Double Standard?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Double Standard?
Hi everyone, as you all know, JJ is doing amazing! He has 30 days left at the ranch and when he "graduates" we are going to let him come home with clearly stated boundaries. He has an upcoming weekend pass (2 full days) on 10/12 and 10/13 and we have his dearest Uncle, Aunt, and all of us here to enjoy the weekend. He has been home two times thus far for an overnight and so far so great.
Here is my dilemna. there is a young man who started at the Ranch the same day as JJ and lives in our home town. This young man only did 90 days at the ranch and is now living with his family a few miles away. JJ has expressed an interest in having him come over for a while for hanging out time on his next pass. My issue is a concern of relapse. Keep in mind, they have both gone through the same program, both have shined in recovery AND Tim's parents are both in NA as recovering addicts for the last 5 years.
I guess I am now judging Tim for his record and his past, as I have told JJ I have reservations about Tim visiting. Whenever I saw Tim at the Ranch, he was always courteous and friendly. JJ vouches for him saying he is a "good guy" AND i spent an afternoon talking to his parents.
I am feeling my Codieness slip in and I just wanted to share this. Any thoughts here?
PS: Most of the "Ranchers" come directly from jail as a consequence of their addictions and JJ has bonded with a few who live in our home town. This one in particular is one year younger than JJ and I admit I have looked at his Facebook which prior to recovery would have me calling the cops if I saw this kid on the street! Of course, my own son would cause reservations to any "normie" who looked him up online with his record as well LOL!
Being honest here, send your thoughts.
Hugs,
TT
Here is my dilemna. there is a young man who started at the Ranch the same day as JJ and lives in our home town. This young man only did 90 days at the ranch and is now living with his family a few miles away. JJ has expressed an interest in having him come over for a while for hanging out time on his next pass. My issue is a concern of relapse. Keep in mind, they have both gone through the same program, both have shined in recovery AND Tim's parents are both in NA as recovering addicts for the last 5 years.
I guess I am now judging Tim for his record and his past, as I have told JJ I have reservations about Tim visiting. Whenever I saw Tim at the Ranch, he was always courteous and friendly. JJ vouches for him saying he is a "good guy" AND i spent an afternoon talking to his parents.
I am feeling my Codieness slip in and I just wanted to share this. Any thoughts here?
PS: Most of the "Ranchers" come directly from jail as a consequence of their addictions and JJ has bonded with a few who live in our home town. This one in particular is one year younger than JJ and I admit I have looked at his Facebook which prior to recovery would have me calling the cops if I saw this kid on the street! Of course, my own son would cause reservations to any "normie" who looked him up online with his record as well LOL!
Being honest here, send your thoughts.
Hugs,
TT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
TT, my 2 cents: you can't control your son's addiction. If he's going to relapse, he'll find a way! Sounds like he's been working hard, maybe it's time to try putting a little trust in him? Sounds like you both know where your boundary lies and what will be the consequences if he uses? Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Exactly! I need to hear the way to my release as being a mom with PTSD from so many horrible past experiences. Thank you so much JJ111!
And on that note, when he has visited before, he had to attend an AA or NA meeting both nights so he could have "scored" any time he was here before.
Thank you!
And on that note, when he has visited before, he had to attend an AA or NA meeting both nights so he could have "scored" any time he was here before.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Hey sweetie! Glad to hear JJ is doing so well!!
I'll just share my ES&H as an RA first. My dad didn't want me anywhere NEAR "those people" at first. When I relapsed? I had his phone, he pulled up the numbers I'd called and got hold of my "dope boy".
Lovely. Guess what? I get back to dope-boy's place (was with XABF#3 who shared my addiction) and he is ticked off. He tells me "you CALL your dad, and you take your azz home to your daddy. You don't belong here, get your shytt together". He wouldn't leave me alone until I called my dad (not threatening, just very present).
I was blessed, this kid actually cares about me. Dad then hears bits and pieces of me talking about SR, which I never give the name, and he eventually starts to call it "that recovery thing you're on".
He doesn't get it, he's not an A. All he knows is that some people who understand me have made a huge difference in the daughter I was to the daughter I am. That is both with addiction and codependency. He STILL doesn't know the name, but he thanks all the people who have helped me.
Sorry for the novel, but you never know. If JJ wants to relapse, he will. If he wants to move forward in recovery, he will.
I would not be where I am today if it weren't for other RA's and recovering codies....and my family. My family doesn't understand, but they love me. My recovering friends keep me grounded.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I'll just share my ES&H as an RA first. My dad didn't want me anywhere NEAR "those people" at first. When I relapsed? I had his phone, he pulled up the numbers I'd called and got hold of my "dope boy".
Lovely. Guess what? I get back to dope-boy's place (was with XABF#3 who shared my addiction) and he is ticked off. He tells me "you CALL your dad, and you take your azz home to your daddy. You don't belong here, get your shytt together". He wouldn't leave me alone until I called my dad (not threatening, just very present).
I was blessed, this kid actually cares about me. Dad then hears bits and pieces of me talking about SR, which I never give the name, and he eventually starts to call it "that recovery thing you're on".
He doesn't get it, he's not an A. All he knows is that some people who understand me have made a huge difference in the daughter I was to the daughter I am. That is both with addiction and codependency. He STILL doesn't know the name, but he thanks all the people who have helped me.
Sorry for the novel, but you never know. If JJ wants to relapse, he will. If he wants to move forward in recovery, he will.
I would not be where I am today if it weren't for other RA's and recovering codies....and my family. My family doesn't understand, but they love me. My recovering friends keep me grounded.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thanks Amy I knew I would hear the "voice of reason" and that is why I am posting. My codieness is in full force when it comes to JJ being in our home .
I will trust in HP who has been the driving force behind all of the good things that have happened to me and to JJ.
Hugs,
TT
I will trust in HP who has been the driving force behind all of the good things that have happened to me and to JJ.
Hugs,
TT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm so pleased for you and JJ...and can relate to the anxiety provoking feelings surrounding a release. I had a thought while reading your post. At this point I think I would rather have my son spend time with someone else in recovery than getting bored and reaching out to past friends out of habit. My son simply wasn't ready to give up people, places and things which unfortunately contributed to his relapse. This young man and JJ have been able to lean on each other, and have likely shared many open feelings over recent months. He may be just the person to keep him in check. And vice versa. Thinking about you...and am hopeful for JJ.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
The support of other recovering addicts is part of what keeps me from relapsing. It's hard to give up an addiction and unless you've been there, you really can't understand. I think it's important for your son to have the support and friendship of others who can really understand what he is going through. Just like the support on SR from other friends and family are important for you because they can understand what you are going through.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
With sincerely love in my heart and empathy as another mother of an addict, I have to say "back off, mama" 
He will continue to grow on the path of recovery or he will not no matter what you say, do, or try to control. He has the tools to find his way back should he slip and he has the courage to make good choices today. Trust that, trust life and just love your son. No walking on egg shells, no choosing friends, just work on your recovery and let your dear boy work on his.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
He will continue to grow on the path of recovery or he will not no matter what you say, do, or try to control. He has the tools to find his way back should he slip and he has the courage to make good choices today. Trust that, trust life and just love your son. No walking on egg shells, no choosing friends, just work on your recovery and let your dear boy work on his.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
TT
I read the NA book so that I could understand the concept of how recovering addicts help one another. It was eye opening for me. We can't control our sons and attempting to do so in any way is manipulation that will result in resentment.
I have had to stand back and simply observe without comment for the last several months with my son. I work hard on my own behaviors and when I feel those urges to "mother" crop up, I nip them in the bud. Our relationship at this point is good...live and let live. There have been times that my fears have surfaced and I get that icky feeling......but I own that.....he doesn't. I base everything on what he does (behavior) not on what he says and doing that has also helped me keep myself in check. He is kind, polite, considerate. If that changes, I know what to do.......but until/unless that happens......it's hands off.
I do understand how wonderful it is to have your son "back" and the fear of losing him again is there below the surface. But accept what is TODAY.....and stop worrying.....trust the process. It makes no sense to fear what hasn't happened. No future tripping for this Mom......I'm simply enjoying my today with a sober son. I hope you will consider doing the same.
gentle hugs
ke
I read the NA book so that I could understand the concept of how recovering addicts help one another. It was eye opening for me. We can't control our sons and attempting to do so in any way is manipulation that will result in resentment.
I have had to stand back and simply observe without comment for the last several months with my son. I work hard on my own behaviors and when I feel those urges to "mother" crop up, I nip them in the bud. Our relationship at this point is good...live and let live. There have been times that my fears have surfaced and I get that icky feeling......but I own that.....he doesn't. I base everything on what he does (behavior) not on what he says and doing that has also helped me keep myself in check. He is kind, polite, considerate. If that changes, I know what to do.......but until/unless that happens......it's hands off.
I do understand how wonderful it is to have your son "back" and the fear of losing him again is there below the surface. But accept what is TODAY.....and stop worrying.....trust the process. It makes no sense to fear what hasn't happened. No future tripping for this Mom......I'm simply enjoying my today with a sober son. I hope you will consider doing the same.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you Posse! Exactly what I love about SR. I released this to the universe and you are all reinforcing what I know is true. I need to step away from the "crack pipe" so to speak! JJ has never truly embraced recovery like he is now and it is foreign to me, but letting him go now that he is whole is all about ME. He doesn't deserve MY fears and My issues. I will even tell him when he comes that it is okay for him to tell me to butt out! That way we can respect each others boundaries.
Hugs and Happy Friday one and all!
TT
Hugs and Happy Friday one and all!
TT
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
