Aiko

HI all,

I do not have any sponsor and thought this site would help me...

I am poly-addict, I take all I can get hold off, but nowadays I barely take stuff. I am Keeping myself... nearly clean

I have been stopping drinking for a year and a Half, some falls of the wagon.... will not lie. And now I am starting having problems with the joints, like when I was a kid... I thought I overcome it years ago.
I quit one I take another....
last year I took over a thousand pills just to be numb and not feel.

I have it all, I really am lucky,
but nobody, not even my family knows about my PROBLEMS, my psychiatric treatment, my visits to the psychologist, ....
Only my close friends...
At work they all think my life is great, even my relatives...

I should have been an actress

I got Depression and anxiety and started psychiatric help, lots lots of weight and hair,... and finally I got the right medication & my head stopped speaking, was going to kill me... no joke. Half of the head was telling me to hurt myself and all was unbearable... and the other half that I could not cope and desperately needed to get unconsciousness. It was awful...day after day... now my head is fine after many meds.

My father is a moody alcoholic,my mother is an angel, my younger brother loves me, and my older brother died 14 years ago.

Yesterday I run my first Half Marathon and guess What I wanted to do

I did a tribute to my bother in the Race, I run all the way with flowers hidden and through then in the sea when I was passing the Pear. I Know he helped me to finish the race...
I know one of the main reasons my family does not know anything about me, is because I am protecting them.

The main reason I did not harm myself was because They lost a child and when trough an Inferno, and can not put them through more pain.
I wanted to finish will all, I really did, and was awful living & not wanting to, just because I had to. And pretend all was great.

With the meds I get high very quickly... and I bloody like it.
I believe I will never change, I will always have this little voice telling me to take crap.

I Just have to be on something all the f****ing time.

Find it so difficult all the time having to say NO thanks...
When I really want to,...will it ever stop...
Does this ever stop???????????
How can I handled it???

keithj

It stopped for me when I took the actions that had been successful for other people. In my case, that was the 12 Steps of AA. Until that point, I just kept bouncing around in my desperation, a little progress here, a major blowout there, over and over again with no end in site.

Regretter

Ola Aiko, welcome to the forum.


I hear so much of myself in you, I really do, yet I'm so close to being completely clean of poly-use. I was just telling someone in another thread that I've stopped 24 out of 29 substances since 11yrs old (39 now), and I aim to be free of the last 5 within 5 weeks.

There are many, many people here who've become clean and stayed clean, so they're living proof that it's possible. I'm still a maybe as I still have dependencies, but I am capable of stopping something once I've completely made up my mind.

Stick around, you'll soon see you're capable of being free, too.

soberhawk

Welcome to SR Aiko.

Quite an introduction

I will at least congratulate you on your half marathon, well done.

We do change – the difficult part is to move it in a direction we want – that is at least how I experience it.

Aiko

Thank for your feed back...

I really have good friends but do not understand THE PROBLEM

and will Not go to AA or anywhere, I think I can handle it by myself!!!!
I do not think am that deep, sometimes I am confused as I see people so deep in ****, and I am doing ok compared to them...
But I know I have a problem,
the difference between them and me is that I am trying to do something about it.

My friends want me to go once a month to AA, they would take me to a far away meeting, so I do not bump into neighbours....
If I go back to the state of drinking everyday, I will have to get help .

But I think I am not that bad,
I've never hit rock bottom, and that is part of the problem.

As I always manage to hide it. And keep my job...
Until I started loosing it, I got problems now of depression and anxiety, but I have medication and am doing better. I have to try to stop de medication in January 2014, then I really will have problems again.

But I am starting to loose control with the smoke
and am scared because I really want to smoke something, and on top I stop smoking, all adds up... any excuse...

I have got Alprazolam from the doctor... did I tell you I am a good good actress???
I can not through them away...I just got them with me, sometimes I think of taking them but I know I can not, I loose the head in a bad way with benzos...

I manage to do great things in my life, but I got this weakness.
Everybody thinks I am strong and are so bloody wrong it is all the façade.

Sometimes I can feel it, I now I am going to take something, I feel the anxiety,...
It is getting better and better.
But some days.... UFF I feel the need...

I really am getting it of my chest...

PS I am a Spanish Girl not a bloke

Dee74

Welcome Aiko

You'll find lots of support and good ideas here - SR helped me turn my life around maybe we can help you do the same

If you are still troubled by thoughts of self harm, there are some good readings and international numbers here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

least

to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

Regretter

I can't see where anyone called you a bloke. I thought you were female because you said you should have been an actress.

I'm confused why you're angry about that?

Aiko

Nooo
I am better now for three months in a row.
I have medication am and doing great...
I stop thinking weird..... things...........

I am scared as some time will have to fly by myself.

Now I am going back to smoke joints... and do not know why the hell I am doing it now...

It is just that I have to have something to feed my hole.

Besides I have a promise in a bar serviette, If I have a cigarette I will have to stop running for three months.... and I found the loop hole, I can smoke Joints it is not strictly cigarettes... I am lying to myself...I know it.

At least now I am 99% of the time awake

Twofish

Hi Aiko, Welcome to SR! You mentioned, twice, that you are a good actress, yet you have depression and anxiety. Your Dr. realized this and prescribed you Xanax to "help" ease the symptoms, why not take one ( not ten) and see if you get some relief? Take the benzo as directed and see what your head does? BTW, what exactly do you think the problem is? I am sorry to hear about your brother, can't imagine that...but I'm proud of you for
finishing the half marathon, good job! Stick around, keep posting, you sound very intelligent! TF

Aiko

PS:
I do have a strange seance of Humour.
Did not get angry!!!

Thanks for listening and give me some advice...
will have to see how I jump hurdle...... AGAIN...

It is hard... and am so happy to find this web site

Dee74

I found rather than feeding my hole the better thing to do was heal it.

That meant sitting with it a little and learning that being uncomfortable for a while was not actually as bad as I thought it was.

Like I said there's a lot of support here for when times get rough

D

Hevyn

Glad to meet you Aiko. I never dreamed I'd be able to stop my lifelong drinking habit. The people here inspired & encouraged me. Everyone understood what I was going through - it relieved my anxiety and got me back on my feet. I hope it will help you to be here.

Aiko

Hi Dee....
I like your sentence I found rather than feeding my hole the better thing to do was heal it.
Never thought of that... stop filling it and repair the damage...

The problem I have is that I spend all my life... taking and drinking... to have a good time take... you have a bad day take... and you are bored take...
And know it is difficult start enjoying life without being high... but I am getting use to being awake... and am learning...

Today I am fine... but do not know tomorrow.... uffffff
I know I will see someone tomorrow... and find it difficult to control...

How do you control if know someone next to you has stuff you wish for???

Dee74

I was an alcoholic so that was everywhere anyway but I had to make changes on what I did and who I did it with.

Likewise when I quit pot, I had to make major changes to my life too - including cutting out a few people.

Even tho change was scary, I had to make recovery my priority

D

Aiko

Hi Dee,

I can not hide from it.... I have close people...and get nervous... my head sometimes takes control over my soul... I am better now... when my head takes control will not stop until I take something... now the voice is getting smaller but still is there...will the voice go quite or does people have this fight for life in the head???

Aiko

Dee

Thank you for all your help... have to go to bed... here is 00:00 and I start at 8:30 Ufff.
And do not know how I will get thorough tomorrow... my head is wishing it... and I know I will start getting anxiety... I fell no long ago...

I am having problems at work... the meds are making my concentration NIL, and I work with my head... and there is stuff going on... and in the evening I am seeing friends...and know one of them... Do not know what will I do...

At the end I will have to go to a desert Island, and probably will smoke the palm trees...and try to brew the coconuts...

But am getting better confronting the bad weather

Dee74

The voice went for me - took a few months tho - you need to prepare yourself for a long struggle, which is why most people talk about finding support

D

Aiko

Dee,

I have been thinking HEALING THE HOLE:

I do know why did it when I was Younger... 5 years HIGH...
drugs+smoking+drinking...
at 19 I had a bomb of everything and had an overdose...

All because I did not know that there was other type of life...

Thought I was not clever enough, was rather poor, would not get a decent job, did not know English,not University in my city, have no life expectations but die poor... etc.. etc...
(Now I achieved all I thought was out of my reach,wish some one told me before)

Thought the only way to be happy was being High... did not have any guidance or role model... my dad was just working and drinking... I moved to my grandfathers house at 15, he had and stroke half paralysed...so I started going out and taking and taking... as did not know any other way of living...

At 22 I was getting no were but to parties and moved to England with one way ticket and 40$, crazy.... 10 YEARS NEARLY CLEAN, easily without things around me... well drinking continued... But I managed to get to Uni, never thought I could...

I do not accept fully I have a problem...as never hit rock bottom...
I am trying to change for over 1.5 years after I lost control, drinking everyday... I had to go out of my way to drink...

But I am fine now I am recovering from the depression and anxiety... with some help.
And still want to take s**t

How can I found out???
why I AM GOING BACKWARDS???

Dee74

I think we become accustomed to it - both in an emotional and a physical sense.
I drank for 20 years and I know I outdrank and outlasted many of the problems I started drinking over...

D