Aiko

Hi all I am a bit Overwhelmed...

I feel I am in stuck in middle
I have tried to quit by myself for over 1.5
and I do not sink it in.
I just can not get in my head I have to stop fully...

I would like to drink when I go out......
but at the end I lose control and have to do it constantly...
In a minute I have to go out again... can not take any wine at bar...
Love Red Wine

I pick here and there... last year half numb with tables I had to give it up in Sept/13 nearly lost my head with Lorazepans and Valium...

I drink alcohol free beer now.... but sometimes I just lose it... (2 weeks ago)
I quit smoking but sometimes smoking pot.
when I am not taking one thing I am taking another...
It never ends... When was a teenager would take anything and mix and mix.
Really thought it was the best thing I could do with my life,
and the only way to be Happy...

I just Love not to feel I really do,
have fun drinking out....
I am not the same without a drink,
I barely go out just because I know all will drink and I will look...
And I keep fighting all night looking at cocktails menus
and sometimes I just can not hold it any more...

And have been really really bad with the depression,
but I got better with medication... and control better my addictions.
Before was impossible
my head just would not STOP TAKE SOME THING,,,, TAKE IT,,,TAKE IT...
Now I can control it better, Thank God It went quiet...

Why do I have this need to ruin it...? I am 95 % time clean now.
I am better in the head but still want to do it...
I will do it I will regret it and start again...

I got Alzaloprams in handbag everyday, I know they are there and sometimes I think to take them, but I do not...
Before I could not even go to a chemist, I would shake cos I wanted to buy them...

But now I just want to smoke pot...
I am starting moving in that direction now...
and tomorrow I will have someone next to me in the car with staff on...
I just now I will do it again...
It is in my head I am going to do it... two nights ago I was asking after it.
Yesterday was phoning asking... and know tomorrow I can have any...

I REALLY DO NOT GET IT IN THE HEAD.
I see people around me all the time and have to look

I am f*d up I really am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!