes can take place. Give it a go. Make the required changes so that you are happy?!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
I just want to say that I understand.
I, too, am a stay at home mom. I have two little kids. I feel like I really miss working outside the home, my identity at my previous jobs, the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment I once had.
I was using wine and beer to fill the void and the feeling that I was missing something. I was using it to reward myself, to feel like a grown up.
However, the more days I spend sober, the more I come to realize that this time at home with my kids won't last forever - and I can appreciate it and make the most of it right now. I love being with them, and it makes it soooo much easier and better if I can accept the fact that "being a mom" is a real job with real rewards. Luckily, my parents and husband support me so much, and keep insisting that being a stay-at-home mom is a very important and worthwhile job.
I do pretty much everything around the home, and my husband does like to relax when he gets home from a long day at work. I have been asking for help lately, asking him to do specific tasks, and he has been helping a little, which is a big relief.
Just hang in there. Being a mom is a great thing and often people don't realize how much we do, how much effort it takes just to hold the household together. Husbands come home and don't always realize all the cleaning we did, the laundry, the emotional stress of kids driving us nuts, pushing our buttons. But I do know that drinking doesn't help. Drinking makes it worse in the long run.
Try to accept yourself and find something else that is "yours" and that you can turn to when times get stressful (easier said than done).
I, too, am a stay at home mom. I have two little kids. I feel like I really miss working outside the home, my identity at my previous jobs, the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment I once had.
I was using wine and beer to fill the void and the feeling that I was missing something. I was using it to reward myself, to feel like a grown up.
However, the more days I spend sober, the more I come to realize that this time at home with my kids won't last forever - and I can appreciate it and make the most of it right now. I love being with them, and it makes it soooo much easier and better if I can accept the fact that "being a mom" is a real job with real rewards. Luckily, my parents and husband support me so much, and keep insisting that being a stay-at-home mom is a very important and worthwhile job.
I do pretty much everything around the home, and my husband does like to relax when he gets home from a long day at work. I have been asking for help lately, asking him to do specific tasks, and he has been helping a little, which is a big relief.
Just hang in there. Being a mom is a great thing and often people don't realize how much we do, how much effort it takes just to hold the household together. Husbands come home and don't always realize all the cleaning we did, the laundry, the emotional stress of kids driving us nuts, pushing our buttons. But I do know that drinking doesn't help. Drinking makes it worse in the long run.
Try to accept yourself and find something else that is "yours" and that you can turn to when times get stressful (easier said than done).
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi there. I think that alcohol is a symptom of a greater issue. That issue is that we aren't dealing with our lives. Now that you're not drinking, you are going to have to deal with the things you were drowning. Being the sole caretaker of house and children and being resentful towards your husband is one of those things... You say it is falling on deaf ears, maybe change the way you are saying it. Make it applicable to him.
Good luck, there really is happiness in sobriety and a lot more to life than white knuckling every day.
Good luck, there really is happiness in sobriety and a lot more to life than white knuckling every day.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm not a believer in the 'white knuckling' AA mantra.
I think we remove alcohol and come face to face with our issues and address things we have been ignoring. It can be overwhelming but it is life. We've been hiding from it and now have to deal with it. Maybe try and break things down into small bits. I'm a SAHM too and often feel useless or receive no help from my husband. I try and focus on what I HAVE got and try to make things just a bit easier. Can you get childcare for some of the week,maybe look at PT work, get out to toddler groups, take up a hobby one evening when your husband is at home,go to the gym or even just a walk.
Not drinking doesn't just make us feel happier and make our lives wonderful-it makes us realize we have stuff to deal with,enables us to deal with it and in time, improve our lives. Remember,drinking won't solve anything -it will just make you feel worse and not deal with the issues that need dealing with
Congrats on your 4 1/2 months btw
I think we remove alcohol and come face to face with our issues and address things we have been ignoring. It can be overwhelming but it is life. We've been hiding from it and now have to deal with it. Maybe try and break things down into small bits. I'm a SAHM too and often feel useless or receive no help from my husband. I try and focus on what I HAVE got and try to make things just a bit easier. Can you get childcare for some of the week,maybe look at PT work, get out to toddler groups, take up a hobby one evening when your husband is at home,go to the gym or even just a walk.
Not drinking doesn't just make us feel happier and make our lives wonderful-it makes us realize we have stuff to deal with,enables us to deal with it and in time, improve our lives. Remember,drinking won't solve anything -it will just make you feel worse and not deal with the issues that need dealing with
Congrats on your 4 1/2 months btw
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I like the suggestion that Readyatlast has. Do you have a hobby that you can get involved in that will take you away from the home for a few hours? Leave the kids with the husband, and go and create something beautiful. How about dropping the kids off for a few hours at a daycare and then go out for some you time. You deserve a break. Most gyms have day care for the people who go there. DO you have a gym membership?
Im understanding your Avatar now
Im understanding your Avatar now
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I think you are doing wonderful! For me, alcohol wasn't the issue. My anger, depression, resentments, self-worth...blah..blah...blah....were all issues that I hadn't figured out how to deal with in a healthy way. Drinking and using drugs was my coping mechanism. Once I took that away I needed to figure out another way to deal with my feelings and issues. That is what you are doing now!!! And that is wonderful!! Sometimes while we are figuring it out we cry a lot because we don't yet know what to do. You aren't alone
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
(((Hi Ready))) You know, for me I figured out that alcohol was a way for me to tolerate the intolerable..sometimes jobs and sometimes relationships. Alcohol kept me stagnant and spinning my wheels in a general feeling of complaint I needed to stifle. I celebrated my pity party every night when I opened that bottle (bottles) of wine.
Sobriety turns on the lights. We've been so long in the dark that at first its kinda painful. We squint and put our hands to our eyes until they adjust. I know early in my sobriety (as in the first few weeks...I'm still early in sobriety at 2+ months)..when my eyes were squinty I almost longed for a return to denial. I wanted to go back to being a couch mushroom with my wine....but I didn't.
For me, sobriety is all about finding my voice..and actually learning to have faith and confidence and trust in it. Until I find it and listen to it...no one else will. Sometimes I feel like a diver who was lost in the depths...but I'm on way up...I see the light at the top of the water..I'm almost there..it keeps getting bigger and brighter : )
Sobriety turns on the lights. We've been so long in the dark that at first its kinda painful. We squint and put our hands to our eyes until they adjust. I know early in my sobriety (as in the first few weeks...I'm still early in sobriety at 2+ months)..when my eyes were squinty I almost longed for a return to denial. I wanted to go back to being a couch mushroom with my wine....but I didn't.
For me, sobriety is all about finding my voice..and actually learning to have faith and confidence and trust in it. Until I find it and listen to it...no one else will. Sometimes I feel like a diver who was lost in the depths...but I'm on way up...I see the light at the top of the water..I'm almost there..it keeps getting bigger and brighter : )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Thank you all for your responses! I know I have options.... Why I don't choose them? I'm not sure, scared, stuck, don't know any other way. It's like I don't allow myself to matter. Then I get pissed at those around me for not throwing me a lifesaver while I'm drowning, even though I say, I'm ok!!!! Who knows I'm just not comfortable with my new voice and in just not comfortable settling anymore.
I'm just not comfortable with my new voice and in just not comfortable settling anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,347
Hey Inperfectly
I think most of us have to face the fact that drinking was not our only problem.
We also have to face the fact that we haven't been very good advocates for ourselves or what we want for a long time - I know for me, drinking was easier than trying to change things.
If you feel stuck, maybe it is time to look at those options you mentioned above and see if you can put some of the smaller ones into play...get some momentum going?
D
I think most of us have to face the fact that drinking was not our only problem.
We also have to face the fact that we haven't been very good advocates for ourselves or what we want for a long time - I know for me, drinking was easier than trying to change things.
If you feel stuck, maybe it is time to look at those options you mentioned above and see if you can put some of the smaller ones into play...get some momentum going?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
It's not that I'd rather be doing something in perticular. I do love being with them and i don't think enough people sacrifice to raise their own kids. Pre mom days I was in the medical field. I know I will go back when my kids are older.
But even in my working days I did the same thing do everyones jobs and harbor silent resentment .
I don't know might start with a convo to my husband tonight see where that leads me
But even in my working days I did the same thing do everyones jobs and harbor silent resentment .
I don't know might start with a convo to my husband tonight see where that leads me
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Originally Posted by InperfectlyMe
The individual is just using pure willpower to stay sober. It is like they are just hanging on in there waiting for the ride to end. This is not a satisfactory way to live in recovery
Originally Posted by TKS
Where is that quote from... is it an AA mantra?
White Knuckle Sobriety
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I'm not a believer in the 'white knuckling' AA mantra.
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I think we remove alcohol and come face to face with our issues and address things we have been ignoring. It can be overwhelming but it is life. We've been hiding from it and now have to deal with it.
Sorry for the rant, but I don't like to see ANY program misrepresented (especially mine
).
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Hi ImperfectlyMe
This recovery thing is hard work. If you are like me and if you just went through a paws episode it is your brain adjusting back to center. It has happened twice to me and after it's over I get lots to think about. After this last time it stopped being about the alcohol at all. You are doing just fine.
This recovery thing is hard work. If you are like me and if you just went through a paws episode it is your brain adjusting back to center. It has happened twice to me and after it's over I get lots to think about. After this last time it stopped being about the alcohol at all. You are doing just fine.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
Hi Imperfect,
You are doing great, and I can relate to all you have said.
I am struggling with dealing with issues at home as well. I went into sobriety thinking that if I could stay sober, then all will be perfect. I am finding its not so easy, and I don't know how to figure it out.
I think a talk with your husband will be a great start! Holding things in usually doesn't do anybody good.
Let us know how it goes.
You are doing great, and I can relate to all you have said.
I am struggling with dealing with issues at home as well. I went into sobriety thinking that if I could stay sober, then all will be perfect. I am finding its not so easy, and I don't know how to figure it out.
I think a talk with your husband will be a great start! Holding things in usually doesn't do anybody good.
Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: oz
Posts: 164
Hi imperfectly,
Im new here day 2 actually so I dont feel qualified to give advice on SR, but I do understand the feelings your expressing being a stay at home mum. I too am a SAHM, of 3 with a partner that provides for us, and while I love my kids and partner I also have similar feelings to you. Somewhere along the way, after giving birth to 3 children and quitting my job after the 3rd, I lost all sense of myself and who I used to be. There are 5 people in my family and I feel and have felt number 5 for sometime. Nobody put me there but me. Drinking at night took the edge off that. I felt resentment towards my partner because he was getting out of the house and I was stuck in the monontany of keeping said house clean and tidy (with kids around it's never ending). Sometimes I look around at the mess and think "whats the point?"
At least at the end of the week in my job I got the reward of the paycheck and the occasional "well done" from my boss. I'm still in the process of getting sober as I said and I don't have any real answers for you, I'm still figuring it out. All I know is that your not alone and I figure that I need to feel important enough to give myself some time out and do something purely for me. Selfish yes.....Important for my sanity....definitely yes.
Im new here day 2 actually so I dont feel qualified to give advice on SR, but I do understand the feelings your expressing being a stay at home mum. I too am a SAHM, of 3 with a partner that provides for us, and while I love my kids and partner I also have similar feelings to you. Somewhere along the way, after giving birth to 3 children and quitting my job after the 3rd, I lost all sense of myself and who I used to be. There are 5 people in my family and I feel and have felt number 5 for sometime. Nobody put me there but me. Drinking at night took the edge off that. I felt resentment towards my partner because he was getting out of the house and I was stuck in the monontany of keeping said house clean and tidy (with kids around it's never ending). Sometimes I look around at the mess and think "whats the point?"
At least at the end of the week in my job I got the reward of the paycheck and the occasional "well done" from my boss. I'm still in the process of getting sober as I said and I don't have any real answers for you, I'm still figuring it out. All I know is that your not alone and I figure that I need to feel important enough to give myself some time out and do something purely for me. Selfish yes.....Important for my sanity....definitely yes.
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