Ruturn

I'm 41 and at this point still married. I went to rehab in 2010. I wanted to go in 2009 and was told that it was a vacation and I just needed to get my act together. Then I had a LOT of resentment when someone else said it was a good idea and was listened to by my wife. I ruined a successful business and have caused a lot of damage. I have 3 kids aged 15, 13 and 11. My wife travels a lot for her work and my routine has been to get drunk when she's out of town. Sunday I did it again. My kids are at my mother in laws house right now and one of them is with my wife on the east coast. She wants a seperation where I agree to whatever she says the terms are going to be. I've agreed and told her I am willing to do whatever is required to save the marriage and the family. I am in AA, have a sponsor, and have had varying lengths of sobriety the last few years, up to 15 months or so one time. I think I may finally have the desperation to stick with it this time. I'm very scared that I may have lost my family. I'm trying to do things differently this time, so I thought I would post here. I've lurked on this forum off and on for several years. Just wanted to share and take this step I hadn't done before. 4 days in and I'm struggling but determined. One of the best lines I've ever heard at a meeting is that this is an incredible simple thing - all you have to do is change your whole life. That is me exactly. Thank you for the support, and I will try and be a useful member of the forum.

Dee74

Welcome to SR ruturn - I think the best thing you can do is stay sober...that way you're in the best place to deal with whatever happens

D

longbeachone

I love that...the simplest thing in the world. You've been on the recovery-relapse roller coaster awhile. Do you have any ideas about what your relapse triggers have been? It took me traveling to the very brink of losing my husband and family to finally get sober. Maybe it will be the same for you. Whatever happens, you are welcome here, and its great to meet you!

Ruturn

My relapse triggers are resentment, depression, anger, and being on my own. I haven't been in a bar or had a social drink in several years. I would go home and drink alone to shut off my head. Instead of doing that, I'm trying to be productive and actually do something, anything to stop the cycle and begin the process of changing. That's why I'm here. Gets me out of my head and it helped a lot tonight. Thanks!

MythOfSisyphus

I'd say "welcome" but you're been here a lot longer than me! At any rate, good to see you here, Ruturn. I hope you can use that 15 month stretch to your advantage. Learn from it! What did you do to stay sober that long? It seems to me the main enemy is complacency. So many of us get some good long stretch under our belts and think we're cured! I guess you know that's not how it works. Hopefully your current situation has been distilled into crystal clarity. That's what happened for me. Dead drunk, half way through a three liter box of wine with tear running down my face I knew in my bones that if I didn't stop, I would die. Really die. And I'm not ready for that just yet.

Maybe you've tried a hundred times, it doesn't matter. You don't fail when until you quit trying. Never stop trying til you're on the wrong side of the grass, Ruturn!

You can do it this time. You will make it. Because this time you have to.

least

I'm glad you're back and giving it another go.

Mirage74

Obviously don't know the details of your marriage, but it seems the best way to save it is if you're sober. Welcome back

Ruturn

Yeah, Mirage, only way to save it is I have to be a different person. I wouldn't be married to myself either the way I've been lol. Starting day 5 and feeling pretty good. Last night was difficult at times but remembering about this forum and then reading and posting helped immensely. Thanks for the help and welcomes everyone.

cardoon

Long time lurker here. Loved to get wasted when alone. Then it just became so boring. Lots of self confidence the first time I stayed sober when the family left. A feeling of relief in a lot of ways. Keep goin'!

Ruturn

Thanks, cardoon, I appreciate it.

Pipping

Ruturn, I am 2 days sober and can relate to alot of your post. My husband works overseas and while he is gone I have big plans to decorate the house, visit friends and start a fitness regime so I can surprise him with my amazing weight loss when he returns. In reality I sit alone in the house getting smashed on wine. I only leave when I have to go to work. I wish you the best of luck. I know we can only improve our lives by staying sober.

lala34mc

I became a drink alone person too, mostly because every time I drank in public towards the end something terrible happened. DUI, black outs, making a fool of myself, awful.

I listened to an AA tape this week that really turned the lights on for me. This man had been in and out of rehab 27 times. Twenty. Seven.

The whole "don't drink" and "keep showing up" didn't work for him. As he says, his life was unmanageable when he wasn't drinking, too, because of his anger, resentments, self-pity...you know. He got a sponsor that said, there's a relationship between God and alcohol. Alcohol is an artificial path to a spiritual relationship with God. The steps are a practical step to a spiritual relationship with God. You can't just take the booze away and leave a vacuum there. Drinking gave me the illusion at least that I had a spiritual connection with God. It was my best friend and the only thing I've known since I was 17. You take that away, I need a substitute that's AT LEAST as good, or else I'm going to drink.

For some people, just staying sober is enough. Not for me. I'm miserable when I'm not drinking.

I know there's a lot of fear in what you're facing with your family. You ultimately cannot control what happens, but you can commit to the practice of showing up. To meetings, to your life, sober. There are endless possibilities if you stay on the path of recovery, but probably only one if you don't.

Lots of love and light your way.

Ruturn

Thank you, Lala. Thats me, too. Alcohol was very much my only friend. Its hard to let go, but I know I have to this time.

Pipping, I get exactly what you said. I am a GREAT planner but I've never followed through on anything that mattered since I was about 18. Time to do the work.